Of course. Being depressed and suicidal is hell. Trying to make it through every day with gritted teeth is hell. There's nothing fun or enlightening about any of this for me. If I could be someone who enjoyed life or at least didn't hate it, I would. Seeing life as pain is neither rational nor irrational, it
just is, and it's agony.
Sometimes I imagine cutting open my skull and tossing my defective brain in the trash, like the SpongeBob meme. Just so I could have some peace for once.
I wish I could live like people who didn't want to kill themselves all the time. From my vantage point it's a much less stressful, isolating existence. If there was a cure for this I'd take it. But there isn't, so I just have to sit here and watch the normies like my partner from afar, face pressed against the glass... until it's my time to go. We can't even talk about it anymore, because it just drags down the house and there's nothing he can do about it anyway. I've decided to just pretend as best I can until I'm financially ready to ctb. More pressure, more agony. But it is what it is I guess.
