Discussion Is it that you don't want to live, or don't want to be in pain?

[ADruinedmylife]

I want to live so badly I just do not want to be in this state of complete anhedonia and removal of my sexuality antidepressants have left me in

I would trade my penis to have enjoy a cup of coffee again or feel love and passion for life that psychiatric drugs have taken from me

 

[dec132013]

Can't have one without the other for me, at my lowest having any one of my senses functioning hurts. Really hope life is just some freak accident in space that rarely happens so the rest of existence is complete unconsciousness

 

[Green Destiny]

I don't want to live with the pain of existing with this consciousness of mine and the pain of living in this forsaken world that we live in.

 

[Shades of Grey]

I suppose I'm an "option 2".

I can't remember ever having been particularly attached to life. (Even as a little kid, my survival/self-preservation instinct was pretty nominal. I've been worried about pain/discomfort in the process, but never death itself.) This isn't really about how I feel about life in general, though... and it never has been. It's about quality of life that I do not believe can be sufficiently improved enough to make living out my natural life a viable option.

 

[Mr2005]

Pain

 

[enuff]

I was talking to my therapist the other day about suicidality (I've been pushing myself to be semi-honest with them) and they said something along the lines of like, "you can be suicidal because you don't want to live, and you can be suicidal because you don't want to be in pain, and sometimes it's both, but which one are you?" And I guess it's not ~that~ profound but it still made me pause. Because I think it is the pain for me, knowing that this is my life and this is how I react and that I will always feel things with such an intensity that will never be understood or felt the same. It makes life unbearable. But without that pain my life would probably be fine, which I guess it looks like to everyone else because I'll be damned if they realise lol. Anyway I thought about this community and there are so many reasons that people turn to this site, and I've been on sites like this since the early 2000s. I'm just wondering... like which one is it for you guys is it life or is it the pain of living?

well, do you mean physical pain or emotional pain & mental anguish? i have lower back ache pain, and it sucks, but it comes and goes. but there are people who have real bad physical chronic pain, like from auto or work accident or from some debilitating disease. i feel really bad for such people, nobody deserves to be in pain. and right now i'm resisting the urge to go into karma and god and all that shit. maybe some other time.

i have tinnitus that sounds like a firetruck in my ears, and i have anxiety, confusion, depression and ocd. my vision is failing and my hearing difficult. but those are not physical pain, they are all in my head. even the firetrucks. i wish i could have my inner ears removed and stop the shrill noise, but then i'd be deaf, and i'm not sure if that's a good trade-off.

my best days are behind me. i've had a good long career, houses, cars, and all the trappings of middle-class life. but i don't see life getting any better. i'm over-the-hill. my wage-earning days are in the rear-view-mirror, and i'm racing toward a brick wall. am i supposed to hang onto life just to avoid causing my family and friends the grief and difficulty of my suicide? i don't think so. i'm gonna die anyway, maybe even today. every time i drive my car, could be my last. but with my luck, i'll live to a ripe old age suffering from poverty and lonliness.

i just don't want to live anymore. i'm done. had enuff.

 

[Worndown]

One can only take pain for so long then it must end.

 

[ecmnesia]

both. existence itself inherently is painful. through my perspective there is no way to exist without suffering. i want to end the pain that comes from trauma and mental illness, but even if i got rid of it, it'd still be in another kind of pain. my bad, i cant explain it really.

 

[FatalSystemError591]

It used to be primarily no pain but seeing the current state of the world the scale is quickly evening out

 

[Chupacabra 44]

I concluded fairly early on in life (correctly) that my gene pool is neuro chemically challenged. Up and down my lineage is a dreadful sight and is somewhat of a disaster with respect to mental health issues.

This fact was a significant reason why I majored in psychology during undergrad. I tried to self diagnose with my undergrad education and to better understand how to give myself a "fighting chance", while simultaneously trying to figure out what was the particular dysfunction within each of my other immediate family members.

Also, given my gene pool challenges (GPC) was the reason my sister and I swore to ourselves as teenagers that we would break the gene pool and not reproduce. We both kept our word.

I always admire and acknowledge whenever I come across the rare individual who seemingly is dripping feel good neurotransmitters out of every pore. Sometimes when quasi "less inappropriate" I try to engage these individuals to directly ascertain how in the world did they end up so blessed from a neuro chemical perspective, and I'll ask their opinions on the topic.

My signature in my profile reflects how I conclude some of this type of stuff goes down. But, people with an overabundance of feel good neuro chemicals are better equipped to process and to store lives day to day challenges in a favorable fashion.

Round about way to my answer: end pain. But if I could add in a couple of ounces of dopamine, seratonin and endorphins, I'd be all set. (Not sure these concepts are mutually exclusive).

 

[Mellowmood]

Life itself is causing me pain so I think its because of the pain that I dont want to live

 

[TheSomebody]

I don't know what it's like to live without pain

 

[Rockman]

I think it started with second but now both causes.

