Is my reason for wanting to CTB foolish?

[TorturedSoul999]

I've made it pretty far in this life. I graduated college. I have a government job. However… I have no friends and the person I was in love with for 4 years is gone. They feel more like my ex wife than my ex girlfriend. They were there for me through everything and I supported them all the same.
Our breakup had nothing to do with immediate problems. We talked out all of those issues. I had a mental break down over mistrust starting in January. Lashed out at their parents for trying to set her up with another guy.

Anyways. She's dating another guy. Had a small window of opportunity between our final break up in April and late May when she got with him to fix things but I was blocked and believed that she was being pressured by parents not to talk to me. Had I known what I know now I would have understood that it was simply because of my behavior that was caused by my mental issues. I don't know what to do anymore. I was fighting an imaginary battle against non-existent people I believed were hurting her. In my mind I was fighting to protect the one I love but in reality I pushed them away forever.

What awaits me in this life because I isolated during my college years is work… many attempts at online dating… marriage if I'm lucky with a person…. And then a long life of feeling unfulfilled with my reality. I can't stand the idea of decades here without her.

I just want to go home to be with God, and if he allows me I'd want to start my life over. Regardless… living here is so painful for me. Yeah everyone says that there are other fish in the sea…. but I do really wonder if I'll be happy with someone else. I worry my pain isn't temporary but something that will always be there as the years go on. So I figure… why not end it now so not to prolong this extreme pain. My life had always been hard… but I always had a companion to rely on to some degree… especially so in these last 4 years. Now they are gone. The person I shared my whole life with. I'd do it all over again. But I wouldn't dare lose them next time.

Is my reason for wanting to leave bad? For those who have experienced similar tragic loss of a loved one due to mistakes, have you recovered? I mean I know a lot of people here want to leave the same as me but I assume others have better reasons. But I think mine is pretty decent. I lost my soulmate who loved and cared about me and every waking moment without them is extremely painful.

 

[Kikoo]

I also lost a loved one due to my own mistakes, and it's one of my biggest (if not the biggest one) reasons for ctb. It hurts like hell, I know. I honestly don't think I would ever fully recover if I somehow got the chance to stay alive.

 

[アホペンギン]

There is no invalid reason for wanting to ctb. Everyone can handle problems at different degrees, no one is the same.

 

[crystalblade21]

Whether it's bad or not, I think you have to be the judge of that.
according to your message, I assume believe in god. if so what do you think awaits after your departure here?

and I think you're just down in the dumps because of a couple of bad chain reactions. I'd suggest waiting for a bit to see if there is light at the end of the tunnel..
not to be optimistic here, but it could be a "NOVA EFFECT" in action.

 

[TorturedSoul999]

I also lost a loved one due to my own mistakes, and it's one of my biggest (if not the biggest one) reasons for ctb. It hurts like hell, I know. I honestly don't think I would ever fully recover if I somehow got the chance to stay alive.

It's nice to hear I'm not the only one who doubts their ability to recover after sabotaging something good.

 

[KAZ-2Y5]

It's not a stupid reason, everybody is different. I have many "stupid" reasons but they hurt me so badly that it's a good enough reason for me to ctb

 

[TorturedSoul999]

Whether it's bad or not, I think you have to be the judge of that.
according to your message, I assume believe in god. if so what do you think awaits after your departure here?

and I think you're just down in the dumps because of a couple of bad chain reactions. I'd suggest waiting for a bit to see if there is light at the end of the tunnel..
not to be optimistic here, but it could be a "NOVA EFFECT" in action.

I believe what awaits my departure is judgement. As a Christian I believe that once all people die they are judged. I've made many mistakes. But I believe in Jesus and feel that I am forgiven of my sins. Even taking my own life. God is a kind and understanding being who most likely doesn't see suicide much differently than cancer or a tragic accident aside from the fact that the death is brought on by one's own hands.

I also believe that there is a possibility I could reincarnate into this life and make better choices next time around.

 

[Gaga786]

I believe what awaits my departure is judgement. As a Christian I believe that once all people die they are judged. I've made many mistakes. But I believe in Jesus and feel that I am forgiven of my sins. Even taking my own life. God is a kind and understanding being who most likely doesn't see suicide much differently than cancer or a tragic accident aside from the fact that the death is brought on by one's own hands.

I also believe that there is a possibility I could reincarnate into this life and make better choices next time around.

I have a similar belief based off an islamic perspective, but I doubt that God will forgive me. That sort of scares me. It's a difficult and painful situation that you're describing. I wish you the best, and I hope that your suffering eases.

 

[FuneralCry]

None of us are obligated to continue existing here, there's no such thing as a "foolish" reason for ctb, suicide doesn't need to be justified in anyway as it's a human right, it's a personal decision deciding when to free ourselves from this existence we were burdened with, I mean after all we are all going to die anyway whether there's a reason behind it or not.

 

[sirenangelbby]

i relate to this, the main reason i want to end my life is because the man i was in love with left me because his parents told him to, and played mind games with me by claiming to still love me but still refusing to get back together with me and fight for me and has even recently told me to kill myself and that he will never want me again. he's been giving me the silent treatment for almost 4 months straight now with no closure and no apology and treats me as if i'm some kind of monster when he initially said i was his first love and that i've made him feel more loved that anyone ever had. he broke up with me a few weeks after giving me a promise ring and abandoned me 2 days after he said he never would. i think that's grounds enough to end it all because if someone who claimed to love me so much can treat me this cruelly, why try with anyone else?
i find peace in knowing i might one day get to start my life over as we all came from non existence so it is a possibility. i just wish i could do it with the knowledge i have now