Discussion Is anyone else still suicidal when they are "happy"?

[lostmilo]

Even on moderate and good days I still find myself logging onto this forum. Maybe it's not a good habit but i still find comfort in knowing that suicide is always still an option because happiness is very fleeting for me.

 

[anopenwound]

I tried to explain this to my therapist - my happy days are incredibly hard to reach and they don't last. Most days require an incredible amount of effort from me to just be ok. These thoughts are always there. Those last.

 

[HopeToStay]

Sometimes i feel more suicidal when i'm happy, as i think if i do it now, i'll never feel bad again.

 

[Lost Magic]

Yeah. Those thoughts are always there. I maybe get one or two days once in a while that allow me to just get on with things. Somebody wrote a post recently (shout out to you) and called themselves 'a functioning suicide'. I feel that is a good description.

 

[F@#$]

I'm never happy

 

[ebg]

Yes.

 

[ctbsd24]

Hard to explain. For starters, any happiness I have generally is short-lived. But even when I'm on a longer streak of "happiness", my problems are always right there at the back of my mind bubbling right under the surface. I don't think a day goes by where I don't at least acknowledge my suicidal ideations/tendencies.

 

[wren-briar]

I lived as a "functioning suicide" for several decades (since my first failure to CTB). Every day, at least once a day, I did a check in about whether this world and I were still able to benefit each other enough to justify staying alive.

However, since the moment that I was put in a coffin room (for seeking exclusively unbiased medical care about an issue that supposed MH "professionals" gaslighted me about for more than a year, and which turned out to have been CAUSED by, and extremely exacerbated, by their supposed MH "treatments") I've been actively suicidal.

I still regret that I failed to successfully CTB that first time, but I have regretted that failure more and more every day since I was subjected to unasked for, unwanted, unneeded, pleaded not to be subjected to, and exclusively traumatizing mother-fucking psychiatric crisis fucking interventions, when I sought -and could only have benefitted from- exclusively unbiased medical care.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

What does happiness even mean?

 

[nooneishome]

I don't think I've ever been happy honestly, but when I'm doing "well" I still experience suicidal thoughts. Even on the good days, they never go away. My soul longs to be free :( I've been suicidal since I was seven. The suffering has gone on long enough.

 

[restingplace]

Even on moderate and good days I still find myself logging onto this forum. Maybe it's not a good habit but i still find comfort in knowing that suicide is always still an option because happiness is very fleeting for me.

Yeah, it never seems to go away. Sometimes the happiness I experience is overwhelming because its not a common feeling for me

 

[uniqueusername22]

yes, i thought i was alone in this feeling. my happiness doesn't last long. when i think im healing im not. sometimes for a few days, a few precious days, im not suicidal. then i come back here. always. then my suicidal feelings last months without end, every single day, even the happy moments, all consumed. im sorry youre in this boat too.

 

[clementinemelocotón]

I feel like I'm not really happy but I like forgetting what I genuinely think because it helps me with life

 

[Leyna]

I wouldn't say I'm "happy" those days but suicide doesn't come up in my mind so often and when I do it's easier to argue against it or ignore it. Those days are few and far between though.