KuriGohan&Kamehameha

KuriGohan&Kamehameha

想死不能 - 想活不能
Nov 23, 2020
1,700
Time is supposed to heal all wounds, supposedly. But does it? Sometimes, then others it feels like you develop a burning nostalgia for what's gone.

I've heard people say that around 7 years of friendship is when the connection starts feeling long-term/permanent. Losing someone I was friends with for around 6 to 7 years was a hard blow I still haven't gotten over to this day, especially when you think about how that person is still existing out there and having a life of their own that you simply aren't a part of anymore.

I'll call this particular friend Liz, for the sake of convenience and clarity amidst this rambling. As most people know, I'm autistic and this meant that I struggled throughout childhood to make friends, wasn't guided on when certain topics of conversation were innapropriate, etc. Where I grew up was incredibly rural and isolated from the rest of the world, and there was no support for disabled children whatsoever unless you required complete assistance in every aspect of life/severe intellectual disability.

I got bullied severely, not just by one or two people but entire groups and even teachers because they were not trained on how to deal with an autistic child. Finally, I got to go to another school far away- since there was only one school where I grew up- due to the fact the bullying was completely inescapable. I had never met another person who was outcast like me before this. When I was 12, I made friends for the first time in my life, one of which was Liz.

All of my childhood, I had yearned for another girl to be friends with. A huge struggle for autistic women and girls is that we often still have a great deal of wanting to socialise, like NT women, but don't get an outlet to fulfill these needs which contributes to a profound sense of isolation, as being skilled at socializing is something expected of you as a woman.

There were issues with the friendship, but in my entire life I don't think there has been a person I connected with more than Liz. We had very similar interests, and she was incredibly creative, funny, and just a very unique sort of individual that you don't come across very often- if ever.

For once, I could talk about my interest without fear of judgement. She introduced me to so many different sorts of music and media that I still listen to or watch to this day. She drove me to be better than what I was. There were so many inside jokes that only the two of us shared between ourselves, and if I tried to share this with another soul, they wouldn't understand.

It was probably no surprise that a few years later when we became teenagers, I fell in love with her. Being gay is incredibly frowned upon where I grew up, and even before this we frequently got harassed by other kids accusing us of being f slur constantly. It is not uncommon for people to cut off LGBT relatives there. My entire family hated me when they realised I was not straight. Liz's family also would have hated her if they'd known. Yet, it was something I could not help, nor did I wish to change it despite desperately wanting to feel normal and not being harassed or looked down on all of the time. It's amazing how much the world at large has changed since I was growing up and how wonderful it is now that many teenagers do not have to live in fear like I did when they realize they are drawn to the same gender.

I later realised that I was bisexual but for most of my youth I thought I was a lesbian, since I was exclusively attracted to other women for years. There were practically no other LGBT people at my school, but I learned that Liz was. We never ended up dating, but I told her that I liked her at some point in high school. Perhaps, I should have seen the warning signs before that. When we were younger, playing in the gymnasium during school, she would get violent with me during some of the sports and games to the point of injury, where I'd be coming home with bruises up my legs and arms.

She was incredibly emotionally unstable once we hit high school, and it was not uncommon when we had an exam or assignment grade given to us during classes for her to get up and go around the room interrogating people about their grades. Several times she would cry if anyone got higher than her. Once we had a subject exam at the end of the year (similar to A-levels) so there was intense stakes and pressure. She burst out into tears in the deathly silent room but the invigilator did not intervene and she continued to cry for a solid 15 minutes.

Like me, Liz came from an abusive home, mostly emotional abuse from her mother. However, in some way she was also attached to her mother and would tell her things, then report back to me that her mother hates me, finds me disgusting, and a bad influence because I came from an abusive home, even though I was incredibly polite around her. The fact that I was one of the have nots just disgusted her, even though she worked with vulnerable people.

One time on a school trip, her mother went along and forced me to count small coin change in front of a waiter because my family didn't give me enough money, she refused to even buy me a bite to eat but had no trouble doing it for others. It was very humiliating to constantly be put down by a grown 45 year old woman for no reason as a 13 year old child. She also seemed to torment Liz to the point of her daughter being suicidal. It got bad enough to the point where Liz would say loudly at school that she was going to self harm and wants to kill herself because of her mom. She would be forced to do extreme sports including running as a punishment by the mother until she fell ill.

This continued to the point where it was seriously worrying, and if she had continued I think the school would have intervened. I was living with foster parents at the time and my foster mother (a formal social worker) wanted to report Liz's mother to social care for child abuse. My foster sister filed an anonymous tip, with me in the room, in hopes that our friend would not succumb to the abuse and attempt ctb. This turned out to be the absolute worst mistake of my life. Now, I had confessed my feelings to Liz months before this, and while we didn't end up dating, we had kissed each other, cuddled, not fully had sex but I did some more intimate touching with her on one occasion. During these times I think we were both nervous (and terrified of being caught and outed as gay, but I think I tried to be reassuring and she never told me she didn't like what we were doing, and even wanted more attention from me after).

Liz was furious when a support worker came to talk to her and immediately threw a fit in school claiming someone had made up egregious, terrible lies about her mother and how dare they do this. She wanted to know who was responsible. My foster sister lied and said I made the report, to this day she had not told the truth in any capacity and allowed this lie to linger for 10 years. In retaliation, Liz began telling everyone at school that I sexually assaulted and raped her. This was an extremely low blow because right as I was starting high school an older guy at school started molesting me, everyone knew about the case and few believed me as the guy in question was very popular and well liked. So now I was being outed, labeled as a creepy abuser, and having my own trauma thrown in my face.

