Venting Irrationally Angry

[willitpass]

I'm so angry right now for the most ridiculous reason. I've been microoverdosing on tylenol for days now, taking between 5000-6000mg/day. I think the most I took in one day was 6500mg. This is enough to be considered an overdose and cause liver damage if you do it consistently, but not enough to cause immediate alarm if I ended up in the hospital. I could say I've been in a lot of pain and lost track of how much I took rather than it be obvious it was an overdose. I'm not doing it to die necessarily, it's a self harm attempt as I have a weird obsession with severe self harm, but I wouldn't be angry if I end up with fatal irreversible liver failure either.

I've been doing it for days and I haven't seen any signs of anything wrong. I'm so angry. I know it makes no sense but I need to feel the pain. I need to know I'm hurting myself and I know it's probably still slowly doing a number on my liver but I want to feel the pain now. My head is a fucked up place. I want to be in severe pain and know that I'm doing irreversible damage to myself. It is a comfort to know I'm slowly inching closer to death with how I treat myself and so I'm angry that I can't feel it right now.