Venting Is there anybody else here who mourns over how awful their childhood has been?

[ijustwishtodie]

Perhaps the word "mourn" is a bit of an exaggeration but is there anybody here who feels miserable or frustrated over how their childhood has been? Does anybody else here wish they had a better childhood?

In my case, my childhood was absolutely awful because of my autism. My autism back then was severe which made me be unable to make any acquaintances or friends as well as making me a prime target for bullies to prey on. I didn't really do much during my childhood that I can say I've enjoyed... most of it was just pure misery. However, despite that, adulthood is far, far worse than childhood for me and it always will be.

To give an analogy, lets use a number scale. On the number scale, I'd rate my childhood a -1000. For my adulthood, I'd rate it something like -161161716.

A good childhood is basically like utopia. There's no responsibilities or pressure or any obligations to do things. Of course I didn't have any responsibilities or obligations to do (aside from academics in school which I breezed through easily anyway) but my childhood was ruined because of my autism. Now that I'm an adult, I stopped caring about my lack of friendships and how people treat me but back then, I cared about those things.

Is there anybody else here who relates to having an awful childhood and wanting better?

 

[iloverachel]

I am so sorry you had an awful child hood.
I definitely agree adulthood is much much worse
My child hood was not the worse, I was kind of unaware of how bad life was and wasn't depressed or suicidal. As I grew older I realized more clear how meaningless life was

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I am so sorry you had an awful child hood.
I definitely agree adulthood is much much worse
My child hood was not the worse, I was kind of unaware of how bad life was and wasn't depressed or suicidal. As I grew older I realized more clear how meaningless life was

I just wish that I had a good childhood so that at least a fraction of my life was good. Sadly I couldn't be unaware of how bad life was during childhood and I knew the truth early on which really hurt me. The first 18 years of my life could have been utopia but it wasn't. Now it's too late and nothing can be done because adulthood is simply too awful. Even despite my decade of getting bullied during childhood, I still think that adulthood is worse

 

[crystal_meth97]

I'm sorry about your childhood, I empathize with you because I'm also on the spectrum, high functioning, and have other mental health issues. Looking at my childhood from the outside, one would say it was okay or at least neutral in terms of suffering, but I was emotionally neglected and felt abandoned. It really fucked me up, it fucked up how I perceive the world and other people, it fucked up how I process my emotions. I have a disorganized attachment style because of it. It's frustrating because while my parents did everything they could so that I could have anything I needed and wanted in terms of material things, they were absent and my emotional needs were completely overlooked. Now I lack a sense of identity, I have BPD, and my childhood is a major contributing factor to my disorder. I have a love-hate relationship with my parents now and my paternal grandmother, who raised me in paranoia and an anxiety-inducing environment, is completely out of my life. I can't say I mourn my childhood, but I don't really like thinking about it. I talk about it enough in therapy anyway.

 

[rozeske]

I avoid thinking about it as much as possible, because when I do I am filled with so much anger and so much resentment it pains me so much, I start crying and can't stop easily. It just ruins my day. I believe it played a major role in my suicidality too. I avoid looking at old pictures of my childhood like the plague, but no way for me to erase the memory of it from my head. I'm so sorry you had to go through it too

 

[lostforever77]

Perhaps the word "mourn" is a bit of an exaggeration but is there anybody here who feels miserable or frustrated over how their childhood has been? Does anybody else here wish they had a better childhood?

In my case, my childhood was absolutely awful because of my autism. My autism back then was severe which made me be unable to make any acquaintances or friends as well as making me a prime target for bullies to prey on. I didn't really do much during my childhood that I can say I've enjoyed... most of it was just pure misery. However, despite that, adulthood is far, far worse than childhood for me and it always will be.

To give an analogy, lets use a number scale. On the number scale, I'd rate my childhood a -1000. For my adulthood, I'd rate it something like -161161716.

A good childhood is basically like utopia. There's no responsibilities or pressure or any obligations to do things. Of course I didn't have any responsibilities or obligations to do (aside from academics in school which I breezed through easily anywsy) but my childhood was ruined because of my autism. Now that I'm an adult, I stopped caring about my lack of friendships and how people treat me but back then, I cared about those things.

