Introduce yourself

[Inner]

Hello everyone,

I am Inner and I'm here because I'm suicidal (woah who would've known)! I am at a point where life is a coin toss; maybe I live, maybe I die. It is all dependent on how these upcoming seasons go regarding my mental health and treatment. I am giving myself until winter (~January). If I'm somehow still here by then, I'll probably be gone when I'm in my 30s or my parents are dead.

Anyways, besides that here are some interesting facts about me:

- I am a college student looking to become a nurse (RN). I want to work in psychiatric care.

- I am a history enthusiast (primarily 1900s-Present in regards to healthcare, space, and Cold War politics/early-post Cold War). Yes I had my World Wars phase.

- If I have the self-esteem I play bass guitar.

- I like 2000s-2010s alternative rock; primarily electronic rock, emo rock, industrial, pop punk, and hard rock. I also like hyperpop, scenecore, hip-hop/rap, and electronic dance music.

- My comfort show is My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

- My favorite video games are Silent Hill, Resident Evil, Battlefield, DS-era Pokémon, GameCube/Wii-era Super Mario.

- I am a skateboarder. I somehow lost my board recently so I'll have to replace that. Thank god I like running budget-oriented.

- I am a photographer who likes using niche equipment. For my primary I rock a LUMIX G7.

There is much more I could put but I'll spare you the details. I love talking so don't fret if you wanna strike up a conversation.

Much can be said about each user and their circumstances, and due to the nature of this forum, I believe it's appropriate to share my mental health struggles so you know where I'm coming from, especially in times of high distress. I have major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, gender dysphoria disorder, and an eating disorder (I rather not specify this one). I keep worrying I'm forgetting anything as I type this, but I'm pretty sure this is it. I have an upcoming bipolar assessment with my psychiatrist before we look at ketamine therapy or lithium since my antidepressants aren't working, so that'll be something.

I hope you found something funny, relatable, etc while taking this time out of your day/night to read my post. I greatly appreciate it.

Have a good rest of your day or night,

Inner (:

 

[No surprises]

18 years old, cisgender female

favorite character: Anton Chigurh, Tyler Durden

Used to be passionate about literature and philosophy, loved reading science fiction novels and watching sci-fi films. I did all that to improve my creative writing ability. Due to certain upheavals, I've had to give up these interests, but I've always held a deep, gnawing attachment to them, which to some degree reflects my personality.



You must be: pro-LGBTQ+, pro-suicide, the opposite of a patriot, a radical anti-natalist extremist, the kind who wants to ****(A verb that looks scary) every single person who voluntarily reproduces and everyone who supports reproduction.

Let me emphasize again: your fundamental values must align perfectly with mine, otherwise don't bother seeking me out.



How long I can accompany you is also hard to say; I might suicide soon. If you want to go together with me, that would be even better.



Below is a piece of garbage fiction I wrote. It might only help you understand my personality, because it truly holds no literary value.



laoda, while I was washing dishes, I came up with this story! I imagined that my autobiography would contain a dream sequence like this (it has to correspond to my experiences, so if taken out of context it might seem rather obscure). An officer meets a prisoner of war in a POW camp. While talking with the prisoner, the officer senses his great literary talent and saves him. He tells the prisoner, "From now on, your sole purpose in living is to write. If you don't write, I will kill you." The prisoner is fairly willing at heart, so he writes. One day, the prisoner falls and hits his head, and from then on loses his ability to write. The officer orders a subordinate to give him a bottle of poison, instructing the subordinate to kill him with poison regardless of whether he chooses to take his own life with it, and to tell neither the prisoner that his death is inevitable nor the officer how he actually died. Two months later, the officer comes to visit the prisoner's grave. He thinks to himself that he hopes the prisoner died because he lost his ability to write—so that he would have died for his dream. The officer finds that very beautiful and doesn't want to know the real cause of the prisoner's death. He lays a bouquet of flowers on the grave and then leaves.



