Venting Is something wrong with me ?

[darkrai]

I don't know why but for 90% of the time I don't feel happy anymore regardless of what I do.
I feel horrible because I have no issues with family members etc, they even encourage me in life and I have a girlfriend who supports me. Despite this I constantly have thoughts like I want to ctb but this just makes me feel worse like I'm ungrateful. I cannot properly describe it but I don't want to leave the people in my life sad without me however I feel I serve no purpose and all there expectations won't be met and I'll let them down.
If I were to ctb should I leave a note, break up with my girlfriend and tell my manager at work or would it not even matter, I feel guilt about the thought of just leaving them too but at times I just want to get it all over but have little access to any forms of ctb.
Anyone feel the same way or have any advice?

 

[willitpass]

Not your doctor, so I can't diagnose, but this sounds like textbook depression. Most of us here have it.

 

[anhedonya]

Hi, what you are experiencing sounds like, as willitpass said, depression and the specific issue of not feeling happiness or pleasure would be labeled as anhedonia which is a very large symptom of depression. I'm sorry you're going through this. Having good things in life and people who are supportive of you does not stop depression from occurring, unfortunately it's something that can sneak up on you. You are not ungrateful, you are a person suffering and you deserve empathy and kindness for it.

I understand it's your life, so please know I'm not trying to force you one way or the other, but before you jump to CTB, have you tried talking to the people in your life about this? You say they love and care about you, so maybe they'd be open to helping you and hearing you out. You don't even have to say the full details the first time or anything, just a simple statement such as "I'm really struggling right now. I could use some help. Can I talk to you?" would be great. I wish you the best of luck, please consider the idea of reaching out. I know it's hard to know this when you're going through it, because I've been there and I am there, but depression is not a death sentence. It can be treated in a number of ways.

 

[darkrai]

Hi, what you are experiencing sounds like, as willitpass said, depression and the specific issue of not feeling happiness or pleasure would be labeled as anhedonia which is a very large symptom of depression. I'm sorry you're going through this. Having good things in life and people who are supportive of you does not stop depression from occurring, unfortunately it's something that can sneak up on you. You are not ungrateful, you are a person suffering and you deserve empathy and kindness for it.

I understand it's your life, so please know I'm not trying to force you one way or the other, but before you jump to CTB, have you tried talking to the people in your life about this? You say they love and care about you, so maybe they'd be open to helping you and hearing you out. You don't even have to say the full details the first time or anything, just a simple statement such as "I'm really struggling right now. I could use some help. Can I talk to you?" would be great. I wish you the best of luck, please consider the idea of reaching out. I know it's hard to know this when you're going through it, because I've been there and I am there, but depression is not a death sentence. It can be treated in a number of ways.

Thanks for the explanation from you and willitpass. I just feel like it would be rude/ a burden to talk to family members like that, because I'm the youngest of my siblings and my brothers never seemed to have any issues and I don't want to be attention seeking or worry my family as all of my brothers seemed to turn out perfectly fine and if I were to reach out I'm unsure how they would react because yes they are usually supportive of me I don't want to stress any of them or seem weird because I try to act as normal as I can in front of friends and family alike as I'm now an adult. I've talked friends through situations where they felt suicidal and although I didn't tell them it had an effect on me it's like prioritising someone over yourself which I understand is bad but it felt like I had to carry a small burden of their mental issues and life as I talked to them. I don't want to be like that to anyone else. Everything feels overwhelming and I can't keep up like I'm lazy I have no energy to study and I may fail my course and I don't want to scare my girlfriend as she's had similar issues in her life and this just feels like I'm being an attention seeker.

 

[Papa Shinai]

I feel the same way, I have an ok life but have been suicidal for the last 3~ years. Staying alive for my family, but do not know how far it will go. Also life kinda feels dull and meaningless.

 

[darkrai]

exactly it feels like you need repay your parents for raising you even though you have no motivation to do so

 

[anhedonya]

Thanks for the explanation from you and willitpass. I just feel like it would be rude/ a burden to talk to family members like that, because I'm the youngest of my siblings and my brothers never seemed to have any issues and I don't want to be attention seeking or worry my family as all of my brothers seemed to turn out perfectly fine and if I were to reach out I'm unsure how they would react because yes they are usually supportive of me I don't want to stress any of them or seem weird because I try to act as normal as I can in front of friends and family alike as I'm now an adult. I've talked friends through situations where they felt suicidal and although I didn't tell them it had an effect on me it's like prioritising someone over yourself which I understand is bad but it felt like I had to carry a small burden of their mental issues and life as I talked to them. I don't want to be like that to anyone else. Everything feels overwhelming and I can't keep up like I'm lazy I have no energy to study and I may fail my course and I don't want to scare my girlfriend as she's had similar issues in her life and this just feels like I'm being an attention seeker.

