I become nostalgic by watching animes from my time as a teenager. Death Note and Ghost in the Shell.
Though, there is a paradox. I liked the character Light, L, Motoko Kusanagi, Batou a lot. But none of them would watch anime as I do. As a teenager I always wanted to be a smartass like Light Yagami. Or I like the philosophical depth of the Gits characters.
I don't think the main characters would watch their own TV show where they are a part of. And it is ironic maybe I like them so much because they are so different to me. And you never see these anime character cleaning their room, washing clothes and involved in other nasty duties. In some sense I have the feeling adoration for ficitional characters has something naive. Though. I also like the writer David Foster Wallace and I never saw him cleaning the room. And sorry for the joke. Jordan Peterson always recommends to keep your room clean but have you seen the mess when you can actually see his house. The last one is a joke I hate him.
In Ghost in the Shell they are cyborgs. And they are pretty strong physically. In some ways that's cool. But they are cyborgs they don't have to go through hard and boring training. Actually, they probably were in training but you don't see that in the show. Maybe it is the thought. Actually, it would be pretty cool to be this strong, extremely smart and being in special force as agent. But in reality all of this would have to be your complete life. It would ruin your social life in most cases. It would eat you alive. The series is good because it gives you a look in a different reality. You can sympathize with the protagonists and take a look at a life that is more thrilling than your own. And you don't have to dedicate your life for it. Because if you had such a life it would consume your total free time and you were unable to watch shows like that. And you had to choose one show. Your own. And there will be up and downs. It will be hard work and in real life you often don't get rewarded.
Actually, I wanted to be as successful as Light in Death Note (school/college wise). Though, there is something weird. Light stops working his ass off in the show for his marks at school. Instead he uses his time to kill people with his Death Note. In the show he even emphasizes that he has no time to study. And still he has the best marks. Better than anyone else (except L). And this is in some way ridiculous and illogical. I don't know exams in Japan but a huge part will be memorizinhg stuff. And Light is more busy with wanting tto become emperor of the world instead of studying for his exams. It gives ou the feeling studying always was unnecessary for him. Even though it is portrayed as part of his character. That's illogical.
And you might notice it. I have thought much about all of this. As teenager I wanted to develop my identity and I tried to get cues about who I want to be by fictional characters. I have the feeling there is a lot psychologizing going on in Death Note. And the things the characters do are not actually smart. They are guessing a lot. And they are very certain with their predictions. They see pattern in things that could also be coincidence. But they are so certain in their predictions. And this is something that's also true for my character. I had to unlearn that when I realized I am on the autism spectrum. I think I tried to understand human beings by studying them. And Death Note gives insights in mind games. And I think I always considered that interesting. I don't think it shaped me completely but it strengthened certain patterns.
My personality fully changed with 15. I lost 35 kilograms and started working my ass off as teenager. I realized all the cool character I admire are never overweight. None of them. Instead overweight characters are target of mockery. They are never the protagonist of a story. And I wanted to be the main character in my story. I also started working my ass off. I think I came to some wrong conclusion. But I was in a mixed hypomanic episode and I was in so much pain. Actually, I never liked myself when I was a kid or teenager. I am not sure when the self-loathing started. My mom always beat me up it started with 5 and got way worse when I was in school with 7. I was always so scared to do something wrong and pressured me so much. I have been doing this to this day. I went through such a fucking nightmare. And I have developed nasty character traits. I am worshipping intelligence way too much. I am scared I have become a bully because I was bullied. And I look down at other people. I fear I am ignorant like my dad just a different flavour. I think I am quite similar to my dad. I am lazy when I am at home and with duties. I could elaborate more on the parallels but I want to make a different point. Before this mixed hypomanic episode started I did literally nothing. I watched trash TV with my mom, was mocked at in school, beaten up by my mom on a daily basis, I ate junk food every single day. I wasted money on cards, action figures and so on. There was no real passion. I think my special interest were Yugioh cards as kid. But I realized when I am older that capitalistic desires are often shallow. And I think this started my interest for a carrer and education. Though, I never like education for a good reason. For the actual purpose it should have. I rather saw it as mean for gaining power. I wanted to become a politician. Lol.
Personally, I like that I striving for something now. I will never achieve anything now because I am mentally way too unstable. I feel so much better since I quit college. In some ways I am again like my 14 years old me before the mixed hypomanic episode. I still hate duties. But this is the state I feel most comfortable with. I think my mind started a manic epsisode in school because I was unable to cope with all of the stress and pressure otherwise. My brain was in survival mode and still is. I think I am quite ill. My grandmother had severe bipolar and was hospitalized countless of times. Why do people like her procreate? Damn, I have to re-read all of this wall of text I think this thread might become 3 sentences long and not an autobiographic novel.
