Introduce yourself

[PlasticLife]

don't worry~ :) People here are very welcoming and kind to one another~ :) After all, we've experienced very negative events in our own lives~ :( If anyone is ever racist to you, pls make sure to report it, so that the mods can handle it~ :)
Anyways, I'm really sorry to hear about how awful your family treats you and that you also failed your last attempt at your exams~ :( I hope you are still able to get better, as you were trying to do, in spite of these immense setbacks~ >_< if you don't think they'll laugh at you, maybe you can try to get back in contact with your old high school friends~ :) if you haven't stayed in touch, it's possible that one of them failed too, and you can cooperate in regards to what to do now~ :)

Thanks! ^^
I did check up on them a few days before on Instagram and it seems all of them are in top universities either here or abroad.

 

[edsnicolas01]

Hello everyone, my name is Nicolas, I am 28 years old, I have been depressed for some time, I have lost many loved ones in recent years, I have difficulty sleeping well, I have had 5 ts, I have many health problems too, I no longer have anyone around me, and I live alone. These last few months I have been fighting against depression as best I can, it is not easy every day, I want to give up and give up, but sometimes a light revives me. I come to this forum to discuss my adventure

 

[terribleson15]

Hello everyone. 19 year old guy from
Sweden here. Ever since I was young I've felt disconnected from everybody else, I've always found that there's something wrong with me and all these bad things keep on happening to me, I feel so alone and I hate myself so much, my personality, looks and everything else. All I ever wanted was to live a normal life. I also want to be and feel loved by someone else than my parents, but maybe it isn't for me. Anyways, as of right now I'm unemployed, so I only go to the gym, maybe talk to a friend of mine sometimes, I don't really do much. Maybe there's a bit more to me but eh who cares this is getting to long for anyone to care :D

//Matheo

 

[WorldsEndFriend]

WorldsEndFriend, female, I work as a billing specialist. Ah, well I lurked here for a while, too shy to post, but I have now I guess. I like to 'escape', in eating sushi, roleplaying with AI, making songs with AI. Making my characters sing is a huge thrill. Some people hate AI, and I get it, but it's helping me to distract from pain. I used to roleplay a lot, that was great, mosty I focus on myself now, solitary. I also really like skincare, it's self soothing.

Oh yeah, and I like to sing a lot. I sing or listen to music to block out negative thoughts to prevent from really painful loneliness or depression.

 

[CTB set me free]

Hi, I'm a 36 year old male that has had ME/CFS for about 5 and half years and haven't worked for that amount of time. I had one serious attempt to CTB in October 2023 swallowing somewhere between 200-300 non enteric-coated asprin based off an LD50 and a case report of someone who managed to CTB this way. The case report said the guy didn't get medical treatment until 8 hours after ingestion and they couldn't reverse the salycilate poising and he died. I tried to mimic this because I wanted to CTB but I didn't want my family to find my body. I felt like I was about to pass out around the 4 to 5 hour mark so I called EMT and hoped enough time had passed to where my salycilate poisoning wouldn't be reversible. They took a couple hours to decide what to do since charcoal was out of the question since I absorbed all the asprin by that time. They had to call poison control so I thought that might buy me time until they could start haemodialysis. I figured my poisoning would be irreversible. They gave me a 50/50 chance of survival and I was pretty sure I was gonna die since I had a hardcore DMT like hallucination which made me think that my brain was officially shutting down. Unfortunately I came to 2 days later and am still here. BTW, I definitely would not recommend CTB via asprin and I wish I would have found this website beforehand. Asprin poisoning is an unbelievably long irritating process and the ear ringing is super annoying before you pass out, or rather blackout and act out.

Hii! I'm a 20yo from India (bracing for racist comments).