What this story tries to express is, first, that after my cognitive impairment, I had this feeling that I had to die. That sense of urgency and obligation to die turned into an external force, just like how if the prisoner could no longer write, the officer would kill him. Then, whether the prisoner drinks the poison himself or is killed by the soldier—a force of inevitability—is a metaphor for whether I die for my dream or because I can't live a normal life (because dying for not being able to live a normal life is simply an inevitability, something anyone would do; right now, I'm dying because I can't live a normal life, not for my dream. To me, this robs it of much sublimity, whereas I feel dying for a dream is sublime). The officer hopes the prisoner died for his dream, which he would find beautiful, so he deliberately doesn't clarify the prisoner's true cause of death. This corresponds to how, in reality, I also have this feeling of not wanting to tell the difference. Actually, before I clearly figured out that logical problem I mentioned earlier, I was half-believing that my death was for my dream, but I still didn't dig deeper. Yet now, having figured out that my death isn't for my dream, it feels really stupid. Writing this plot now, I sort of want to explore: if one suspects that a certain beauty is merely an illusion, should one still investigate it deeply? Is it better to remain deceived for a lifetime, or to face the truth?

 

[passthisnote]

hello everyone, i am a 19yo male from the US. this will be my last year alive, and i plan to go right before my 20th birthday, as nothing past that really matters to me anymore. i like to watch anime, play visual novels, read manga, listen to music, doomscroll, play 3ds games, play roblox and minecraft, watch yt video essays, watch true crime, and basically just be a chronically online shut-in in my freetime. i really only listen to underground rappers like jaydes, bleood, lucy bedroque, hi-c, axxturel, summrs, osamason, xaviersobased, and others in that scene. i don't like to go outside at all, and i only do so to go to my shitty wage slave job. i guess i joined this forum just to vent and meet people, because obviously in real life, there's no one else to really talk about this kind of thing with. i don't have any connections in real life, not even with my own family, and only talk to people online. i would like to say i'm pretty open-minded, but i'm also pretty detached and bad at socializing. i may or may not be active on here, because i am usually busy with my own hobbies.

 

[strawberryshark]

i'm not sure what to say here. i'm currently in a nearly 20 year depression cycle. i've been declared med resistant and nothing feels like it's ever going to get better. my suicidal thoughts are with me 24/7. i think i've had enough. i've decided not to stay. i don't think anyone will miss me when i'm gone. i can't discuss any of my true feelings in therapy because they might send police and ambulance and put me on an involuntary hold. that's why i ended up here. i hope i find something here that can help me cope.

 

[Enyan]

Heya! I'm a cisgender female in my 30s and I've finally decided to join SaSu ♡ Have been lurking for a few months now, but I figured, hey, might as well!

While I've massively struggled with mental health in my teens and very early 20s (C-PTSD and depression due to a narcissistic mother as well as heavy bullying at school and in college), I eventually turned my life around after 21 and started to thrive. I dealt with massive fatigue which prevented me from doing much, but I learned to live with it (I figured out that it was due to the meds I was taking last year, when I stopped taking them, I felt much better). Found a long term partner, the love of my life, even though he's from another continent, and planned to move in with him and marry him soon.

And then... I had a very routine medical exam end of last year. Lumbar puncture. The puncture itself went well, but a few days afterwards I started getting massive headaches when standing. Then came the brain fog, memory issues, vision issues, mild hearing issues, stopped being able to concentrate on anything, whether that was movies, shows, music. I went to two hospitals, got diagnosed with chronic spinal fluid leak due to my puncture, finally got a blood patch, got even WORSE instead of better. Then I read up on the condition online and realize I'm absolutely f*cked. Almost no person who got treatment after months has ever been cured by the standard treatment. IF relief is there, it's usually brief (only for a few months). For the type of leak I have, the chance of me getting back to normal even with VERY expensive surgery that I can't afford is roughly 20%. I am in pain every day, unable to read much, unable to concentrate on shows well, unable to play games, crying night and day because why the hell did I do that exam. If I hadn't done that stupid thing? I'd be happy now. Preparing to see my partner again. Instead I'm actively gathering stuff to end things.

But enough about that. I love(d) drawing, art in general, kpop, anime, birdwatching, music, playing video games, coding, that kinda stuff. My fav anime is Made in Abyss.

Feel free to reach out to me if you want to! I might be slow to reply sometimes because of the brain fog, though. Any age range is fine.

 

[Yknot]

That's a heartbreaking introduction..

 

[TheLostAndFound]

Heya. I'm a 22 year old trans man, just turned 22 today, in fact. I like video games, drawing, crafts, getting high, and anything to do with animals. Life never got easier though, and prolly won't at this rate, haha. That's why I'm here, after all. This birthday sucks, but tbh it's what I deserve.

