Discussion Is it bad I have thoughts of wanting to ctb because I can't get a girlfriend?

[voyager]

Tricky. Yes, it can be a motive, but if it is indeed your main problem then I'd give it more time, simply based on your age. Not saying it will pay off, but this issue takes a while to grind away at one and it might just happen in the most unusual circumstances (no bs). I do believe there is at least one person out there for everyone, no matter how odd or unsuitable one might consider oneself. Problem is finding this person and if one does making sure not to let moment slip past.

For me it was different, I had girlfriends when my mhi came about. Felt so secure, but also so irrelevant in that regard that I even pushed them away when I became a recluse. It simply wasn't at the crux of the issue and had other things on my mind. Later, when I became lonely and desperate I regretted it of course. Always assumed a girl couldn't fix me, but tried to find at least some solace in her, but it never materialised and just added to my misery. A terrible cycle.

And if one were to find one's perfect other, what happens when this person disappears from one's life for some reason?

I think one has to fix one's own issues first. Make genuine peace with oneself to feel attractive and project that towards the outside. MHI will really fuck one over in this regard, but otoh there are potential partners in the same situation and might just relate to this and it can go from there. Things is though, it will give one strength and not make onself to dependent on outside influences.

I want to ctb for a similar reason although my reasons are a bit more nuanced than "I can't get a girlfriend."

I'm 29 and I've only had a girlfriend once when I was 17. I didn't even lose my virginity until 2 months ago when I caved and went to a legal brothel to turn in my v-card.

You're only 19 so you still have all of your twenties to turn things around. It may get better for you or it may not, it certainly didn't for me.

So yeah I understand how it feels to be lonely, to have no one be interested in you, to pretty much feel like a ghost in the eyes of women, to see other guys (who sometimes are straight up horrible people) be able to attract women. Over time it scars and breaks down your self esteem. I don't even feel like a person anymore because of the constant rejections for over a decade.

You're in a far better position than me though cause you're so young. I know it sucks, but you have time to turn things around.

Pshhh noob, I didn't lose mine till 29 LOL.

Glad you did it all the same. It's unnecessary pressure and hope you had a little fun at least. But yeah, it's not the same thing and won't replace what one is yearning for. Like you, I too had planned something similar before I go, but the closer it came, the less I cared about it. Hope fate is kind to you and presents you an opportunity to turn you life around.

 

[waterbottleman]

Tricky. Yes, it can be a motive, but if it is indeed your main problem then I'd give it more time, simply based on your age. Not saying it will pay off, but this issue takes a while to grind away at one and it might just happen in the most unusual circumstances (no bs). I do believe there is at least one person out there for everyone, no matter how odd or unsuitable one might consider oneself. Problem is finding this person and if one does making sure not to let moment slip past.

For me it was different, I had girlfriends when my mhi came about. Felt so secure, but also so irrelevant in that regard that I even pushed them away when I became a recluse. It simply wasn't at the crux of the issue and had other things on my mind. Later, when I became lonely and desperate I regretted it of course. Always assumed a girl couldn't fix me, but tried to find at least some solace in her, but it never materialised and just added to my misery. A terrible cycle.

And if one were to find one's perfect other, what happens when this person disappears from one's life for some reason?

I think one has to fix one's own issues first. Make genuine peace with oneself to feel attractive and project that towards the outside. MHI will really fuck one over in this regard, but otoh there are potential partners in the same situation and might just relate to this and it can go from there. Things is though, it will give one strength and not make onself to dependent on outside influences.



Glad you did it all the same. It's unnecessary pressure and hope you had a little fun at least. But yeah, it's not the same thing and won't replace what one is yearning for. Like you, I too had planned something similar before I go, but the closer it came, the less I cared about it. Hope fate is kind to you and presents you an opportunity to turn you life around.

As morbid as it may sound, part of me believes the solution to my life is to move to Thailand where I have access to sex workers at an affordable price 24/7. I've been lonely for so long that I'd be happy just finding a harem of sex workers who I like and who like me. They don't have to love me, but if they like me and give me attention, intimacy, and sex I'd be perfectly happy with a set up like that. It's a hell of a lot better than being completely alone.

