Is there any one thing/person that makes you unsure about ctb?

[Rocky M]

Sorry to hear that you're in this position Rocky.

It's alright, everything that happened between this person and I was my fault. I hate how I always hurt the people I love the most.

I hope you yourself find some closure before you go. It's never pleasant to have unresolved thoughts/feelings at a time like this

 

[worldexploder]

No because to me, non existance is the greatest gift. I'm just worried about suffering on my way out.

 

[littlelungs]

I wouldn't say it makes me unsure, but I have a few... hurdles, I guess? that make it a little more difficult than others to go through with ctb:

• My dog. I can't ctb with my dog around, which means I can't be at home when I die. Even when I was testing things out with partial suspension, I couldn't handle the sound of my dog's collar jingling. Too painful.
• My mom. I feel like she is going to take it the worst by far. I honestly can't even think about it. Fuck. I'm knitting her a blanket so that she'll have something that I made especially for her... maybe so that she can feel like I'm hugging her when she uses it? I don't know.
• My younger half-siblings; my half-brother in particular. We're just so much alike in the fact that we struggle with ourselves so badly. I look at him and I feel like I'm looking at myself when I was 14.

 

[TiredHorse]

Littlelungs, you're all right.

What is it about critters? I put it off for a long time because of my horse. I couldn't bear leaving him without someone to care for him properly. He was my brother. And then I had to help him ctb. A gentle dose of N, for him; for the first time in his life he didn't fight the sedation, and I knew I had heard him correctly and it was the right time.

 

[sadak_the_wanderer]

I worry about my mother. That's my only hangup.

 

[your pathologist]

As per the title. Do you have any hobbies or do you do any activities that for a period of time, however brief, that you forget you want to ctb? Maybe it's a person that you love and spend time with and they give you hope.

For me it's hiking. When I get out in nature for the day, the sights, the sounds, the smells, I take it all in and enjoy every moment. Of course it doesn't last, you have to return to reality sooner or later, but for that time that I am out there, I forget about everything.

The other thing that can make it all disappear for a while is spending time with the woman I love. Unfortunately I've been friend zoned (ouch), when I spend time with her though I am on such a high. The problem with this though, there is a massive crash for me afterwards.

This unfortunately is relationship that I need to put an end to. It will never get to where I want it to be, I know that. She has been the most supportive person though, she always contacts me at just the right time to give me a bit of a lift to get through to the next day. That crash though, it negates the highs and will lead to an impulsive and potentially unsuccessful attempt to ctb (that's why I drive around with a disabled airbag), instead of a planned journey where I go out with complete control over my journey.

This reminded me of my inability to go around my ex fiance of 6 years... we broke up in april. For months everytime I went around him there was this intense romantic attraction but we were really done at that point so every meeting was bittersweet... even if we kissed.
Especially if we kissed....

Right now I spend a LOT of time here (SS). Pretty much most of my waking hours. I cant work or go to school and I've had to move back in with my parents to be able to "cope" "heal" wtf I'm doing. All the way across the country I cant see any of my friends even if I wanted to and have no vehicle, or social outlets to be able to make new ones. Plus I'm dating someone from back up north so perhaps I'll go back to the reason I came here in the first place.
I eat alot
I smoke and drink.
I pretty much just exist and keep myself awake for certain amount of hours so my insomnia isnt as terrible.
I miss 8 hrs of sleep.
Usually get 2-4 some nights the latter if I'm drunk and that's not quality sleep anyway..

I have a hard time using social media cus I'm reminded of all the things I messed up.
I'm blocking out so much and it's just one big blurr

There is only one day... and it's this one...
(Time is an illusion)

Edit:spelling

 

[your pathologist]

It was a couple months ago when I realised they weren't keeping me alive anymore though. They just kinda make me feel guilty.

This... is so well said

 

[OnlyMercy]

There is nothing in particular that's instilled doubt over my decision to depart this world.

I've long debated the necessity of my suicide with all close family members and explained that they should mentally prepare for my death as my current state of suffering is not sustainable.

I have spent the entire year getting my affairs in order so my death and the events that follow thereafter are as swift as possible. I strongly feel my suicide qualifies as a "responsible" death, if there ever was such a thing.

 

[Final Escape]

Not much anymore, I'm in that zone where I don't think I can continue and can't hold on anymore. I wish I could feel excited and happy to be trying to exit. That's what I'm goin to be working on is to get past seeing it as pathetic, sad, like I'm giving up.

