hughmun9
Member
- Feb 22, 2023
- 63
Sometimes I think, I don't think it's meant to be this hard. I look at people passing me by on the street, laughing in coffee shops, at uni. I see people that have maintained relationships and friends since high school coast through life. Getting a job they like-ish early on. Sure they have challenges, but they have support. Sure they need to adapt. everyone needs some will-power to adjust to the challenges life brings. But it's every so often, and for only so long.
I feel like I've been powering through since I was born. Mustering whatever willpower I could in every moment of every day. And now that I've been out of the game so to speak, for roughly 8 months following a hospitalisation, doing nothing continuously really for the first time in my life: I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to the 'grind'.
I'll be honest while typing this all that comes in my head is: It's not. It's not supposed to be this hard forever. You're not meant to be alone forever. I do, fortunately have an opportunity to take it easy for a while, so maybe I should stop keeping myself in thought-bondage. If my mind weren't whipping myself every 2 minutes, calling me lazy I could be using this time to recover, as I am doing nothing and am covered by disability. It is a golden opportunity. I guess, it hasn't been 'hard' the past few months if I think about it. But it hasn't been rewarding either. It's just been a sort of dull, boring existence.
I think, if I genuinely projected the same difficulty I've had to endure on my future, I would CTB on the spot. I have to believe it'll get easier somehow.
Birds are chirping outside. It's been countless sunny days, albeit during a heat wave. I have some social opportunities, though it's random NHS events where I've never really found anyone to connect with. Maybe I could volunteer or something. Start going outside a little bit. Maybe I don't have to go about things the way I have my whole life. Perhaps I don't need another 'plan' just yet, another projection of the next few months of my life I won't be able to follow. Maybe I could recover slowly and see where life takes me.
This was meant to be a hopeless thought-dump when I started typing this. I don't have to figure everything out right now. I can always CTB later if it truly doesn't get any easier. If I do have to fight just as hard for every moment. But maybe I can find support too, not just from the outside but from the inside, and only have to fight every so often like the people I'm jealous of.
I feel like I've been powering through since I was born. Mustering whatever willpower I could in every moment of every day. And now that I've been out of the game so to speak, for roughly 8 months following a hospitalisation, doing nothing continuously really for the first time in my life: I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to the 'grind'.
I'll be honest while typing this all that comes in my head is: It's not. It's not supposed to be this hard forever. You're not meant to be alone forever. I do, fortunately have an opportunity to take it easy for a while, so maybe I should stop keeping myself in thought-bondage. If my mind weren't whipping myself every 2 minutes, calling me lazy I could be using this time to recover, as I am doing nothing and am covered by disability. It is a golden opportunity. I guess, it hasn't been 'hard' the past few months if I think about it. But it hasn't been rewarding either. It's just been a sort of dull, boring existence.
I think, if I genuinely projected the same difficulty I've had to endure on my future, I would CTB on the spot. I have to believe it'll get easier somehow.
Birds are chirping outside. It's been countless sunny days, albeit during a heat wave. I have some social opportunities, though it's random NHS events where I've never really found anyone to connect with. Maybe I could volunteer or something. Start going outside a little bit. Maybe I don't have to go about things the way I have my whole life. Perhaps I don't need another 'plan' just yet, another projection of the next few months of my life I won't be able to follow. Maybe I could recover slowly and see where life takes me.
This was meant to be a hopeless thought-dump when I started typing this. I don't have to figure everything out right now. I can always CTB later if it truly doesn't get any easier. If I do have to fight just as hard for every moment. But maybe I can find support too, not just from the outside but from the inside, and only have to fight every so often like the people I'm jealous of.