At 29 years old with no women being interested in me my entire adult life, sooner or later I gotta acknowledge the reality of the situation which is that I'm just a genetic fuck up who women don't want anything to do with. Perhaps accepting my lot in life, truly accepting it and then moving to a different country where I'll be accepted is the solution.

 

[voyager]

As morbid as it may sound, part of me believes the solution to my life is to move to Thailand where I have access to sex workers at an affordable price 24/7. I've been lonely for so long that I'd be happy just finding a harem of sex workers who I like and who like me. They don't have to love me, but if they like me and give me attention, intimacy, and sex I'd be perfectly happy with a set up like that. It's a hell of a lot better than being completely alone.

At 29 years old with no women being interested in me my entire adult life, sooner or later I gotta acknowledge the reality of the situation which is that I'm just a genetic fuck up who women don't want anything to do with. Perhaps accepting my lot in life, truly accepting it and then moving to a different country where I'll be accepted is the solution.

Yeah, read that post of yours. Fwiw, I think acceptance of one's circumstances is a necesary step towards making peace with oneself, this will improve one's outwards appearance and from there anything can happen. Sometimes pleasantly surprising. Might also disillusion oneself of course, but still better than grinding away at oneself with unfulfilled desires and expectations. Btw, I'm 42, so you should still have some years left in you to find happiness, I hope.

 

[Lastravel]

27 here and never really had a gf. Already tried to take care about my appearance but it didn't help that much. Now I'm just fed up about all this things. All these personnal coach who tell you that "it's because you re not confident" it's BS. Your confidence has been built over years and if you're like that there is a reason. If people, especially girls reject you because you're not good looking, of course your confidence and self esteem will be low. Whatever when you have bad genetic it's up to you, if you want to fight in life or not. Personnally I'm just fed up, and have schizophrenia, so I gave up.

Besides this fucking society is based on appaerance and won't change in the future. Feminism and all this shit will keep going.

 

[Bob_Luman]

That's a horrible way to feel, that no one cares.. I'm so sorry.. So you're at college? I mean that can be a cliquey place at the best of times.
What about if you tried doing voluntary work in your spare time? It's so good for so many reasons. I do it with homeless people (Crisis) and for a start it allows you to meet other volunteers from all backgrounds who are obviously usually caring and non judgmental, you tend to have an instant rapport with them as you share a mindset of helping others, the volunteers are used to dealing with vulnerable people so if you yourself lack confidence they will be understanding and patient when talking with you. You can really make friendships and feel part of a group. Also for me when I'm there doing it it helps me stop mulling over my own problems..as I'm spending a lot of time listening to other people's. It looks good on a cv too.
You sound very interesting and appealing.. being into the vintage stuff etc. I feel like you are at an age where it's normal to struggle to find your identity and path to your future. I understand being in the autism spectrum makes things harder though. I think you sound like you have a lot going for you xx

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate it. Making friends is something which I have always struggled with from childhood up to now. I have recently worked in my local University, as part of my voluntary experience. I've come out of an interview for this internship after I finish college, working in a small IT firm which seemed to go well although I have yet to hear back. So I suppose those are some positives. I have a tendency to always think negative and presume the worst is bound to happen all of the time.

27 here and never really had a gf. Already tried to take care about my appearance but it didn't help that much. Now I'm just fed up about all this things. All these personnal coach who tell you that "it's because you re not confident" it's BS. Your confidence has been built over years and if you're like that there is a reason. If people, especially girls reject you because you're not good looking, of course your confidence and self esteem will be low. Whatever when you have bad genetic it's up to you, if you want to fight in life or not. Personnally I'm just fed up, and have schizophrenia, so I gave up.

Besides this fucking society is based on appaerance and won't change in the future. Feminism and all this shit will keep going.

Aww I'm sorry to hear that. Being completely honest society is f*cked. Let's be honest the media and many other things has completely changed the way people act, think and behave. Years ago people seemed to care a lot more about others like something simple such as saying hi and morning passing the odd guy in the street or at a bus stop. I'll be honest all of the social media BS and shit that goes on now makes me feel as though I don't belong here. I feel almost like an out cast because what everybody else likes I don't. I don't like instagram and all of that and especially those shitty meme things everybody shares online ahah. I sound like an old fart, but I'm just speaking my opinion. I feel like unconditional love doesn't exist for the most part anymore. Genuine people who you could eventually get to that point with are near to impossible to find. Not to mention, the divorce rates that go on now. I guess it's a good thing if I don't get a girlfriend, but at the same time I wanna find happiness like everyone does, with it being genetically hard wired within us.
What I have found though is some sub reddit groups primarily catered towards meeting others etc...I haven't spent a whole lotta time on there yet, but people post stuff everyday on it. So I guess trying to meet people casually just to get to know them and as a pen pal maybe? Things could maybe escalate...I know there's a lot of people from the U.K on those groups, so I guess I have my shot with that.

