Well... I tried. And im done. i have created a grand exit plan after having to unfriend my childhood friend for an insecurity of my wife.
Everything i do has been for her, this is for me. i was in a hospital this year for being suicidal, and i had to support her b/c of how hard that was on her. i open up to her and i've told her countless times that how she responds to me hurts my feelings but its the same everytime. yet she is insecure that i am closer to other friends than her. i try to understand, never yell nor react emotionally, and i respect what she asks everytime. But i don't have boundaries and if she asks it i do it no questions.
I introspect extensively which is good... However, i also hate myself. This is the main catalyst for my history of being walked all over like this. It is my fault. I used to be hit by my ex gf, and never stopped her. Told her it never hurt. my wife constantly emotionally hurts me but i keep my mouth shut to spare her feelings and to not make her angry with me.
I trapped my self b/c of my subconscious savior complex. All of my relationships have been with someone who has horrible mental health. I realize now, a little too late, that its because that is what im used to.
What the fuck, i am yapping. Im almost done.
21 years of my life i remained sober, i did not swear(i am serious), i prayed daily, i tried to read my bible, sought mentors and heard outside perspectives(i recently learned a lot of perspective at the mental hospital from a polytheist! That was actually interesting). i was a good boy. a good boy who loved everyone more than himself. and im done.
All of the knowledge and perspective i gained, i pompously believe is going to waste as i have never met another human on this planet as myself. One who is a. Willing to change b. Open to understanding outside perspectives. C. Empathetic first and foremost.
but it doesn't matter. i know i've touched hundreds of lives-- i was lucky enough to see them. And so my life is not my own alone. but in death, i hope to find sleep-- my only respite from day to day.
i am talking too much.
Everything i do has been for her, this is for me. i was in a hospital this year for being suicidal, and i had to support her b/c of how hard that was on her. i open up to her and i've told her countless times that how she responds to me hurts my feelings but its the same everytime. yet she is insecure that i am closer to other friends than her. i try to understand, never yell nor react emotionally, and i respect what she asks everytime. But i don't have boundaries and if she asks it i do it no questions.
I introspect extensively which is good... However, i also hate myself. This is the main catalyst for my history of being walked all over like this. It is my fault. I used to be hit by my ex gf, and never stopped her. Told her it never hurt. my wife constantly emotionally hurts me but i keep my mouth shut to spare her feelings and to not make her angry with me.
I trapped my self b/c of my subconscious savior complex. All of my relationships have been with someone who has horrible mental health. I realize now, a little too late, that its because that is what im used to.
What the fuck, i am yapping. Im almost done.
21 years of my life i remained sober, i did not swear(i am serious), i prayed daily, i tried to read my bible, sought mentors and heard outside perspectives(i recently learned a lot of perspective at the mental hospital from a polytheist! That was actually interesting). i was a good boy. a good boy who loved everyone more than himself. and im done.
All of the knowledge and perspective i gained, i pompously believe is going to waste as i have never met another human on this planet as myself. One who is a. Willing to change b. Open to understanding outside perspectives. C. Empathetic first and foremost.
but it doesn't matter. i know i've touched hundreds of lives-- i was lucky enough to see them. And so my life is not my own alone. but in death, i hope to find sleep-- my only respite from day to day.
i am talking too much.