My sister did not defend me and allowed Liz to slander me so they could remain close friends. It took several months before Liz would speak to me again, and she admitted the entire time I was fancying her she was sexting another girl online and was dating her. I tried to forgive her, and for several years we remained friends, though I could always tell she had a lower opinion of me and thought herself better. Yet, anything I would do Liz would follow suit. She always had to compete with me in academics, and also, when I began struggling with gender identity issues, she suddenly did too and tried to make a contest of who had it the worst. Whenever I started developing health issues I think she mocked me and thought I was being dramatic. One time she said something along the lines of she hated seeing me do anything better than her, as if I were a rival.

In early adulthood we lived in the same area, Liz no longer identifies as female at that point and so I will use they now. Liz continued to talk shit about me to their mom, and said I could not be housemates with them because their mother despised me. They actually ended up living with a Wehraboo who didn't clean or shower, and was obsessed with Hitler and WW2 over me. It completely floored me. However, they were treating me better than high school and I was beginning to feel like things were good between us again. Around this time, I was hurting a lot internally, because a good friend of mine I looked up to a lot suddenly ctb, but Liz didn't know this I think. One day, out of nowhere, they started to pretend like I didn't exist. If they saw me in public, they would turn their head away, or ignore me if I called out to them. Subsequently, they blocked me on everything. It's been 6 years and they still have not unblocked me. I will never know why.

At this point, I really should be over it. Out of curiosity, I searched for Liz online the other day and found their professional accolades, they have a prestigious career now. I desperately want to talk to them and get closure on this entire matter but I can't because they blocked me. Years later, I just miss my friend. The first person I ever had a crush on and who showed me it was okay for me to like other women. Whenever I spoke to my foster sister about this a year ago, I don't think she really cared and said something about how "I probably remind them of awful days when they were closeted about their gender and struggling with it" but this is just bs because for a lot of the time that I knew them, this wasn't a concern.

I know that they have their own issues, and that I'm probably romanticising and looking back on something bad with rose-tinted glasses, but even when I've moved on with my life I find myself missing those days and Liz from time to time. On so many occasions, I will see something and think of them, or my foster family who I've similarly lost favor with, and feel gutted because I can't share this with them and only have a memory of how things were 10 years ago. I desperately wish I could go back in time and undo all of it.

Similarly but not, there's been another person I've been close to for over 5 years now, mostly online but we have spent a palpable amount of time together in person. At one point I would probably consider this individual my best friend. He was someone I aspired to be like in many ways. We are both autistic, but he had speech therapy at an early age and is extremely good at masking. In university, he lived in a party house and was going out every night having the time of his life. Growing up in the middle of nowhere, having pretty much no friends except Liz and my sister, nothing to do, never being invited to anything, this sort of lifestyle was enthralling when I was 20 and had been deprived of the entire teenage experience.

Because of my chronic illnesses though, it was difficult to keep up each time I visited and he did some pretty insensitive things that hurt me. We probably hurt each other a lot. Recently, he admitted that he seeks out people better than him and insinuated that I am some kind of loser. Yet, I just wanted to have a taste of the world that he lived in. To be confident, to be busy all the time, to know what to say to people, to hear good music and watch memorable films, to have fun, and enjoy myself.

Some of the few good moments I've ever had were spent talking shite at the pub at 2 am, meeting lots of people, walking home drunk and laughing. Or getting high and watching movies, finding new music, waking up the next day and cooking and then walking as much as my legs will let me. I know this life is off limits to me and that I was not good enough to deserve it, but I think I will always feel regret that I never got to truly live like he has for anything other than small snippets of a couple days out of every year. Some people may find it shallow but that is the lifestyle that makes me happy, I love socialising and partying but my autism, PTSD, and physical health problems impede me.

Mourning for the life I could never have is something I can't really get over. The lack of true teenage years and the lost friends, besides all my family being gone. There were many formative experienced that I missed out on and so many ways that I was delayed compared to my peers. I think there are some things we truly never get over. Now that I'm in my mid 20s, the time has passed for most of these things.
 
Last edited:
  • Hugs
  • Aww..
  • Like
Reactions: Lostandlooking, NoLoveNoHope, nomoredolor and 22 others
Downdraft

Downdraft

I've felt better ngl
Feb 6, 2024
704
I moved out and I still can't get over how dogshit my family and tutors were. How can you fail so much in every thing you must do keeps impressing me, lol.

I had equally horrible acquaintances, but I don't care about those. The more I read this posts, the more convinced I am that relationships aren't a road to anything positive.
 
  • Hugs
  • Love
Reactions: thebelljarrr, whywere, Praestat_Mori and 2 others
Lost Magic

Lost Magic

Illuminated
May 5, 2020
3,126
I think most of us are reflective about things in our past. The past is gone. Acceptance is the hardest part of life but it is the only way we can come to terms with it all.
 
  • Love
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: guitarsteve, promapicide, loslassen and 3 others
CTB Dream

CTB Dream

Injury damage disabl hard talk no argu make fun et
Sep 17, 2022
2,512
This say gtovr assm prsn chos mtr, me no chos any no posbl gtovr injury damage this prmnt, also othr thing life no posbl gtovr this life cncpt all wrng time move all no posbl time trvl, ,.
v sry kuri lgbt vlg v sad wish u have lovy
 
  • Hugs
  • Love
  • Like
Reactions: set0553, ThatFlyGuy, thebelljarrr and 3 others
NumbItAll

NumbItAll

expendable
May 20, 2018
1,094
Well that story took a dark turn. And I don't think time heals all wounds either. If there's a void then it can linger indefinitely until something fills it. I've had issues with limerence, getting stuck on the same person for years even after no contact, basically being frozen in time. Even when I accept that they're gone and it's only a memory, the pain doesn't magically go away, because there's no resolution.
 
