This is a long one. I am so sorry, but I need some advice. Sorry if this message is TMI or weird or cringy, I just don't know who to turn to or how to proceed. I don't know what I'm searching for. I guess seeing if this is common for those who still follow through.
Ordered my SN a couple days ago. I have been *actively* sourcing and planning CTB for a couple months. I have been suicidal this round for a full year or two. However, before that I was depressed, anxious, and self-harmed for years.
Up until I ordered the SN, I was experiencing the most control, excitement, and purpose that I have felt in years. It felt good to plan CTB. It felt right. It felt like I would finally make my mental and physical pain stop, but I ran into some trouble. Like, immediately after ordering, I had a rush of anxiety and panic. I suddenly felt stupid. I felt weak, and pathetic. I felt not good enough to CTB. Like my feelings up until then were stupid. It's so weird, because these feelings are so constant, overwhelming, and huge that I have known a long time I couldn't last much longer. Aging and degenerating even further gives me the worst feeling of dread. I'm a female, just turned 30. I feel too young to be as trapped by my body as I am, but also too old to fit in to the world, somehow. I have physical and mental health problems, but once I ordered my sn, they suddenly felt small compared to so many who have terminal illnesses, or homeless, or are being regularly abused. It made me wonder if this means I'm doing something wrong. I'm obsessive, and I frequently worry about hurting whatever energy/soul/whatever there might be somehow by feeling anxious as I CTB. Then I think that, no matter what I do, I would be overly anxious and panicked when I CTB. Then I flop back, and I worry that my self-doubt means I can't do it, or that it means I'm making a mistake.
I do have chronic illness, though it's a weird combination. I have PCOS, Severe Hiperhidrosis, OCD, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Depression, and ptsd. People don't understand the shittiness of it. I will admit explaining hiperhidrosis to people is a weird one that I have to work at every single moment of every day to hide, but essentially: Imagine waking up after a bad, hot, sweaty night of nightmares and stress. You know the sweat rolling over your skin / soaked clothes / soaked mattress thing? Imagine that, but all the time. Every day. No matter what. No matter where. No matter why. Prescription antiperspirant doesn't work. Padding, sweatshields, nothing works. I look like I just ran a marathon, and I will be eating cheerios. I sweat sitting on the couch; I sweat into the cushions! I'm sweating as I type this. I'm disgusting and I hate myself. I was schooled in teaching, but (maybe this is because I'm female) there's only so many times you can sweat through your clothes and have students ask if you've peed yourself, or if you were just in the pool or at the gym before you begin to realize you can't hide it anymore. I have been dealing with this since childhood, which really impacted my high school years and mental health. It's just getting worse. I have tried various methods. Short of scraping my sweat glands from my entire body what can I do? And I'm not even advised to do that! I am sensitive and my skin scars easily and very badly. I have keloids all over my chest and back arms. They can't really be removed. They hurt. All the time, every day. Surgery just means more scars. They get bigger and bigger, and hurt more and more. I've done everything within my money and power, but there's nothing to do to actually fix the problem. Ever.
My PCOS comes with (outside of any possible fertility trouble, which, don't get me started on having children in this world) the lovely addition of fucking with / losing my once very beautiful, curly hair on my head, and having it replaced with dark, thick facial hair on my face that won't stop. I've been mowing it down since higschool, but once I hit 25, it became a full-on man's beard texture and appearance (if I don't cut it). I have to shave it every day. It's still visible though. Plucking leads to scarring, which… as I said… Combating it professionally consists of lasers/electrolysis (which I am NOT supposed to do because, again, I scar much too easily, and my doctor says that Facial Keloids are super hard to deal with and hide and honestly it would just make my self-esteem -if there is any- even worse) That leaves me with medication… . More medicine forever? Sounds great doc. Pile it on. Better take it before I lose all semblance of femininity. Oh, it doesn't work either? WOW. And it even may be making my problem worse? Oh, but I can't stop, because then I'll be right back at the start, or make it worse. RIGHT-O!
My mental ailments are not always visible, but so debilitating. OCD has crippled me. I feel like a shell of a person. I can't hold down a job because of the combination of physical and mental nonsense I have going on. Every day is constant self-doubt, anxiety, intrusive thoughts and depression. I don't enjoy anything anymore. Nothing feels good or real. Not even my marriage, which is the worst part of all. The fact that my own brain is using my worst fears to sabotage my marriage to a very nice and decent person breaks my heart. Because it won't fucking stop. It never stops. I don't see a way to actually find relief by waiting. I just want to be sure. I want to feel secure in my life, my choices, and self, but I haven't felt way in forever, if I ever actually did at all.
