is it normal to just hate being alive?

[autostrada]

ive heard so many stories of people who wish to cbt or have done so and i understand every single one of them. i wish nothing more but to have never existed. but i dont understand why. my life should be perfect. i grew up in a loving and wealthy family, i got a good graduation, im going to uni right now and ive still got so many nice things ahead of me. i got many nice friends and the boyfriend of my dreams. why is it that i am still so sad? every day i am dominated by pain, sadness and self hatred. i dont like myself, my way of thinking, dealing with issues and interacting with people in particular. thats the only thing i can think of as a reason for why i am so miserable. i always feel like its not reason enough to feel this way thats why i am so ashamed to tell anybody about my situation. but still i feel this way. still every single day in my life is like torture to me because i cant keep my mind off the thought of escaping this world. why am i this way? why do i feel these feelings while i am supposed to be happy? the more time i spend thinking about it the worse it gets but i cant keep my mind off. i am not sure if i can ever achieve a normal life without being tortured by self destructive and pessimistic thoughts. the thought about hurting those who love me and care about me is pretty much the only thing keeping me here at this point. what am i doing wrong? is there anybody who can relate to this?

 

[lethargic]

I think everyone ultimately has a reason for why they feel the way they do, it's just not always an easy find and requires a varying degree of introspection. Have you visited a therapist? Apparently if there's one thing they're good at, it's helping you understand. They ask the right questions. Maybe if you understand why you feel the way you do helps you solve it.

I actually suggest you give it a try before delving any further into this forum. Everyone should understand why they're going through with it, if they're going through with it. If you don't understand, you may be missing out on an easy fix.

 

[autostrada]

I think everyone ultimately has a reason for why they feel the way they do, it's just not always an easy find and requires a varying degree of introspection. Have you visited a therapist? Apparently if there's one thing they're good at, it's helping you understand. They ask the right questions. Maybe if you understand why you feel the way you do helps you solve it.

I actually suggest you give it a try before delving any further into this forum. Everyone should understand why they're going through with it, if they're going through with it. If you don't understand, you may be missing out on an easy fix.

most people actually recommended me to visit therapy. what i am scared of is that it will help me get better to an extend where i will not be strong enough to finish the job in the end, but not enough to truly appreciate being alive and enjoying it. i think i should actually consider giving it a try tho. thank you for the recommendation

 

[lethargic]

most people actually recommended me to visit therapy. what i am scared of is that it will help me get better to an extend where i will not be strong enough to finish the job in the end, but not enough to truly appreciate being alive and enjoying it. i think i should actually consider giving it a try tho. thank you for the recommendation

It sounds like you're stuck in a feedback loop of sorts. Your brain is trying to cope with something, but it doesn't even know what to cope about. So you're stuck in a ferocious cycle of trying to find solutions to a problem you don't understand, leaving you more frustrated, making you think about it harder, etc. I don't normally suggest therapists, psychiatrists I recommend absolutely never, but this is actually where their profession does stand out. You might actually have a very healthy and functional coping mechanism, you just need to understand what to cope ("grieve") about, and this entire problem of yours might end up fixing itself.

I'll bring an example: this is completely random and arbitrary, I am not at all saying this applies to you in any sense, just an example I know of -- but there have been people who have been sexually assaulted at a very, very early age that their brain has completely deleted memories of. But the feelings and some kind of subconscious mark gets left behind. So this might trigger this exact same feedback loop later in life - something is wrong, I need to find a solution to something I don't even know about, and it's driving me insane. Asking the right questions can and actually have made people remember these things, after which the coping mechanism finally takes over in a way that it can and these people genuinely get better, heal and live a healthy life. So definitely go do it, that's my honest recommendation.

Acceptance is the final stage of grief, but it's impossible to reach it if you don't know what you're trying to accept.

 

[KarmicRain]

i'm quite similar minus the relationship portion.
I should've been happy growing up with a loving family. had the good grades in school and in the first semester of college. then i just couldn't do it anymore and gave up. You're expected to just be fine and motivated for the sake of it but people don't work like that.
The more you think, the more you figure out how little everything matters. if you can just not think and live going about your life day to day, try that. but i can't, and it sounds like you can't either.
Nothing "seems" wrong in a theoretical average first world normal life. but there just isn't anything keeping you going other than the fact that all alternatives are infinitely worse. all but one ig
on the other hand maybe you're just burnt out from smth and will get over it haha

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's really difficult to say. First of all your personal feelings are fully legit and if you are aware of the consequences you take out of them this is also fully legit. What you wrote in OP it seems you have "everything" what others don't have and wish for more or less. Is there anything you really wish for what you can't get or what is totally out of reach for you? This may not be answered easily!

