Venting is there anything/anyone that still keeps pushing you?

[lnlybnny]

in my case, the only thing that keeps me going are my favorite artists. i cry every day thinking about the possibility of never hearing/seeing them again, and not knowing what they'll be up to.

i remember when we hugged, when she kissed my cheek and held my hand, and cry even harder. as i write this, i just finished a crying hard session few minutes ago. i wonder if it would happen again and if i should find a way to keep going because of the possibility of living these dreams again. plus i don't wanna lose the beautiful memories i have.

it absolutely terrifies me to think of losing my memories, they literally are proof that dreams come true, they are my absolute treasures. i don't even feel worthy of it because of the mess i am. i still can't believe i lived these moments.

even though i battle with wanting to ctb/not fitting into anything in this world, my fav artists are the only ones that make me feel life is worth living, even though i know this is like living a fantasy. real life is cruel, the world is merciless. i don't want anything to do with it. i despise the way people live and completely isolate myself from the average people around me. it's one of my main reasons to want ctb. and given my personal circumstances i can't keep going like this.

i need to ctb and i know it would be ideal to do it in the next few weeks. i really want to buy sn and just do it. but i know my heart will stay with my beloved. i'm scared this will trigger my SI to the point i won't be able to do it and keep living like the pathetic joke i am.

please, tell me...

can someone out there relate?

do you have some memories you're scared to lose? wonderful moments you cling to?

 

[dragonofenvy]

It's not memories or wonderful moments that I cling to as I don't have any, but rather, the potentiality to create those things that make me scared to go through with it. It's torture because I know it won't happen. Like you I'm terrified that it's going to make the SI so great that I won't be able to do anything other than continue the pointless existence until I finally die naturally which would be hell.

 

[billie]

My love for books

 

[floppyfrogged]

my friends definitely, and just a boyfriend? tahts weird but it seems like the only thing i can look forward to if i dont ever ctb. i just want somebody to love me

 

[sserafim]

No; there's nothing and no one keeping me going. I honestly don't care about anything or anyone

 

[lnlybnny]

It's not memories or wonderful moments that I cling to as I don't have any, but rather, the potentiality to create those things that make me scared to go through with it. It's torture because I know it won't happen. Like you I'm terrified that it's going to make the SI so great that I won't be able to do anything other than continue the pointless existence until I finally die naturally which would be hell.

i feel you. i'm suicidal for over 10 years and the only thing that stopped me are the possibilities of living these dreams, which i did. it is real and it can happen.

my friends definitely, and just a boyfriend? tahts weird but it seems like the only thing i can look forward to if i dont ever ctb. i just want somebody to love me

i have a relationship but tbh i'm numb towards them, as i am towards everyone else around me. i live inside my fantasies and dreams, and they became real... and now i wish they were real forever, i want them physically materialized among me for eternity. i see people having careers, families, accomplishing things, and all of these doesn't make sense to me. i truly feel like an alien