Discussion Is suicide a trait that we will carry forever?

[garcelle]

I thought that all was well with me and that I finally healed myself from suicide/suicidal thoughts, but as time goes on I'm starting to think this is a forever thing. Last year I developed PTSD from witnessing my niece's seizures, and was barely functioning as a human. Was nauseous all the time, frightened by sudden noises, frightened by repeated noises, nightmares every night, suicidal, and I couldn't even be in the same room as her without being violently anxious. I went to get medical help and was prescribed mirtazapine (WOOHOO) and it virtually got rid of all my anxiety/PTSD symptoms. At that time I was feeling great, but then my school got shot up... WTF, so I was depressed and suicidal again. I try talk therapy but I just cant be honest enough so I journal my thoughts instead. All seems to be going well since I started journaling and it seems like I'm healthily channeling my depressive episodes + taking medication, but now I am at another roadblock where one of my engineering classes is making me violently suicidal and all I can think about is how badly I want to kill myself. It seems like when something goes awry in my life, my first thought is suicide. I obsess about it, writing about it in my journal helps me feel at ease. I'm just wondering if in my recovery should I be trying to abstain from these thoughts or welcome them. For the past few years I've just been trying to abstain, but I think suicide is apart of me now. I exercise, journal, and take meds to cope, and the thoughts are still there; what the hell else can I do to get rid of them? Does anyone else feel the same? How are people not thinking of suicide when something shitty happens??? Any engineering students also suicidal? Are we going to be in a constant state of recovery for the rest of our lives?

 

[ConstantPain]

I wish I had something more positive to say and hope that there may be others on this site that have successfully recovered and are no longer suicidal.
Unfortunately, I am 48 years old and wanting to die has always been my first thought anytime something big goes wrong. Some years are better than others but for me, wanting to end my life has always been in the background. I have tried a lot of medications and am apparently treatment resistant because nothing has ever helped. I've also gone to several therapists and with a psychiatrist for many years. He put me on Seroquel and I hated it. No benefits, only bad side effects.
Two inpatient stays and not a bit of it helped. When I think about my best times in life it was when I rescued two tiny kittens. Caring for them was awesome and gave me a reason to live. Otherwise, time with family has been good but I live a long ways from any of them now.
I guess my feedback would be that casual time with your family (not necessarily people you're related to) but friends and anyone you love can be a good thing. Otherwise, caring for something/someone other than yourself that needs you can be great. That's my only time in life that I don't think suicide was lingering in my mind.

Sorry for the long-winded rant and I want you to know that I truly feel for you and hope that there's a treatment and/or circumstances that can lift you out of the suicidal response. I believe it's possible.

 

[garcelle]

I wish I had something more positive to say and hope that there may be others on this site that have successfully recovered and are no longer suicidal.
Unfortunately, I am 48 years old and wanting to die has always been my first thought anytime something big goes wrong. Some years are better than others but for me, wanting to end my life has always been in the background. I have tried a lot of medications and am apparently treatment resistant because nothing has ever helped. I've also gone to several therapists and with a psychiatrist for many years. He put me on Seroquel and I hated it. No benefits, only bad side effects.
Two inpatient stays and not a bit of it helped. When I think about my best times in life it was when I rescued two tiny kittens. Caring for them was awesome and gave me a reason to live. Otherwise, time with family has been good but I live a long ways from any of them now.
I guess my feedback would be that casual time with your family (not necessarily people you're related to) but friends and anyone you love can be a good thing. Otherwise, caring for something/someone other than yourself that needs you can be great. That's my only time in life that I don't think suicide was lingering in my mind.

Sorry for the long-winded rant and I want you to know that I truly feel for you and hope that there's a treatment and/or circumstances that can lift you out of the suicidal response. I believe it's possible.

thanks for the response. I think I'll try and find solace in the feeling instead of trying to reject it. Seems like some of us are just wired this way. I have two beautiful kitties that I am currently taking care of, and I agree, they really do help keep me alive during these episodes. Maybe I'll start taking them on walks in the park or something to ground myself

 

[soulchaser_]

hey I also journal! I don't know for how long you do so, but I've been journaling for years now.
I oftentimes think that I'm getting more and more depressed/suicidal no matter how long time has passed. That it's always the same.
But rereading old chapters of my life and revisiting old feelings and thoughts from my journal usually makes me go 'wow, I used to feel way worse then than I do now'.
Maybe I have a tendency to be pessimistic about recovery and if I am doing better or not. But journaling made me realise that sometimes it does get better, sometimes I feel better, funnily enough. well, I'm trying to look at the positives here after all.
but yeah, still waiting for the day on which I'll say that I am truly feeling content.

