Is it bad that I don't find any of my hobbies fun?

[Minas]

I'll get this out of the way already: My mom was pretty shitty to me, as most people in this sub know. I can't count how many times she said I ruined her life just by being born, that I was a mistake, but "dealing with it" was part of being a mom...

It made me feel like at my core, I was worthless. I was not supposed to be born. For most of my life, I felt like the only way to make that "right" was either with pain or with constant servitude as an apology... or to eagerly give in when in the face of my death. I just wasn't born a "person". I am a thing. I never represented something good... I am just the manifestation of the many bad things that happened to my mom.

... It makes it really hard for me to wake up. It weights you down, knowing that you're so dirty. Makes you feel guilty just for enjoying something, because you know you were never born deserving of it.

And I thought I could change that. ... I don't want to be deserving of pain and death anymore. I don't want to be dirty anymore. I wanted to see if I could replace this stained core I was born with. I wanted to see if I had the potential to become something "good". Like a good artist.

... Now I'm not sure if I have a future anymore. A paragraph of something that I've spent so much time writing didn't impress anyone. And it made me... scared. Does that means that I don't have the potential to become something else? I can't change my destiny and avoid more well deserved pain and a life of servitude? Is my only path in life one of never ending atonemen?

... I'm scared. What does that mean to me? Was I "nothing" this whole time? I don't wanna go back to being something terrible.

I just want to be a good artist.

 

[ElTopo]

I'll get this out of the way already: My mom was pretty shitty to me, as most people in this sub know. I can't count how many times she said I ruined her life just by being born, that I was a mistake, but "dealing with it" was part of being a mom...

It made me feel like at my core, I was worthless. I was not supposed to be born. For most of my life, I felt like the only way to make that "right" was either with pain or with constant servitude as an apology... or to eagerly give in when in the face of my death. I just wasn't born a "person". I am a thing. I never represented something good... I am just the manifestation of the many bad things that happened to my mom.

... It makes it really hard for me to wake up. It weights you down, knowing that you're so dirty. Makes you feel guilty just for enjoying something, because you know you were never born deserving of it.

And I thought I could change that. ... I don't want to be deserving of pain and death anymore. I don't want to be dirty anymore. I wanted to see if I could replace this stained core I was born with. I wanted to see if I had the potential to become something "good". Like a good artist.

... Now I'm not sure if I have a future anymore. A paragraph of something that I've spent so much time writing didn't impress anyone. And it made me... scared. Does that means that I don't have the potential to become something else? I can't change my destiny and avoid more well deserved pain and a life of servitude? Is my only path in life one of never ending atonemen?

... I'm scared. What does that mean to me? Was I "nothing" this whole time? I don't wanna go back to being something terrible.

I just want to be a good artist.

It sounds very relatable.
Making art isn't always fun, most times you are digging in your own pain, and technique is always painful to learn, whatever thing you are practicing.
The fact that you are putting so much expectation on it probably won't help.
Why not start with having fun in a different way? Like sports or something, maybe that could open the doors.
Just remember that whatever way they made you feel isn't real, you are invaluable and so is your experience

 

[livefastdieyoung]

You are deserving, I promise.

Your mother is a terrible person for having the audacity to bring a child into this world and then decide she doesn't want to love it. NOBODY chooses to be born and blaming a child for your own decision is beyond disgusting. Seriously, I know this can't erase years of trauma, but I just want you to know while you are still alive, that you DO deserve to live and you are WORTHY. Fuck her, you don't owe her shit.

We are all in control of our own destiny, and yes bad things do happen to us. But nobody can say we are inherently worthless. If you don't mind I'd love to see the paragraph you wrote, I'm sure it's beautiful. And who cares what anyone else thought. Something you create can never be ugly or worthless.

Please do not leave this world thinking any of it was your fault. We cannot control the cards we are dealt, and our parents are the most important ones.

I truly wish for the best for you, and I hope one day you can escape these shitty people and cut them off. Live a life where YOU find joy in it.

 

[fedup1982]

I'll get this out of the way already: My mom was pretty shitty to me, as most people in this sub know. I can't count how many times she said I ruined her life just by being born, that I was a mistake, but "dealing with it" was part of being a mom...

It made me feel like at my core, I was worthless. I was not supposed to be born. For most of my life, I felt like the only way to make that "right" was either with pain or with constant servitude as an apology... or to eagerly give in when in the face of my death. I just wasn't born a "person". I am a thing. I never represented something good... I am just the manifestation of the many bad things that happened to my mom.

... It makes it really hard for me to wake up. It weights you down, knowing that you're so dirty. Makes you feel guilty just for enjoying something, because you know you were never born deserving of it.

And I thought I could change that. ... I don't want to be deserving of pain and death anymore. I don't want to be dirty anymore. I wanted to see if I could replace this stained core I was born with. I wanted to see if I had the potential to become something "good". Like a good artist.

... Now I'm not sure if I have a future anymore. A paragraph of something that I've spent so much time writing didn't impress anyone. And it made me... scared. Does that means that I don't have the potential to become something else? I can't change my destiny and avoid more well deserved pain and a life of servitude? Is my only path in life one of never ending atonemen?

... I'm scared. What does that mean to me? Was I "nothing" this whole time? I don't wanna go back to being something terrible.

I just want to be a good artist.

You were never "nothing", you just had a rough start to live. As you get older, find comfort, space, independence, you'll see you have value, and you'll find purpose. It doesn't have to be anything grand. Some people find this from things like owning a pet, being in a job they enjoy, or volunteering, helping elderly neighbours bring in their shopping, or donating to good causes, or as you suggest, becoming an artist, either professionally or part time.