 

[iguazo falls]

Heya. I'm a 22 year old trans man, just turned 22 today, in fact. I like video games, drawing, crafts, getting high, and anything to do with animals. Life never got easier though, and prolly won't at this rate, haha. That's why I'm here, after all. This birthday sucks, but tbh it's what I deserve.

yo bro im a similar age and trans man too, i like drawing and im lowk kinda high rn. happy birthday man.

hello everyone, i am a 19yo male from the US. this will be my last year alive, and i plan to go right before my 20th birthday, as nothing past that really matters to me anymore. i like to watch anime, play visual novels, read manga, listen to music, doomscroll, play 3ds games, play roblox and minecraft, watch yt video essays, watch true crime, and basically just be a chronically online shut-in in my freetime. i really only listen to underground rappers like jaydes, bleood, lucy bedroque, hi-c, axxturel, summrs, osamason, xaviersobased, and others in that scene. i don't like to go outside at all, and i only do so to go to my shitty wage slave job. i guess i joined this forum just to vent and meet people, because obviously in real life, there's no one else to really talk about this kind of thing with. i don't have any connections in real life, not even with my own family, and only talk to people online. i would like to say i'm pretty open-minded, but i'm also pretty detached and bad at socializing. i may or may not be active on here, because i am usually busy with my own hobbies.

hi-c is so based nice man i like lsd radio stuff, yung bruh and similar soundcloud rap.

 

[tymiaomioa]

F25 here.

I like pretty much all games except horror. Right now I'm playing Don't Starve and Oxygen Not Included.

Music-wise, I'm into rap, house, R&B, and K-pop. I'm also learning how to write games, and I enjoy writing cult novels.

My favorite book is Dogra Magra, and my favorite TV show is Twin Peaks. Lately I've been reading more psychology, philosophy, and literature.

I don't want to talk about my mental illness or my family. I'm not here to vent. I can only solve my own problems myself.

After a failed CTB attempt and a partner pact that fell through completely, I've decided to go spend some time in Thailand. Sunbathing, soaking in the pool, joining activities—I've also been really into sound baths lately. Honestly, I feel like it's a very spiritual and free country.

My ultimate goal is still CTB, but I want to approach it with a positive mindset. And yes, feel free to reach out

 

[JimmyDean90125]

Jimmy
She/He/It
20, midwestern USA

the only reason i joined is to know what my options are

I hate still being stuck in my parent's house and sometimes I don't even feel like i'm a person

I just feel like i'm missing everything and i need to take some action before it completely ruins me

 

[raincandy_v]

i'm raincandy_v. 27 and lost. i never thought i'd make it past 25, definitely tried to not. Menhera since my younger teenage years. Just trying to find a way to make things bearable or just gentle.

until then, i'll just try to be kind. although it leads to me getting taken advantage of more often than not.

 

[acidbath881]

BORN TO DIE
WORLD IS A FUCK
お姉様 Fuck My Life 2026
I am suicide woman
410,757,864,530 DEAD DREAMS
I'm 22 years old and I started feeling suicidal at age 10, that never went away. I'm a blonde goth girl who loves industrial music, big boots, and watching Looney Tunes and getting high. I may seem edgy from my profile but I don't take things too seriously usually. I constantly tear myself down and I am my own worst enemy.
I study German and Japanese in my free time as well as drawing, I haven't done them lately because I'm depressed and just want to doomscroll. People tell me I'm smart but I feel retarded 24/7.

 

[Sakura.]

Hey, name is Lain(my favorite character) ,20s male.
（Apologies for the upcoming grammatical errors as English is not my native language.）

Since I don't have any friends in rl, I'm on the Internet every day.

