Venting Is this.. normal?

[AkaRed]

I know that depression works differently for everyone. It's not a one-size-fits-all, I get that.
But for me, it's so back and forth, I damn near convinced myself I had bipolar with the amount of highs and lows I get when I do get severely depressed. There is one constant, and that's the thoughts that go through my head. Just impulsive things of self-harm, suicide, or doing some insanely dangerous and risky shit- scaring everyone around me, then coming back from it. I could be walking on the sidewalk, watching the cars passing me, and have an urge to just- jump in front of one. Maybe even stick my leg out to see what it's like.

I'll make constant offhand comments about how internally miserable I am, and at most, I'll usually get a side-eye and be told to stop.

Sometimes I wish I'd go through with something extreme to prove myself. But like many others here, I have one common issue- a fear of pain.

Right now? I kind of want to end up in the hospital for doing some stupid shit. For trying to CTB or doing something dangerous. Not sure yet.

I have an urge to pick up unhealthy habits because I know they're no good for my body. Things like alcoholism and smoking. Those are two big ones right now.

I'm tired of being told to stay on the straight and narrow, take no risks, get a job, work my life away, get a house with a white picket fence, have seven kids, and get married to some equally straight-edge doctor.

I want to live a comfortable life if I'm going to be living at all. But jesus christ can I have some fun with it?

If it means I destroy myself down the road, fuck it. At least I'll be having fun.
<3

 

[SoftWorries]

That seems pretty normal even for someone who isn't depressed or suicidal.

Sounds to me like you want to break out of your shell. Maybe you should try smoking weed or psychedelics. Those would shake things up for sure.

 

[SantasHelper]

I'm going through the same thing. Idk if it's normal but you're not alone in this

 

[CTB Dream]

Yea know how this no same state this even me injury damage smtm worse smtm lesss

 

[sadToast]

i feel the exact same. i just kinda vented about this so i can understand where you're coming from. if you have access to them i recommend psychedelics. they help you really get in touch with a lot of things and they were eye opening for me when i first started to feel this

 

[Deleted member 60002]

It could be depression, or it could be a more serious mental health condition. I'm no doctor, so I really don't have a clue. However, I can tell you that you are not alone. There are many people here—people already in this thread—going through similar issues. If we define "normal" as something that isn't unusual or unexpected, then what you're feeling right now would be pretty normal, unfortunately.