I had to think about it when I read an old thread of mine. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-am-not-sure-how-i-shall-feel-about-this-new-subforum.91658/
And there is some truth in it. The two members that live the most in my head are Chinaski and FuneralCry. Or at least were. I don't read her posts anymore. And some times has passed since Chinaski lived in my head. I had to think about 2-3 members a lot but rather because they had sad stories or ctb. It wasn't as pathological.
I had psychosis and autism. But I had times where different people lived for a long time inside my head. Someone on here called it a little bit scary. Lol. I am not sure whether it is an autistic trait and these are my special people. Despite the fact I am not in frequent contact with them. Or if it is something psychotic and I have delusions about them. I suspect it is a combination of both.
I had two people who I thought about in a worrisome magnitude. And these two people had noticed something pathological in my behavior. The first therapist I met in a clinic noticed that I had manic elements in my behavior. He pathologized me. And I might pathologize myself because of autism to understand myself better. And in psychosis you think someone else found out the actual truth about you. Now from retrospect I think autism explains more in my behavior than the bipolar diagnosis. I thought about this therapist so fucking much. I had some e-mail contact but it stopped. And he stopped living inside my brain.
It is interesting almost all people who lived in my brain were men. Maybe I have daddy issues? But I certainly have mommy issues too. But in a different way.
The interesting thing is. Women in two clinic stays found out about my autism. And also my current (female) therapist suspected autism. And they never lived in any way as much in my brain. I wonder why.. Maybe I underestimate them? There was one female psychiatrist in a clinic who I trusted. But it was not really pathological.
The by far worst case is the quantum physics professor I met in a clinic stay as a patient. I have insiders with my friends how literally insane my obsession is. "Is it actually weird wanting to have sex with him?" It was a joke and it made my friends giggle. I think one reason for my obsession is I think he was the smartest person I ever talked to in my life. He did not consider me smart. And he challenged my thinking fundamentally. He pointed out pathologies in my thinking. Things no therapist ever noticed. I had the feeling he could play me like a fiddle. I wish I could make psychotherapy or psychoanalysis with someone as smart. My therapists gave me up. But he who was an expert in forecasting gave me hope by saying that the future is uncertain. It is an enigma how to escape my pathologies. Maybe it actually is hopeless. But he considered the total and utter hopelesness and determination of my future pathological itself. This certainty that I will kill myself. People consider me pretty self-aware. I think he considered that total bullshit. He noticed I am doing predictions all the time when I have conversations. And I think that's true. It really seems to be pathological. I always try to be in the mind of the other person and anticipate the answers and thoughts in his or her head. I think though my thinking is highly biased. Because of inter-subjectitivity. And surface signifiers are way too overrated in my thinking. Most people are way more intricate though. You cannot look inside the brain by the way they speak, facial expressions etc. Or at least I cannot do that. I think there is a gap in my understanding of other human beings because of autism. And I am trying to explain the world to me through rationality. And I think for an autist I am very good, and for an average person somewhat good. But certainly not as good as CIA agents or people like that who can actually read people. He was annoyed that I tried to predict his behavior and thoughts. I think my thinking is fast thinking how Daniel Kahnemann would call it. So the exact opposite of slow (and smart thinking). I need to analyze my thoughts all the time in advance and especially retrospectively in order not to drift away. It is ironic by analyzing him I am doing the exact opposite of what he recommended me. I thought for a long time he hated me because of my disgusting obsession with his intellect. Then I thought he only pitied me. And the truth might be. Maybe he actually barely had any strong opinions on me. And my presumptous predictions of his behavior assumed he would be disgusted by my way of being. However, it is obvious that I am traumatized and that real shit happened to me so that a human being becomes like that.
What about you? Can anyone overbid that level of insanity? I am waiting.
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