Venting Is anybody else relieved that all of this will be over one day?

[ijustwishtodie]

Because, personally, I am. I am extremely relieved that I will die one day. One thing that pro lifers cannot counteract is the inevitability of death. I feel at ease knowing that, no matter what, I will be dead one day. No matter what, my pain will eventually come to an end. Yes, until then, I have to suffer but I'm extremely relieved that I wasn't born into a world where humans have figured out biological immortality and impose it upon every human being possible. I will be dead eventually and hence I will find peace eventually too.

I hate that I still have to suffer but I know that it won't be for long. Especially when I'm autistic and autistic people tend to have a significant lower average life expectancy than the average human. And I know that I will fit the trend instead of be the exception as there isn't really anything right that I can do beyond academics. I can't even get hired for basic entry level jobs due to how socially inept I am so I stand no chance to live in the world of work. I'm only alive now because of university and academia but, once this ends, my life will end too.

And that's what I like.. that my life will end too. It's one of the few things that keeps me sane in an insane world like this. I never wanted to live and suffer to begin with. I want peace, a permanent escape from life. There's nothing in life that I enjoy and there never has been

My ineptitude will cause me to die early and I want to die early. Only then can I truly be in peace

 

[matt1968]

Yes a lot of your experience chimes with me.

A few weeks back I was very close to making a serious attempt. I've been mega-stressed and depressed for so long now but there was nearly the excitement of the last day of school or some such. Relief too, as you say.

And I think really belatedly in life, it looks like I am very socially anxious / AVPD / ASD and so life expectancy is kind of where I am right now - or I am older on some estimates. And it just feels like that in terms of sheer exhaustion and the lack of spirit to carry on.

All my very best wishes.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yes a lot of your experience chimes with me.

A few weeks back I was very close to making a serious attempt. I've been mega-stressed and depressed for so long now but there was nearly the excitement of the last day of school or some such. Relief too, as you say.

And I think really belatedly in life, it looks like I am very socially anxious / AVPD / ASD and so life expectancy is kind of where I am right now - or I am older on some estimates. And it just feels like that in terms of sheer exhaustion and the lack of spirit to carry on.

All my very best wishes.

Yeah, in my case, I shouldn't even reach age 30 as such a thing would be impossible for somebody with my brain even if pro lifers were to intervene. Aside from academics, I have no talents at all. When I say no talents, I literally mean it. I don't have ways to cope, I don't have resilience, I don't have determination, I dont have mental or physical strength.. I don't have the things that others do

 

[matt1968]

Yeah, in my case, I shouldn't even reach age 30 as such a thing would be impossible for somebody with my brain even if pro lifers were to intervene. Aside from academics, I have no talents at all. When I say no talents, I literally mean it. I don't have ways to cope, I don't have resilience, I don't have determination, I dont have mental or physical strength.. I don't have the things that others do

Is academics something you can keep going for a while?

Well done for using this talent.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Is academics something you can keep going for a while?

Well done for using this talent.

Not really. It has to end one day and I'll have to work just like everybody else. Or at least I would if they would hire me which they wouldn't due to how socially inept I am. Also, I'm not good at academics either nor am I talented in it but I thought to mention it as I do better in it than I do for anything else. When I say I'm not good at academics, I mean it as I spend multiple hours doing a task that many people would complete in one hour. I also don't really have any motivation to study because it's pointless. All of this is pointless and I never wanted to live to begin with. I would be in peace if I were to get killed today as I wouldn't have to worry about academics or work or just me suffering in general

I'm not really meant to be a human and this isn't me self loathing as I don't hate myself. This is just a realistic assessment of myself based on what qualities and skills I have (i.e. very minimal). I'll never believe the notion that all human beings are talented and good enough for life and, even if I was good at life, I still don't want to participate in it

 

[rxttingaway]

Yeah, in my case, I shouldn't even reach age 30 as such a thing would be impossible for somebody with my brain even if pro lifers were to intervene. Aside from academics, I have no talents at all. When I say no talents, I literally mean it. I don't have ways to cope, I don't have resilience, I don't have determination, I dont have mental or physical strength.. I don't have the things that others do

i understand what this is like, for a very long time i had this mindset - but i wanted to tell you what i've been told, and maybe help you out with these feelings.

saying things like "it would be impossible for somebody with my brain" is not true, and don't roll your eyes at me yet. i do truly get it, i am a borderline and have said the same. i KNOW you truly feel that way, but i wanted to tell you that negative statements like these are what keep you from growth. tell yourself that recovery is possible, and that you are capable of this often. you can hardwire your brain and change how you are with time and effort. it isn't easy, but god, it makes life worth living and is SO worth it. death will come it is inevitable, in the mean time you might as well try your hardest to turn your life around and make the most out of it instead of be miserable for your remaining years. that isn't a good way to go out.

if you don't have any now, ways to cope can ALWAYS be learned. if you cannot afford therapy, here is a link to a CBT skills workbook. completely free.

https://www.hpft.nhs.uk/media/1655/wellbeing-team-cbt-workshop-booklet-2016.pdf

you also said you don't have resilience, determination, or mental/physical strength.

you live every day with a neurological disorder that many people struggle with a lot. that takes SO much mental and physical strength, and i am proud of you for doing so. you're a lot stronger than you realize.

take care and stay safe. i hope my words mean at least a little bit.