I can relate to it in some ways but our personal situations are certainly completely but the result is the same, there are things that are simply out of reach for me in my age and that is what makes me suicidal. As you speak about uni I guess you're still "very young" and have a lot of life and chances ahead of you.

 

[Darkover]

some people are just not wired correctly even when all there wants and needs are being meet and still feel suicidal that's the genetic lottery you didn't lucked out

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it certainly feels normal, wishing to not exist is all I know and I've never understood the supposed appeal of existing, to me existence is completely undesirable in the first place, I do see being trapped with our own thoughts as being something that can be very tiring and torturous, existence was a mistake to me and I've never seen any benefit to it.

 

[Sad Avocado]

ive heard so many stories of people who wish to cbt or have done so and i understand every single one of them. i wish nothing more but to have never existed. but i dont understand why. my life should be perfect. i grew up in a loving and wealthy family, i got a good graduation, im going to uni right now and ive still got so many nice things ahead of me. i got many nice friends and the boyfriend of my dreams. why is it that i am still so sad? every day i am dominated by pain, sadness and self hatred. i dont like myself, my way of thinking, dealing with issues and interacting with people in particular. thats the only thing i can think of as a reason for why i am so miserable. i always feel like its not reason enough to feel this way thats why i am so ashamed to tell anybody about my situation. but still i feel this way. still every single day in my life is like torture to me because i cant keep my mind off the thought of escaping this world. why am i this way? why do i feel these feelings while i am supposed to be happy? the more time i spend thinking about it the worse it gets but i cant keep my mind off. i am not sure if i can ever achieve a normal life without being tortured by self destructive and pessimistic thoughts. the thought about hurting those who love me and care about me is pretty much the only thing keeping me here at this point. what am i doing wrong? is there anybody who can relate to this?

ti capisco davvero tanto :/

 

[deadhead12!]

ive heard so many stories of people who wish to cbt or have done so and i understand every single one of them. i wish nothing more but to have never existed. but i dont understand why. my life should be perfect. i grew up in a loving and wealthy family, i got a good graduation, im going to uni right now and ive still got so many nice things ahead of me. i got many nice friends and the boyfriend of my dreams. why is it that i am still so sad? every day i am dominated by pain, sadness and self hatred. i dont like myself, my way of thinking, dealing with issues and interacting with people in particular. thats the only thing i can think of as a reason for why i am so miserable. i always feel like its not reason enough to feel this way thats why i am so ashamed to tell anybody about my situation. but still i feel this way. still every single day in my life is like torture to me because i cant keep my mind off the thought of escaping this world. why am i this way? why do i feel these feelings while i am supposed to be happy? the more time i spend thinking about it the worse it gets but i cant keep my mind off. i am not sure if i can ever achieve a normal life without being tortured by self destructive and pessimistic thoughts. the thought about hurting those who love me and care about me is pretty much the only thing keeping me here at this point. what am i doing wrong? is there anybody who can relate to this?

i can relate very well.

 

[SolomonKado]

ive heard so many stories of people who wish to cbt or have done so and i understand every single one of them. i wish nothing more but to have never existed. but i dont understand why. my life should be perfect. i grew up in a loving and wealthy family, i got a good graduation, im going to uni right now and ive still got so many nice things ahead of me. i got many nice friends and the boyfriend of my dreams. why is it that i am still so sad? every day i am dominated by pain, sadness and self hatred. i dont like myself, my way of thinking, dealing with issues and interacting with people in particular. thats the only thing i can think of as a reason for why i am so miserable. i always feel like its not reason enough to feel this way thats why i am so ashamed to tell anybody about my situation. but still i feel this way. still every single day in my life is like torture to me because i cant keep my mind off the thought of escaping this world. why am i this way? why do i feel these feelings while i am supposed to be happy? the more time i spend thinking about it the worse it gets but i cant keep my mind off. i am not sure if i can ever achieve a normal life without being tortured by self destructive and pessimistic thoughts. the thought about hurting those who love me and care about me is pretty much the only thing keeping me here at this point. what am i doing wrong? is there anybody who can relate to this?

Sometimes it's as easy as finding out what caused it to start? Mine started when I was 6 and my dad left without me and died in an accident a week or so later. It has affected everything else in my entire life to where I am now. Also some bad decisions on where I chose to work making the feelings 100 times worse leaving me in the state I am now.