Is anyone else in this weird place where they’re not 100% mentally ready to ctb but also don’t have enough hope to make an effort in life?

[Aergia]

I'm in a bad situation. And sure, there are things I could do to improve it or to have a better future. I could seek treatment. But dealing with everything would require a lot of effort. Emotional, mental… and no matter what happens, I'll have to make significant sacrifices. There's no good way out of this. It's hard, and I don't want to put in the effort.

Ctb seems like the cleanest, most efficient solution. The only one that's guaranteed to get rid of all of my problems. It feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy— I haven't ctb yet because I have a little hope, only it's not enough for me to actually put any effort into dealing with my problems, so my condition will either stagnate or worsen— probably the latter, and then I'll end up ctb-ing because of a) my initial problems and b) my subsequent inaction that caused them to worsen.

Does anyone else feel like this?

 

[andromedakun]

This is exactly how i feel. Hope can be a cruel feeling.

 

[pan_har]

I'm in a bad situation. And sure, there are things I could do to improve it or to have a better future. I could seek treatment. But dealing with everything would require a lot of effort. Emotional, mental… and no matter what happens, I'll have to make significant sacrifices. There's no good way out of this. It's hard, and I don't want to put in the effort.

Ctb seems like the cleanest, most efficient solution. The only one that's guaranteed to get rid of all of my problems. It feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy— I haven't ctb yet because I have a little hope, only it's not enough for me to actually put any effort into dealing with my problems, so my condition will either stagnate or worsen— probably the latter, and then I'll end up ctb-ing because of a) my initial problems and b) my subsequent inaction that caused them to worsen.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I was like this last year for a full year so I know what you feel, I just faced the problem and with minimal effort solved it. Depending on what your problem is, (if you know the problem) you can solve with only minimal effort too!

 

[アホペンギン]

This is how i feel, im afraid to ctb but i dont see myself having any decent future in this world, im stuck

 

[Zillai]

I so feel this, i don't have the mental capacity to fully commit, but i have no other choice, so i gotta suck it up and go through with it.

 

[stillunemployed]

Yes. I think im in my upward cycle. Im more productive, im socializing, working out, trying to learn and re-qualify.

I am absolutely petrified of the downturn, because they can last whole years.
At the same, I just don't know what I want.
cbt is "ready", but i dont want to make that final step.

 

[OhWellDerp321]

I'm in a bad situation. And sure, there are things I could do to improve it or to have a better future. I could seek treatment. But dealing with everything would require a lot of effort. Emotional, mental… and no matter what happens, I'll have to make significant sacrifices. There's no good way out of this. It's hard, and I don't want to put in the effort.

Ctb seems like the cleanest, most efficient solution. The only one that's guaranteed to get rid of all of my problems. It feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy— I haven't ctb yet because I have a little hope, only it's not enough for me to actually put any effort into dealing with my problems, so my condition will either stagnate or worsen— probably the latter, and then I'll end up ctb-ing because of a) my initial problems and b) my subsequent inaction that caused them to worsen.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I think part of survival instinct is that you believe its gonna get better. I think the only true way to get rid of survival instinct is knowing you have nothing to go back to. Like no home and no wealth.

 

[hiddenbpd]

Absolutely relate.
No matter what I do I seem to tumble back into a terrible mindset that is never worth the times that are more positive.
I want to ctb so bad. I'm tired of the crashes.

 

[alonely]

very similar, i dont have enough energy to live and i dont have enough energy to ctb.

 

[AnonymousL]

yes, I feel guilt because I lost a friend to ctb.. So I know what I will bring upon my boyfriend and little sister.

 

[Aergia]

This is how i feel, im afraid to ctb but i dont see myself having any decent future in this world, im stuck

This! I try to see a happy future for myself but it feels impossible. I can't see anything. It's like even before my suicidal ideation became active, a part of me knew, deep down, that it was going to end with me ctb. Of course, it hasn't ended yet, but there's this air of finality in my life now, like I'm spending my last days here.