Like… is my fear of actually CTB an intrusive thought? It's giving me all sorts of panic now that it NEVER did before. I have one voice saying, just do it. Just do it! Like a dare, or before a speech you know you have to just get over and present at school, or maybe it's more like what kids experience on their first theme park ride. They want to. Soooooo bad. But at the same time, they want to run away. They're terrified and can't imagine it. It's impossible. They surely can't be one about to go on the ride. But deep down, they know if they are brave, if they take that step, there might be a whole world of change. But it's scary to take the step. Because what if you're wrong? What if you feel pain? What if you go and it makes your loved ones feel pain, the way you felt? What if you destroy them? What if you leave them alone and break their heart?
I can't stand the thought of my husband finding me. I have thoughts that, if we weren't together, I would have no worries or doubts. I fear that I'm pushing him away to get that result, so that I can actually follow through with CTB. I don't want that though. I'm afraid that if I let myself, I will feel so much guilt for leaving him, especially if it turns out I fail CTB. I don't want him to be sad. I want to support him like he tried to support me. But it's so hard. I want him with me when I CTB, but I would never never tell him. I would never want him implicated in that.
It would be easier if I was alone in the world. All I have is him. I don't really speak to any family, don't really have friends. I wouldn't care to hurry up and ctb, because the world sucks. I don't see my place in it as an 30yo female with so many physical and mental problems. I literally can't find a way to fit in anymore.
But my brain is freaking out. I hate this. I hate feeling afraid to CTB. I want to be brave. I want to feel nothing about it except ready. I want to push through. But I want to be sure. Having OCD, I'm afraid I will never be sure. Ever. And that's so hard. Because what if this is my chance to ctb, but I wait and wait to try and see if I can finally be fully comfortable, and it's for nothing? What if I CTB, and I make a mistake that somehow affects me cosmically/energetically?
What is "good enough" for CTB? Is this just my brain finding a way not to follow through?
I don't want to fail. At life or CTB.
Does anyone ever feel like they're life is on hard mode or something? I feel like that every day. Like, when I see other people it seems like life is sort of straight forward and easy for them. I'm always so jealous. I immediately (I know it's generalizing, but these aren't healthy normal people thoughts) think things like: I bet they don't feel such overwhelming anxiety that they can't imagine a future. I bet they don't worry about sweating through two sweatshirts and their jeans in the middle of this snowstorm. I bet they can go to the store without layering up and checking for their girl-beard stubble. I bet they (females) don't have razor burn on their chin from shaving every day. I bet they can look their partner in the eye without feeling like a hairy, grotesque, sexless hag that suddenly emerged from a swamp. I bet their mind isn't rolling through every single possible terrible thing that could happen 24/7. I bet they get to wake up and not immediately wish they could disappear. I bet it's nice to hold down a job and not worry constantly about your appearance and freaking people out with your OCD/Anxiety/Depressive states. It must be amazing to be able to support yourself and feel like you have any ounce of esteem. How do they do it? I think maybe in my mid-20's I used to like myself. I had a career, I travelled, was excited, but it was fleeting, and now it's completely gone. I don't think it will ever come back.
I feel like my body is actively losing some universal fight. Has been since I was a kid. Like am I defective? I see so many people and I wonder how it would be to just have 1 or 2 of my issues. Or just half, maybe just the physical problems and no mental ones. Or the other way? How can I have so much going on? It's so hard to me.
My partner and I have been having a really hard time. Money, depression, communication, you name it. The past couple of years I hit my wall. Nothing will change. I cry and scream and complain and nothing changes. He's gone working. I'm alone with my mental and physical illness telling me how worthless I am. Our futures, which used to align, seem to have split. He wants something that I don't know I can provide. I want something that he doesn't want anymore. I still love him. Remembered how much I love him once I ordered my SN. But my illnesses will never go away. I feel like a burden. I can hardly muster the effort to care for myself, let alone our apartment. I can't function in work. I haven't made any friends in adulthood, don't even really know how. I hate looking at myself. I hate my body and my place in the world. I feel like even achieving whatever life goals I try, it will be empty. What's the point? Why am I here? Why am I broken? Why don't I love myself? Why don't I love the world? Why don't I even want to? Because I don't... I want it gone...
