is therapy even worth it anymore

[orpheus_]

It's the meaninglessness of existence that overwhelms me. I know it's normal, that nothing matters, and people usually deal with it if their lives are generally decent. I go to therapy even though I kind of feel it's pointless, I just do it because it helped a bit in the past and my friend insists on it as she thinks it that I "need it".
But.. I feel like I have no actual problems "left to fix". I never had much in general. I just come there... and I have nothing to say, and I feel like we're making up problems just to solve them. I spent most sessions realizing how I have no real problems, I just go into long rants about how meaningless everything is while the therapist's trying to find *some* potential things in my life that "I could change for the better". Nope, sorry, even a perfect life (which I already have, but let's assume it got even better) would not make me okay with living. "Well but we can find ways for you to suffer a bit less"... Well I don't even suffer. My life is perfectly good. I don't even have depression anymore. I'm not anxious about things, "whatever happens is fine". No health problems, mental or physical. Good financial situation. Well I did have some unpleasant experiences in life and tried to talk about it, but... These are just normal memories for me, not "trauma" or something. Shit things happened, but they are in the past now and they were nobody's fault. I got over it already. I don't think pulling them apart will do anything, really - it's making up fake problems. Maybe I could change therapists, but it would probably not make a difference. At least I can talk to the current one about suicidality quite freely and she does seem to "get" some of my problems that others don't. Seeing a therapist did help me it some way, honestly - but I think like there's nothing left to "fix".

I am functioning normally since getting medication. Things don't feel physically as heavy and I have actual energy to do something. Sometimes I even feel pleasure/hapiness. I guess. Yet even in the "happy" moments I always think how that's bullshit anyway, and that "feeling good" is just a chemical reaction in my brain. It's not that "I spiral into negative thoughts" or something, it's just... Well this is that "hapiness" it's all about? Disappointing. It's like I feel it but I don't really care. Like when you feel pain but you just ignore it because it doesn't matter to you, just the other way around.

Yes I did try to "change my mindset". But it's all empty lies. I simply cannot lie to myself just to feel better. The only thing that's really giving me any motivation is helping other people, because at least I can be useful in some way. If I don't want my own life, at least I can devote a part of it for someone who needs help. Still I feel like it's also an empty, meaningless lie.

I cannot ctb because I have a person who depends on my help in many areas of life (they are heavily disabled and have nobody else). Long story. I know they are also suicidal so even if my death would drive them to ctbing themselves, I just don't want to hurt them this way, especially since recently some things started looking better for them.

I also have another friend who struggles in life a lot due to college and complicated family situation, I know she wants to live, she has dreams and I really hope she can fulfill them, and I honestly know that if I disappeared it would break her. Even if she didn't know I'm dead, she would loose a huge part of her support. I also don't want to hurt my parents who I believe to be genuinely good people that don't deserve to loose a child (even if that child is a useless social parasite who keeps letting them down) and I know it would be extremely hard for them.

In the end... It's also survival instinct that keeps me here. I know, I know, "well that must mean that you want to live". Yes, a part of me wants to, but that part is not enough. I'm torn between options in every decision I make. I just want to stop being conscious, I wish my body would keep doing all my duties while my consciousness disappears. I do have this ironic fear of missing out. Something in me wants to experience life, hoping that one day it will be worth it, but it never happens. Everything is just disappointing and deeply unsatisfying.

 

[Sleepwalkuntilsane]

Oh man, it's like you're inside my head with this. I feel the exact same way, therapy hasn't been all I wished it could be and the only things that have stopped my CTB is the fear of death and fear that I might hurt the people who care about me. I have been medicated as well but medication (at least for me and I know for a lot of other people) isn't a magic fix, there is no 'cure' for depression, but there are ways to manage it. I used to want to go to sleep and never wake up, to make the suffering of the waking world end, but that isn't a way to live. The way I think about it is you can't fundamentally change your mindset, but you can structure it. I look at all my mental illnesses as just that: illnesses. They are not an intrinsic part of who I am, they are a condition that I suffer from. I recognize my desire for death and treat it just so: as a simple desire. It is not something that is fated to happen but simply another component of myself that I can fight against. I know that the slog of life is hard, but things do change. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago, and it sounds like therapy has helped in some small regard to you as well. I myself am still struggling, still hurting and backsliding and everything. But I want to become better, to change for both myself and my friends and family.