Venting Introspection and low self worth

[Liamm]

Well... I tried. And im done. i have created a grand exit plan after having to unfriend my childhood friend for an insecurity of my wife.

Everything i do has been for her, this is for me. i was in a hospital this year for being suicidal, and i had to support her b/c of how hard that was on her. i open up to her and i've told her countless times that how she responds to me hurts my feelings but its the same everytime. yet she is insecure that i am closer to other friends than her. i try to understand, never yell nor react emotionally, and i respect what she asks everytime. But i don't have boundaries and if she asks it i do it no questions.

I introspect extensively which is good... However, i also hate myself. This is the main catalyst for my history of being walked all over like this. It is my fault. I used to be hit by my ex gf, and never stopped her. Told her it never hurt. my wife constantly emotionally hurts me but i keep my mouth shut to spare her feelings and to not make her angry with me.

I trapped my self b/c of my subconscious savior complex. All of my relationships have been with someone who has horrible mental health. I realize now, a little too late, that its because that is what im used to.

What the fuck, i am yapping. Im almost done.

21 years of my life i remained sober, i did not swear(i am serious), i prayed daily, i tried to read my bible, sought mentors and heard outside perspectives(i recently learned a lot of perspective at the mental hospital from a polytheist! That was actually interesting). i was a good boy. a good boy who loved everyone more than himself. and im done.

All of the knowledge and perspective i gained, i pompously believe is going to waste as i have never met another human on this planet as myself. One who is a. Willing to change b. Open to understanding outside perspectives. C. Empathetic first and foremost.

but it doesn't matter. i know i've touched hundreds of lives-- i was lucky enough to see them. And so my life is not my own alone. but in death, i hope to find sleep-- my only respite from day to day.

i am talking too much.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Honestly, the fact that your wife is forcing you to cut people out of your life just because she is insecure, along with her emotionally hurting you a lot, makes me think that you should try looking into separating from her. She sounds abusive and is likely only going to keep on dragging you down the longer with stay with her.

 

[Liamm]

Honestly, the fact that your wife is forcing you to cut people out of your life just because she is insecure, along with her emotionally hurting you a lot, makes me think that you should try looking into separating from her. She sounds abusive and is likely only going to keep on dragging you down the longer with stay with her.

Thank you for sharing. i don't want to separate, as i still love her and shes made it clear she would probably kill her self if i ever left. That as well as its a big "no" in my religion, something im unwilling to let go of. i am hypocritical, yes. But i wont be able to care about any of this if i am dead.

I have never heard anyone say this to me. Thank you for validating me, even though i refuse it. it seems as though all of the problems in our relationship is my fault, though i constantly change myself around her. i heard this so much i honestly thought i was just broken. it made no sense to me that everyone around me who knew me said i was such a good person, but my wife made me out to be the worst husband.

 

[WearyWanderer]

Thank you for sharing. i don't want to separate, as i still love her and shes made it clear she would probably kill her self if i ever left. That as well as its a big "no" in my religion, something im unwilling to let go of. i am hypocritical, yes. But i wont be able to care about any of this if i am dead.

I have never heard anyone say this to me. Thank you for validating me, even though i refuse it. it seems as though all of the problems in our relationship is my fault, though i constantly change myself around her. i heard this so much i honestly thought i was just broken. it made no sense to me that everyone around me who knew me said i was such a good person, but my wife made me out to be the worst husband.

I just want to let you know that no matter what you end up doing, you would not be responsible or at fault for your wife's actions. That decision is on her and her alone. Honestly that sounds like extremely toxic and abusive behavior to make a threat like that, I'm pretty sure it's textbook abusive behavior.

I understand that separating is seen as forbidden in your religion but wouldn't that still be better than feeling like you're forced to leave this Earth instead? :"(

I grew up religious myself so I can to some extent understand how deeply those types of beliefs are ingrained but at the same time I believe they can be extremely harmful because they cause spouses in abusive relationships to feel even more trapped in the cycles of abuse as if they can never escape.

And I'm not saying I personally believe it's a sin but wouldn't most religions consider CTB a "bigger" sin than divorce?

There's no need to apologize for sharing your thoughts here even if it's a lengthy post btw That's what the forum and members are here for is to help people feel heard.

Those sentences alone tell me that in your daily life even your general thoughts and feelings on things are likely being brushed aside, pushed away and dismissed and it's very sad that you're not in an environment where your side of the situation is just as greatly valued.

Forcing you to distance yourself from a childhood friend sounds like an isolation tactic to remove anyone in your life who you could possibly reach out to if you ever need to escape your wife. Frankly, I'm afraid maybe in the future when you have less support it possibly could turn physical. I really hope not but I want you to stay safe.

The relationship with your wife isn't a loving, true relationship if you can't even speak for fear of anger and retaliation.

The fact that you say you "don't have boundaries" is also very worrying to me. Everyone deserves to have boundaries and respect, those are pretty much cornerstones of any relationship whether romantic or friendly.

Please, please, I humbly and sincerely ask you to reconsider your possible paths here.

Yes, maybe you would be shunned or otherwise looked down on by family and friends if divorce is against your religion. But if you could replace those old relationships with new, healthy connections from people who respect you and are empathetic, willing to change and improve and open to other perspectives, couldn't that make it worth it in the end?

Because I promise you, there *are* people out there like the ones you describe in your post, they're just more difficult to find at times and also I think recognizing or meeting them might become easier once you learn your worth, how to stay up for yourself and set boundaries and stand your ground on those boundaries even when others try to push them down.

But sadly it doesn't sound like finding those things is going to be possible in your current situation/relationship. I just really hope you can figure out a way to escape without feeling like that requires having to escape life