Is there such a thing as a defining moment?

[CountingSeconds]

I failed an attempt a week ago. I'm completely on the floor. I spent time with a friend yesterday and it's making me think, a lot.

I have never known anything other than suicide. It's so ingrained within me that this is how I'll go and the time feels very close.

For anyone who is in recovery, was there a defining moment? If so, what triggered it? Or is it just an acceptance that life is a struggle and then how do you deal with those dark days?

I think I need to gain full perspective from all angles before I pull the metaphorical trigger.

 

[thenamingofcats]

I've been in recovery a couple times over my life. It was more circumstantial than anything. It was like a moment in time when things felt more normal and I felt like I was living a semi-normal life. I think acceptance of struggle goes far but for me I've always felt that events in my life have crossed the line of reason. Suicide is definitely a way of saying no to further cruelty and abuse.

 

[soulkitty]

Honestly even though I'm trying really hard to be in recovery I think I'm far from recovered, but it's the path I'm trying to go down. Although everytime I am home alone I get a very strong urge to make an attempt lol. For me there was a defining moment but that moment is very useless to me now. It was when my best friend said "you're important to all of us, don't ever forget that" "I never want to see you go in any way" "thank you for existing" "I'm here to help you at anytime any place" and "we all are just worried and care a lot about you" when I talked to them about how suicidal I was feeling. But now that that person left me, along with the other friends they mentioned, the top thing that was driving me to live is gone. Because all of that felt like lies.

I think the main reason I'm trying for recovery now is everytime I try to attempt SI kicks in, and I get scared of dying. It doesn't feel like it's my time and unfortunately no matter how many times I set a date, or try to do an impulsive attempt it never works out no matter how much I want to die. Also Ngl SS is really keeping me alive and on the path to recovery. I've met some really amazing people here that have become my friends in ways, without this place I think I would be dead. It's the only place I'm able to get human connection and the recovery resources have genuinely helped me a lot

 

[Eridanos]

Also Ngl SS is really keeping me alive and on the path to recovery.

This forum has helped me a lot and I really think SS is my defining moment. I know that when I get here it means I'm really desperate, seeing that I'm not the only one in the world to experience theese feelings really helps me a lot. Before getting here I tell myself "no that forum is just if you are really desperate, you don't really want to ctb don't you?".
Yet, it's been 4 years and I'm still here.

acceptance that life is a struggle

It basically is this for me. It doesn't mean that acceptance always works or that I'm really that happy in my day to day life but as I said, for me the first step it's accepting that in fact I'm feeling like shit.
It may not seem much but usually one is drawn to think that it's just the "natural conclusion" of the ""objective"" reality, while in fact it's just how I perceive the world right now.

It may still be unbereable, but at least I know it's not the how the world is, just how my mind decide to interpret it. My mind could be wrong or not dunno but in the end the world is just an empty shell that we give meaning to.