The last time my suicidal ideation peaked, I didn't have a way out— but if I had, I would've used it. I was in a constant state of mental breakdown and all I could think about was killing myself.

I feel like it's only a matter of time before I sink into one of those lows again. And now I do have SN.

I don't want to use it impulsively, of course, but I can't help but think— in those slumps— that my judgment isn't actually clouded by emotion but… clarified by it. That is, my judgement is typically clouded— by SI, by life's brief pleasures, creature comforts, and dreams that probably won't be realised anyway. But it's in the lows that I'm psychologically enabled to look past the shallowness of these pleasures and realise that well, ctb really is, for me, the most utilitarian, logical option.

I was like this last year for a full year so I know what you feel, I just faced the problem and with minimal effort solved it. Depending on what your problem is, (if you know the problem) you can solve with only minimal effort too!

I'm glad to hear you solved it. I hope you're doing better :)

Unfortunately I have multiple problems and they aren't of an easily solvable nature. They're not impossible to solve— at least I don't think so— they're just… gonna take a lot. And I'm gonna lose a lot.

 

[isthisit?]

Yeah, I got the same thing. Putting in effort is just not worth it anymore. The damage had been done and trying to fix it is just not worth it. But hey, it is what it is.

 

[アホペンギン]

This! I try to see a happy future for myself but it feels impossible. I can't see anything. It's like even before my suicidal ideation became active, a part of me knew, deep down, that it was going to end with me ctb. Of course, it hasn't ended yet, but there's this air of finality in my life now, like I'm spending my last days here.

The last time my suicidal ideation peaked, I didn't have a way out— but if I had, I would've used it. I was in a constant state of mental breakdown and all I could think about was killing myself.

I feel like it's only a matter of time before I sink into one of those lows again. And now I do have SN.

I don't want to use it impulsively, of course, but I can't help but think— in those slumps— that my judgment isn't actually clouded by emotion but… clarified by it. That is, my judgement is typically clouded— with SI, with life's brief pleasures, creature comforts, and dreams that probably won't be realised anyway. But it's in the lows that I'm psychologically enabled to look past the shallowness of these pleasures and realise that well, ctb really is, for me, the most utilitarian, logical option.

Me too, I have known for most of my life that my future would not be in my favor. At only 8 years old i knew that i would ctb soon, just didn't know when. I never had any chances but as soon as i get a chance and all the tools i'll ctb.

 

[hiddenbpd]

I don't want to use it impulsively, of course, but I can't help but think— in those slumps— that my judgment isn't actually clouded by emotion but… clarified by it. That is, my judgement is typically clouded— with SI, with life's brief pleasures, creature comforts, and dreams that probably won't be realised anyway. But it's in the lows that I'm psychologically enabled to look past the shallowness of these pleasures and realise that well, ctb really is, for me, the most utilitarian, logical option.

I wonder this also. You've put the exact feeling I have into such clear words.

 

[Sad Avocado]

I'm in a bad situation. And sure, there are things I could do to improve it or to have a better future. I could seek treatment. But dealing with everything would require a lot of effort. Emotional, mental… and no matter what happens, I'll have to make significant sacrifices. There's no good way out of this. It's hard, and I don't want to put in the effort.