 

[Phantom]

I don't live in pain. I'm just not terribly fond of living at all. Life feels like an prolonged inconvenience and a bother. I guess that's why I'm not dead, but also why I'm not seeing any end to some suicidal ideation.

Maybe I'll get to it one day, but most of the people around me would have to die or forget about me first, since it'd be a pretty shitty trick to do to them.

 

[TripleA]

Both

 

[virginiawoolf86]

I was talking to my therapist the other day about suicidality (I've been pushing myself to be semi-honest with them) and they said something along the lines of like, "you can be suicidal because you don't want to live, and you can be suicidal because you don't want to be in pain, and sometimes it's both, but which one are you?" And I guess it's not ~that~ profound but it still made me pause. Because I think it is the pain for me, knowing that this is my life and this is how I react and that I will always feel things with such an intensity that will never be understood or felt the same. It makes life unbearable. But without that pain my life would probably be fine, which I guess it looks like to everyone else because I'll be damned if they realise lol. Anyway I thought about this community and there are so many reasons that people turn to this site, and I've been on sites like this since the early 2000s. I'm just wondering... like which one is it for you guys is it life or is it the pain of living?

The pain of living. Every day is agonizing. I used to enjoy life and didn't want to die. But now my brain is permanently dead and I just want out.

 

[Rafa-11:11]

Extreme Pain in the heart & soul due to human ego, very sensitive can feel others energy, general state of the planet, lies, greed, lust, ego pretty much sums it up, I feel I don't belong here.

 

[Infinite Conscious]

This fact was a significant reason why I majored in psychology during undergrad. I tried to self diagnose with my undergrad education and to better understand how to give myself a "fighting chance"

Same, majored in psychology to self diagnose and help myself.
But then moved from self diagnosing to self medicating... with drugs.
I did graduate (BA in psychology), but don't really know how I succeeded with that being a heroin addict.

As for the topic question... I singlehandedly ruined my life to such an extent that I only wish it to end.

 

[MariV]

both. existence itself inherently is painful. through my perspective there is no way to exist without suffering. i want to end the pain that comes from trauma and mental illness, but even if i got rid of it, it'd still be in another kind of pain. my bad, i cant explain it really.

yes...its all in the mind. i read an article about ppl with ALS, who can only move their eyes. and very few said they felt sad

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I don't want to be in pain..mental and physical. I want to live but I'm forced out of life because I can't live like this anymore.

 

[Midnight-rain]

Both for me. Even at my happiest moments, depression was always there tagging along. And putting aside the pain that comes from mental illnesses, I just simply don't want to be alive. I also don't want to have to work till I'm old and worn down.

 

[voidman]

I don't want to live because of the mental pain. So both. It's not that life itself is not worth living; it's just that I feel that my life is not worth living.

 

[Final_frontier]

i've had a good long career, houses, cars, and all the trappings of middle-class life. but i don't see life getting any better. i'm over-the-hill. my wage-earning days are in the rear-view-mirror, and i'm racing toward a brick wall. am i supposed to hang onto life just to avoid causing my family and friends the grief and difficulty of my suicide? i don't think so. i'm gonna die anyway, maybe even today. every time i drive my car, could be my last. but with my luck, i'll live to a ripe old age suffering from poverty and lonliness.

At least you can say you had a good life. I'm not sure everyone here can say that. With all the mental illnesses you mentioned, how was this possible? Did these only crop up later in life?

 

[TheGoodGuy]

To escape my physical and mental illnesses also I don´t see adulthood as living even if healthy there are too many responsibilities/work with no reward; childhood and teenage years are living adulthood is just existing.

 

[goodbyebunny]

The pain of being myself is what gets me. The self loathing. Living itself could be nice even, if I didn't have this pain.

 

[k75]

I want to live. I can't stand the pain.

More accurately, I want to want to live.

I don't hate life, I don't resent being born, and I technically have a lot to live for. So I know I want to live deep down, but I can't seem to access those feelings like I should. So it concerns me, but there's a heavy layer of apathy in the way. I mostly just feel the pain, physical and emotional.

 

[Pho3nix]

If I didn't have this incurable disease I'd want to live. I've always suffered from mental health issues and depression but at least I was physically healthy then. When I was healthy I was able to cope with my depression by travelling and doing other things that I enjoyed. Now I'm just a shut-in on a cocktail of meds trying to keep the pain and other hideous symptoms at bay.

Life to me isn't worth living unless you have your full health and freedom.

 

[pika8787]

To avoid any feelings i'd rather die. Everything is temporary and bad feelings are going to happen anyways. We all depend on eachother and we can't controll anything. If you give me the option of dying right now of living, for sure I'd rather die. I'm tired of this life and everyone.

 

[ocd is bad]

I'd rather not live. I don't see any positives of life.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Both.