 

[matt1968]

Not really. It has to end one day and I'll have to work just like everybody else. Or at least I would if they would hire me which they wouldn't due to how socially inept I am. Also, I'm not good at academics either nor am I talented in it but I thought to mention it as I do better in it than I do for anything else. When I say I'm not good at academics, I mean it as I spend multiple hours doing a task that many people would complete in one hour. I also don't really have any motivation to study because it's pointless. All of this is pointless and I never wanted to live to begin with. I would be in peace if I were to get killed today as I wouldn't have to worry about academics or work or just me suffering in general

I'm not really meant to be a human and this isn't me self loathing as I don't hate myself. This is just a realistic assessment of myself based on what qualities and skills I have (i.e. very minimal). I'll never believe the notion that all human beings are talented and good enough for life and, even if I was good at life, I still don't want to participate in it

There's a Beach Boys song, "I just wasn't made for these times", which sum up my feelings about myself and this life.

I was good at sport, which kind of forced me into being around others. Then that stopped due to injury and I became very exposed.

I had countless attempts at academia after not getting through uni after school / college. It was like walking through treacle for me.

 

[26mmmm]

Because, personally, I am. I am extremely relieved that I will die one day. One thing that pro lifers cannot counteract is the inevitability of death. I feel at ease knowing that, no matter what, I will be dead one day. No matter what, my pain will eventually come to an end. Yes, until then, I have to suffer but I'm extremely relieved that I wasn't born into a world where humans have figured out biological immortality and impose it upon every human being possible. I will be dead eventually and hence I will find peace eventually too.

I hate that I still have to suffer but I know that it won't be for long. Especially when I'm autistic and autistic people tend to have a significant lower average life expectancy than the average human. And I know that I will fit the trend instead of be the exception as there isn't really anything right that I can do beyond academics. I can't even get hired for basic entry level jobs due to how socially inept I am so I stand no chance to live in the world of work. I'm only alive now because of university and academia but, once this ends, my life will end too.

And that's what I like.. that my life will end too. It's one of the few things that keeps me sane in an insane world like this. I never wanted to live and suffer to begin with. I want peace, a permanent escape from life. There's nothing in life that I enjoy and there never has been

My ineptitude will cause me to die early and I want to die early. Only then can I truly be in peace

Accepting suicide brought me some relief. Im still clinging on to life with a bit of hope, hence im still suffering and don't really feel happy or at peace yet but the fact that I will soon, regardless of what happens, comforts me a bit.
I just can't fathom what it's like being actually happy or having peace right now tho, im just a bit happy that I'll be happy.
Its a weird state.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yeah, in my case, I shouldn't even reach age 30 as such a thing would be impossible for somebody with my brain even if pro lifers were to intervene. Aside from academics, I have no talents at all. When I say no talents, I literally mean it. I don't have ways to cope, I don't have resilience, I don't have determination, I dont have mental or physical strength.. I don't have the things that others do


i understand what this is like, for a very long time i had this mindset - but i wanted to tell you what i've been told, and maybe help you out with these feelings.

saying things like "it would be impossible for somebody with my brain" is not true, and don't roll your eyes at me yet. i do truly get it, i am a borderline and have said the same. i KNOW you truly feel that way, but i wanted to tell you that negative statements like these are what keep you from growth. tell yourself that recovery is possible, and that you are capable of this often. you can hardwire your brain and change how you are with time and effort. it isn't easy, but god, it makes life worth living and is SO worth it. death will come it is inevitable, in the mean time you might as well try your hardest to turn your life around and make the most out of it instead of be miserable for your remaining years. that isn't a good way to go out.

if you don't have any now, ways to cope can ALWAYS be learned. if you cannot afford therapy, here is a link to a CBT skills workbook. completely free.

https://www.hpft.nhs.uk/media/1655/wellbeing-team-cbt-workshop-booklet-2016.pdf

you also said you don't have resilience, determination, or mental/physical strength.

you live every day with a neurological disorder that many people struggle with a lot. that takes SO much mental and physical strength, and i am proud of you for doing so. you're a lot stronger than you realize.

take care and stay safe. i hope my words mean at least a little bit.