I don't want to continue like this. I hate myself. I don't like the world. Even if I could fix everything now, the prospect of aging, living in this world is so disgusting to me. I don't want to grow older, uglier, weaker. I don't want to hate myself more and more with every passing year. I don't want to be constantly worried, or anxious, or avoiding the world because of how disgusted I am with myself. I hate worrying about my future. About being alone and old. About having no one.
I wish all the time that the world would just implode. We would all disappear and I wouldn't have to be one to do it to myself. I was so ready. I was so so ready. I had my plan. I know my steps. But once I ordered my SN, I began to feel anxious. It suddenly felt like not enough.
And I HATE that.
Because it is. It was.
But I'm afraid to? Afraid of regret, maybe? Or just discomfort, idk… I hate these feelings. I hate these thoughts. I just want to go back to the excitement of planning. I hate feeling afraid. I want to follow through, but I'm afraid of being afraid, if that makes sense?
Look - I have OCD. Obsessing, intrusive thoughts, and ruminating are constant, and very hard work for me. I have so much self-doubt, I hardly know what I feel or am anymore. And it's weird, because I've had intrusive thoughts. I have them every day. For me, CTB is NOT the intrusive thought. Or, at least it wasn't until I started being afraid / doubting. It's a relief. The intrusive thoughts are the ones that make me afraid, panicky and tell me that I'm not brave enough—will never be brave enough-- to actually go through with CTB.
Right?
See, I hate this. I hate not being able to just follow through and make a decision. I hate feeling doubt because I thought I would finally go forward.
I want so badly for the guilt and anxiety to go away. I want to be at peace. I want to feel the absolute relief and happiness I did leading up to actually ordering my supplies. I don't want to fail in CTB. I don't want not go through with it.
But now, instead of joy, I'm afraid. I'm so afraid and I don't know what that means, or if it's even really what I feel, or it's just SI. Idk. I want to be told that this is normal and to just keep going, that it will fade away with time. I'm scared that it won't though and that I will just keep dragging this out. I'm scared of freaking myself out of it.
Sorry for the long post. It's like a damn ping-pong match in my brain. I want someone to take the choice away, but they can't. I need advice. Idk what's going on. Is this SI at work? Or something else?
Ordered my SN a couple days ago. I have been *actively* sourcing and planning CTB for a couple months. I have been suicidal this round for a full year or two. However, before that I was depressed, anxious, and self-harmed for years.
Up until I ordered the SN, I was experiencing the most control, excitement, and purpose that I have felt in years. It felt good to plan CTB. It felt right. It felt like I would finally make my mental and physical pain stop, but I ran into some trouble. Like, immediately after ordering, I had a rush of anxiety and panic. I suddenly felt stupid. I felt weak, and pathetic. I felt not good enough to CTB. Like my feelings up until then were stupid. It's so weird, because these feelings are so constant, overwhelming, and huge that I have known a long time I couldn't last much longer. Aging and degenerating even further gives me the worst feeling of dread. I'm a female, just turned 30. I feel too young to be as trapped by my body as I am, but also too old to fit in to the world, somehow. I have physical and mental health problems, but once I ordered my sn, they suddenly felt small compared to so many who have terminal illnesses, or homeless, or are being regularly abused. It made me wonder if this means I'm doing something wrong. I'm obsessive, and I frequently worry about hurting whatever energy/soul/whatever there might be somehow by feeling anxious as I CTB. Then I think that, no matter what I do, I would be overly anxious and panicked when I CTB. Then I flop back, and I worry that my self-doubt means I can't do it, or that it means I'm making a mistake.
I do have chronic illness, though it's a weird combination. I have PCOS, Severe Hiperhidrosis, OCD, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Depression, and ptsd. People don't understand the shittiness of it. I will admit explaining hiperhidrosis to people is a weird one that I have to work at every single moment of every day to hide, but essentially: Imagine waking up after a bad, hot, sweaty night of nightmares and stress. You know the sweat rolling over your skin / soaked clothes / soaked mattress thing? Imagine that, but all the time. Every day. No matter what. No matter where. No matter why. Prescription antiperspirant doesn't work. Padding, sweatshields, nothing works. I look like I just ran a marathon, and I will be eating cheerios. I sweat sitting on the couch; I sweat into the cushions! I'm sweating as I type this. I'm disgusting and I hate myself. I was schooled in teaching, but (maybe this is because I'm female) there's only so many times you can sweat through your clothes and have students ask if you've peed yourself, or if you were just in the pool or at the gym before you begin to realize you can't hide it anymore. I have been dealing with this since childhood, which really impacted my high school years and mental health. It's just getting worse. I have tried various methods. Short of scraping my sweat glands from my entire body what can I do? And I'm not even advised to do that! I am sensitive and my skin scars easily and very badly. I have keloids all over my chest and back arms. They can't really be removed. They hurt. All the time, every day. Surgery just means more scars. They get bigger and bigger, and hurt more and more. I've done everything within my money and power, but there's nothing to do to actually fix the problem. Ever.
