Is there no other way?

[-nobodyknows-]

I am drifting. I don't have a place that I would consider to be my home. I don't have any close friends, nor am I in a relationship with anyone. My family is okay, they are not bad people at all, but I have felt very distant from them for a long time now.

I am suicidal. I don't really have a specific reason for it. I just am, and I don't have a good way to change that. I've tried a bunch of things, like therapy and medication, but it never really went anywhere. I also tried ECT, and while that did prevent me from having suicidal thoughts, it made it hard for me to think at all, so I don't think that's something I can rely on. Drinking is kind of similar, when I get drunk I feel better (until I start puking) but it's not sustainable for the long term.

Though, there is one thing that I think would really help. You see, I always did better when I had someone in my life I could be close to, either a friend I could spend a good amount of time talking to and hanging out with, or a romantic partner. But, I'm not very good at either of those things. That stuff is like a drug to me. It makes me feel so much better when I'm around them, and when I am not things deteriorate quickly and so I become quite clingy. Naturally, people aren't too fond of that sort of desperation.

I don't know what to do. I cannot help but wonder if I am defective and should not be here. I don't bring much joy to people the way some others do. When I open up to people, I tend to just make them feel sad and worried, and I really hate that. So I feel like I should go away. I can't isolate myself, I've tried and I inevitably end up trying to make friends again, so I think the best thing to do is to just end my life.

I really wish things could be different though. I wish there was a way to tell people these things without making it seem like I'm trying to manipulate them. I really want to meet someone who is okay with that side of me, and wants to be by my side. I don't think it will happen though, so it is hard.

How do I keep going, when I don't believe things will be better? I have had people tell me that I will never escape my feelings, I am stuck like this. And people don't want to be around someone like me. So what else is there to do?

One way or another, I need this to end.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Some people tend to bring more light to us, yet I feel people only act as shadows in my existence.

 

[EternalShore]

Though, there is one thing that I think would really help. You see, I always did better when I had someone in my life I could be close to, either a friend I could spend a good amount of time talking to and hanging out with, or a romantic partner. But, I'm not very good at either of those things. That stuff is like a drug to me. It makes me feel so much better when I'm around them, and when I am not things deteriorate quickly and so I become quite clingy. Naturally, people aren't too fond of that sort of desperation.

I know what you mean~ :( relying on others for life, then they get tired of it and abandon you~ :( It sucks lots and lots! :( I'm sorry to hear that it happens to you too! >_<

 

[mint]

More and more it seems like openness and genuine emotions are not valuable traits in the world. They always have to be hidden away by layers of irony or soldiered through in silence, and when you do let it out, people never take it seriously. Or if they do, they shy away. What a shitshow it is.

 

[DaveNotSleeping]

I struggle with codependency when I'm in relationships or have people I consider close friends. All I want to do is make them happy which in turn makes me happy. As soon as I open up about something traumatic and they react negatively I either start to pull away or I inevitably sabotage that relationship until it dies.

Humans being social creatures is cruel at times.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

More and more it seems like openness and genuine emotions are not valuable traits in the world. They always have to be hidden away by layers of irony or soldiered through in silence, and when you do let it out, people never take it seriously. Or if they do, they shy away. What a shitshow it is.

I struggle with codependency when I'm in relationships or have people I consider close friends. All I want to do is make them happy which in turn makes me happy. As soon as I open up about something traumatic and they react negatively I either start to pull away or I inevitably sabotage that relationship until it dies.

Humans being social creatures is cruel at times.

it really is an awful feeling knowing that when I try to open up to someone it will hurt them. I want to make them happy, and tell them things that will make them laugh. But all I seem to do is make people sad. I feel like I'm infecting them with my sadness. I hate that about myself so much.

It makes me wonder if the world would be better off without me. But I worry about the pain that would cause others too. I really do not know what to do, because if I wait and do it later I am adding on additional troubles for people between then and now.

I just wish I never became this way. I don't think there's a way back. I wish I had someone who could help me try to get better, but I think it would be too much to put on someone.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am so tired, and can feel my suicidal feelings steadily growing worse. I have been trying to stay, I really have, but it's getting to be too much.

So I'm stuck. I just wish someone could understand. I want to be saved, but I don't think I can keep it together for much longer if things continue the way they have been.

 

[AuroraB]

your writing/way of self expression is gorgeous/brilliant. for me, exercise really helps. on days i'm ready to CTB (methods ready to go), i go for a bike ride and i feel better. at least for now.