Venting Invalidated. Alone.

[untothedepths]

This will be my only vent thread. I promise. But it's something I can't let go. Everything I had in my life I used for coping and having hope has pretty much been taken from me. Friends, standing in the way of someone else's family without meaning to, and feeling like the person on the other side of the screen or in front of me is genuine and not someone with an objective to hurt me. I have been hurt so badly in so many ways, some very outlandish and unbelievable, I feel isolated. My outlet for creativity I feel is finally gone. A massive part of my identity eroded. Now that I've been used up, played with, and fucked up its time to put me back into isolation...or is it time to make the pain hurt even more? Is it time to twist the knife even more? I know I am not perfect but every part of me is screaming I don't deserve this, and if I do, I must really be that bad that I should just say goodbye.

Quietly. Silently. So no one else has to see or hear from me again. It's also not like I don't hate myself. Some number of years of failure. Even my birth brought terrible consequences to others I had no control over, but if I had not been born, maybe they would have been in a better place. I wonder what my family who touched me as a child were thinking? Maybe they were telling the truth when they said I was useless, a burden, and I should have never been born.

And I even sabotage it when people have tried to do nice things for me. I feel guilty given gifts, I have extreme anxiety and fears asking for anything or help. And I feel the worst going to happy parties or events like birthdays or weddings around so many happy people. I have to hide and just cry the entire time. I don't want to be there. I don't belong.

My intent has never been ill. I never wanted to hurt anyone, really. I never wanted to upset anyone. I never wanted to bother people. So this is it, I think. I don't think I'll get out of this emotion this time. It even hurts to wake up and exist.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Do you have any pets?
Sorry, I come across as blunt sometimes. I read it all and I resonate with a lot of it.

 

[tbroken]

Except for idiots, other people feel the same exact way that you feel, don' think that you are alone.
Unfortunately there are a lot of stupid and cruel ppl out there. I could not do much more, with the problems that I had, but I wished to.
Depression really drained all my energies and only running, studying and videogames healed it.
Now i'm at the starting point thanks to this freaked society and idiots and depression is destroying me once again.