It used to be because I didn't want to live, like when I was seriously depressed from childhood up through late adolescence. Somewhere along the line I got hooked on the idea of existing, probably because of hallucinogens making me feel that it could be something more. But I feel frustrated because I failed at making it that and now I'm here. I know this is vague and all and it probably is melodramatic but the feeling is like being turned down for a job that could start a whole new career path at the last minute, and knowing that it's all your fault for how all of your stupid little negligent actions stacked up. And you're just left floating in this anxious half-state where nothing really changes, and you're terrified of regression, you can feel it happening, but can't find whatever is needed, or are somehow too damaged, to progress.