I have been having thoughts of ending my life for quite some time now. Reason being several, my social life, my parents, and my education. I graduated from high-school in 2023. Since then, have been at home because I am a lazy idiot who cannot study for the life of me, and as a result failed my entrance exams. They are a really big deal here, basically decide your entire life. Everyone had very high expectations for me. So of course, I took a gap year. Failed again. Had lied to everyone of being prepared. Abandoned all of my irl friends out of shame and fear of ridicule (January 2024). Haven't talked to them since. Deleted my WhatsApp too. Decided to take another gap year (last attempt possible) and decided to go to a coaching centre so that I am consistent and also joined a gym to improve myself physically. Had to diet and count calories and macros, but my mom wouldn't cook for me, which is fair, I can cook for myself, so I did, except if was met with contempt ("rotting away in the kitchen like a loser") and a lot of yelling, tired of it, I went to my room to watch some recipes, my dad barged in, allegedly to give me some juice he had prepared, but upon seeing me watch recipes, started yelling at me, I told him to go out several times because I couldn't take the yelling anymore, he didn't, so I pushed him out. This hurt his ego so much that he went to the police to report me for domestic abuse, lying to them saying, "my son beats me", for whatever reason they didn't buy his story so nothing happened to me but this incident broke me and I lost all motivation to improve myself. My gym membership also ran out. This was in October of last year. I've been rotting away in my room since. Also failed my exams again. Last attempt botched. I have no future anymore. No universities to go to. No friends to vent to since I abandoned them all and they've moved much further in life. Nothing to look forward to. Parents who hate me and pretend to care. Nothing to live for.

Anyway, I might've overshared, or maybe not, who knows? This is a platform where we discuss suicide anyway. But this is my introduction. Nice to meet you everyone.

I'd say if you want a chance at life, you need to try to move out ASAP since being in that environment will eventually eat away at you until even the most brutal forms of CTB will seem like a good idea. But I understand how hard it is to try motivate yourself when it seem like there is nothing to look forward too. At the very least you need some sort of outlet or escape. Perhaps you could try lucid dreaming since waking life sucks at the moment. Maybe not the best advice since lucid dreaming can be hard for a lot of people. Anyways I hope your situation improves.

Hello everyone, my name is Nicolas, I am 28 years old, I have been depressed for some time, I have lost many loved ones in recent years, I have difficulty sleeping well, I have had 5 ts, I have many health problems too, I no longer have anyone around me, and I live alone. These last few months I have been fighting against depression as best I can, it is not easy every day, I want to give up and give up, but sometimes a light revives me. I come to this forum to discuss my adventure

Perhaps this is unsolicited advice, but I'd say depending on where you live, it would probably be good to get full body direct sun exposure in the morning (not through a window). This could improve your ability to sleep by correcting your circadian rhythm and potentially help with some aspects of depression by getting pure natural Vitamin D. I hope that light that revives you on occasion grows brighter.

 

[_Maya]

Heyo, I'm maya. I'm a 19 transgender female. I'm hispanic, but was born in the united states.
I don't do much. I write, play games, listen to a lot of music, and occasionally self harm.
I really like metric, red vox, that handsome devil, Madilyn mei, and other music artists.
and yeah, thats it really.

 

[sei_fragen]

Hello, I am a male, mid30s, from EU. I never had a girlfriend (yes, in almost 40 years of life) because I am ugly and short and the loneliness as well as societal contempt has become too much to bear.
What kept me alive so far is a combination of procrastination (been occasionally lurking here for ~2 years) and being too much of a pussy to kill myself violently. Fear of death used to be a factor too but nowadays I am more scared to live up to 50-60yo alone than to die. Death will happen anyways, and whatever would happen between now and my natural death is not worth living.
Aside from that I like video games I guess.
EDIT: Grammar

 

[Dayrain]

Hi,

Hello, welcome. "CTB set me free", has a nice ring to it.

