Introduction

[Sister of the Moon]

Hello everyone. I'm a long-time lurker who has just joined, mostly because of now having to be a member to see the posts that have brought me a sense of comfort for so long.
I was actually a lurker way back when newsgroups were a thing, lurking on alt.suicide.holiday and alt.suicide.methods. Having had suicidal ideation for so long, you may wonder how or why I'm still here. Well the answer is that I have no active plans as I have children who depend on me. There are times when I feel I can't go on but I always manage to push on through. I do however have things in place so that if I do get pushed over the edge, I can check out if necessary.

I had Covid in October and almost died from it. I remember being in hospital feeling my body shutting down and thinking about my dependent son, who is autistic, and what would happen to him. I realised then that I wanted to live and that was something of an epiphany. My childrens' father died last Christmas so I'm all they've got. It is so difficult to balance suicidal ideation with wanting to live for your children. I'm sure there are others here who have children and struggle with the same thoughts.

Anyhow, that's just my brief introduction. I don't know how much I will interact as I'm a very reserved person, but just wanted to say hello. Blessings to each and every one of you.

 

[FuneralCry]

Welcome. It is understandable wanting to stay alive for your children, but it must be a relief knowing you have a way to exit if things become unbearable. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

I'm with you and know your struggle more than you know. Way more than you know. Sending support.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I could not imagine the stress of raising yours kids, one with special needs, without support,

One thing that brings me some peace is that my husband is alive and an amazing dad. I was ruined by the Covid vaccine. So many have been ruined either by COVID or the vaccine itself. Before this, suicide was never a thought. I truly liked my life.

I'm hanging on as long as I can and like you, I now have my way out and knowing it is there and will hopefully be quick, painless, and discreet (God willing) helps me face the day. I wish everyone who desperately needed it had this same options.

If you ever need to talk, please PM.

I'm very curious to know what makes you believe that the covid vaccine has caused you and "so many" others to be suicidal. I have never heard anything about the vaccine having this effect and want to hear your take.

 

[summers]

@Sad Eyes Again bad shit happens all the time. You could be hit by a car crossing the street. I believe you truly care for your children, and thus should really have a plan in place for their care should something happen to you. Thinking about it on your covid death bed isn't going to do them any good. Life insurance, will, who will get them all needs to be sorted out now, whilst you're healthy and of sound mind. If not, you're leaving it in the hands of the state.

 

[Sister of the Moon]

@Sad Eyes Again bad shit happens all the time. You could be hit by a car crossing the street. I believe you truly care for your children, and thus should really have a plan in place for their care should something happen to you. Thinking about it on your covid death bed isn't going to do them any good. Life insurance, will, who will get them all needs to be sorted out now, whilst you're healthy and of sound mind. If not, you're leaving it in the hands of the state.

I had already made a will after their father died, I had asked my brother and his wife to be guardians. He told me it was better to have it in writing, so there it is. As for life insurance, I have tried to get it several times and been turned down. I have fibromyalgia which in and of itself is not life-threatening, but medically speaking it tends to go hand in hand with depression/anxiety, and there you go, I have the full deck and nobody will insure me.

 

[summers]

I had already made a will after their father died, I had asked my brother and his wife to be guardians. He told me it was better to have it in writing, so there it is. As for life insurance, I have tried to get it several times and been turned down. I have fibromyalgia which in and of itself is not life-threatening, but medically speaking it tends to go hand in hand with depression/anxiety, and there you go, I have the full deck and nobody will insure me.

Sorry, I got a completely different vibe from your op. About the insurance - What if you just don't mention the fibromyalgia? I doubt they would even look into that if you had some kind of accident.

 

[Sister of the Moon]

I'm with you and know your struggle more than you know. Way more than you know. Sending support.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I could not imagine the stress of raising yours kids, one with special needs, without support,

One thing that brings me some peace is that my husband is alive and an amazing dad. I was ruined by the Covid vaccine. So many have been ruined either by COVID or the vaccine itself. Before this, suicide was never a thought. I truly liked my life.

I'm hanging on as long as I can and like you, I now have my way out and knowing it is there and will hopefully be quick, painless, and discreet (God willing) helps me face the day. I wish everyone who desperately needed it had this same options.

If you ever need to talk, please PM.

Thank you, your post struck a chord with me, I was very touched. Sorry to hear you've been affected by the vaccine and I hope you can get better without having to resort to the ultimate way out. I'm not sure how many posts I need for PMs but I will PM you when I can.

Sorry, I got a completely different vibe from your op. About the insurance - What if you just don't mention the fibromyalgia? I doubt they would even look into that if you had some kind of accident.