Spoiler: my hobby:

• I like to roam the internet and visit various forums and posts, mostly "*chan" to supplement my social needs.
• I like to write articles, sometimes I get "blabber", but that's okay because the only reader is me.
• I don't like playing games very much, sometimes I play osu!, or solve puzzles on lichess, and occasionally play cytus II and sudoku when I can only use my mobile phone.
• I don't have a job, I just have nothing to do every day, I live with my family, and I hardly have any consumption except electricity bills. I spent all my money on computer hardware and now I have a NAS with unraid system and almost 100TB of storage. Running a lot of self-hosted services. So I can "forever" (while I'm alive) seeding all the .torrents I've ever downloaded, no longer dependent on commercial streaming platforms...
• I am also a data hoarder, I hoard a lot of files, IT technology learning materials, mirror favorite blogs (using wegt/httrack/IDM), all photos taken in life, leaked files (When rf and bf have not been closed .), BDMV of anime, archives of various materials and projects (such as infographics, /x/'s library, learning materials for skills such as origami/recipes/Magic Trick, etc.), but I am also like most data hoarders , just kept downloading, not reading them, but I think "downloading" is the fun in itself.
• Although I have some problems with my learning ability and memory ability, I still choose to learn programming because I think that if I am still alive in the future, then I must master a skill that can be used in employment to ensure my survival.

That's all my interests.

I live in a third world country, where "mental health" is still an area of lack of knowledge, and I am not good at venting, all negative emotions are backlogged in my heart. For me, if I want to survive, I must devote all my time and energy to these things that I may be interested in. Otherwise I'd be sad and anxious, and it's not a good feeling, and I can't bring myself to do anything.
But my situation is not so bad that I want to commit suicide urgently. I just have no motivation to live and no need to die. I just wait, wait for the arrangement of "fate", and then accept it.
I hope to gain some insight by browsing the posts so that when "that day" does come, make sure I know what I'm going to do. And to have a place to communicate with someone who can truly understand pain.

Hi, fellow Lain lover! Have a nice day!

 

[vexana]

in my 30s, i've had experienced enough with life and ready to catch the bus. tired of the rat race. i live as a failure and will die as a failure. forever haunted by the ghost of my past.

stumbled across this forum when looking for a method. am glad there's a pro-choice community in regards of suicide. nice to meet y'all~

 

[No surprises]

I don't know how to delete my previous posts, but this update removes the strict requirements regarding values and beliefs

18 years old, cisgender female
favorite character: Anton Chigurh, Tyler Durden
Used to be passionate about literature and philosophy, loved reading science fiction novels and watching sci-fi films. I did all that to improve my creative writing ability. Due to certain upheavals, I've had to give up these interests, but I've always held a deep, gnawing attachment to them, which to some degree reflects my personality.

I'm this kind of person：pro-LGBTQ+, pro-suicide, the opposite of a patriot, a radical anti-natalist extremist, the kind who wants to ****(A verb that looks scary) every single person who voluntarily reproduces and everyone who supports reproduction.

How long I can accompany you is also hard to say; I might suicide soon. If you want to go together with me, that would be even better.

Below is a piece of garbage fiction I wrote. It might only help you understand my personality, because it truly holds no literary value.

laoda, while I was washing dishes, I came up with this story! I imagined that my autobiography would contain a dream sequence like this (it has to correspond to my experiences, so if taken out of context it might seem rather obscure). An officer meets a prisoner of war in a POW camp. While talking with the prisoner, the officer senses his great literary talent and saves him. He tells the prisoner, "From now on, your sole purpose in living is to write. If you don't write, I will kill you." The prisoner is fairly willing at heart, so he writes. One day, the prisoner falls and hits his head, and from then on loses his ability to write. The officer orders a subordinate to give him a bottle of poison, instructing the subordinate to kill him with poison regardless of whether he chooses to take his own life with it, and to tell neither the prisoner that his death is inevitable nor the officer how he actually died. Two months later, the officer comes to visit the prisoner's grave. He thinks to himself that he hopes the prisoner died because he lost his ability to write—so that he would have died for his dream. The officer finds that very beautiful and doesn't want to know the real cause of the prisoner's death. He lays a bouquet of flowers on the grave and then leaves.

What this story tries to express is, first, that after my cognitive impairment, I had this feeling that I had to die. That sense of urgency and obligation to die turned into an external force, just like how if the prisoner could no longer write, the officer would kill him. Then, whether the prisoner drinks the poison himself or is killed by the soldier—a force of inevitability—is a metaphor for whether I die for my dream or because I can't live a normal life (because dying for not being able to live a normal life is simply an inevitability, something anyone would do; right now, I'm dying because I can't live a normal life, not for my dream. To me, this robs it of much sublimity, whereas I feel dying for a dream is sublime). The officer hopes the prisoner died for his dream, which he would find beautiful, so he deliberately doesn't clarify the prisoner's true cause of death. This corresponds to how, in reality, I also have this feeling of not wanting to tell the difference. Actually, before I clearly figured out that logical problem I mentioned earlier, I was half-believing that my death was for my dream, but I still didn't dig deeper. Yet now, having figured out that my death isn't for my dream, it feels really stupid. Writing this plot now, I sort of want to explore: if one suspects that a certain beauty is merely an illusion, should one still investigate it deeply? Is it better to remain deceived for a lifetime, or to face the truth?

