Venting Is this my karma? Is it my fault that he’s dead?

[BlueButterfly111]

I am starting to feel so much guilt about my boyfriend's death 9 months after he passed away. I've been having to wait a lot longer than most people to get Sn so that I can finally die. I've been waiting for almost 3 months. Now I'm starting to feel like this is my karma and not just a coincidence.

I feel like maybe had I taken the relationship more seriously, or maybe if he had never met me at all he'd be alive and happy. He didn't die from suicide, he died from being shot by a police officer several times while he was having a mental health crisis. I miss him so much, his death haunts me, and I am now so alone.

The reason why I feel guilt is because the last time I saw him I said that I might have to break up with him because I didn't see him enough, but I didn't mean it but it was a stupid thing to say, I've never told anyone in real life, and now I feel like it's my fault.

I feel much more mature than I felt before he died, I was 21 and he was 30, now I'm 22 and he would've been 31. I should've taken the relationship more seriously, but I just wanted to see him more and spend more time with him. I feel like he took the fact that I said I was thinking about breaking up with him seriously and maybe that's why he had a mental episode.

I didn't even know about his mental issues until after he passed away. I also didn't even know that he told his mother and sister that he was in love with me until his sister told me. I feel so sad and haunted by the whole thing. And now I think that this is my karma by not being able to even ctb. I'm forced to suffer, am I a bad person? I don't think I'm a bad person, I was just so immature at the time, but I think that this is my karma for my harmful actions. I didn't even realize that he loved me that much to tell his mom and his sister that he loved me until it was too late.

I feel like a horrible person and an alien and this is my karma. I just want to die.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Your not a bad person. His decisions led to the events that day. Not yours. It's hard, but life isn't easy. Carry on.

 

[username12345]

If you had never caught on that he was having a difficult time then you didn't know him as well as you thought you did. Most of the time you can tell something isn't right, but I don't think in this case you were at fault. Definitely the police instead.

 

[Anonymousa]

While what you said was upsetting, It isn't your fault for his death at all, it was the bastard cop. You didn't know the full extent of his mental state so you wouldn't at all known the effect it would on him. Maybe there were other things with his mental state that would have caused the crisis anyways so you are not at fault here.

Also personally I wouldn't believe in karma as some bad people don't get punished when good people do. Lots of other people are also having this problem of not getting their SN so its a problem with the deliveries and not anything to do with the person.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

If you had never caught on that he was having a difficult time then you didn't know him as well as you thought you did. Most of the time you can tell something isn't right, but I don't think in this case you were at fault. Definitely the police instead.

I could tell that something was wrong when I didn't hear from him after a week and how he was giving short replies. But I don't think that anything was wrong the last time I saw him. But I do think it was after his car had broken down and he couldn't come get me. Sorry there's a lot more to the story that I left out but just wanted to clarify that.

 

[23421]

if it's of any help, karma is most definitely not real, or else people wouldn't get away with and have wonderful lives in spite of doing horrible inhumane things. you aren't at fault for his death. i'm sorry you have to go through this pain

 

[BlueButterfly111]

if it's of any help, karma is most definitely not real, or else people wouldn't get away with and have wonderful lives in spite of doing horrible inhumane things. you aren't at fault for his death. i'm sorry you have to go through this pain

Thank you although it does feel like it, but I appreciate it.

 

[seppuku404]

I don't know exactly the situation, but I've somewhat been on the other side of this. having a younger girl whose feelings were so uncertain despite me loving her so much. I did recognize part of it as immaturity and it helped me not blame her directly for some stuff. That's just how people are sometimes, they don't know better, me and him included, unfortunately. with mental health problems involved the situation only gets more out of hand, as some others have said here in this thread, it's not your fault.