Venting Is today the day? (SN)

[darksouls2kicksass]

I woke up at 1pm on a Sunday, realizing the weekend is gone before it arrived. I'm tired of this cycle. Spent 2 hours staring at the wall, thinking today's the day. I have SN; I'd just need to take care of some housekeeping stuff before taking it. Gotta go buy some over the counter antiemetic, and a notebook. Didn't plan on leaving a note, but a little something saying sorry is probably better than nothing.

It's too absurd to even feel real. I could easily be gone in a couple hours. Then again, what's the harm in staying for another day, mindlessly watching youtube and shoveling bagels down my throat? I'm such a glutton, the hardest part is the fasting

My family's gonna be distraught, to say the least. I'll be letting down a lot of people at my school and my work. If I die today, I'll miss a rehearsal tomorrow and a lot of people would be worried. I'd miss my therapy appointment in a couple days, which would lead to an immediate welfare check. At least my body won't be rotting for very long before the cops find it and call my mom. That's gonna suck.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. Maybe I hope it'll give me the last shred of confidence I need to actually commit to something. I'm gonna go buy some last-minute tools and start throwing shit out. I'm such a pussy I probably won't even do anything. I've never tried catching the bus before; who knows? I'm just not made for this

 

[callmeskin]

Are you okay?

 

[Halfhourdays]

Are you still with us?

 

[xXSufferingXx]

what stuff will you throw out?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

we're here for you. sending hugs.

 

[darksouls2kicksass]

Got back from the store. Now it's time to try writing a note. Then I guess I'll factory reset my phone, put on my favorite music, and start pretending like I"m a chemist

I didn't feel anything during this process, but it's all just hitting me now, just how real this all is. This could've been a fine day, and I'm writing my suicide note. I don't know what to think or how to feel. I'm just crying and my back hurts and I can't believe this is the last time I'll hear this music. Thank you guys for caring. I'll probably be too much of a pussy to overcome SI when the times comes anyway. Maybe not

what stuff will you throw out?

taking out all my trash, just trying to make it easier on whoever finds me. Maybe I shouldn't care too much about that stuff but the longer I procrastinate, the more in control I feel lol

 

[opheliaoveragain]

there's no shame in waiting or postponing for ANY reason. it's not a choice to be taken lightly and I can tell you're not by your words. I hear you. no matter what you decide, we're here with you.

 

[darksouls2kicksass]

Update: after using 50g SN to make 2 drinks, I sat there for maybe two hours listening to my ctb playlist, unable to drink them. I wrote a big suicide note, I deleted half the shit on my PC and even factory reset my phone(!!!). I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I knew I'd be too much of a pussy.

SI is no joke.

I just can't bring myself to actually do it because my family would be so fucking upset. But now what? Does this count as an attempt? Am i gonna have to go to the psych ward before my concert in a couple days? I'm so lost and I'm such a fuckup

 

[opheliaoveragain]

theres no "it doesn't count" vs "it does count".


there's no shame in any of it I promise. take it moment by moment. do you feel like you need to talk to a professional? asking re psych ward mention. unless someone has welfare checked you, I'd think you're ok unless you feel like it might help you. tetris can really help when the brain is overwhelmed (backed up by science). maybe that's a silly suggestion.

you can seal up any remaining SN. store it how you normally would. take some deep breaths. you don't need to go through this completely alone. I know none of us are there. but overall

we're here for you.

 

[darksouls2kicksass]

I have an appointment with my therapist tuesday morning. She's super understanding; she's super great for me. I'm gonna end up telling her what happened, because I'm always too honest for my own good.

Now I'm just working through the minutia of setting up my phone again. Factory resetting is a bitch. There goes the 10+ years of memories I never looked at or needed in the first place. Maybe it's better to start fresh anyway. I was never much of a picture person.

When I was sitting there in bed, poison in hand, I just couldn't stop thinking about how much I love drumming. About how every song I was hearing was the last time I'd hear it. About how my dad is mailing me a box and it'd show up to my corpse. My parents are gonna be ruined but idk what I'm supposed to do
I'll pack up the other 50g for a future attempt, I guess. Maybe I should eat some food and pretend like nothing ever happened

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best in what you decide.

 

[maniac116]

If you aren't sure this is the day then its not!!
My thoughts are that you pick a day & plan ahead in every last detail.
This sounds a bit impulsive & unsure.