My PCOS comes with (outside of any possible fertility trouble, which, don't get me started on having children in this world) the lovely addition of fucking with / losing my once very beautiful, curly hair on my head, and having it replaced with dark, thick facial hair on my face that won't stop. I've been mowing it down since higschool, but once I hit 25, it became a full-on man's beard texture and appearance (if I don't cut it). I have to shave it every day. It's still visible though. Plucking leads to scarring, which… as I said… Combating it professionally consists of lasers/electrolysis (which I am NOT supposed to do because, again, I scar much too easily, and my doctor says that Facial Keloids are super hard to deal with and hide and honestly it would just make my self-esteem -if there is any- even worse) That leaves me with medication… . More medicine forever? Sounds great doc. Pile it on. Better take it before I lose all semblance of femininity. Oh, it doesn't work either? WOW. And it even may be making my problem worse? Oh, but I can't stop, because then I'll be right back at the start, or make it worse. RIGHT-O!
My mental ailments are not always visible, but so debilitating. OCD has crippled me. I feel like a shell of a person. I can't hold down a job because of the combination of physical and mental nonsense I have going on. Every day is constant self-doubt, anxiety, intrusive thoughts and depression. I don't enjoy anything anymore. Nothing feels good or real. Not even my marriage, which is the worst part of all. The fact that my own brain is using my worst fears to sabotage my marriage to a very nice and decent person breaks my heart. Because it won't fucking stop. It never stops. I don't see a way to actually find relief by waiting. I just want to be sure. I want to feel secure in my life, my choices, and self, but I haven't felt way in forever, if I ever actually did at all.
Like… is my fear of actually CTB an intrusive thought? It's giving me all sorts of panic now that it NEVER did before. I have one voice saying, just do it. Just do it! Like a dare, or before a speech you know you have to just get over and present at school, or maybe it's more like what kids experience on their first theme park ride. They want to. Soooooo bad. But at the same time, they want to run away. They're terrified and can't imagine it. It's impossible. They surely can't be one about to go on the ride. But deep down, they know if they are brave, if they take that step, there might be a whole world of change. But it's scary to take the step. Because what if you're wrong? What if you feel pain? What if you go and it makes your loved ones feel pain, the way you felt? What if you destroy them? What if you leave them alone and break their heart?
I can't stand the thought of my husband finding me. I have thoughts that, if we weren't together, I would have no worries or doubts. I fear that I'm pushing him away to get that result, so that I can actually follow through with CTB. I don't want that though. I'm afraid that if I let myself, I will feel so much guilt for leaving him, especially if it turns out I fail CTB. I don't want him to be sad. I want to support him like he tried to support me. But it's so hard. I want him with me when I CTB, but I would never never tell him. I would never want him implicated in that.
It would be easier if I was alone in the world. All I have is him. I don't really speak to any family, don't really have friends. I wouldn't care to hurry up and ctb, because the world sucks. I don't see my place in it as an 30yo female with so many physical and mental problems. I literally can't find a way to fit in anymore.
But my brain is freaking out. I hate this. I hate feeling afraid to CTB. I want to be brave. I want to feel nothing about it except ready. I want to push through. But I want to be sure. Having OCD, I'm afraid I will never be sure. Ever. And that's so hard. Because what if this is my chance to ctb, but I wait and wait to try and see if I can finally be fully comfortable, and it's for nothing? What if I CTB, and I make a mistake that somehow affects me cosmically/energetically?
What is "good enough" for CTB? Is this just my brain finding a way not to follow through?
I don't want to fail. At life or CTB.