 

[garcelle]

hey I also journal! I don't know for how long you do so, but I've been journaling for years now.
I oftentimes think that I'm getting more and more depressed/suicidal no matter how long time has passed. That it's always the same.
But rereading old chapters of my life and revisiting old feelings and thoughts from my journal usually makes me go 'wow, I used to feel way worse then than I do now'.
Maybe I have a tendency to be pessimistic about recovery and if I am doing better or not. But journaling made me realise that sometimes it does get better, sometimes I feel better, funnily enough. well, I'm trying to look at the positives here after all.
but yeah, still waiting for the day on which I'll say that I am truly feeling content.

I would say I've been journaling on and off for around 6 years now, but only recently I invested in a nice real leather journal. All my other journals were the cheap 80 cent ones from walmart that I threw away when I thought I was fully healed lol. i should've kept those huh? What type of journal do u use these days?

 

[mushi]

i'm 25 and been suicidal for 8 years. I think it's more common than people admit. i think people lie to themselves because it's hard to accept. i think we hear the stories that are popular, not necessarily true. so maybe 1 in 10 people recover from being suicidal. but that 1 person's story is a nice story, so it will become popular and be seen by more people, whereas the 9 people's story will stay quiet because it's uncomfortable to face. it's interesting to see the different ways people dress it up, seperating suicidal ideation from being actively suicidal, asking if someone has a plan etc. calling things "self destructive behaviors". our world is very systematically unfair in a way we're taught to block out. humans have killed each other, raped each other, genocide, mutlation, all sorts of terrible things happen across the world all the time. we need to eat other living things to sustain ourselves. the world is not a very kind or warm place. but that's hard for people to face so they find ways to look away from it and hate people who remind them of it. I think there's a before and an after of being suicidal and once you've seen the truth you can't unsee it. but you're here and posting and alive so you've made the decision to stay alive at least for another day. I stay here because there isn't anywhere else to go, as much as I hate planet Earth being dead-dead sounds boring since I wouldn't even be able to talk to myself.

i think the worst part of modern society is how fake it is and how there's no authenticity. i understand this is how people are coping, but it's incredibly lonely. even if all we'd do is be sad and depressed together, I want someone who I can be real with, who can be real with me

 

[soulchaser_]

I would say I've been journaling on and off for around 6 years now, but only recently I invested in a nice real leather journal. All my other journals were the cheap 80 cent ones from walmart that I threw away when I thought I was fully healed lol. i should've kept those huh? What type of journal do u use these days?

I would've kept everything, just for the memories. I used to journal at first on word documents, but I use this Paperblanks journal now. the one I have is azure equinoxe and it also has a single clasp, as if to close the journal (it's just a magnet). the journal was pretty pricey I feel? but it smells so good and looks so cool. and has these patterns on the pages after you close it. what do you use??

 

[garcelle]

I would've kept everything, just for the memories. I used to journal at first on word documents, but I use this Paperblanks journal now. the one I have is azure equinoxe and it also has a single clasp, as if to close the journal (it's just a magnet). the journal was pretty pricey I feel? but it smells so good and looks so cool. and has these patterns on the pages after you close it. what do you use??

i dont know if you have ever played red dead redemption 2, but one of the characters named arthur morgan has this brown leather journal, which is basically what mine looks like. Its an A5 and has a dragon engraved in it

 

[Dark Moon]

Well if things go wrong for me suicidal thoughts definitely come up but for me at least it will stay in my mind until I die and I don't think I will recover.

 

[Crematoryy]

For me, suicide is not only an inalienable right to self-determination and individual freedom. But a necessity, a natural consequence in the face of an irremediably flawed world.

 

[soulchaser_]

i dont know if you have ever played red dead redemption 2, but one of the characters named arthur morgan has this brown leather journal, which is basically what mine looks like. Its an A5 and has a dragon engraved in it

that's so cool!! do you like rdr2? I have never played it before, maybe I should lol

 

[just a bird]

Maybe what I call "recovery" is partially learning to live with my suicidality.