  • Hugs
  • Love
  • Like
Reactions: death_by_life, nattanatta, Лена and 5 others
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
20,922
I have a few events that have lingered in my mind all this time and people I still can't fully get over but they're all my own fault. I'll probably come back to this later to describe some of them in detail or maybe I'll just try to find somewhere else that I posted about them and try to copy paste it here. 😞
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: tickingclock01, promapicide, Alexei_Kirillov and 3 others
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
3,355
No, not really. I don't tend to give enough of a shit about most people or things to have this issue.
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: thebelljarrr, KuriGohan&Kamehameha and Praestat_Mori
Raven2

Raven2

Specialist
Dec 1, 2022
348
A couple of situations that shaped my life and not for the better. One event triggered quite acute anxiety that I lived with for years. I still havent got over either of these traumas and who ever said time heals can do one.
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: Лена, whywere, Praestat_Mori and 1 other person
abchia

abchia

Student
Aug 28, 2023
177
I can't get over how every time I look in the mirror, I am more disgusted than expected by how I look. Surely by now there would be no surprises
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
  • Aww..
Reactions: OnlyOneSolution, tinyboxer, Лена and 2 others
P

Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
11,141
I can't get over my big failure a few years ago - that's like a trauma. Starting from scratch with no promising ideas in mind seems so impossible.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: KuriGohan&Kamehameha, whywere and ForgottenAgain
F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
9,321
I don't think I've ever gotten over my Mum dieing when I was 3. That's the major one for me. But then, I suppose most things shape us into who we are. Do we ever get over the truly bad stuff? Doesn't it make us distrusting or cynical?
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: thebelljarrr, Alexei_Kirillov, KuriGohan&Kamehameha and 4 others
LaVieEnRose

LaVieEnRose

Angelic
Jul 23, 2022
4,211
Mourning for the life I could never have is something I can't really get over. The lack of true teenage years and the lost friends, besides all my family being gone. There were many formative experienced that I missed out on and so many ways that I was delayed compared to my peers. I think there are some things we truly never get over. Now that I'm in my mid 20s, the time has passed for most of these things.
Yes, yes, and yes.

I'm sorry about Liz. Attachments don't fade so easily even if you can recognize that the person isn't really good for you.

Is your friend really autistic? To be able to do all that? But I get it. I long for and mourn that lifestyle too even though I know as I actually am I would not have enjoyed it.
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: promapicide, Alexei_Kirillov, KuriGohan&Kamehameha and 2 others
ForgottenAgain

ForgottenAgain

On the rollercoaster of sadness
Oct 17, 2023
934
I'm sorry your life was so hard and traumatic... I think I understand that deep connection you felt with Liz, because I had a similar connection with a girl when I was younger. She was my bestfriend and the only woman I've met that really enchanted me, was interesting, funny, creative, everything. I know I'll never find someone like her and it pains me that I've reached out and was ignored.

I don't think time heals all wounds, there are several things I can't seem to get over even though more than a decade have passed. I constantly keep thinking about my life before being 13, when I had my mother, my grandma, my cat. The days of their deaths are burned in my memory forever. My mother's empty eyes staring at the distance, face cold, her screams... I replay that scenario in my head so many times...it was 17 years ago but I'm crying like it was yesterday.

I've seen so much death irl, you don't forget how it looks, how it is so fast. The light disappearing from the eyes it's so fast...

I don't know how to live the present when the people I loved so much, that raised me and took care of me, are gone and are never coming back, when I keep forgetting parts of them each day, when I don't remember how their voices sounded like anymore...
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: promapicide, thebelljarrr, Alexei_Kirillov and 4 others
W

whywere

Visionary
Jun 26, 2020
2,968
Back in 1974, with no food, no money, no shelter and person that I had met in high school talked to his parents and they took me in, fed me, housed me and never charged me anything.

Then in 1982 he placed a stupid bet that he could swim a small lake with ice chunks still on it and this gal would have sex with him. This was at the college that both of us attended. I cannot swim, I panicked when I get water up to my waist and I watched from shore as he got towards the middle of the lake, he went under and drown. This is before cell phones and I went so far off the mental cliff that the state troopers in the state where I went to school at, put an APB (all-points bulletin) where I was to be arrested if found and taken to a hospital for mental evaluation.

Even though it has been over 42 years, I can close my eyes and still relive it all over again.

Damn it makes me cry and so sad even now, sorry.

Walter
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
  • Wow
Reactions: NoLoveNoHope, promapicide, Kali_Yuga13 and 7 others
S

scubadam

just a guy trying to find peace
Aug 4, 2024
51
ooh, for me it was my first girlfriend. we had an amazing time together, but we both weren't mature enough to talk about our problems in the relationship. we broke up after nine months of being together. it was years ago, but only lately i've been able to "forget" the love i had for her. sometimes it still hurts thinking about her, but it got way more bearable than before
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: promapicide, KuriGohan&Kamehameha, Praestat_Mori and 1 other person
LaVieEnRose

LaVieEnRose

Angelic
Jul 23, 2022
4,211
and insinuated that I am some kind of loser.
You're a paragon of unmatched scrappiness, grit, and magnamity.

It's very sad we can't expect solidarity from other marginalized folks.
 
  • Love
Reactions: KuriGohan&Kamehameha
Velvet Fortress

Velvet Fortress

Member
Dec 13, 2021
72
The Habs getting absolutely bodied by the Lightning in the final of 2021

In all seriousness, I know I tell myself I don't really give a shit mostly out of neglect for myself, but the the bullying, my parents shitting on me for most of my life, and the very little friends I made as an adult who completely took advantage of me, that shit left a mark that made me very secluded and apprehensive to connect with anyone.

