Is anybody considering making one last grand effort to improve their lives before CTB?

[DarknessAtNoon]

I have been struggling since I was a teenager to "fix" myself and my life but have always failed miserably. As the years go by, things have steadily worsened to the point where I am on the verge of reaching my breaking point. I am completely isolated and essentially living the life of a hermit on days I am not working. I abandoned all my friends years ago. I feel the time has come to definitively choose one of two options: CTB or make immediate, drastic changes to my life while reaching out to everyone I pushed away over the years. Being that I am already in my mid 30s without any social life whatsoever, I am pretty sure my odds of success in this course of action are minuscule, and it would only serve to delay my inevitable suicide.

I feel I have to make my decision very soon. Anybody else in a similar situation?

 

[Julgran]

I have been struggling since I was a teenager to "fix" myself and my life but have always failed miserably. As the years go by, things have steadily worsened to the point where I am on the verge of reaching my breaking point. I am completely isolated and essentially living the life of a hermit on days I am not working. I abandoned all my friends years ago. I feel the time has come to definitively choose one of two options: CTB or make immediate, drastic changes to my life while reaching out to everyone I pushed away over the years. Being that I am already in my mid 30s without any social life whatsoever, I am pretty sure my odds of success in this course of action are minuscule, and it would only serve to delay my inevitable suicide.

I feel I have to make my decision very soon.

You could look at your situation like "death is waiting for me, so I have nothing to lose in just making a small attempt at reconnecting with those old friends".

Do you still have some support network - like your parents, colleagues or students in class...?

Anybody else in a similar situation?

Indeed!

 

[helplessness]

I've tried but failed. Things will not get better in the foreseeable future. CTB is the only way out.

 

[Idontmatter]

I really tried to fix my self but failed miserably. I'm not fixable so I'm choosing death. I don't want anyone having to deal with me having to look at me.

 

[humaneyes__]

I can relate to your situation, and in particular to the state of isolation that you are experiencing. I am also in my early/mid thirties.

For my part, I have tried changing every significant aspect of my life and my surroundings, but the results are always the same: social isolation, unwantedness and rejection.

It might be insanity to do the same things over and over while expecting different results. But changing all your variables and getting the same output on every reiteration is sheer hopelessness.

I do not wish to influence your decision making process. I am using this space moreso to vent over shared points of frustration. Wishing you well.

 

[sleeps]

im in a similar spot. i feel like the effort it'd take to possibly make my life bearable is so huge that i'm just not up for it. i'm so tired of it all.

 

[makethepainstop]

Tried for decades to improve my life, failed. Now after 60+ years I have had enough!

 

[Lost Magic]

Nah, I've had enough decades. Waking up to another bloody day in this hell is just pure torment. I'm looking forward to my bus coming.

 

[Flying Away]

Been trying. Not working

 

[jodes2]

I live like a hermit too. I've decided not to try to fix myself but live broken until the time I can CTB in the distant future once my gf dies.

 

[SunshineAndSuicide]

I'm in the same situation. I've been trying to decide whether I should make one last effort, after several failed attempts, or just live like I am now for another year and then dip. I only work to pay off debt, eat, sleep repeat. It's quite horrible feeling stuck in this limbo and not having the energy to do something about it.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I tell myself I'm giving myself 6 months when my birthday comes around to try meaningful changes. But I don't really know how much I actually have the effort or will to change at this point. I think for me it will come down to whether I can reduce my standards and accept a lower quality of life than I had hoped for, or finally commit to suicide.

 

[DarknessAtNoon]

Do you still have some support network - like your parents, colleagues or students in class...?

I have family who Barely know me as a person due to my avoidant personality traits and one friend I keep in contact with. That's it. I know I was very well liked by my friends of the past but it's been 7-8 years since I've spoken to any of them.

 

[Venus13]

Yea, pulling all the stops fighting for my life. Very intense work to do at the end. I wanted to try before going so I'm doing just that.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I just don't know to be honest. I'm not sure I'll ever actually summon the courage to ctb- so it feels like I probably should make much more effort to improve my life- it's ghastly to think of just carrying on in this awful limbo.

Feels like my freelance career is coming to an end because it simply isn't financially viable- so a change is kind of compulsory soon. I'm just dreading all of it though. I've worked alone from home for 4 years now. I'm dreading having to interact with people again in some shit job. That's the trouble really- I can only see things getting worse.

Think it's a big dilemma for all of us really. I feel like 'recovery' would need to involve making new relationships/ re-establishing old ones. If ctb really is likely though- I don't see that being very fair on them. Sometimes it seems more convenient that I have lost touch with nearly everyone.

