is it possible for someone like me to get better?

[runningoutofoptions]

i'm 22, been depressed and chronically suicidal for as long as i can remember, partially genetic and partially due to childhood trauma. i've really really tried to get better. i've tried almost everything out there. i've been in therapy for the past eight years, and have tried about 30 different psych meds from various classes. i also tried TMS, and i did eighteen sessions of ECT. nothing has made a sustainable change in my suicidal thoughts and severe depression. i've been psychiatrically hospitalized 5 times due to suicidal ideation and attempts, and have been to 4 different residential programs. i also did an outpatient DBT program for a year, a trauma intensive outpatient program for 10 months, and have been through various partial hospitalization programs and intensive outpatient programs. many of these programs just caused me more trauma.

i want to have a life, i really do. but every day is excruciating. i know that there are things i want to do with my life, but my depression makes it so i can barely function. i can't eat, i can't get out of bed, i can't keep up with day to day responsibilities, i can't enjoy anything, i can't feel anything positive. i feel like i must somehow deserve it, that i'm being punished somehow. i really want to WANT to live, but it's so hard to get through each day when everything feels impossible. it's like i can see the world, and all the good it has to offer, but it's behind glass, out of my reach. it's not mine, it isn't for me. i don't get to have a life, as much as i want it. i feel so broken. i've been trying so hard for so many years to get better, but i'm truly running out of options and losing any hope that it's going to get better. i don't know if it's even possible for someone like me who's tried so many different things and gotten no relief to actually get better. i just don't know what to do anymore.

 

[BlankZeroNone]

Everyone can see that you've put in an incredible amount of time and effort into finding a solution. It's a shame that this is the hand you were dealt. You're not being punished. You really, truly deserve to get better.

I'm sorry that I can't offer you any advice, but I hope someone with more experience will chime in.

Giving you a big hug. Hope that we'll hear good news from you someday.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Hopefully. Your background is quite long-term, I don't know if medication has helped you. Usually they just make you feel even more numb / prevent you from feeling normal emotions. You too deserve to feel happy every now and then. Couple of things come to mind that could help you. 1) practicing love (toward yourself and others), 2) writing down thoughts and 3) some drugs that elevate the mood or that can be used therapeutically. Nutmeg, for example, has an anti-depressant effect in mild doses. I hope you find a treatment that suits you, the most important thing is that you yourself feel that it is helpful for you.

 

[Regen]

I am very sorry, this is sadly really difficult. I have also tried a lot and still struggle.

I think the ultimate solution does not exist. But if you manage to survive for a few more years and keep working, you will see in retrospect what has changed. For me, therapy has sometimes been delayed and has not had a wow effect, but when I compare it with the situation ten years ago, I can see the progress.

Currently, all my hope lies in the schema therapy in connection with a really very empathetic and committed psychologist, the best in all the decades. Have you tried schema therapy?

I guess there is another new method for chronic depression, CBASP is the name of it. I also like A groups. And it helps me to have well-dosed contact with normal people, from whom I learn how to live and think healthily. At work, for example. Working has helped me. Unfortunately, this has not been possible for me for a long time.

My vitamin D is also often too low, the physical reasons are often neglected. Not enough sleep, not enough water, not enough exercise, fresh air, micronutrients. But I know, all no miracle cures. Only the sum of them all sometimes makes the difference.

A healthy love relationship would probably help me the most. But I am currently not in a position to do that.

Most people hate that phrase and I wouldn't have liked it at 22 either. But I have really met many who were better off beyond 30.

At the beginning of the year I wanted to make a list of EVERYTHING - even crazy things - that ever helped against depression. And then apply everything consistently for a year. After a year, draw a comparison and see what helped and what didn't. Then follow up on that.

I'm not trying to lecture you. I know how damn difficult it is. You ultimately have only two choices, either give up or keep going. Keep going as long as you can, because then you have the option that things will get a lot better after all. Schema therapy helps people with borderline for example, otherwise many therapists give up. Schema therapy was developed especially for difficult cases. Maybe it will help you too?

You are not alone with your struggle.

And yes, I am sure it is always possible for you to get better. But it takes much time and it is difficult to survive this years...

 

[willitpass]

your list of treatments sounds almost identical to me. I've tried all of that except TMS. I will say I've heard a lot of upcoming news about ketamine being successful, and I've considered it if I ever need to because hell, what do we have to lose? We've shocked our brains for Gods sake, may as well give ketamine a shot.

I hope you're able to find peace somehow. I very much understand the hell that is trying all of those traumatic treatments to no avail.

 

[shootingstar]

I had suicidal idolization since I was in the 4th grade. Had it daily until i got a boyfriend in college. It got better. Post boyfriend it stayed better. Got a few cases where I had a panic attack that lasted a month and then went away. It came back because I have a difficult marriage to a guy who I think has OCPD and won't let me leave the house unless he escorts me since he is afraid I'll run away or something.

Life has up and downs. Things don't last forever until you die. There is a chance that something may change and you will get free.

My month long panic attack ended when I was fired from my job. I had no clue that the anxiety was coming from my job since I was so disconnected. I felt great after being fired and found a new better job. But maybe I'm just weird.

Maybe there is something in your life that you don't know about that is causing this problem like what happened to me. Therapy never helped me and in fact made it worse for me. I guess just thrash around and hope for the best. Something may dislodge and you get your freedom. A new person may enter your life with the key, or an old person might leave and take the bad feelings with them. A change of environment might help rule things out.
I also got diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Maybe there might be an issue with your health. Hormonal problems are growing more and more common these days. I just started medication so I can't vouch for if it will lift depression. But it is worth a shot.

 

[chloramine]

I truly believe it is always possible to get better. Unfortunately it's not always accessible for everyone for a variety of reasons. It sucks that you've worked so hard and life still hurts so much. I wish I could offer specific advice, but I'm not sure what will help.

Personally human connection is a big thing and not having it makes everything worse. If you can manage it maybe trying to find an activity or something that gets you outside and interacting with people? Completely okay if that's not possible or helpful to you it's just one of the biggest generic things I know of that can get overlooked. Humans are not meant to be isolated or alone or to be completely dependent on ourselves.

 

[LittleJem]

I'm really sorry. Treatment resistant mental illness is horrendous. I have it too - though haven't attempted, I have been sectioned a number of times.

I admire your will to live.

What you have left is:

psychedelics: LSD, psilocybin
ayahuasca
medical marijuana or just marijuana

erm if you haven't tried nardil it is worth trying. Who knows how to access it. I've been looking for a psychiatrist to prescribe it

I'm guessing they tried you on amitryptiline already? 150 mg is the doseage for depression

Tramadol could work

you won't be able to get it, but buprenorphine has some hope for depression

cocaine is good, but doesn't last, alas

ketamine infusions if you can get them

see my post on scopolamine. It is easy to source and can work quickly. It helped me straight away but gave me eye issues. Gutted. but you might be luckier with it.
you are young - so maybe in ten years time there will be better treatments