And most recently, a relationship that despite starting well I just couldn't fucking handle by virtue of being too abnormal/out of place and falling apart under responsibilities. I don't even miss the relationship, I just wish I wasn't so fucking bad at handling it

Idk, just a big pile of shit that makes me think I'm better off away from people, even though loneliness makes me want to blow my brains out
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: KuriGohan&Kamehameha
pthnrdnojvsc

pthnrdnojvsc

Extreme Pain is much worse than people know
Aug 12, 2019
2,592
cant' get over not buying N from D 3 bottles in 2021

can't get over not working hours per day every day on getting my suicide plan ready to go past 99% or close to it. 5 years wasted on nothing but watching youtube tV etc. those addictions are difficult to break to youtube social media wasting time

also every day of the last 5 years i had an opportunity to kill myself and haven't done it i can't get over i let all those opportunities pass by. for example i've had SN and shotguns for 5 years although plan not ready to go .

everything else doesn't matter to me . my only rational goal when i think about it is suicide asap. nothing else matters to me .

i especially don't care about any relationships to humans romantic or otherwise.
 
Last edited:
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: KuriGohan&Kamehameha, thebelljarrr and Alexei_Kirillov
Alexei_Kirillov

Alexei_Kirillov

Missed my appointment with Death
Mar 9, 2024
922
I don't think it's true that time heals all wounds. I think there are some people who will forever be etched into our hearts, and it looks like Liz was one of those people for you. That doesn't mean it's always going to hurt the same, just that these kinds of "soul attachments," as I like to call them, will persist in some form or another for a long time. I also had a best friend that I fell in love with but never dated, and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about him. To this day I can't talk about him out loud without welling up. It's not the sharp, acute pain that it was when I first cut contact, just a deep, diffuse ache, even though I know it was for the best.
 
  • Hugs
  • Aww..
  • Like
Reactions: promapicide, Dr Iron Arc, KuriGohan&Kamehameha and 2 others
nux_walpurgis

nux_walpurgis

Me, my whispers and a broken God
Oct 18, 2023
154
I can't get over my parents' abuse. The anger is eating me alive.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: KuriGohan&Kamehameha, whywere and thebelljarrr
J

J&L383

Arcanist
Jul 18, 2023
486
67, still trying to get over things. Maybe if I have another 80 years?
 
  • Hugs
  • Love
Reactions: KuriGohan&Kamehameha and whywere
Uninfluential_Karma

Uninfluential_Karma

Rat Cult Leader
Aug 5, 2024
86
Oof, reading what happened between you and Liz hit extremely close to home. I met someone online that I had known for 5-6 years and considered them one of my first true friends. We were both born female but tried sorted out gender identity issues between each other. I feel like I can't even remember most of the relationship, just I was happy and felt truly cared about. One day they admitted that they developed romantic feelings for me and we started dating. Everything seemed find until one of their friends messaged me and told me that my friend was actually dating her. We all talked about it a lot but I eventually realized that my friend was cheating on me with this other girl for a year, around the time we had started dating. This girl seemingly wasn't aware of our dating status until I told her. Anyway I broke up with that friend and the girl did to, but from what I know, my ex-friend convinced the girl to get back together with them. It makes me doubt that they ever actually loved me, and maybe they just made a mistake by dating me or actually wanted to actively hurt me. I hate that I can't do anything about it, but I still have one good friend. They're probably the only true friend I'll ever have.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: KuriGohan&Kamehameha
KuriGohan&Kamehameha

KuriGohan&Kamehameha

想死不能 - 想活不能
Nov 23, 2020
1,700
You're a paragon of unmatched scrappiness, grit, and magnamity.

It's very sad we can't expect solidarity from other marginalized folks.
Thank you, I guess the autism community really is that polarised. My friend is one of the lucky few to have good support growing up in certain capacities, a far cry from many of us who are just left to our own devices to struggle and don't get any positive intervention during vulnerable periods of development that set the stage for what's to come.

I can definitely relate to yearning for things you actually wouldn't enjoy, it's easier to fantasize and yearn for things than imagine how disappointing the reality of living through those idealised desires might be. There was one point where a documentary/TV show I was watching was idolising the military/royal marines for having a strong sense of community and structure, for a brief second I actually wished I was healthy and could join the military lol. Even though I would most certainly hate it and be opposed to doing things I morally disagree with, just the sight of seeing people becoming very close friends and having strong bonds was enough to make me feel envious of what they had.


Back in 1974, with no food, no money, no shelter and person that I had met in high school talked to his parents and they took me in, fed me, housed me and never charged me anything.

Then in 1982 he placed a stupid bet that he could swim a small lake with ice chunks still on it and this gal would have sex with him. This was at the college that both of us attended. I cannot swim, I panicked when I get water up to my waist and I watched from shore as he got towards the middle of the lake, he went under and drown. This is before cell phones and I went so far off the mental cliff that the state troopers in the state where I went to school at, put an APB (all-points bulletin) where I was to be arrested if found and taken to a hospital for mental evaluation.

Even though it has been over 42 years, I can close my eyes and still relive it all over again.

Damn it makes me cry and so sad even now, sorry.

Walter
I'm sorry your life was so hard and traumatic... I think I understand that deep connection you felt with Liz, because I had a similar connection with a girl when I was younger. She was my bestfriend and the only woman I've met that really enchanted me, was interesting, funny, creative, everything. I know I'll never find someone like her and it pains me that I've reached out and was ignored.

