Discussion Is there anybody here who never enjoyed life to begin with?

[ijustwishtodie]

I feel like a lot of people here did enjoy life at one point but subsequently didn't later in life due to personal circumstances. Some of these circumstances can just be adulthood itself, a failed relationship, getting a horrible physical/mental condition and so forth. It can be a mixture of these things too. Even the people here who claimed to be suicidal during childhood still enjoyed life at some point, or at least that's what they insinuate.

However, I'm curious as for the people here, if there are any, who never enjoyed living to begin with? I'm one of these people and I'm intrigued to find like minded people

 

[theboy]

Well, I feel I have not enjoyed it even though I have had happy moments (few).

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Well, I feel I have not enjoyed it even though I have had happy moments (few).

What were the few happy moments like? Were they happy moments that occurred during childhood only or throughout your entire life?

 

[iloverachel]

Prior to my depression and suicidal thoughts which started around 8 years ago, I didn't necessarily enjoy life, but i didn't dread or hate it either. Life just felt okay I guess. I never really found anything exciting or very enjoyable.

There has been no period in 30 years of my life where I felt life was good. Life was just okay, and now its absolutely horrible

 

[theboy]

I felt really joyful when I felt them. I didn't feel suicidal when I was little and teenagers and maybe some as an adult. I am 23 years old. So, it's just a few moments. I haven't really enjoyed life and feel like I'm just wasting my time living, how about you?

 

[unabletocope]

I was always optimistic about life until I fucked up. I was bullied fairly hard in school but I always tried to get on with people, wasn't seen as particularly cool/trendy but I went along with it. It's only when I made a catastrophic fuck up at 19 when I dropped out of university that everything spiralled into the point I am now

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Prior to my depression and suicidal thoughts which started around 8 years ago, I didn't necessarily enjoy life, but i didn't dread or hate it either. Life just felt okay I guess. I never really found anything exciting or very enjoyable.

There has been no period in 30 years of my life where I felt life was good. Life was just okay, and now its absolutely horrible

You consider not finding anything exciting or enjoyable to be just "okay"? I'm impressed actually. In my case, my life not being enjoyable is part of the reason why I want death in the first place (the other part being that I don't want to pointlessly and cruelly suffer for decades).

I felt really joyful when I felt them. I didn't feel suicidal when I was little and teenagers and maybe some as an adult. I am 23 years old. So, it's just a few moments. I haven't really enjoyed life and feel like I'm just wasting my time living, how about you?

I didn't have any joyful moments at all. At best I didn't feel anything but I definitely didn't really feel joy. I've always craved death ever since I knew what it really was. Being in a permanent state of non existence actually fits my desires extremely well. There's nothing that life can give me to make me happy enough to want to live life

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I don't necessarily fall into this group of people who never enjoyed life so apologies if this reply is unwarranted, but I've definitely come to realize that I've never had an attachment to life, if that makes sense. Like it was never obvious to me even as a kid that death was something bad and to be avoided, and it never made sense to me why people mourned for the dead -- it's only the living, those who can suffer, who need our tears. To this day I can't understand why people have such strong negative reactions to people with suicidal thoughts (writing this from a psych ward rn), as I can't imagine having that reaction myself even prior to becoming suicidal. Anyway given that lack of attachment to life, I honestly think that regardless of what happened in my life, I would've always ended up suicidal.

 

[iloverachel]

You consider not finding anything exciting or enjoyable to be just "okay"? I'm impressed actually. In my case, my life not being enjoyable is part of the reason why I want death in the first place (the other part being that I don't want to pointlessly and cruelly suffer for decades).

I didn't have any joyful moments at all. At best I didn't feel anything but I definitely didn't really feel joy. I've always craved death ever since I knew what it really was. Being in a permanent state of non existence actually fits my desires extremely well. There's nothing that life can give me to make me happy enough to want to live life

Before when i had nothing enjoyable or exciting to do, it was mostly just boredom. It was painful at times.
Maybe it is worse than okay, but it is much better than now, where i have to deal with excruciating mental torture, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, isolation etc on top of nothing to enjoy

So i guess that previous period of my life was okay, compared to now

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes and in my case I've never been able to understand what is supposedly so "good" about existence as it truly isn't, to have the ability to exist is so harmful, meaningless and undesirable. I see no benefit to being burdened with this existence for decades on end just to risk suffering way more at any moment just to inevitably be tormented by old age.
To me existence is such an abomination, there's nothing enjoyable about being a slave to suffering in a decaying flesh prison that can potentially torture us to unlimited amounts. All I wish for is permanent non-existence and I've only ever wished to be at true peace, even when I was very young I found so much comfort in the thought of death.