Though, there is a paradox. I liked the character Light, L, Motoko Kusanagi, Batou a lot. But none of them would watch anime as I do. As a teenager I always wanted to be a smartass like Light Yagami. Or I like the philosophical depth of the Gits characters.
I don't think the main characters would watch their own TV show where they are a part of. And it is ironic maybe I like them so much because they are so different to me. And you never see these anime character cleaning their room, washing clothes and involved in other nasty duties. In some sense I have the feeling adoration for ficitional characters has something naive. Though. I also like the writer David Foster Wallace and I never saw him cleaning the room. And sorry for the joke. Jordan Peterson always recommends to keep your room clean but have you seen the mess when you can actually see his house. The last one is a joke I hate him.
In Ghost in the Shell they are cyborgs. And they are pretty strong physically. In some ways that's cool. But they are cyborgs they don't have to go through hard and boring training. Actually, they probably were in training but you don't see that in the show. Maybe it is the thought. Actually, it would be pretty cool to be this strong, extremely smart and being in special force as agent. But in reality all of this would have to be your complete life. It would ruin your social life in most cases. It would eat you alive. The series is good because it gives you a look in a different reality. You can sympathize with the protagonists and take a look at a life that is more thrilling than your own. And you don't have to dedicate your life for it. Because if you had such a life it would consume your total free time and you were unable to watch shows like that. And you had to choose one show. Your own. And there will be up and downs. It will be hard work and in real life you often don't get rewarded.
Actually, I wanted to be as successful as Light in Death Note (school/college wise). Though, there is something weird. Light stops working his ass off in the show for his marks at school. Instead he uses his time to kill people with his Death Note. In the show he even emphasizes that he has no time to study. And still he has the best marks. Better than anyone else (except L). And this is in some way ridiculous and illogical. I don't know exams in Japan but a huge part will be memorizinhg stuff. And Light is more busy with wanting tto become emperor of the world instead of studying for his exams. It gives ou the feeling studying always was unnecessary for him. Even though it is portrayed as part of his character. That's illogical.
And you might notice it. I have thought much about all of this. As teenager I wanted to develop my identity and I tried to get cues about who I want to be by fictional characters. I have the feeling there is a lot psychologizing going on in Death Note. And the things the characters do are not actually smart. They are guessing a lot. And they are very certain with their predictions. They see pattern in things that could also be coincidence. But they are so certain in their predictions. And this is something that's also true for my character. I had to unlearn that when I realized I am on the autism spectrum. I think I tried to understand human beings by studying them. And Death Note gives insights in mind games. And I think I always considered that interesting. I don't think it shaped me completely but it strengthened certain patterns.
My personality fully changed with 15. I lost 35 kilograms and started working my ass off as teenager. I realized all the cool character I admire are never overweight. None of them. Instead overweight characters are target of mockery. They are never the protagonist of a story. And I wanted to be the main character in my story. I also started working my ass off. I think I came to some wrong conclusion. But I was in a mixed hypomanic episode and I was in so much pain. Actually, I never liked myself when I was a kid or teenager. I am not sure when the self-loathing started. My mom always beat me up it started with 5 and got way worse when I was in school with 7. I was always so scared to do something wrong and pressured me so much. I have been doing this to this day. I went through such a fucking nightmare. And I have developed nasty character traits. I am worshipping intelligence way too much. I am scared I have become a bully because I was bullied. And I look down at other people. I fear I am ignorant like my dad just a different flavour. I think I am quite similar to my dad. I am lazy when I am at home and with duties. I could elaborate more on the parallels but I want to make a different point. Before this mixed hypomanic episode started I did literally nothing. I watched trash TV with my mom, was mocked at in school, beaten up by my mom on a daily basis, I ate junk food every single day. I wasted money on cards, action figures and so on. There was no real passion. I think my special interest were Yugioh cards as kid. But I realized when I am older that capitalistic desires are often shallow. And I think this started my interest for a carrer and education. Though, I never like education for a good reason. For the actual purpose it should have. I rather saw it as mean for gaining power. I wanted to become a politician. Lol.
Personally, I like that I striving for something now. I will never achieve anything now because I am mentally way too unstable. I feel so much better since I quit college. In some ways I am again like my 14 years old me before the mixed hypomanic episode. I still hate duties. But this is the state I feel most comfortable with. I think my mind started a manic epsisode in school because I was unable to cope with all of the stress and pressure otherwise. My brain was in survival mode and still is. I think I am quite ill. My grandmother had severe bipolar and was hospitalized countless of times. Why do people like her procreate? Damn, I have to re-read all of this wall of text I think this thread might become 3 sentences long and not an autobiographic novel.
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