You did not choose to come into this world, so though I understand the need to repay your parents for their own suffering and the effort they put into you- you do not actually need to repay anyone at all for the simple act of being alive. And even if you did have to, asking for help doesn't negate "repayment" if that makes sense. I don't think you'd be rude or a burden, and even if someone out there does call you a burden for it, I honestly think we could all benefit from "burdening" each other a little more. Right now, someone might say that you are burdening those responding to you here- and they would be wrong. But even in a world where it was true, I want you to burden me. I would rather you came here and said I need help, over watching you silently drift away and try to tough it out.

You deserve a chance, and I don't think your parents would see you as burdens, neither would your girlfriend. It is entirely normal to seek attention as human beings. We're supposed to want love, attention, care- someone to be there and notice when we're down. This is natural behavior and you are not attention seeking for it, you are simply a person who needs a little bit of kindness given to them.

Sometimes you can't always carry someone else's weight, and that's okay. Sometimes you can carry more, sometimes less, and some days nothing at all for others. In the future, a nice way to phrase it would be something like "I love you and I'm here for you, but I can't handle hearing about this right now. I'm not in a great spot either. Do you want to spend some time together instead?" which is still helping them but does not compromise your mental health in the same form as listening to them talk about suicide would.

You are not a burden and you are not harming anyone's mental health, I promise. And I want you to burden me anyhow. It's better than seeing you dead. It's easier said than believed, I know, but you are not lazy or anything of the sort. You're just a person struggling and these are completely normal reactions to the struggle you're going through. Friends, family, and lovers can share the heavy weight of life- it doesn't always have to be on this person or that. Your girlfriend might feel a stronger bond to you, even, if she knew you were going through this, because it means that you understand what she went through on a very personal level. It might open up new dialogues for you both.

Best of luck <3

 

[darkrai]

You did not choose to come into this world, so though I understand the need to repay your parents for their own suffering and the effort they put into you- you do not actually need to repay anyone at all for the simple act of being alive. And even if you did have to, asking for help doesn't negate "repayment" if that makes sense. I don't think you'd be rude or a burden, and even if someone out there does call you a burden for it, I honestly think we could all benefit from "burdening" each other a little more. Right now, someone might say that you are burdening those responding to you here- and they would be wrong. But even in a world where it was true, I want you to burden me. I would rather you came here and said I need help, over watching you silently drift away and try to tough it out.

You deserve a chance, and I don't think your parents would see you as burdens, neither would your girlfriend. It is entirely normal to seek attention as human beings. We're supposed to want love, attention, care- someone to be there and notice when we're down. This is natural behavior and you are not attention seeking for it, you are simply a person who needs a little bit of kindness given to them.

Sometimes you can't always carry someone else's weight, and that's okay. Sometimes you can carry more, sometimes less, and some days nothing at all for others. In the future, a nice way to phrase it would be something like "I love you and I'm here for you, but I can't handle hearing about this right now. I'm not in a great spot either. Do you want to spend some time together instead?" which is still helping them but does not compromise your mental health in the same form as listening to them talk about suicide would.

You are not a burden and you are not harming anyone's mental health, I promise. And I want you to burden me anyhow. It's better than seeing you dead. It's easier said than believed, I know, but you are not lazy or anything of the sort. You're just a person struggling and these are completely normal reactions to the struggle you're going through. Friends, family, and lovers can share the heavy weight of life- it doesn't always have to be on this person or that. Your girlfriend might feel a stronger bond to you, even, if she knew you were going through this, because it means that you understand what she went through on a very personal level. It might open up new dialogues for you both.

Best of luck <3

Thank you so much for your time and help, at some point I'll muster the courage to speak to someone hopefully <3

 

[anhedonya]

I believe in you!! It's scary to ask for help but I know you can do it. You're always welcome to talk in the forum whenever you like, and if you ever want someone to talk to, you are welcome to message me once your account gets those perms :)

 

[darkrai]

I believe in you!! It's scary to ask for help but I know you can do it. You're always welcome to talk in the forum whenever you like, and if you ever want someone to talk to, you are welcome to message me once your account gets those perms :)

Thank you for your kind words, the forum truly is filled with kind people like you. It feels easier to talk behind a screen, compared to in real life where you start to sweat and turn red. It's been comfortable talking to you, I see my girlfriend on Tuesday, I'll see if I can speak to her about it hopefully. Once again thank you for all of your help it's night and I have delayed sleep long enough, have a nice night.