The point of my post wasn't to get recovery related advice. If it was I would have posted it in the recovery section instead of here. I was just venting about my life and how I hate that I have to suffer but, simultaneously, I'm relieved that I will get to be dead soon. I don't want growth or recovery. I just don't want to exist at all

 

[rxttingaway]

The point of my post wasn't to get recovery related advice. If it was I would have posted it in the recovery section instead of here. I was just venting about my life and how I hate that I have to suffer but, simultaneously, I'm relieved that I will get to be dead soon. I don't want growth or recovery. I just don't want to exist at all

i just was trying to help out. i understand that you weren't asking for advice, but i wanted to give mine because i've been stuck in a similar situation and i really just wanted to help you. i'm so sorry that you feel this way. i hope that you find the peace that you're looking for.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

i just was trying to help out. i understand that you weren't asking for advice, but i wanted to give mine because i've been stuck in a similar situation and i really just wanted to help you. i'm so sorry that you feel this way. i hope that you find the peace that you're looking for.

It's okay and thanks for understanding. Hope you get out of your situation no matter what path you take. And thank you for wishing me peace; I hope that you find peace too

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

After years of having chronic illnesses, I am beyond ready to just be done, to be at peace and free of these ailments. Even if there's still more pain and hardship I have to go through before that ultimate relief comes, at the end of the day I am just glad that it is inevitable and that it WILL end irregardless of if I find the courage to do it myself or not.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just feel trapped and tired, not relieved as death sadly seems like it's a distance away for me, it's very hellish how we cannot all just choose to easily die in peace. Not everyone has the privilege of being able to access reliable suicide methods in the first place which just shows what an evil world we exist in, I despise how this world is so anti-suicide.

 

[Linda]

I have long regarded the Grim Reaper as a friend, not an emeny. However, I would like to finish my life's work before I go, and I won't ctb while my husband is still alive, out of concern for him. To answer your question directly, yes, I will welcome death.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I just feel trapped and tired, not relieved as death sadly seems like it's a distance away for me, it's very hellish how we cannot all just choose to easily die in peace. Not everyone has the privilege of being able to access reliable suicide methods in the first place which just shows what an evil world we exist in, I despise how this world is so anti-suicide.

I relate to feeling trapped and tired. I wish that death could happen to us immediately. Life is so tiring and exhausting. I also wish that we could choose to die in peace but we can't because of pro lifers making it impossible to access peaceful suicide methods. I envy those who are dead; I just wish that we both can be among the dead as soon as possible. Hopefully you find that peace soon

 

[sserafim]

Yeah, I look forward to the fact that one day this will all end. Death is the only relief from the curse called life, it takes everyone, even against their will. Death is a permanent solution to a permanent problem (life itself, which we were all burdened with against our will). Death is a natural part of life, and I look forward to the fact that one day the struggle for survival will come to an end and that I'll finally be at peace. Personally I'm not going to live past 25, I would hate to have to enter my mid and late 20s and beyond.

I wish that we could stay in college/academia forever and never have to enter the real world. I wish that I could be an eternal student, I don't want to have to enter the workforce and become just another slave to capitalism and society. I would be okay with being in school forever (and never aging past 25).

 

[tbroken]

Yeah, I look forward to the fact that one day this will all end. Death is the only relief from the curse called life, it takes everyone, even against their will. Death is a permanent solution to a permanent problem (life itself, which we were all burdened with against our will). Death is a natural part of life, and I look forward to the fact that one day the struggle for survival will come to an end and that I'll finally be at peace. Personally I'm not going to live past 25, I would hate to have to enter my mid and late 20s.

I wish that we could stay in college/academia forever and never have to enter the real world. I wish that I could be an eternal student, I don't want to have to enter the workforce and become just another slave to capitalism and society. I would be okay with being in school forever (and never aging past 25).

These are more or less my thoughts, but my biggest fear is that even if you are a good and great person, things can really turn bad for you, if the fate decides so. I like to live on my own and enjoy only the company that i want and wont hurt me, have nice times and so on.

 

[VoidedExistence]

i will be relieved when i am dead

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yeah, I look forward to the fact that one day this will all end. Death is the only relief from the curse called life, it takes everyone, even against their will. Death is a permanent solution to a permanent problem (life itself, which we were all burdened with against our will). Death is a natural part of life, and I look forward to the fact that one day the struggle for survival will come to an end and that I'll finally be at peace. Personally I'm not going to live past 25, I would hate to have to enter my mid and late 20s and beyond.

I wish that we could stay in college/academia forever and never have to enter the real world. I wish that I could be an eternal student, I don't want to have to enter the workforce and become just another slave to capitalism and society. I would be okay with being in school forever (and never aging past 25).

I relate a lot to the first paragraph though I don't relate to part of your second paragraph. Whilst I do think that college sounds far nicer than work, I still wish that I didn't have to go through academia or work. I never really had any interest in anything so it's difficult for me to study when I find no point in it anyway. I honestly don't understand how many people do have interests in things to where they want to study it further. Either way, I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you take in the near future

 

[R_N]

I don't know anymore. It seems that how I view everything changes over time.

Things just are. Same with what we labeled as life and death. And we probably don't know as much as we think we do, like ever.