Does anyone ever feel like they're life is on hard mode or something? I feel like that every day. Like, when I see other people it seems like life is sort of straight forward and easy for them. I'm always so jealous. I immediately (I know it's generalizing, but these aren't healthy normal people thoughts) think things like: I bet they don't feel such overwhelming anxiety that they can't imagine a future. I bet they don't worry about sweating through two sweatshirts and their jeans in the middle of this snowstorm. I bet they can go to the store without layering up and checking for their girl-beard stubble. I bet they (females) don't have razor burn on their chin from shaving every day. I bet they can look their partner in the eye without feeling like a hairy, grotesque, sexless hag that suddenly emerged from a swamp. I bet their mind isn't rolling through every single possible terrible thing that could happen 24/7. I bet they get to wake up and not immediately wish they could disappear. I bet it's nice to hold down a job and not worry constantly about your appearance and freaking people out with your OCD/Anxiety/Depressive states. It must be amazing to be able to support yourself and feel like you have any ounce of esteem. How do they do it? I think maybe in my mid-20's I used to like myself. I had a career, I travelled, was excited, but it was fleeting, and now it's completely gone. I don't think it will ever come back.
I feel like my body is actively losing some universal fight. Has been since I was a kid. Like am I defective? I see so many people and I wonder how it would be to just have 1 or 2 of my issues. Or just half, maybe just the physical problems and no mental ones. Or the other way? How can I have so much going on? It's so hard to me.
My partner and I have been having a really hard time. Money, depression, communication, you name it. The past couple of years I hit my wall. Nothing will change. I cry and scream and complain and nothing changes. He's gone working. I'm alone with my mental and physical illness telling me how worthless I am. Our futures, which used to align, seem to have split. He wants something that I don't know I can provide. I want something that he doesn't want anymore. I still love him. Remembered how much I love him once I ordered my SN. But my illnesses will never go away. I feel like a burden. I can hardly muster the effort to care for myself, let alone our apartment. I can't function in work. I haven't made any friends in adulthood, don't even really know how. I hate looking at myself. I hate my body and my place in the world. I feel like even achieving whatever life goals I try, it will be empty. What's the point? Why am I here? Why am I broken? Why don't I love myself? Why don't I love the world? Why don't I even want to? Because I don't... I want it gone...
I don't want to continue like this. I hate myself. I don't like the world. Even if I could fix everything now, the prospect of aging, living in this world is so disgusting to me. I don't want to grow older, uglier, weaker. I don't want to hate myself more and more with every passing year. I don't want to be constantly worried, or anxious, or avoiding the world because of how disgusted I am with myself. I hate worrying about my future. About being alone and old. About having no one.
I wish all the time that the world would just implode. We would all disappear and I wouldn't have to be one to do it to myself. I was so ready. I was so so ready. I had my plan. I know my steps. But once I ordered my SN, I began to feel anxious. It suddenly felt like not enough.
And I HATE that.
Because it is. It was.
But I'm afraid to? Afraid of regret, maybe? Or just discomfort, idk… I hate these feelings. I hate these thoughts. I just want to go back to the excitement of planning. I hate feeling afraid. I want to follow through, but I'm afraid of being afraid, if that makes sense?
Look - I have OCD. Obsessing, intrusive thoughts, and ruminating are constant, and very hard work for me. I have so much self-doubt, I hardly know what I feel or am anymore. And it's weird, because I've had intrusive thoughts. I have them every day. For me, CTB is NOT the intrusive thought. Or, at least it wasn't until I started being afraid / doubting. It's a relief. The intrusive thoughts are the ones that make me afraid, panicky and tell me that I'm not brave enough—will never be brave enough-- to actually go through with CTB.
Right?
See, I hate this. I hate not being able to just follow through and make a decision. I hate feeling doubt because I thought I would finally go forward.
I want so badly for the guilt and anxiety to go away. I want to be at peace. I want to feel the absolute relief and happiness I did leading up to actually ordering my supplies. I don't want to fail in CTB. I don't want not go through with it.
But now, instead of joy, I'm afraid. I'm so afraid and I don't know what that means, or if it's even really what I feel, or it's just SI. Idk. I want to be told that this is normal and to just keep going, that it will fade away with time. I'm scared that it won't though and that I will just keep dragging this out. I'm scared of freaking myself out of it.
Sorry for the long post. It's like a damn ping-pong match in my brain. I want someone to take the choice away, but they can't. I need advice. Idk what's going on. Is this SI at work? Or something else?
it sounds awful and i understand why you'd want to go. i wish peace for you, how ever that entails
). 