 

[anhedonya]

Thank you for your kind words, the forum truly is filled with kind people like you. It feels easier to talk behind a screen, compared to in real life where you start to sweat and turn red. It's been comfortable talking to you, I see my girlfriend on Tuesday, I'll see if I can speak to her about it hopefully. Once again thank you for all of your help it's night and I have delayed sleep long enough, have a nice night.

I definitely agree, it's easier to speak honestly when you don't have to worry about slipping over your words and suddenly just bursting into tears. I think something that might help you feel better about the physical response is that no matter who you tell it to, friend, family, or girlfriend- they've been there before. Crying until their face was red and the sniffling wasn't even working anymore. Clammy hands and being unable to stop stuttering as you try to explain something difficult. They've more than likely been there, and I doubt anyone will judge you for it.

You're going to crush it Tuesday! I'm glad I could help you out a bit, sleep well!

 

[darkrai]

I definitely agree, it's easier to speak honestly when you don't have to worry about slipping over your words and suddenly just bursting into tears. I think something that might help you feel better about the physical response is that no matter who you tell it to, friend, family, or girlfriend- they've been there before. Crying until their face was red and the sniffling wasn't even working anymore. Clammy hands and being unable to stop stuttering as you try to explain something difficult. They've more than likely been there, and I doubt anyone will judge you for it.

You're going to crush it Tuesday! I'm glad I could help you out a bit, sleep well!

I'm sorry I didn't tell her she just seemed so happy when we watched tv and played with her frogs I didn't want to spoil her mood and also it just felt like it would have been out of place to just say it to her. I did enjoy Tuesday but i just couldn't tell her. I have work tomorrow and I can't be bothered even though it's not even manually draining i just have no energy and then exams soon, it all feels overwhelming for no reason

 

[anhedonya]

It's okay! There's many other times you can talk to her, it's alright that you didn't feel ready :) Easing into it is better than flat out saying it, but texting it might be easier. Something along the lines of "Can I talk to you? I haven't been feeling well lately."

I'm sorry that there's so much going on. Is there anyway for you to ask for extensions on the exams?

 

[darkrai]

It's okay! There's many other times you can talk to her, it's alright that you didn't feel ready :) Easing into it is better than flat out saying it, but texting it might be easier. Something along the lines of "Can I talk to you? I haven't been feeling well lately."

I'm sorry that there's so much going on. Is there anyway for you to ask for extensions on the exams?

Sorry for not replying sooner but no, the exams can't be moved I just need to revise and hope I do well if I get motivation so I can get a better job. I feel a bit happier because work was nice and I made no mistakes so there are improvements at least, and on the subject of talking to her I don't think I should cause she needs to focus on her exams too and not me so maybe I'll wait until after it although I know I'm just delaying it, it's probably best for her because she'll start stressing. You think that's okay?
Also I'm sorry for replying late quite a lot and also doing quite late on a night time

 

[anhedonya]

No need to apologize! I'm glad work is going well and best of luck on your exams then! I think putting it off is only going to make it more difficult to reach out for help because each time it gets put off, another reason will occur to put it off even more. I know it's scary to ask for help but you can do scary things and your girlfriend would be much more upset at you ending up dead due to depression rather than you taking up a few hours of her time with a serious discussion. At the end of the day it's up to you, no one can force you to have the conversation, but I really do hope you talk to someone whether it be her or your family. You need help immediately- depression can be dangerous, especially with the way you were talking about feeling. Best of luck

 

[darkrai]

Thank you for the motivation my first exam is on the 13th I do believe I need to start revising I've been lazy, playing games or at work I don't leave space but I will start and for talking to her. I think after the exams the results of them will determine my mood for whatever reason, I know it sounds dramatic but they dictate what I can do after and if I do well hopefully it will improve my mood so I don't even need to talk to her because I've only felt this way a couple years or so I think I can fix myself eventually and not stress her.
Once again thanks for listening to me and talking to me and where I am in the uk it's late and based on your spelling you are American ?
Anyway have a nice evening if you are!