 

[jake]

the only thing that gives me even a moment's hesitation about my suicide is how it might affect my children. i need them to understand that this is the right thing for me, and that it is calculated to make it better for them -- to give them the best chance to have happy and successful lives. i worry, though, that they don't value their lives nearly as much as i do, and i do not ever want them to think that this course can be an option for them. they are good and smart and worthwhile people, unlike me, and they can do good things with their lives. i don't want them to think for even a second that, because i did this, they might do it too ... i worry about the statistics that suggest that children of parents who commit suicide are more likely to do the same.

 

[Final Escape]

the only thing that gives me even a moment's hesitation about my suicide is how it might affect my children. i need them to understand that this is the right thing for me, and that it is calculated to make it better for them -- to give them the best chance to have happy and successful lives. i worry, though, that they don't value their lives nearly as much as i do, and i do not ever want them to think that this course can be an option for them. they are good and smart and worthwhile people, unlike me, and they can do good things with their lives. i don't want them to think for even a second that, because i did this, they might do it too ... i worry about the statistics that suggest that children of parents who commit suicide are more likely to do the same.

I wonder if my kids were here if I would be more likely to keep going. Abortions probably took away some of that motivation. I'm sorry you are in this position.

 

[your pathologist]

the only thing that gives me even a moment's hesitation about my suicide is how it might affect my children. i need them to understand that this is the right thing for me, and that it is calculated to make it better for them -- to give them the best chance to have happy and successful lives. i worry, though, that they don't value their lives nearly as much as i do, and i do not ever want them to think that this course can be an option for them. they are good and smart and worthwhile people, unlike me, and they can do good things with their lives. i don't want them to think for even a second that, because i did this, they might do it too ... i worry about the statistics that suggest that children of parents who commit suicide are more likely to do the same.

Of course everyone wants everyone else to continue if they love them.
I hope your children dont find their way down that path either.
My complete sympathy

 

[TheLastTrip]

The only concern I have niggling at me is about it working, but the big N should do me right once I get it.

 

[zzz919]

I could give a thousand reasons why I have not attempted yet ...... However ...... The truth is that is comes down to Fear.
---------*^*---------*^*---------
My family turned their back on me a long time ago ...... I am alone ...... I am unwanted ...... And soon I will be broke ......There is Nothing in this world that makes me want to stay ...... My mind does not work well enough anymore for me to accomplish anything useful.
---------*^*---------*^*---------
I live in the United States ...... The only method that the United States has for measuring the worth of an individual ...... Is how much money you have ...... If you have no money ...... Then you have no value ...... US Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) would love for me and all the other poor people in his state to commit suicide ...... The Texas legislature is actively waging a ruthless war on the poor and the mentally ill ...... They want us gone ...... And tomorrow ...... That son of a bitch is going to be elected for yet another term ...... So he can destroy even more lives.
---------*^*---------*^*---------
Nobody in Goddamn Texas will hire me to do a job that pays enough to live on ...... Texas enjoys watching the poor and the mentally ill Suffer ...... Truth.
---------*^*---------*^*---------
I hate this Goddamn state ...... I hate being alive ...... I suffer because I am a coward ...... I suffer because I am afraid to commit suicide ...... Everyone on the planet Earth would be better off if I was dead ...... I am still here because of Fear.

 

[zzz919]

 

[LegaliseIt!]

As per the title. Do you have any hobbies or do you do any activities that for a period of time, however brief, that you forget you want to ctb? Maybe it's a person that you love and spend time with and they give you hope.

For me it's hiking. When I get out in nature for the day, the sights, the sounds, the smells, I take it all in and enjoy every moment. Of course it doesn't last, you have to return to reality sooner or later, but for that time that I am out there, I forget about everything.

The other thing that can make it all disappear for a while is spending time with the woman I love. Unfortunately I've been friend zoned (ouch), when I spend time with her though I am on such a high. The problem with this though, there is a massive crash for me afterwards.

This unfortunately is relationship that I need to put an end to. It will never get to where I want it to be, I know that. She has been the most supportive person though, she always contacts me at just the right time to give me a bit of a lift to get through to the next day. That crash though, it negates the highs and will lead to an impulsive and potentially unsuccessful attempt to ctb (that's why I drive around with a disabled airbag), instead of a planned journey where I go out with complete control over my journey.

I can't ctb for a few months, and I definitely have hobbies and distractions that are helping me get through. I am in an older demographic, and so I won't list them because (fascinating af, I am sure!)