 

[Lastravel]

Yes, lots of things to say about how society evolves, but I don't want to put the blame on society, it's too easy ahah

You could definitely give a shot, hope you find some good people

 

[Aonewayticketplease]

19 is still young. How many women have you spoken to and tried your luck with?

One of my best friends handed in his v-card at the age of 21. Up until the age of 39 he had slept with a total of 9 women. His relationships were a disaster, things always ended badly for him.

At the ripe old age of 39 he started going to swingers clubs and massage parlours. These days he is regarded as a bit of a god in the swinging community. A few years ago I asked him how many women he had slept with and the number was huge, around 120. This from a guy who is generally really shy and has been in a psych ward because of depression.

It is probably a good idea to follow his strategy which is to work on yourself a bit. Go to gym, talk to women and when you fail just try again with someone else, don't get hung up on one particular person.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Hi all,

I'll start off by saying I'm a 19 year old male and for around 2 years now I've had this on and off depression. I've had thoughts of suicide quite a lot because I tell myself there's no chance I can ever settle down and I'd rather die then be alone my whole life. I understand that nobody owes you anything, but for some reason seeing others go by and not really take any notice of me, pains me. As I don't really have many friends or people to talk to and do stuff with. The one's I do have are very busy with their day to day lives etc...I get that nothing is certain because everything is coincidental, but wanted to hear some people's thoughts out of curiosity. I am fairly new to this forum, but I've seen that there's some really lovely people on here.

Hey brother, I don't think this is bad, I think actually dispair over this sort of 'need to be needed' is something that transcends us all at some point.
It sounds like you have pain but don't underestimate yourself and the freedoms that you have.
Some of my old pals got married to their first girlfriends at the same age you are now. Some of them are happy, but the majority are divorced at least once with multiple kids which must be as a minimum a challenging position to be in.
They patience is a virtue brother and don't write yourself off.
For me, this is not something I would ctb over.
Good luck friend.
DBD

 

[Despondent]

I'm eighteen and I don't have a bf hah
It's alright though. Have you tried going to clubs?

 

[Bob_Luman]

I'm eighteen and I don't have a bf hah
It's alright though. Have you tried going to clubs?

I've tried searching online for local meetup groups and events but I can't seem to find any in my area sadly.

 

[Mr. ‘K so?]

I'm 29 turning 30 this year. The best advice I could give is this: majority of women are attracted to what makes you you, and that starts from the inside out. I got asked this so I'll ask you too, how is someone else going to like you when you don't like yourself?

The swinger dude that @Aonewayticketplease stated earlier said fuck it, started going to swingers, got some confidence in himself and built on that. Dedicating to something that improves yourself is a good first step like the gym, boxing, or other hobbies

 

[TeenIdle]

It's not bad, it's normal. Loneliness and lack of social skills can lead to depression

 

[BadRNG]

Hi all,

I'll start off by saying I'm a 19 year old male and for around 2 years now I've had this on and off depression. I've had thoughts of suicide quite a lot because I tell myself there's no chance I can ever settle down and I'd rather die then be alone my whole life. I understand that nobody owes you anything, but for some reason seeing others go by and not really take any notice of me, pains me. As I don't really have many friends or people to talk to and do stuff with. The one's I do have are very busy with their day to day lives etc...I get that nothing is certain because everything is coincidental, but wanted to hear some people's thoughts out of curiosity. I am fairly new to this forum, but I've seen that there's some really lovely people on here.

Lol at least you have feelings for girls, I don't , thus me being here :)

 

[Deformationalplagio]

Dont know man i litterly have facial disfugerment and not even on the mild side and i even got woman. A lot of them. It will come over time and humor is your best friend

 

[Mizzmini45]

late 20s. I had all that but failed relationships and bunch of meaningless hook ups. I wish I could just find love with one really nice guy and have it last

 

[1kev]

First of all do you love yourself? Do you enjoy your own company? If you do then I don't see the problem in not having a girlfriend.