 

[brainlessretard]

hii
im 21 and a neet. i'm bipolar and have bpd, suspected ptsd. i like hatsune miku and astronomy. i'm just hanging around while i save for SN.

 

[Absquatulate]

30+
Autistic, medicated depression. type-1 diabetic [insulin pump+ G7], having thoughts of suicide since age 11 or 12.

Sometime I doodle to pass time in my own "unique" way, or others have described it as such. I just call it doodling and it used to be me just drawing some lines and seeing what I would end up with. I'm a fan of manga and anime, Brandon Sanderson's the Cosmere, Futurama and BoJack Horseman.

 

[nightmare-receiver]

Hi guys. I won't give my name I guess, but my pronouns are he/him. (FTM) I'm 22 and from America. I've been struggling with these thoughts since 14, despite being hospitalized a few times and going through therapy. Medication helps, but I feel like it can only do so much for me. I'm going to try 7-12 week partial hospitalization, but if that doesn't help in a significant way then I think I'm out of options.

My personal issues (feel kind of weird sharing, but given where we are I guess I'll let myself) are biploar 2 and PTSD. Also being transgender, which sucks most of the time.

When I'm not in the trenches and have the ability to enjoy things, I like drawing, reading, playing video games, and writing fanfiction. (Cringe but who cares, least of my issues.) I love music and concerts, especially emo music. I also, more than anything, love spending time with my mom and my friends, they keep me going.

 

[vallak-0]

Idk if introductions are even are requirement or not but why not start here i guess:

You can call me Val (or whatever you like idc really) im 24, NEET, mentally disabled, homeless hoeless friendless schizo from germany.

Mentally a complete wreck left with no real support system since childhood. Spend more time in psychwards as a teen then not. Anti psych as in a system designed to lock away and eugenic away those suffering (especially any oppressed minoritiy group and women) is violence and most shrinks and therapists are the cops of the healthcare system. We need actual care and system change, not chemical lobotomies and incarceration.

I like music with my favourite genre being black metal. other genres range from electronic music (especially hardtekk, hardtechno, hardcore, schranz, uptempo etc), ska, (hardcore/crust) punk, most metal genres really, hiphop/rap, ambient, dungeon synth, rock/pop and more, pretty much anything lol

Before all energy got sucked out and ended up on the streets my hobbies where playing guitar, video games, going to (and organizing) concerts, festivals, raves and parties and crafts stuff(things like sewing/mending, dyi patches and merch, drawing etc)

Im looking forward to getting more of you to know althought my time on here will be limited as my bus goes after my final rave next saturday if everything goes according to plan (althought its probably going to be a shitshow instead of a last blast to the pass(ing))

Shine on, crazy diamonds!

 

[bluupup]

hey everyone, im bluupup or just bluu, I also go by strider. I'm 19, he/him and I don't do much in my life anymore. I like vaping ig

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

 

[boilingfishcakes]

Hello, I am boilingfishcakes but you can just call me fish . 24/F/USA.

My hobbies are cooking, photography, playing with older consoles and modding them, and watching birds. I used to live overseas for a few years and I enjoy trying foods from other countries. My favorite country to visit is China because of the food, the nature, and how kind the people are.

Spoiler: the bad and the ugly

I say that I am a housewife but I am just a neet with depression and anxiety so bad that I cannot leave my home let alone hold a job.
My issues are pretty extensive and I grew up in and out of foster care due to my family's violence. I've been to psych wards 20+ times since I was a child and I have even gotten kicked out of them.. (for the same reason I was put in one in the first place: suicide attempt). I was also homeless on and off throughout my teens until I was 21. I've tried to get help so many times and it feels like I just get spit in the face or nobody wants to talk about my problems unless it's a squeaky clean sanitized conversation where I can't be 100% honest, or I get locked up again. I also have chronic health issues and deal with a lot of pain that comes from these health issues.