 

[ConstantPain]

thanks for the response. I think I'll try and find solace in the feeling instead of trying to reject it. Seems like some of us are just wired this way. I have two beautiful kitties that I am currently taking care of, and I agree, they really do help keep me alive during these episodes. Maybe I'll start taking them on walks in the park or something to ground myself

I'm so glad you have kitties to take care of! I really hope you enjoy them. There have been many times that my cats have probably saved my life. Usually it's worrying about them that keeps me from doing anything drastic. I have no faith that my alcoholic husband would adequately take care of them. 4 out of 5 could go to other homes as long as the 2 siblings raised from babies stay together. The one I worry about grew up feral and through feeding and talking to him outside for many months, he is now the sweetest boy but only with me. He's still scared and avoidant of everyone else. I love him so much and for probably a year, he got me outside every day. I was definitely healthier that way.

 

[garcelle]

that's so cool!! do you like rdr2? I have never played it before, maybe I should lol

i love red dead. you should definitely play it, its the only game series that made me cry lmao. i prefer RDR1, i actually just 100% completed it and am 98% done with rdr2. RDR1's story stuck with me more so i would say start there but it is a bit dated compared to todays gaming standards

 

[soulchaser_]

i love red dead. you should definitely play it, its the only game series that made me cry lmao. i prefer RDR1, i actually just 100% completed it and am 98% done with rdr2. RDR1's story stuck with me more so i would say start there but it is a bit dated compared to todays gaming standards

hehe, I'll remember it then! the only story game ive finished was life is strange 2. loved it though

 

[happy2die]

Any engineering students also suicidal? Are we going to be in a constant state of recovery for the rest of our lives?

unfortunately yes especially because of the ones who cheat or act like they're doing better in a class/work than they actually are

 

[camusfan_ig]

Youre not the only one. My personal experience is that I've been suicidal since I was about 10ish(?) years old, and have thought abt dying since I was abt 5. I've been pretty much thinking abt it every day since. There are periods of time were it's a bit better, but they don't last long (atleast in my experience) I don't understand how ppl don't consider suicide a first option either when something goes bad lol, but ig their brains just work differently

I definitely do feel like it's a trait, something that we're gonna have the carry for the rest of our lifes. Certain ppl just,, are more prone to suicidal thoughts unfortunately. I feel like the mental health industry also pushes this narrative where it's "something you have to fix! It's curable!", And trust me, I've TRIED to 'cure' it, but the more I pushed against it, the worse I felt. Idk, I think its cuz it puts you in a position where you're almost shaming yourself for having these thoughts, which in turn just,,, makes you feel worse. So ya that's my take on it

 

[12-hour Kitten]

Well, I personally think depression as a whole is something that stays with you for the rest of your life. You can never be fully depression-free. We can live pretty normal, happy and fulfilling lives, yes, but it'll still lurk in the back of our minds, unfortunately. Just waiting for a trigger.

We just have to learn to live with it, grow around it, be stronger than it. It'll never be perfect, but it can be better.

At least it's what I tell myself. Maybe someone out there did truly rid themselves of depression but I won't strive to be them, I'd rather be realistic.

 

[Flubber]

@garcelle - Your OP is really detailed and insightful. JMO but you appear intelligent, have a lot a self-awareness and you understand your triggers; all of these traits/abilities stand massively in your favour. Please read this:

Just saying..... Mirtazapine helped me a lot in the past (despite the ridiculous weight gain and subsequent chub-rub) but talking therapy helped a lot more than meds alone. I feel the combo of both had a significant positive impact.

From someone who has trodden a strikingly similar path to yours in terms of symptoms, therapy felt to be incredibly beneficial beyond the point of anything I thought was possible. The hardest part was being truly honest with myself and speaking about the worst parts of my life. Being open to discussing horrible stuff such as abuse - whether physically, mentally or sexually; or just your spilling deepest inner thoughts are the most difficult part. After I put my seemingly hardened male ego and stubbornness aside, stopped pretending that I'd never been controlled or abused, change happened rapidly and it was life-changing once I opened up my defensive exterior.

If you've got suicide in your "tool bag/tool box" it may likely always be there. I know SI will always be an issue as it feels like my ultimate safe space if everything goes tits-up (as confusing and ironic as that may sound!?!). Over time though, SI tends to slowly sink to the bottom of the box and can be almost forgotten about. I've had a really shit year so far but have started to pick up the tools that are useful rather than *dusty shit* collecting at the bottom . If I'd had your self-awareness at a young age like you, life may have been very different now. Please hold onto these thoughts.

 

[lamy's sacred sleep]

Any engineering students also suicidal?

hi

Are we going to be in a constant state of recovery for the rest of our lives?

it does seem that way
would be nice if recovery was a one and done kind of thing