I don't think time heals all wounds, there are several things I can't seem to get over even though more than a decade have passed. I constantly keep thinking about my life before being 13, when I had my mother, my grandma, my cat. The days of their deaths are burned in my memory forever. My mother's empty eyes staring at the distance, face cold, her screams... I replay that scenario in my head so many times...it was 17 years ago but I'm crying like it was yesterday.

I've seen so much death irl, you don't forget how it looks, how it is so fast. The light disappearing from the eyes it's so fast...

I don't know how to live the present when the people I loved so much, that raised me and took care of me, are gone and are never coming back, when I keep forgetting parts of them each day, when I don't remember how their voices sounded like anymore...

I'm so sorry to both of you. I read your posts a couple days ago and wanted to reply, it affected me quite hard emotionally, as I've had many similar experiences in my life dealing with death and grief. These types of losses are some of the worst pain one can experience in life. Walter, I am sure your friend knew how much he changed your life forever for the better, when you had no one else to turn to. Even decades later you keep his memory alive, I'm sure he would appreciate it.

Seeing a person you love deeply die, or be in the process of it, is one of those things you can never forget. It's like a Pandora's box, I've always felt like, once your mind registers such a trauma it's impossible to go back to the innocence you felt before the event.

I am so sorry that you both had to witness such terrible things. The sights don't leave you, though I desperately wish there was a way to block out those vivid, painful memories and remember how our loved ones were before the last moments. Hopefully sharing things here can ease some of the burden of that pain. I have had many similar traumatic experiences in life and each one broke me a little bit more than the last.

My father died when I was in primary school and even though it has been over 15 years now, I still get a sense of dread if I hear a phone ringing in the middle of the night. My father would often disappear for days at a time due to his drinking and drug problems, but I felt a lot of worry on this particular day and then was woken up in the dead of night to be told my father had been killed. Much like you described, it shocks me that I barely remember him now, what he sounded like, what he looked like... I've spent more years without a father now than I did with one. It's a ghastly, horrible feeling.

My aunt was very ill my entire life and many times I would find her in a horrible state (ODing on pills), screaming in agony on the floor with broken or dislocated bones, unable to move, immobile in hospital beds, hearing her beg for death, it was way too much for a child to see especially when I was 13 and becoming more self-aware and perceptive of the world, I just knew one day I was going to find her dead.

Fortunately, I was not there to witness when she died several years later, but for years I was watching her die slowly, as her disease had progressed very far and was incurable/unmanageable past a certain point. My grandparents on that side basically kept her on forced life extending measures and experimental treatments, to the point where one day when I was 13 I saw her down a bottle of strong painkillers and begged me to let her die or kill her. Of course I called for help, and she despised me for it. Forcing a child to be a bystander to that was one of the most disturbing things my family has ever done to me. I hated being forced to confront the very real possibility of death so frequently.

What hit me the hardest though, was my grandfather's death about 8 years ago. I just wish I could go back in time, before things changed forever. I know exactly what you mean about categorising life as before the loss and after. It just isn't the same. My grandpa died very slowly and over the course of several months. It was the most awful thing I ever had to witness in my life, when you describe the light going out of someone's eyes, it's such a harrowing description of watching that sharp, acute decline.

My grandparents raised me and so I always considered them as being more like my parents. I was still a teenager and watching my only father figure become emaciated and forced to wear diapers, becoming delirious, unable to breathe, at a certain point unable to eat, hearing the death rattle, being there to say goodbye in hospice and knowing they'll be gone in moments. I cannot understate how badly that fucked me up and has contributed to how suicidal I am today.

On my grandpa's last day, he could hardly talk or get a word out anymore. I remember the last thing he said to me and my grandma was something like, "Give me the pain medicine, I'm going to die anyway." Every day I just cried for hours watching death setting in. When my grandpa died, he looked nothing like himself anymore and the image is forever burned into my mind too.

Now, the only family member I have left is my grandma, who I am far away from. A few months ago I watched my grandma have a very bad accident and I just knew when she hit her head how serious it was. For days I didn't know if my grandma would pull through, she received bad medical care, and is now extremely weak and disabled for the rest of her life when she was previously very fit and active. I had to help take care of her for a few weeks and I just wanted to cry seeing how downhill things had gotten. I am terrified I will have to witness her death, especially when I know there is not much time left.

Because of my PTSD, I frequently have nightmares related to traumatic experiences in my life, usually warped versions of things I've seen or experienced in the past, and for the past several months I have had a nightmare about my grandma collapsing again and dying EVERY SINGLE DAY. When I've been to MH services, they basically ignore this and have told me to "approach strangers in public" to deal with the incredible loneliness of my entire family except my grandma being dead or having cut me off at an early age. It feels like the average person really does not have such repeated exposure to death from an early age.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go on a tangent. But your experiences were very relatable to me, almost viscerally so. I know it's not much solace, but I understand your pain, and I hope you know you're not alone in dealing with that grief.

I try not to see things in black and white, as the world is often grey, but the amount of death that many of us are forced to see and encounter is something that's made me question how life is supposed to be a good thing when at any moment everything we love can be taken away. Living in the aftermath of all of this loss has not really resulted in me gaining anything, nothing close to resembling the love I had from my grandparents.
 
Last edited:
  • Hugs
  • Love
Reactions: Dr Iron Arc, whywere and ForgottenAgain
LaVieEnRose

LaVieEnRose

Angelic
Jul 23, 2022
4,211
Thank you, I guess the autism community really is that polarised. My friend is one of the lucky few to have good support growing up in certain capacities, a far cry from many of us who are just left to our own devices to struggle and don't get any positive intervention during vulnerable periods of development that set the stage for what's to come.
Early social interventions didn't help me at all.