 

[Bob_Luman]

I also thought that I would need a girlfriend to be happy. I would advise you to visit a brothel in order to lose your virginity. At least that's how I did it.
I learned from this, that it is not crucial to have a girlfriend, but rather to train selflove. How do you want to love others if you can't even love yourself? I believe that with such an attitude you will always project your own self-loathing and inferiority complexes onto the relationship, which could ultimately ruin it.

It doesn't just depend on how you look. This is certainly a big factor for many women. However, there are exceptions. For example: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdomP1JqhnyBQGaBmfDl4KQ/videos?view=0&sort=p&flow=grid

I think it is unlikely that a lack of sex partners is the only reason for your deathwish. It is rather that we are exposed to many lies in this regard and we are told by society that we are only unhappy because we have no girlfriend or no boyfriend. I would advise you to look for other reasons why you are dissatisfied with yourself, although the lack of sexual partners and a lack of tenderness can of course be a big factor.

Thank you for your response, you are correct in thinking that there are other reasons. The truth is I am a very doubtful person when thinking of the future and what I can achieve. My self esteem is very low. I think its partially to do with my aspergers despite it's very minimal and not easily noticeable in person. I do often think to myself though I know if my life continued and I didn't have many friendships or even a romantic partner I won't be able to cope. I feel like sort of an outcast aswell, because I dont like the same stuff other kids my age do and I am different. I'm a quiet guy in real life and I always have been through school and even college. Which again is likely to do with my aspergers, as when I grew up as a child it was more severe as I didn't know how to behave and act in social situations. That was when I was very young though like around 8 or 9. But overall I think its mainly because I feel like i haven't got what it takes to get through life and get a job etc...I have had work experience but don't feel like my experiences went all that great.
What sucks even more is when I get the inner feeling of pain, I can't describe it but just desire to have someone or be dead and not here, i struggle to understand and interpret correctly information that is given on forums such as this. Due to the fact it's written as opposed to visual representations of how to set out certain things like SN for example.

 

[1kev]

Bro hit the gym, self improve as much as you can, and I can guarantee you will have interest from girls. They'll see you doing well, taking care of your body, etc. They'll show interest and that's where you can shoot your shot. Gotta put in the work g.

 

[Bob_Luman]

I'm 29 turning 30 this year. The best advice I could give is this: majority of women are attracted to what makes you you, and that starts from the inside out. I got asked this so I'll ask you too, how is someone else going to like you when you don't like yourself?

The swinger dude that @Aonewayticketplease stated earlier said fuck it, started going to swingers, got some confidence in himself and built on that. Dedicating to something that improves yourself is a good first step like the gym, boxing, or other hobbies

Yeah I guess you're right, I suppose constantly thinking about wanting to top myself as opposed to trying to counter the reasons I feel that way isnt doing me any good. I'll feel like I have all the energy sucked out of me too when I get depressed and I get real de motivated to do anything. I've tried counselling which was useless and they didn't go through any strategies at all with me, like they said they would. Strategies of coping and countering issues mentally I mean. It's just hard as i genuinely feel like few people notice I exist when getting about my days etc...
There's a kid at my college who says he feels the same way. He showed me these scars on his arm from previous cutting he has done and he said, he tried overdosing but woke up the next day with a real bad headache and just said, f*ck I'm still here. That really hurt me seeing a guy who I knew at college saying he tried that and felt the same. As I don't like seeing others in either emotional nor physical pain especially my family. I'm aware that the consequences of me catching the bus, would likely scar my family for life which makes it even tougher to think about. I've balled my eyes out loads of the idea of doing it and hurting my family.

 

[sadgirl2002]

Hi all,

I'll start off by saying I'm a 19 year old male and for around 2 years now I've had this on and off depression. I've had thoughts of suicide quite a lot because I tell myself there's no chance I can ever settle down and I'd rather die then be alone my whole life. I understand that nobody owes you anything, but for some reason seeing others go by and not really take any notice of me, pains me. As I don't really have many friends or people to talk to and do stuff with. The one's I do have are very busy with their day to day lives etc...I get that nothing is certain because everything is coincidental, but wanted to hear some people's thoughts out of curiosity. I am fairly new to this forum, but I've seen that there's some really lovely people on here.