Is there anybody else here who relates to having an awful childhood and wanting better?

I can very much relate to your post. I am autistic as well. Like so many during the time frame I was born, it was not diagnosed. But I acted up a lot which resulted in a lot of beatings and being told I was a bad kid. And I really could not make friends. Then my adoptive mother died, never had a farther. Sucked really bad in school for a long time, so many problems learning. Then puberty was especially hard on me. Yea, I mourn a childhood I wish that I could have had. I know people who grew up in loving, caring families and had great friends, and I am so envious of them.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I avoid thinking about it as much as possible, because when I do I am filled with so much anger and so much resentment it pains me so much, I start crying and can't stop easily. It just ruins my day. I believe it played a major role in my suicidality too. I avoid looking at old pictures of my childhood like the plague, but no way for me to erase the memory of it from my head. I'm so sorry you had to go through it too

Now that I think about it, I didn't take any pictures of myself during childhood. The only pictures of my childhood that exists are pictures that my parents took of me and, honestly, seeing them just makes me feel apathetic

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Not so much childhood as my adulthood.

 

[rozeske]

Now that I think about it, I didn't take any pictures of myself during childhood. The only pictures of my childhood that exists are pictures that my parents took of me and, honestly, seeing them just makes me feel apathetic

I didn't take any pictures of myself too mainly because I was born in the no smartphones yet era. They are all pictures others took of me and they are all reminders of the worest moments of my life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Definitely. My childhood was worse than my adulthood. I have mixed feelings really but it's either mourning it because parts of it were actually happy and the people that made it happy are now dead and I still miss them. Or, it's a resentment at how awful it was.

I'm pretty certain I grew up with a narcissist. I spent so much of the time being afraid of what they were going to do next. It's pretty humiliating to admit you are scared of a person but I was and probably still am. I'd rather do pretty much anything than have to see them again.

But yeah, I feel resentment. I wonder how I would have turned out without all that shit. I wonder what would have happened if my Mum hadn't died when I was 3. I wonder just how much my parents knew or suspected was going on and just let happen because it was easier. It pisses me off that they expect or expected me to stand up to this person as a child when they wouldn't do the same as adults. I expect they knew they were a narcissist yet, they just went along with all their lies.

I guess it doesn't surprise me how many people here first started having suicidal thoughts in childhood. I think a lot of suicides are actually slow burn decissions rather than impulsive acts and our childhoods set us up for life. When we have traumatic childhoods, we just don't have stable foundations to cope with the rest of life on. I just think it's so tragic really because we're born as innocents into this world. It's cruel to birth a child here and subject it to a whole lot of suffering and expect it to come through unscathed. I think it's tragic but it makes me angry as well.

My story is tame in comparison to some of the horrors people here have endured and yeah- it makes me furious... and antinatilist.

 

[5xJinx]

A ruined childhood is the gift that just keeps on giving,the nightmares,the mental issues,that's where everything starts

You can run a million simulations in your head of "Maybe if things had gone differently" but it's still there

Even with all of the memories supressed deeply it still shapes your behavior and how you look at things

 

[sapped]

A ruined childhood is the gift that just keeps on giving,the nightmares,the mental issues,that's where everything starts

You can run a million simulations in your head of "Maybe if things had gone differently" but it's still there

Even with all of the memories supressed deeply it still shapes your behavior and how you look at things

It feels completely inescapable and insurmountable. I try not to think about it but it seeps in little moments throughout each day. I hope it fades.

 

[Dusk till dawn]

Yes i do, i had a good childhood with the best friends i could've asked for, even been friends with my crush, until my page decided to fuck me and move on, the loss of my childhood friends was the thing that made life awful and undesirable to me.

 

[lastexit717@proton.]

I feel you, im sorry yours was awful
I mourn how good it was and how i wasted it.

 

[dragonofenvy]

It's not even the thought of having it good then losing it, it's the thought that I never lived a life because I never had a childhood, and am currently not having an adulthood either. I miss how I thought I had so many opportunities and I would make myself better if only I could make it to adulthood even though things were so bad from an early age. I always had that hope... that stupid childish hope kept me going.