Only reason why I haven't tried to ctb again is because I am sponsoring my husband's green card and I do not want to screw him over.

but yeah thats basically it . hi guys

 

[tomatobastard]

hii I'm an 18 F, i'm bipolar and autistic and usually i have bad social anxiety even online but for whatever reason this site doesn't make me as scared to say anything? I hope to at least make a few friends who understand me

 

[3dogsinatrenchcoat]

Hey there
I'm an autistic trans man on his mid 20's (pre T, pre everything except for social transition) and I studied a useless major in college, so as you could guess I haven't got a decent job in a while
I tried customer service/ retail but yeah... Socializing constantly sucks the soul out of me
I've been suicidal since childhood, not that I had a very challenging one, but this feeling that I "wasn't fit for living" has been there always. People used to tell me that never being able to hold a job or buying a house of my own were "irrational fears"
Now I found that they are very real.
As I said before, I'm not on HRT so I still get my period, and every single month my passive suicidal ideation gets not so passive for around 4 days
Cool, right?
Anyways, this place seems chill, thank you for the space for introducing ourselves

I'm also new lol so i can't dm yet sorry about that

 

[3dogsinatrenchcoat]

New user here, as well. I'll tell you how I navigated it the first day. Hope it helps!

The search bar hasn't appeared for me for awhile. I think I needed 5 posts for it to finally unlock. When it does, it appears in the top right corner next to "What's new" section, marked by a lightning.
Before that I used Google for searching specific topics and keywords on this site. You do this by typing:

site:sanctioned-suicide.net "insert topic you're interested in"

For example, if you already have a preferred method in mind you can search like this:

site:sanctioned-suicide.net "gun"

That usually proved to be enough for me. The key is to allow yourself to rabbithole yourself into different topics. It's kinda similar to opening an article on Wikipedia and jumping from topic to topic, while doing your research or merely following your curiosity.
However, users of this site are very helpful and thorough with their research, so I believe it won't be necessary. I rediscovered and re-adjusted methods I was interested in with 2 or 3 Google searches. Each thread ended up containing very detailed explanations in the very first few posts.

You're a lifesaver!!!
Wait... Should've thought of a better compliment
Thank you for the info

 

[shockvideos]

hi! I'm Travis, 19FtM, and I just found out about this through a friend. I really love music, as I love to learn about artists and what went into making tracks, I love to draw (if I have the motivation), and playing games like splatoon or deadlock. I've been depressed/suicidal since I was around 9. I struggled with various forms of self harm since I was 11. I tend to drink, cut or smoke. I hope I can meet similar people who struggle the same as me and find solace in it. I wish us all a good time here, whether it's our last or were going to keep kicking for a few more. love you all

 

[rachel_rayrayy]

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

Hi, you can call me Rachel, or Ray, either works. I'm (almost) 21 years old and generally somewhat at a loss on what to do with my life. I feel thoroughly empty most of the time, despite being on lexapro for a bit now. I suppose I'm open for pm's, if anyone feels like talking.. take care.

 

[Vera1997]

Hi,

New user here who has been lurking for a while before making an account. Thought I would introduce myself and tell a bit about my life story.

My hobbies are videogames, and mangas (Mainly isekais or yuri romance). That's it.

I mainly RPGs where I can be someone else, and forget the reality I am stuck in.

My favourite games are the Dark Souls games, including Elden Ring (ironic that I am here, considering those games are about overcoming all odds and succeding, but real life is not like fantasy, sadly)

I recently turned 29, and
I am KHHV (Tbh, I am glad I dont have a partner that would be sad to see me go) and friendless.

I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts since I was 14.

The reason is gender dysphoria.
I am MtF.

I was born in a muslim country, so I never had an opportunity to learn about trans people early on. By the time I figured out what my issue was, I was already in my 20s.

Since then, I have made an effort to leave the country for somewhere I could transition. I have cut contact with my family, who disowned me.

But while a lot of my trans peers were lucky to avoid a strong natal puberty, I was not. I do not pass despite years of HRT and surgery, and cannot really see any hope for the future.

Things would be simple if my issues were just the way society treats non-passing trans women, but unfortunately all my dysphoria is internalised.