I find it beautiful to think of this existence permanently disappearing into nothingness, I certainly have no interest in something so cruel and futile as existence, to me existence is evil as it's the source of all suffering and I don't want to suffer in any way.

 

[theboy]

You consider not finding anything exciting or enjoyable to be just "okay"? I'm impressed actually. In my case, my life not being enjoyable is part of the reason why I want death in the first place (the other part being that I don't want to pointlessly and cruelly suffer for decades).

I didn't have any joyful moments at all. At best I didn't feel anything but I definitely didn't really feel joy. I've always craved death ever since I knew what it really was. Being in a permanent state of non existence actually fits my desires extremely well. There's nothing that life can give me to make me happy enough to want to live life

I understand what you are going through. The sense of non-existence seems encouraging. It's like it's an escape. I'm sorry you don't remember happy times but I'm sure you do if you take the time to think about it. Anything PM :)

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yes and in my case I've never been able to understand what is supposedly so "good" about existence as it truly isn't, to have the ability to exist is so harmful, meaningless and undesirable. I see no benefit to being burdened with this existence for decades on end just to risk suffering way more at any moment just to inevitably be tormented by old age.
To me existence is such an abomination, there's nothing enjoyable about being a slave to suffering in a decaying flesh prison that can potentially torture us to unlimited amounts. All I wish for is permanent non-existence and I've only ever wished to be at true peace, even when I was very young I found so much comfort in the thought of death.

I find it beautiful to think of this existence permanently disappearing into nothingness, I certainly have no interest in something so cruel and futile as existence, to me existence is evil as it's the source of all suffering and I don't want to suffer in any way.

I agree so much. Consciousness is a curse for me and I wish I never had it in the first place. I hate society for being so pro life to where I can't kill myself. It's awful at how we are forced to exist in this hellish world

 

[Olisop21.]

I feel like a lot of people here did enjoy life at one point but subsequently didn't later in life due to personal circumstances. Some of these circumstances can just be adulthood itself, a failed relationship, getting a horrible physical/mental condition and so forth. It can be a mixture of these things too. Even the people here who claimed to be suicidal during childhood still enjoyed life at some point, or at least that's what they insinuate.

However, I'm curious as for the people here, if there are any, who never enjoyed living to begin with? I'm one of these people and I'm intrigued to find like minded people

I don't believe I ever enjoyed life. There was nothing that made me happy.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

Very few enjoyable moments in my life full of struggle while being unaware of being on the spectrum.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Being born autistic meant that the world was an overwhelming and chaotic place for me from day one, but I did have several happy moments in early childhood that I can remember.

Looking back, I don't think I ever enjoyed life overall though, I developed PTSD when I was 5 years old and I didn't realize what had happened to me or why I was behaving in odd and sexual ways so early on, despite only being on this earth for a few years. I don't remember what life was like before having PTSD and I was bullied ever since I entered the school system due to my obvious autism and developmental delays.

As a child, I think it's far easier to tune out the bad things in life because you don't fully understand them. I felt fear and sadness and the sting of others and mistreating me, but didn't understand why. And in early adolescence life is still a fairly new experience all packaged up in a shiny coat of paint, everything feels big and there's so much to explore. It wasn't until the teenage years hit, and one starts to become self aware, that all that unhappiness you've been unaware of as a child suddenly starts to come crashing down on you.

 

[Ww42]

There are moments of joy, but i remember even as a kid that my baseline mood was always low, with many depressive symptoma and theyve gotten worse as the years have gone on. I remember classmates saying how depressed i looked, even at the age of 8 or 9

 

[FitsTime]

I enjoyed it much, and somehow i still enjoy it.
After trauma i reconsidered myself and I started being over-dubious and selective towards others and things. It really consumes too much energy, i'm already tired at the beginning of the morning. Also my city is not one of the best...me and my family, we should have moved from here earlier and live a normal life.

 

[Fennec123]

Growing up, when I didn't have a care in the world (in the late 80s/early 90s) were the best times. School was a fun place to see your friends. After school we'd ride around on our bikes, go to the sweet shop... read comics... hang out at each other's houses and play games..... those were the only good times. Literally all downhill after that... parents long, nasty divorce, moving around a lot, abusive partners... and now the state of the world.

 

[LXXCH]

I've had enjoyable moments but nothing more than that, so I wouldn't count that as enjoying life itself. even at a young age I wouldn't say I was ever actually happy has a kid, and even in my high school years I tried going out with friends and dated people and nothing worked.