 

[standbyme]

Yup. Going into intensive outpatient care tomorrow. Maybe it'll work but I'm so grateful I have an escape in case it doesn't.

 

[lifeORdeath]

Not improve. Waiting to see if gonna go to crap worse more like it

 

[Mofreeko]

Nah. I've touched that hot stove enough to learn my lesson.

 

[SarRy]

I think I know what you're talking about, but I think you're thinking about it in a poor manner. As the saying goes, "You can always kill yourself tomorrow so, why not try everything else before then?"
You might not have to get back in touch with who you pushed away or fix everything you think went wrong. That's still being stuck in the old thinking. If you are truly willing to try anything, then why wouldn't you focus on what you possibly can do for what you actually do want?
I like the practical approach. Trying everything I can to reasonably make my life better by my own standards before I give up completely on hope. Personally, I'm fine with being a hermit. At least I'll know within a year if my efforts were successful or if I can't stand to be alive.

 

[EnnuiCat]

Some of us are just not cut out for this world. Even on my best days I'm just going through the motions of what others expect of me. I put walls between myself and others who profess to care for me. I'm 56. And oh how I've tried. I'm done trying. Nothing makes me happy anymore. The only thing keep me from not having already done it is this sense of guilt for those few people I'd leave behind whose lives I'd wreck. It just makes me resent them though.

 

[GlassAlwaysEmpty]

Everytime I try, something happens in my life to knock me all the way down again.
There's only so many times you can pick yourself up and try again. I'm too tired.

 

[Chronicillness]

I'm going to be taking a lot of major risks in the up and coming months. Whether they improve my life or not will be entirely left up to chance. The only choices I have left to improve my quality of life involve risky medical procedures. I either suffer inconcievably from doing nothing, or take risks that might improve my funtion, or conversely--completely eliminate the little bit of function that I have left

 

[sundown12]

yes, i found an avenue i would like to explore. if it doesn't work out, i'll just yeet myself out of here

 

[Obliviate]

I'm trying to for maybe a year or so but if it doesn't in the next 3 months bye bye for me

 

[Hirokami]

Here's what could stop me from ctb:
-Finding a therapist who understands
-Being in a relationship where I feel safe and valued rather than a burden
-Trying to reduce toxic people in my life

It's all easier said than done, though. I can try achieving these things within three years and see where things go. I already had my teens and half of my 20s taken from me; I'm not going to live like this in my 30s. I would prefer a life worth living over death, though I would prefer death over a life not worth living.

 

[crimson blue]

Yes, I am in a similar situation. Right now I'm making a lot of effort to improve my circumstances, but even if I succeed, I think I'll eventually kill myself because I'm so tired, I don't want to cry anymore, among other things. You are not alone, one step at a time.

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

i would but im essentially dickless as i have a legit medical micropenis , this cant be improved.

 

[SamTam33]

Tried for decades to improve my life, failed. Now after 60+ years I have had enough!

This is what I try to explain to people. After trying this life thing for decades upon decades upon decades - I've concluded that I don't like it.

You don't have to eat something 48 times to realize you don't like it. You don't have to watch 48 episodes of a TV show to realize it's not your cup of tea.

I understand encouraging a young person to keep trying, don't give up just yet. I don't agree necessarily, but I get it.

But when I'm a full blown adult with decades already under my belt, it's silly to think I might one day like life.

 

[magnog]

I have been struggling since I was a teenager to "fix" myself and my life but have always failed miserably. As the years go by, things have steadily worsened to the point where I am on the verge of reaching my breaking point. I am completely isolated and essentially living the life of a hermit on days I am not working. I abandoned all my friends years ago. I feel the time has come to definitively choose one of two options: CTB or make immediate, drastic changes to my life while reaching out to everyone I pushed away over the years. Being that I am already in my mid 30s without any social life whatsoever, I am pretty sure my odds of success in this course of action are minuscule, and it would only serve to delay my inevitable suicide.

I feel I have to make my decision very soon. Anybody else in a similar situation?

What kind of things do you currently do in a day? If your usual stimulation comes from consuming media quietly in your room in your spare time so you can stave off boredom and/or other feelings of frustration, what makes you think that "drastic and immediate changes" so you can fulfill the same frustrations but through a different, more social outlet would do you any favors at all?

By honestly analyzing why we do anything it would appear odd to see the option of "improving" one's life as being any different from doing what would be done by someone in your circumstances--after all, in both cases one would merely be accepting suffering and imperfectly trying to remove it in order to feel some inconsistent modicum of relief.

 

[RUPA]

Yes. That's what I have been doing for decades. When you reach a certain age, you got to realize this is what your life is supposed to be like in the first place, totally unrepairable, unsavable.
The one and only way to improve or change my life is to die and to be born again