I wouldn't say it's bad to want to ctb because you're devoid of love, it's understandable. You wanting to feel loved is natural, I know I feel the same way. I'm sure there are many people on SS who are going through the same thing. I truly only want love in my life and I know I'll end it if I don't get it. It's painful for me too, in a way. It's awful to see everyone else going on in life and I feel like I'm still stuck in the same place all these years. I won't give you false hope by saying that it may get better or you may find someone but again, you never know.

I dress smart, I'm really into vintage typically things related with 1950s America. I like to always have my hair done up and that.

Wow, another fellow vintage lover!

I try and be as nice as I can. Not having a relationship isnt the only reason though. I lack a lot of confidence and because I am on the Autistic spectrum, despite it not being too noticeable people say I am always really critical of myself. I have a lot of self doubt and I sometimes don't know what on earth I am gonna do in the future. I worry a lot about will I be able to handle life during my 20s, if I don't meet more casual friendships if not a relationship. I just want to feel happy and be able to enjoy life and know others despite family actually care. Everyday when I get about my stuff at college, it just pains me inside seeing everyone happy with others hanging out and enjoying life and I feel like I don't really have anyone who cares. That is my reason for wanting to ctb. At the moment I am still unsure so I will be giving it time due to the severity of it and permanent absence of death. Also my knowledge currently lacks on the SN method, which I plan on looking into just for if I ever get to that point that I want to go.

I'm critical of myself too and I doubt myself a lot. I understand about the anxiety, it's hard to even talk to people IRL as well as have a friendship or relationship. I'd suggest to not just go with anyone who contacts you on the dating website and to make sure you have things in common, she's polite and she likes you for you, for your personality and not your looks, just so it's good for the long term. I hope things get better and you're able to find someone.

A lot of people have said those qualities are what women apparently look for in a guy. But I just don't get why whenever I try and because I am different that might be why I'm not sure.

What do you mean by you're different?

 

[Bob_Luman]

First of all do you love yourself? Do you enjoy your own company? If you do then I don't see the problem in not having a girlfriend.

Being completely honest I don't love myself which is why I want to do myself in. I hate the fact I'm some quiet guy who is quite awkward socially and suck at making friends. My math grade is terrible also and its something I need to pass before the end of this year as I finish college, and I'll be looking for an apprenticeship. I hate being alone and not having many people to talk to. But what drives me up the wall and insane you could say, is the fact I can't do anything to fix it. Because people say just go out and socialize and meet people. Man I wish it was that easy otherwise I'd have done it loads. I suppose there is gym that would be a good option though. As I am a very slim dude. But yeah nowadays if you try to talk to someone you don't know in my area they'll look at you as some weirdo, like I don't know you why you talking to me etc...

 

[Mr. ‘K so?]

Yeah I guess you're right, I suppose constantly thinking about wanting to top myself as opposed to trying to counter the reasons I feel that way isnt doing me any good. I'll feel like I have all the energy sucked out of me too when I get depressed and I get real de motivated to do anything. I've tried counselling which was useless and they didn't go through any strategies at all with me, like they said they would. Strategies of coping and countering issues mentally I mean. It's just hard as i genuinely feel like few people notice I exist when getting about my days etc...
There's a kid at my college who says he feels the same way. He showed me these scars on his arm from previous cutting he has done and he said, he tried overdosing but woke up the next day with a real bad headache and just said, f*ck I'm still here. That really hurt me seeing a guy who I knew at college saying he tried that and felt the same. As I don't like seeing others in either emotional nor physical pain especially my family. I'm aware that the consequences of me catching the bus, would likely scar my family for life which makes it even tougher to think about. I've balled my eyes out loads of the idea of doing it and hurting my family.

It's finding or doing that one that you love doing. For example, I love the idea of being an overwhelming physical force of hurt, so my shit is wrestling. But really, judo, kendo or (gun to my head) Jiu-Jitsu are Good also. And it accomplishes three things: builds body, makes me better in a match/fight, and builds confidence.