They insist on a copy of medical records before accepting. I remember having to give permission for them to access them. And now my medical records are much worse because I was stupid enough to start popping black market benzos as a sleeping aid after the children's father passed away, got myself addicted to them, told the doctor and not only did she give me a bollocking, she has written "History of Drug Abuse" three times in my most recent records.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Welcome and I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here to such a place. Hopefully you can find some peace in being able lurk and speak freely when you need to :)

I understand how difficult it is to have conflicting feelings and feeling like you are living for others, especially those close to you! I'm glad you're staying alive for the sake of your children.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The way you phrased it…were you still together or was there a separation?

I know how difficult it can be to raise children as a single parent as I am the byproduct of this situation. No siblings.

Struggling with covid must have been such a surmounting obstacle and I'm glad you survived!

I am sorry for all of your struggles and difficulties and I hope live improves for you and all of us soon!

Wishing and bringing you good cheer! :D

<3

 

[Midgardsorm]

Be welcome. May you find comfort with us, many did.

I'm deeply sorry about your son's father. It's very difficult, especially in this date and now with all this restrictions and fear all we want is our loved ones to be safe.

I do not know the reasons that pulls you toward ctb. But I understand the feeling of living for someone dearly as I'm doing the same.

Anyway, welcome. This place is very heartwarming and very different of what the news said, of course

 

[Sister of the Moon]

Welcome and I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here to such a place. Hopefully you can find some peace in being able lurk and speak freely when you need to :)

I understand how difficult it is to have conflicting feelings and feeling like you are living for others, especially those close to you! I'm glad you're staying alive for the sake of your children.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The way you phrased it…were you still together or was there a separation?

I know how difficult it can be to raise children as a single parent as I am the byproduct of this situation. No siblings.

Struggling with covid must have been such a surmounting obstacle and I'm glad you survived!

I am sorry for all of your struggles and difficulties and I hope live improves for you and all of us soon!

Wishing and bringing you good cheer! :D

<3

Thank you for your warm welcome. To clarify the phrasing, I was not together with my children's father and hadn't been for several years. But although we lived apart, we remained good friends, and I took care of him in his final months and was with him as he took his last breath. The trauma of that has been, and remains difficult to deal with. It's not my only reason for feeling so hopeless though.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Thank you for your warm welcome. To clarify the phrasing, I was not together with my children's father and hadn't been for several years. But although we lived apart, we remained good friends, and I took care of him in his final months and was with him as he took his last breath. The trauma of that has been, and remains difficult to deal with. It's not my only reason for feeling so hopeless though.

I'm so sorry, I understand how traumatizing the death of someone so close can be.

My father died in an ICU and he died in my arms. I was still a child. I have CPTSD from various traumas in my life and I relate to you.

Was he sick with something too?

 

[Sister of the Moon]

I'm so sorry, I understand how traumatizing the death of someone so close can be.

My father died in an ICU and he died in my arms. I was still a child. I have CPTSD from various traumas in my life and I relate to you.

Was he sick with something too?

Sorry to hear about your traumas. I am not diagnosed with PTSD but I believe I fit the criteria. I just haven't sought help for it because my trauma is layer upon layer that dates back to early childhood, and I will never open up about it. Each trauma just piles upon the heap that's already in place. This is kind of how I have a gut feeling I will die by my own hand. Because I know things can never get better, and will inevitably get worse. There will come a time when it's all too much to bear.

Yes the children's father also had Covid, in June 2020, and although he was a heavy drinker, he still managed to go to work and do hard manual work every day. When Covid hit him, it hit hard and he suddenly was no longer to even walk a few metres without becoming breathless. He couldn't return to work and he sadly drank himself to death over a six month period. I have the guilt of not realising what he was doing, he just kept telling me all his symptoms were "long Covid" and I believed him.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Sorry to hear about your traumas. I am not diagnosed with PTSD but I believe I fit the criteria. I just haven't sought help for it because my trauma is layer upon layer that dates back to early childhood, and I will never open up about it. Each trauma just piles upon the heap that's already in place. This is kind of how I have a gut feeling I will die by my own hand. Because I know things can never get better, and will inevitably get worse. There will come a time when it's all too much to bear.

Yes the children's father also had Covid, in June 2020, and although he was a heavy drinker, he still managed to go to work and do hard manual work every day. When Covid hit him, it hit hard and he suddenly was no longer to even walk a few metres without becoming breathless. He couldn't return to work and he sadly drank himself to death over a six month period. I have the guilt of not realising what he was doing, he just kept telling me all his symptoms were "long Covid" and I believed him.

I cannot diagnose but you do seem to be carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders. It is a lot.

The situation with their father is remorseful. You aren't to blame for what someone does. You are innocent. Maybe your guilt is more empathetic towards him?

Water trickles little by little to turn a stone to a pebble.