I always just end up cutting people off and ruining every relationship I get in, so maybe not everyone is meant to be happy

 

[sserafim]

I enjoyed my childhood but I hate being an adult. I didn't even want to live until adulthood. I always thought that I would have died before I reached 18

 

[LunarLight]

it never made sense to me why people mourned for the dead -- it's only the living, those who can suffer, who need our tears.

Sorry, it's been a while since you posted this but it instantaneously made me think of a posthumous song by David Gold and his band Woods of Ypres.

Spoiler: Lyrics

A moment of silence... but not one moment more
The dead are to be forgotten, we are here to be... adored

Look me, in the eyes, don't believe a word they say
For life is good, life is glory, though we live, one life only
Tell me, in real time, don't hesitate to profess
Love me, in the flesh, don't wait till death to sing my praise

A moment of silence... but not one moment more
The dead are to be forgotten, we are here to be adored
In the bleak life and modern times, under grey skies and electric light
Mortal men are living gods, More real than any God ever was

Adora Vivos - Our people are civilized... Love the living while they're still alive
Adora Vivos - Our people are civilized... we shouldn't worship the dead

In the bleak life and modern times, under grey skies and electric light
Where the living still walk the earth alone, more real than any God ever was

In bleak life, (We are realer than gods!) - More real than any God ever was
In modern times (we are realer than Gods!) - More real than any God ever was

Under grey skies and electric light, we the living still walk the earth alone
Where mortal men are living gods, more real than any God... ever was

A moment of silence, (for the dead) but not one moment more
They've all gone to be forgotten, we're still here, to be adored

Look me, in the face, and don't believe a word I say
This life is hard, this life is lonely, and we are here, for one night only
See the pain, in my eyes, the defeat, of my age
Feel the urgency of time, and don't wait till death to sing my praise

A moment of silence (for the dead), but not one moment more
The dead are to be forgotten, we are here to be adored
If you're waiting for tomorrow, save yourself for another day
But if you're living in the moment, don't wait ( till death) to sing my praise

In the bleak life and modern times, under grey skies and electric light
Mortal men are living Gods, More real than any God ever was

As to answer your question, OP, I remember I was bullied from a very young age and it caused A LOT of suffering, BUT as a young autistic child I had also my own world I could seek refuge in. Football/soccer was one of them. And yes, I did enjoy playing with my dad, or even all alone. I did enjoy playing Pro Evolution Soccer on my computer - I could spend my days completely absorbed by the game and feeling sheltered.
And then I became depressed at the age of 10 (I was told by my best friend's mom it was impossible for me to be depressed at such a young age - you know, she had been depressed after a serious car accident for two years, and she KNEW what depression was and I couldn't be depressed at 10 and blah blah blah... and here I am on SaSu at 25, talking with my suicidal fellows, thinking about the best method to CTB :D I've been depressed for much longer than you bitch...). I don't even know why I became depressed, maybe it was because I felt so lonely and isolated because of my autism, I hadn't even been SA'd yet.
And my whole world has been falling apart ever since. I couldn't enjoy life anymore. Well, actually it's been progressive. I enjoyed life less and less till today, when I don't enjoy anything anymore. Everything feels like shit.

 

[iloveduster]

Honestly, my whole childhood and teenhood experiences were terrifying and horrible to begin with, and I was introduced to the idea of suicide at a very young age, so I always "fantasized" about my death. I suffered in many emotional ways that were so severe, they turned into physical pain. I was sure that if I wasn't gonna die from suicide, then I was gonna die from "stress," "loneliness," or something like that. I'm surprised I'm still alive, to be completely honest.

 

[permanently tired]

I liked life until I realized I was gay and how other people were such douche bags if they suspected. I tried not to let it implode my life for the most part and made friends who didn't care, but that's the first time I felt unhappy with myself. Then it spiraled

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Life and this world are evil. I despise both. Why would I enjoy prison slavery ? I haven't and I won't

 

[Oliver]

I enjoyed life til I was around 9-10 years old and then it started going downhill.

 

[Bannana]

Anhedonia is when someone is physically unable to feel pleasure and can affect some from a very young age
i personally do not have any experience with this but it might explain the reasoning behind that

 

[kunikuzushi]

I've never enjoyed life. my earliest memories were miserable and I can't remember ever feeling relaxed and like it's ok to be alive

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I've had enjoyable moments but nothing more than that, so I wouldn't count that as enjoying life itself. even at a young age I wouldn't say I was ever actually happy has a kid, and even in my high school years I tried going out with friends and dated people and nothing worked.

I always just end up cutting people off and ruining every relationship I get in, so maybe not everyone is meant to be happy

It's unfair as to how everybody here doesn't get to enjoy life as much as society claims they enjoy life. I also believe that not everybody is meant to be happy but I feel bad for those people. Do you think that you would be happier if you were in a relationship which couldn't be ruined?