 

[Bob_Luman]

I wouldn't say it's bad to want to ctb because you're devoid of love, it's understandable. You wanting to feel loved is natural, I know I feel the same way. I'm sure there are many people on SS who are going through the same thing. I truly only want love in my life and I know I'll end it if I don't get it. It's painful for me too, in a way. It's awful to see everyone else going on in life and I feel like I'm still stuck in the same place all these years. I won't give you false hope by saying that it may get better or you may find someone but again, you never know.



Wow, another fellow vintage lover!



I'm critical of myself too and I doubt myself a lot. I understand about the anxiety, it's hard to even talk to people IRL as well as have a friendship or relationship. I'd suggest to not just go with anyone who contacts you on the dating website and to make sure you have things in common, she's polite and she likes you for you, for your personality and not your looks, just so it's good for the long term. I hope things get better and you're able to find someone.



What do you mean by you're different?

Basically by different I mean I don't really like using social media and that. A lot of what the other kids my age use I don't. I don't really fit in that factor. And thanks so much for your response. I feel like venting and getting things off my chest whether it be online or to someone in person helps me feel slightly better.

 

[sadgirl2002]

Basically by different I mean I don't really like using social media and that. A lot of what the other kids my age use I don't. I don't really fit in that factor.

I'm the same, I stopped using all social media one by one as the years passed. I'm different too, I see others constantly on their phones on social media and I'm just there, listening to music or reading a book.

 

[Bob_Luman]

I have come off the dating apps now since I feel like it largely contributed to my depression. I feel better being off them for now anyways. When I finish college I plan to hopefully start my driving lessons again. Which then if I feel up to it I might try something like match or eharmony out, which are meant to be good, but put the distance at like 40 miles or something. As at the moment with me being on a full time course, I am unemployed and I haven't the money nor time to put into driving yet. Plus the idea of getting trains by myself and going large distances scares the heck outta me.
What sucks so bad and I tell myself this if I feel really shitty one day. Is the fact that not only is life itself really hard and a challenge. But finding an exit door should you feel like you can't do it anymore is even harder. Or to say the least on a pedistool that I can't seem to reach with the right info and so on....

 

[sadgirl2002]

I have come off the dating apps now since I feel like it largely contributed to my depression. I feel better being off them for now anyways. When I finish college I plan to hopefully start my driving lessons again. Which then if I feel up to it I might try something like match or eharmony out, which are meant to be good, but put the distance at like 40 miles or something. As at the moment with me being on a full time course, I am unemployed and I haven't the money nor time to put into driving yet. Plus the idea of getting trains by myself and going large distances scares the heck outta me.

It's good that you've come off the dating websites for now. Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone unexpectedly at college or elsewhere. I hope things go well.

 

[TAW122]

I don't think it's a bad reason, in fact, it's a common one as humans need some sort of physical and emotional connection with each other in order to remain psychologically and emotionally healthy (especially health relationships, whether it is a romantic, platonic, agape, etc.).

@waterbottleman Yeah same here, I didn't lose my virginity until a few days after my 29th birthday. Also, I never had a girlfriend and at this point in my life, I'm just satisfied with no longer being a virgin and being able to 'experience what sexual intercourse' feels like (physically and emotionally).

 

[Bob_Luman]

My mother who I have a really good relationship with, I feel like I can't talk to her now about this because she starts insisting its off to the doctors for some meds then. But I'm scared to take them in case they f*ck me up if I dont for whatever reason have depression, which sounds mad in itself. It sounds crazy because I think about wanting to do myself in, yet the idea of antidepressants scare me. I honestly don't know anymore....

 

[sadgirl2002]

Medication has bad side effects and I heard that it can cause cognitive impairment. It's full of chemicals and they aren't safe. I was on sertraline for a month and it didn't help and the doctor increased my dosage. I stopped using it by the second month because it wasn't doing anything for me. I wouldn't recommend antidepressants or any sort of medication for that matter. You can always talk to us. I'm also here if you ever need to talk.

 

[Bob_Luman]

Medication has bad side effects and I heard that it can cause cognitive impairment. It's full of chemicals and they aren't safe. I was on sertraline for a month and it didn't help and the doctor increased my dosage. I stopped using it by the second month because it wasn't doing anything for me. I wouldn't recommend antidepressants or any sort of medication for that matter. You can always talk to us. I'm also here if you ever need to talk.

Thanks so much! I really appreciate it!