I daydream about being a woman a lot. I wish I could paint my nails, dress in the clothes I want, wear jewelry & be fashionable like the women I see everyday, but its hard when your body is actively working against that and you can't look at it in a mirror without breaking down in tears.

On top of that, I cannot sing. I used to love singing as a child before my voice dropped due to male puberty.

I have tried to love myself and my body, but its impossible. I simply cannot delude myself into thinking I am beautiful. Every woman I see irl makes me more & more depressed, especially in summer when the streets are filled with beautiful women.

There is only so much "it will get better" or "you just have to accept your body" I can take from therapists. Its been clear for years that things won't get better, and they didn't.

Dysphoria has robbed me of my past and present, and I don't think there will be a future for me either.

Im just happy there is a place where I can atleast figure out how to CTB. If I couldn't choose the sex I was born in, I would atleast like to leave this life in my own terms.

 

[dinkledee]

Hi everyone, I'm a new user and I'm happy to be here.

I'm dinkledee, F25 (26 in august), living in the netherlands.i have been passively suicidal for as long as I can remember- I didn't expect to live past 18. I've never really had anything I enjoyed (even if I think back to my childhood, I didn't really have hobbies or interests). I've been struggling with self harm since I was 11, and haven't really had a clean period since..

I had a really abusive family growing up and I was finally able to escape them at 19. For a while I was "ok"- I still wanted to die but I stayed because I had hopes for the future- escaping my family wouldve allowed me to see the future better (Perhaps if I did everything everyone expects someone to, things would get better) These suicidal thoughts never left, and have only gotten stronger by the day.

I'm often told that I'm smart but stupid. Smart in the sense of being booksmart, I have a masters degree in psychology, I do really well at uni or at work.. but I'm stupid when it comes to social things. I haven't managed to keep any of my friendships and romantic relationships- and although I'm good at work, I also manage to fuck up professional relationships and I'm unable to hold down a job. Right now I'm a NEET. So I'm great at self sabotage.

lm tired of the whole idea that things get better if you try. I don't enjoy being sad and living my life sad. I did almost everything I was supposed to (going to traditional and alternative therapy, taking medication, trying to make friends, going to the gym, exploring potential hobbies, figuring out who I am) and yet I still feel the way I do... Each time I visit a therapist they always tell me that there's hope and I think that's bullshit.

These past couple of months I've been oscillating between feeling absolutely everything and absolutely nothing. I believe I've also lost all hope and I have no motivation to do anything anymore. So I've stopped lurking here and now I've decided to join Sasu... So here I am! I'm happy that a place like this exists, because I really don't need to hear another person tell me it gets better. I just want to hear(read) from other people who relate to this sentiment.

Nice to meet y'all :)

 

[StupiderJuniper]

Hi!!!!!! My name is juniper, Im an 18 year old trans girl. I like certain games (deltarune!!) and music (femtanyl,,). I also really like to bake stuff, and enjoy the topic of chemistry (what im mostly studying in uni,,,). I sometimes crochet (if i have motivation obv) and write stuff. I also really like SCP stuff, i fucking love going through random articles,,,

For the more serious stuff ig, life's been very unstable but i feel like giving up as of recently. Being raised in an abusive religious environment (religious school yipee) with little freedom really ruined me (especially because i never got and still havent treated for some really bad things). I was also harmed really badly physically and sexually by some people, and it led to years of suicidal thoughts, my sh issues, and eventual first attempt during my first year of uni,,. I barely functioned. being trans and ace really fucking sucks when practically everyone you know from the start of your life hates it. However I had a few good months during 2026 (latter half of my 1st year of uni) where I secretly started hrt and found some really good friends who i trust (and kinda am really envious of), but I got found out by my parents around april and irreversibly ruined. Being given a few months of heaven before being put into hell kinda just shattered me. Im out of my house and in a dorm rn, they still try to stalk and harass me tho. They made me fail my spring classes because I was so terrified of leaving my house (im usually an A/A+ student so that really sucks,,,) I also had a really horrible job interview that made me pretty much lost all hope lol. While Im really hoping for a job so i dont ever have to return, if nothing gets better tho im content with CTB sometime in august. I would feel bad for my friends, so maybe i wont, idk. Maybe I will try to seek out and start therapy if i can afford it.

Anyways I hope to have a nice time here :3 I hope everyone reading this has a good night.