I enjoyed my childhood but I hate being an adult. I didn't even want to live until adulthood. I always thought that I would have died before I reached 18

My childhood was awful but, at the same time, it was far, far better than adulthood. For me, it's better to have never been but I'd also prefer childhood over adulthood

Honestly, my whole childhood and teenhood experiences were terrifying and horrible to begin with, and I was introduced to the idea of suicide at a very young age, so I always "fantasized" about my death. I suffered in many emotional ways that were so severe, they turned into physical pain. I was sure that if I wasn't gonna die from suicide, then I was gonna die from "stress," "loneliness," or something like that. I'm surprised I'm still alive, to be completely honest.

I relate way too much aside from perhaps the physical pain part. I mean, I do get headaches everyday due to the mental pain caused by me being alive but I'm not if that's even significant enough to count as physical pain even though the headaches hurt like hell for me. Also, I'm surprised that I'm still alive too. I'm always perpetually stressed and I find it difficult to cope in this world. I think that I have to die soon by simply not being fit to survive in this world but, then again, I've seen some people here claim that they thought the same about their own lives yet they're shocked at still being alive. Maybe I'd be the same as well but I hope I don't. Either way, I hope you find peace soon

I liked life until I realized I was gay and how other people were such douche bags if they suspected. I tried not to let it implode my life for the most part and made friends who didn't care, but that's the first time I felt unhappy with myself. Then it spiraled

I'm sorry for how people have treated you. There's nothing wrong with being gay. People are just assholes

Life and this world are evil. I despise both. Why would I enjoy prison slavery ? I haven't and I won't

I understand life being evil but why this world? I thought that life alone was the sole cause of our issues. It's because we exist with consciousness that we have limitless potential to suffer and are forced to be under the whims of chance. This world without any sentient life would be okay, peaceful even. It's because if existence why people here suffer. Whenever I look at the night sky, I start to think about how peaceful space is. There's no suffering in space... no hunger, no thrist, no homelessness, no oppression, no rape, no wars and so on

Anhedonia is when someone is physically unable to feel pleasure and can affect some from a very young age
i personally do not have any experience with this but it might explain the reasoning behind that

I definitely have anhedonia and I think I have been for a long time. I don't know what caused it. Do you know how to get rid of anhedonia?

I've never enjoyed life. my earliest memories were miserable and I can't remember ever feeling relaxed and like it's ok to be alive

I relate. I'm sorry for your suffering and I hope you find peace soon

 

[sserafim]

It's unfair as to how everybody here doesn't get to enjoy life as much as society claims they enjoy life. I also believe that not everybody is meant to be happy but I feel bad for those people. Do you think that you would be happier if you were in a relationship which couldn't be ruined?

My childhood was awful but, at the same time, it was far, far better than adulthood. For me, it's better to have never been but I'd also prefer childhood over adulthood

I relate way too much aside from perhaps the physical pain part. I mean, I do get headaches everyday due to the mental pain caused by me being alive but I'm not if that's even significant enough to count as physical pain even though the headaches hurt like hell for me. Also, I'm surprised that I'm still alive too. I'm always perpetually stressed and I find it difficult to cope in this world. I think that I have to die soon by simply not being fit to survive in this world but, then again, I've seen some people here claim that they thought the same about their own lives yet they're shocked at still being alive. Maybe I'd be the same as well but I hope I don't. Either way, I hope you find peace soon

I'm sorry for how people have treated you. There's nothing wrong with being gay. People are just assholes

I understand life being evil but why this world? I thought that life alone was the sole cause of our issues. It's because we exist with consciousness that we have limitless potential to suffer and are forced to be under the whims of chance. This world without any sentient life would be okay, peaceful even. It's because if existence why people here suffer. Whenever I look at the night sky, I start to think about how peaceful space is. There's no suffering in space... no hunger, no thrist, no homelessness, no oppression, no rape, no wars and so on

I definitely have anhedonia and I think I have been for a long time. I don't know what caused it. Do you know how to get rid of anhedonia?

I relate. I'm sorry for your suffering and I hope you find peace soon

I guess my childhood wasn't actually as good as I thought it was. I guess it was actually pretty awful. I have a tendency to look at the past through rose-tinted glasses though. There were awful moments, but there were also some fleeting good moments. Anyways, the (reality of) adulthood makes me prefer childhood. I wish I could be a kid forever. Adulthood is so sad and depressing; it's so much work and responsibility as well. I never even wanted them in the first place.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I relate. I'm sorry for your suffering and I hope you find peace soon

thank you so much and I'm sorry you feel the same. I hope you can find some sort of peace too