If you friend truly is autistic and not autism-adjacent or something, he sounds like a complete anomaly.

Or course not every autistic person has the exact same tools in their metaphorical toolboxes.
 
  • Like
Reactions: KuriGohan&Kamehameha
KuriGohan&Kamehameha

KuriGohan&Kamehameha

想死不能 - 想活不能
Nov 23, 2020
1,700
Early social interventions didn't help me at all.

If you friend truly is autistic and not autism-adjacent or something, he sounds like a complete anomaly.

Or course not every autistic person has the exact same tools in their metaphorical toolboxes.
Oh, don't get me wrong, on the inside he is struggling much like us, but doesn't want to show it to others. Frequently has angry meltdowns, feels hopelessness, experiences suicidality as well, but a lot of people don't know this as he can conceal it behind closed doors. While a person like me tends not to hide it so well.

But on the surface he masks the autistic traits very well, he has confidence and is very intelligent to the point where his intelligence allowed him to emulated other's social cues. It was always a point of contention, my friend is most certainly more presentable than I am, I can't make eye contact, I fidget, my voice sounds really strange, my gait is off. Definitely would still say he's an anomaly though, because at a certain point during childhood he had a concussion and he said it changed many aspects of his personality and cognitive abilities. I wonder how that inevitably impacts autism?

I have seen some very confident people (albeit with no boundaries or filter) in an autism support group I was in briefly a long time ago. I always wondered how they can develop those skills, it's not like I lack confidence to do things but more feeling like I'm missing the manual that neurotypicals have.

The idea of a spectrum is probably validating in some ways but deeply isolating in others. I could never really relate to most other people in ASD groups, for whatever reason, but then just about every friend I've ever made has ended up being another autistic person.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Eternal Eyes
ForgottenAgain

ForgottenAgain

On the rollercoaster of sadness
Oct 17, 2023
934
I'm so sorry to both of you. I read your posts a couple days ago and wanted to reply, it affected me quite hard emotionally, as I've had many similar experiences in my life dealing with death and grief. These types of losses are some of the worst pain one can experience in life. Walter, I am sure your friend knew how much he changed your life forever for the better, when you had no one else to turn to. Even decades I am so sorry that you both had to witness such terrible things. The sights don't leave you, though I desperately wish there was a way to block out those vivid, painful memories and remember how our loved ones were before the last moments. Hopefully sharing things here can ease some of the burden of that pain. I have had many similar traumatic experiences in life and each one broke me a little bit more than the last.

My father died when I was in primary school and even though it has been over 15 years now, I still get a sense of dread if I hear a phone ringing in the middle of the night. My father would often disappear for days at a time due to his drinking and drug problems, but I felt a lot of worry on this particular day and then was woken up in the dead of night to be told my father had been killed. Much like you described, it shocks me that I barely remember him now, what he sounded like, what he looked like... I've spent more years without a father now than I did with one. It's a ghastly, horrible feeling.

My aunt was very ill my entire life and many times I would find her in a horrible state (ODing on pills), screaming in agony on the floor with broken or dislocated bones, unable to move, immobile in hospital beds, hearing her beg for death, it was way too much for a child to see especially when I was 13 and becoming more self-aware and perceptive of the world, I just knew one day I was going to find her dead.

Fortunately, I was not there to witness when she died several years later, but for years I was watching her die slowly, as her disease had progressed very far and was incurable/unmanageable past a certain point. My grandparents on that side basically kept her on forced life extending measures and experimental treatments, to the point where one day when I was 13 I saw her down a bottle of strong painkillers and begged me to let her die or kill her. Of course I called for help, and she despised me for it. Forcing a child to be a bystander to that was one of the most disturbing things my family has ever done to me. I hated being forced to confront the very real possibility of death so frequently.

What hit me the hardest though, was my grandfather's death about 8 years ago. I just wish I could go back in time, before things changed forever. I know exactly what you mean about categorising life as before the loss and after. It just isn't the same. My grandpa died very slowly and over the course of several months. It was the most awful thing I ever had to witness in my life, when you describe the light going out of someone's eyes, it's such a harrowing description of watching that sharp, acute decline.

My grandparents raised me and so I always considered them as being more like my parents. I was still a teenager and watching my only father figure become emaciated and forced to wear diapers, becoming delirious, unable to breathe, at a certain point unable to eat, hearing the death rattle, being there to say goodbye in hospice and knowing they'll be gone in moments. I cannot understate how badly that fucked me up and has contributed to how suicidal I am today.

On my grandpa's last day, he could hardly talk or get a word out anymore. I remember the last thing he said to me and my grandma was something like, "Give me the pain medicine, I'm going to die anyway." Every day I just cried for hours watching death setting in. When my grandpa died, he looked nothing like himself anymore and the image is forever burned into my mind too.

Now, the only family member I have left is my grandma, who I am far away from. A few months ago I watched my grandma have a very bad accident and I just knew when she hit her head how serious it was. For days I didn't know if my grandma would pull through, she received bad medical care, and is now extremely weak and disabled for the rest of her life when she was previously very fit and active. I had to help take care of her for a few weeks and I just wanted to cry seeing how downhill things had gotten. I am terrified I will have to witness her death, especially when I know there is not much time left.

Because of my PTSD, I frequently have nightmares related to traumatic experiences in my life, usually warped versions of things I've seen or experienced in the past, and for the past several months I have had a nightmare about my grandma collapsing again and dying EVERY SINGLE DAY. When I've been to MH services, they basically ignore this and have told me to "approach strangers in public" to deal with the incredible loneliness of my entire family except my grandma being dead or having cut me off at an early age. It feels like the average person really does not have such repeated exposure to death from an early age.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go on a tangent. But your experiences were very relatable to me, almost viscerally so. I know it's not much solace, but I understand your pain, and I hope you know you're not alone in dealing with that grief.