Ctb seems like the cleanest, most efficient solution. The only one that's guaranteed to get rid of all of my problems. It feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy— I haven't ctb yet because I have a little hope, only it's not enough for me to actually put any effort into dealing with my problems, so my condition will either stagnate or worsen— probably the latter, and then I'll end up ctb-ing because of a) my initial problems and b) my subsequent inaction that caused them to worsen.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I completely feel you bro. Yesterday evening and night I was looking for scholarships to study in America and in other great schools to find a way to improve my future and have the best possible carreer. I was full of hopes and didn't even have ctb in my mind, but now I'm here, listening to daylight almost crying writing this reply to your thread. This has been going on for a while now and I'm like in a sort of void because sometimes I have some hope about my future and stuff but then when I remember the things that brought me here I have break downs and the will to ctb gets stronger than ever. I theoretically have everything, a valid source for SN, (I didn't buy it because I didn't have the balls to do it) a place with a meaning for me and all the notes and voice recordings ready for my friends. But I also am in this state and I always find an excuse to delay. This obviously brings in more pain but I think I am maybe getting closer to my final chapter. So basically yeah, I understand pretty well your situation and feelings :(

 

[Aergia]

I wonder this also. You've put the exact feeling I have into such clear words.

I hate that so many of us are going through this but I'm grateful that we can be brought together through SaSu's existence. The loneliness I often feel only exacerbates my problems.

Wishing you peace

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I have no hope. I need to CTB but I guess I'm stuck in limbo still. It's a terrible place.

For your situation I will say that improving life can be exponential. With each new improvement it can become easier to make further improvements and with those become even easier and so on. So while the beginning can be hard it can snowball once things get going.

 

[Aergia]

I completely feel you bro. Yesterday evening and night I was looking for scholarships to study in America and in other great schools to find a way to improve my future and have the best possible carreer. I was full of hopes and didn't even have ctb in my mind, but now I'm here, listening to daylight almost crying writing this reply to your thread. This has been going on for a while now and I'm like in a sort of void because sometimes I have some hope about my future and stuff but then when I remember the things that brought me here I have break downs and the will to ctb gets stronger than ever. I theoretically have everything, a valid source for SN, (I didn't buy it because I didn't have the balls to do it) a place with a meaning for me and all the notes and voice recordings ready for my friends. But I also am in this state and I always find an excuse to delay. This obviously brings in more pain but I think I am maybe getting closer to my final chapter. So basically yeah, I understand pretty well your situation and feelings :(

I definitely can relate to looking to academia as a means of improving your future. It's great that you have a valid source for SN, though naturally you shouldn't feel pressured to buy it till you make a decision.
I hope that things work out for you, and that you can get your scholarship and have a better future. And if not, then I hope you find peace regardless

 

[sppplmgwiwlkiwbtft]

I can fully relate to everything you said. Hope is truly so so so cruel
I have everything ready for my ctb, I got my note and will ready, but I just can't seem to do it. Every time I get close to doing it, something stops me. That stupid hope that life will get better. Well, it did get better, didn't it? Then maybe it'll happen again some time soon
I look at my friends who never were suicidal or who struggled with mental disorders for years before finally getting into a remission. They've been suicidal for years, longer than I am, yet they feel happy on a daily basis, they have positive emotions, they enjoy life even with its downsides. And it gives me that little hope that ruins every plan. But in the end, it doesn't get better again. Meds don't work, therapy doesn't work. Why did it work for them then?
As a result that little bit of hope that still lingers in me stops me from doing something that would finally bring me peace

 

[Aergia]

I have no hope. I need to CTB but I guess I'm stuck in limbo still. It's a terrible place.

For your situation I will say that improving life can be exponential. With each new improvement it can become easier to make further improvements and with those become even easier and so on. So while the beginning can be hard it can snowball once things get going.

That is terrible. I'm sorry. I hope you can manage to get out of it, and find peace on one side or the other. And feel free to dm if you wanna talk :)

Your reasoning is sound. Like you say, though— the beginning is hard, and dealing with my external, domestic circumstances every day seems to be corroding my will to live— to even try.

 

[Sweet Tart]

In the past, I reinvented myself more than once and created a life that I wanted to live. I could imagine being successful in various areas of life and feeling good about it. But things have changed and I just don't see any path out of this hopelessness and stagnation.

