I'm trans MTF and I'm pretty sure it's the primary driver for my depression and suicidality. I'm 29 and started hormones at 24. I pass, both in my appearance and voice (being half Korean probably helped a lot). Hell, I'm even somewhat attractive. I should be grateful for what I have; a lot of trans girls would kill to have what I have.
I was raised and abused by very, very religious parents. My father is actually a pastor. I've internalized a ton of homo and transphobia and I hate that, too.
But all I can ever think about is what my body would have been if I started hormones sooner. The years of my life I lost, especially college. I'm primarily attracted to men, but I've never been hit on or had someone flirt with me. I never go out except for work so that's part of it, but still.
I think I'm bi, but I also think I couldn't possibly actually have sex with a woman (at least, without crying the whole time after being horribly triggered by being horribly reminded of what a real woman looks like). My gender dysphoria is crippling, but especially my genital dysphoria. Anal is amazing, but I absolutely know that if I had a real and functional vagina (surgery leaves a ton to be desired), I would never ever ever ever do anal. Because of hormones and being triggered by porn, I didn't have an erection for years and my penis has atrophied significantly (easily half or even a third of the size it used to be). For a long time, I liked that. It means I don't have to worry about it being visible unless I wear very tight pants (such as yoga pants), but it's not good for sex (another reason why I would be uncomfortable having sex with a woman) and it has huge negative complications for surgery.
I hate my body. I hate how I have no curves. I hate how I have no hips and I feel directly responsible for that. I would have had something if I had just started hormones a little sooner and I easily could have, either when I started working or when I started college. I got a boob job and that helped my appearance and my confidence in my appearance a lot. The result was actually really, really good visually. They look awesome, especially given how broad my shoulders are. They really, really help with not seeing a man in the mirror when I'm topless or naked. But I lost all erogenous sensation in my breasts and nipples. I never had that until I started hormones and they didn't just feel great, but it really made me feel like a woman. The surgery cost $4000 USD. If I had just done an intermediate size first, I wouldn't have lost the sensation and I would gladly pay really any sum of money to have that back. I feel guilty and grieve for this constantly.
I've 6'0" (183 cm) and I hate it. I hate being taller than most men. I don't wear heels because it makes me feel even taller and because I don't know how to walk in them without twisting an ankle.
Wow, that was quite the rant, but that's most of my sob story and most of why I want to CTB. Thanks for reading if you did.