I try not to see things in black and white, as the world is often grey, but the amount of death that many of us are forced to see and encounter is something that's made me question how life is supposed to be a good thing when at any moment everything we love can be taken away. Living in the aftermath of all of this loss has not really resulted in me gaining anything, nothing close to resembling the love I had from my grandparents.

Thank you, I guess the autism community really is that polarised. My friend is one of the lucky few to have good support growing up in certain capacities, a far cry from many of us who are just left to our own devices to struggle and don't get any positive intervention during vulnerable periods of development that set the stage for what's to come.

I can definitely relate to yearning for things you actually wouldn't enjoy, it's easier to fantasize and yearn for things than imagine how disappointing the reality of living through those idealised desires might be. There was one point where a documentary/TV show I was watching was idolising the military/royal marines for having a strong sense of community and structure, for a brief second I actually wished I was healthy and could join the military lol. Even though I would most certainly hate it and be opposed to doing things I morally disagree with, just the sight of seeing people becoming very close friends and having strong bonds was enough to make me feel envious of what they had.





I'm so sorry to both of you. I read your posts a couple days ago and wanted to reply, it affected me quite hard emotionally, as I've had many similar experiences in my life dealing with death and grief. These types of losses are some of the worst pain one can experience in life. Walter, I am sure your friend knew how much he changed your life forever for the better, when you had no one else to turn to. Even decades later you keep his memory alive, I'm sure he would appreciate it.

Seeing a person you love deeply die, or be in the process of it, is one of those things you can never forget. It's like a Pandora's box, I've always felt like, once your mind registers such a trauma it's impossible to go back to the innocence you felt before the event.

I am so sorry that you both had to witness such terrible things. The sights don't leave you, though I desperately wish there was a way to block out those vivid, painful memories and remember how our loved ones were before the last moments. Hopefully sharing things here can ease some of the burden of that pain. I have had many similar traumatic experiences in life and each one broke me a little bit more than the last.

My father died when I was in primary school and even though it has been over 15 years now, I still get a sense of dread if I hear a phone ringing in the middle of the night. My father would often disappear for days at a time due to his drinking and drug problems, but I felt a lot of worry on this particular day and then was woken up in the dead of night to be told my father had been killed. Much like you described, it shocks me that I barely remember him now, what he sounded like, what he looked like... I've spent more years without a father now than I did with one. It's a ghastly, horrible feeling.

My aunt was very ill my entire life and many times I would find her in a horrible state (ODing on pills), screaming in agony on the floor with broken or dislocated bones, unable to move, immobile in hospital beds, hearing her beg for death, it was way too much for a child to see especially when I was 13 and becoming more self-aware and perceptive of the world, I just knew one day I was going to find her dead.

Fortunately, I was not there to witness when she died several years later, but for years I was watching her die slowly, as her disease had progressed very far and was incurable/unmanageable past a certain point. My grandparents on that side basically kept her on forced life extending measures and experimental treatments, to the point where one day when I was 13 I saw her down a bottle of strong painkillers and begged me to let her die or kill her. Of course I called for help, and she despised me for it. Forcing a child to be a bystander to that was one of the most disturbing things my family has ever done to me. I hated being forced to confront the very real possibility of death so frequently.

What hit me the hardest though, was my grandfather's death about 8 years ago. I just wish I could go back in time, before things changed forever. I know exactly what you mean about categorising life as before the loss and after. It just isn't the same. My grandpa died very slowly and over the course of several months. It was the most awful thing I ever had to witness in my life, when you describe the light going out of someone's eyes, it's such a harrowing description of watching that sharp, acute decline.

My grandparents raised me and so I always considered them as being more like my parents. I was still a teenager and watching my only father figure become emaciated and forced to wear diapers, becoming delirious, unable to breathe, at a certain point unable to eat, hearing the death rattle, being there to say goodbye in hospice and knowing they'll be gone in moments. I cannot understate how badly that fucked me up and has contributed to how suicidal I am today.

On my grandpa's last day, he could hardly talk or get a word out anymore. I remember the last thing he said to me and my grandma was something like, "Give me the pain medicine, I'm going to die anyway." Every day I just cried for hours watching death setting in. When my grandpa died, he looked nothing like himself anymore and the image is forever burned into my mind too.

Now, the only family member I have left is my grandma, who I am far away from. A few months ago I watched my grandma have a very bad accident and I just knew when she hit her head how serious it was. For days I didn't know if my grandma would pull through, she received bad medical care, and is now extremely weak and disabled for the rest of her life when she was previously very fit and active. I had to help take care of her for a few weeks and I just wanted to cry seeing how downhill things had gotten. I am terrified I will have to witness her death, especially when I know there is not much time left.

Because of my PTSD, I frequently have nightmares related to traumatic experiences in my life, usually warped versions of things I've seen or experienced in the past, and for the past several months I have had a nightmare about my grandma collapsing again and dying EVERY SINGLE DAY. When I've been to MH services, they basically ignore this and have told me to "approach strangers in public" to deal with the incredible loneliness of my entire family except my grandma being dead or having cut me off at an early age. It feels like the average person really does not have such repeated exposure to death from an early age.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go on a tangent. But your experiences were very relatable to me, almost viscerally so. I know it's not much solace, but I understand your pain, and I hope you know you're not alone in dealing with that grief.

