Is it normal to feel this way?

[Qua]

Around a month ago I stopped taking my antidepressants for a few weeks (I kept forgetting to take them, then didn't have strength) and my mental health spiraled down. I haven't felt this bad for a long time, no breaks, in a few years. Always when I broke down it would last maximum a couple hours. Here, however, without my medication it kept going and kept getting worse with each day.
I'm feeling better now since I started taking my meds again, but here comes the question: why do I want to go back to that state? English is not my first language and so can't wrap in words how bad I've been feeling, how really low I was. I started self harming again, abusing calming medication to drug myself so I don't feel anything. Thoughts of suicide were so loud in my head I think If I hadn't taken my meds again I would've been dead by now.
Of course I still feel bad. I'm still depressed and family issues keep being the biggest and most harmful problem that I can't escape, but I'm nowhere close to the state I've been in before. Why do I want to come back to it? To make myself struggle, to make myself break down completely?
I heard that when you feel the same terrible way for a longer period of time, you begin to find comfort in it. I don't know how true it is since I've never tried to understand if it applies to me, but I have no other idea for the cause of my thoughts

 

[Worndown]

What are you comfortable with. Life before on meds, life without meds or possibly somewhere in between.

 

[lita-lassi]

self sabotage is a shockingly regular part of severe depression, though reasons can vary. if you feel comfortable discussing this in depth with a therapist or your psychiatrist they may be able to help you dig through the details of yourself that result in this urge. i believe the biggest cause for quite a few people who experience severe trauma or a shitty childhood or feel they wasted their life somehow, they either think its what they deserve or its all they know, so success or safety seems "unsafe" because it is new and different, or "undeserved", but thats a generalization and im not a professional. i hope youre able to find a way to understand yourself better and a way to maintain your treatment going off ssri's suddenly can be quite dangerous, as youve experienced. its chemically worse than just returning to a previously depressed state. please be kind to yourself