People tell me that I'll get out of the situation I'm in and everything will be better. But... how? I've tried everything I can think of and have been seriously stuck in this rut for years. I don't have any more ideas to try & my quality of life is terrible. So it seems logical to accept that no, things aren't going to somehow change and get better.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

yeah i relate, im in a similar situation. i dont really have 'hope' but i do have things keeping me attached to living (mostly just wanting to stick around for the people i care about who make living for now a little more tolerable). but i gave up on my future and my inaction has doomed me to eventually be completely fucked, almost certainly will end up homeless if i dont die this year. so yeah even if i had any desire to live long-term i've already sealed my fate. not to say i would do anything different tho or that i have any regrets, i wouldnt and i dont. i just wish it wasnt so fucking impossible to access a reliable method...

 

[ctb-soon]

I am not sure you are ever 100% ready. You just have to be determined enough to overcome the SI that will work against you.

 

[SolomonKado]

currently my hope has been stripped from me along with being able to function. This world is full of shitty people that seemed to have gone out of their way to let me know they are in charge and I have no power. I suffered through it for 14 years.

I have everything and want to, but I can't get myself to function. I don't have much time and I'm losing more time as days pass.

A company is playing dirty to get something back and they will do everything in their power to destroy me. I want to be gone before that happens. My life has been full of people like that.

What's the point of being here when I can't make anything better for myself and at every turn some horrible person is waiting to take their turn on me. From the 40+ years I've been here it's been since I can remember since I was a child.

From my experience it's not going to get better no matter how much I try to stand up against it and try to turn things around. I can't.

 

[dozer]

Yes, I'm trying to acquire my supplies now and then will give life a couple more years.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I'm in a bad situation. And sure, there are things I could do to improve it or to have a better future. I could seek treatment. But dealing with everything would require a lot of effort. Emotional, mental… and no matter what happens, I'll have to make significant sacrifices. There's no good way out of this. It's hard, and I don't want to put in the effort.

Ctb seems like the cleanest, most efficient solution. The only one that's guaranteed to get rid of all of my problems. It feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy— I haven't ctb yet because I have a little hope, only it's not enough for me to actually put any effort into dealing with my problems, so my condition will either stagnate or worsen— probably the latter, and then I'll end up ctb-ing because of a) my initial problems and b) my subsequent inaction that caused them to worsen.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I would say I'm here sort of. Without explanation of my life and story it won't make sense but you can read it in my posts. But I don't want to live my life and be miserable for the rest of it. Which I see as the future for me. But I also am a curious person.. I like interesting things. I'm waiting I suppose for I suppose enough conformation of lifelong misery for me to be satisfied or hope for the future. It's a race. Another way to think about it is... Does society care enough me to give me hope for the future or is society okay with me dying.

 

[Archness]

Yes.

It's quite an odd feeling, if I do have a familiarity with it.

Know things could get better, but very unlikely. Trying to improov it is something I could do, but is essentially useless with this world I find myself in, and my brain's fundamentally defective (autist status); really it'd just aggravate my situation.

My only two real choices is to either wait-it-out, or end it /w ctb.

Luckily I can make that wait mostly bearable, but slowly, but consistently, it's even more unbearable.

 

[Conker]

The only silver lining to old age I can think of...
Makes it 10x easier to commit suicide, once you lose that flexibility then the body turns into a prison.

Even if my body still had some youth left, there's no juice left to squeeze in this timeline.
Only alien tech or a miracle could bring back motivation?
Is that the correct word I'm looking for

 

[KILLING_POSSUM]

Yeah, I feel that. I do nothing with my life, I don't go out, I don't take care of myself, I don't talk to many people. Hell, I rarely leave my bedroom. And yet, I haven't been able to bring myself to ctb. Sure, I've seriously thought about it, but never actually taking the effort to. It sucks, this feeling and I'm so sorry you and everyone else going through it, is. I understand it sucks, and I hope we all get out of this miserable trap. Much love to you

 

[offbalance]

Yes. But it's probably just SI