I try not to see things in black and white, as the world is often grey, but the amount of death that many of us are forced to see and encounter is something that's made me question how life is supposed to be a good thing when at any moment everything we love can be taken away. Living in the aftermath of all of this loss has not really resulted in me gaining anything, nothing close to resembling the love I had from my grandparents.
I'm so sorry for the amount of pain you and the people you loved went through. That really is such a young age and so many deeply hard moments to go through... Reading all that really spoke to me, I don't think I've ever seen someone word how I feel so well. I don't know how to explain this feeling but thank you for your response, it made me feel something I don't think I have ever felt before.

My most sincere condolences for your family members, those were really painful ways to go... I hope they are now in peace, resting.

I understand what you said about having nightmares daily. I usually have nightmares and they are about my mother, my grandma or my cat. Horrible dreams where their faces get distorted, they get irrationally angry or dangerous. It baffles me how medical professionals don't care for nightmares when they can so incapacitating, like you have described.

I managed to stop a recurring nightmare once, maybe you already know this technique but let me know if you're interested and I can share it. Don't want to give unsolicited advice.

Life really is divided into sections of before the loss and after...you worded it so well... I don't know how but I hope you can feel better, you sound like such an empathic and intelligent person who really needs a break from all this suffering. I'm so sorry, again, that you saw so much death and in such a visceral way. It's not fair, not for you and not for your family members...
 
  • Love
Reactions: KuriGohan&Kamehameha
Eternal Eyes

Eternal Eyes

Student
Dec 3, 2023
120
Some of the few good moments I've ever had were spent talking shite at the pub at 2 am, meeting lots of people, walking home drunk and laughing. Or getting high and watching movies, finding new music, waking up the next day and cooking and then walking as much as my legs will let me. I know this life is off limits to me and that I was not good enough to deserve it, but I think I will always feel regret that I never got to truly live like he has for anything other than small snippets of a couple days out of every year. Some people may find it shallow but that is the lifestyle that makes me happy, I love socialising and partying but my autism, PTSD, and physical health problems impede me.

Man that really sums it up for me. The life most autistic people miss out on. The small things that some neutrotypical people can take for granted.

I'm lucky in regards that I don't miss my old friends too much, people change a lot during their young adult and teen years anyway. There's no bad blood, but I'd not be in a rush to make further contact.

My main regret is not doing more as a teen, trying to make more friends, go more places, engage in more hobbies etc. Like you I grew up in a rural area and I just stagnated.
 
  • Hugs
  • Love
Reactions: KuriGohan&Kamehameha and whywere
LaVieEnRose

LaVieEnRose

Angelic
Jul 23, 2022
4,211
Oh, don't get me wrong, on the inside he is struggling much like us, but doesn't want to show it to others. Frequently has angry meltdowns, feels hopelessness, experiences suicidality as well, but a lot of people don't know this as he can conceal it behind closed doors. While a person like me tends not to hide it so well.

But on the surface he masks the autistic traits very well, he has confidence and is very intelligent to the point where his intelligence allowed him to emulated other's social cues. It was always a point of contention, my friend is most certainly more presentable than I am, I can't make eye contact, I fidget, my voice sounds really strange, my gait is off. Definitely would still say he's an anomaly though, because at a certain point during childhood he had a concussion and he said it changed many aspects of his personality and cognitive abilities. I wonder how that inevitably impacts autism?

I have seen some very confident people (albeit with no boundaries or filter) in an autism support group I was in briefly a long time ago. I always wondered how they can develop those skills, it's not like I lack confidence to do things but more feeling like I'm missing the manual that neurotypicals have.

The idea of a spectrum is probably validating in some ways but deeply isolating in others. I could never really relate to most other people in ASD groups, for whatever reason, but then just about every friend I've ever made has ended up being another autistic person.
Anomalous in the sense of coping that well socially to enjoy partying and shit. That seems pretty far removed from the autistic average even if he is closer or sits right on it in other regards.
 
  • Love
Reactions: KuriGohan&Kamehameha
loslassen

loslassen

call me jvne
Dec 8, 2023
162
wow, Im so sorry you went through… just all of that. it sounds like a hell, I'm sorry that happened to you, you didn't deserve that.

I do have to agree with the people here who speak up about how in human nature the most difficult thing is to let go, yet one of the most healing and positive things we can achieve. there is no shame in having not done it, or being unable to not think about something that happened in the past. I believe with enough strength of will, tears shed, time to think, write, process and understand you can someday achieve to let go, specially if accompanied by new motivations to live.

I don't want to sound pessimistic, but I do believe sometimes that I will never be able to let go of my childhood trauma, I'm merely exiting my teenage years, and haven't had much of a chance to create warm and new memories, specially if the troubles and difficulties still chase me around.

I can't get over my childhood s/a, I can't get over my mother (who I believe has a bipolar disorder) because she has me at gunpoint by threatening herself if i don't give her the attention she needs. I can't get over postponed and abandoned promises, and many other things that even though I understand them they still simply… hurt. I don't know if i'll ever be able to get over these things, but at least I try.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: ForgottenAgain and whywere
kyhoti

kyhoti

Looking for fair winds and following seas
May 27, 2024
293
The woman to whom I almost proposed, while standing under the Eiffel Tower at night in Paris. I would have died years ago from cancer if I had gone down that road, but such is life. I paused, ended up with someone else, and sadly, I survived.
 

Similar threads

Rudi
Replies
2
Views
137
Offtopic
Rudi
Rudi
N
Replies
0
Views
93
Offtopic
noname223
N
firewoodduck
Replies
7
Views
268
Recovery
firewoodduck
firewoodduck
Somethingswrong
Replies
2
Views
122
Recovery
JoysoftheEmptiness
JoysoftheEmptiness