 

[soulchaser_]

hi im 18. I have honestly been hurt by so many people in my life I doubt good people exist. I am also severely addicted to drugs ever since I turned 15, although I've been always trying to stay sober. Been failing a shit ton though. Im sober right now dont know for how long. I also got a fucked up family and I doubt my future. Thats all

 

[uniqueid]

Hey everyone,

I'm brand new but damn right I beat you to the uniqueid haha

Anyways, I'm very grateful for discovering this site and like minded people. My ["31, male"] default max age was 50, till things got worse and the very next second is my absolute max if all went according to plan (or should I say no plan). English isn't my native so please allow…

I'm on the "we lack resources" front and researching like the case of Alan Turing (just a flex: I once understood how the Turing machine worked so needless to say I'm a big fan and just fyi he was ordered to take "anti-gay" injection) I ended up with apple seeds about $30 worth of them and apparently if done right (I.e.: crushed well and ingested in one sitting) takes under 30 minutes.

Now that's very appealing to me, and would solve my unimaginable problems that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy…the thing is I will definitely panic as I've already tried paracetamol overdose and ended up puking and at the ER and no courage as far as I went was having a noose around my neck or threatening myself with occasional impulsive behaviors like trying to crush my head under a bus but I just cannot bring myself to inflict pain upon myself… everything else is just non stop thoughts, sorry for my rigmarole and correct me if I'm wrong but this method couldn't be as easy as it sounds, does it?

I would like to be as discrete as possible so I don't want to panic; any ideas assuming my frontier would be appropriated.


Apparently I have high pain threshold genetically but this doesn't mean I don't experience pain twice more than the average human because I do and I have more phobias than one can count. How painful is it going to be, do I need to travel to major cities to hopefully secure something illicit to help with (and that wouldn't even be easy for me in all aspects you can think of) or alcohol would be enough?

I'm high on euphoria thinking about this and I don't even produce dopamine haha, so I get as drunk as possible then start shoving them down my throat, will I feel any pain at all or just drift away?? What does panicking look like when drunk? How hard is it to ingest ~250 crushed seeds? With alcohol? Any tips todos before to minimize discomfort as much as possible? Also raise your hands if I uplifted your moods just a bit with this seemingly easy solution! Adios ;)

hi im 18. I have honestly been hurt by so many people in my life I doubt good people exist. I am also severely addicted to drugs ever since I turned 15, although I've been always trying to stay sober. Been failing a shit ton though. Im sober right now dont know for how long. I also got a fucked up family and I doubt my future. Thats all

Good people exist dear. Have you tried mindfulness meditation and practicing sports like martial arts? You will know in the first five minutes if it's for you and probably is! Addiction is all in your head and if you don't distract yourself when you do feel like relapsing you probably will (average craving lasts 7 minutes or so with proper distraction rather than entertaining the thought). Is it hard drugs or?

If so, my method is smoke weed and be lazy for a week or so and then swap with alcohol for a couple of days and sleep off the hangover and don't look back. Also you don't have to take advices and I suggest you be the reasonable one in your family, they abuse you somehow? Make a habit to walk out silently in the middle of a shouting match for instance and don't think about it till you cooldown and even then try to move on if making it known how you feel doesn't get across.

18 is too young be selfish, think about the benefits they bring to the table and install within yourself the need to see what the world would look like in a decade or so also fuck. Anxiety? Know that you could end it all under a day if you invested, just keep that at the back of your head as far as going through with it is your choice but make it your absolute last resort and even being a druggy could give you a different perspective in life but if pain is unbearable then vent to someone or the internet as much as possible and still hold off as long as you can. Life is a bitch!! Trust me you probably have more means than I ever did at 30 now, (probably!!!), I even have "introspection anxiety" where I'm afraid of myself and self reflection a fairly recent development though on top of developmental issues that are genetic (I.e. you probably make more adult decisions than I). I could imagine shit so if you feel like talking I'm all ears ;) sorry for the rigmarole hahaha

 

[FinishingTouches]

Hi there,

I am walking mental health disaster. I don't like anything anymore really, just lay in the bed or take night walks, sometimes barely eating for weeks. My chosen way is SN, just researching antiemetics now.

 

[uniqueid]

Sooo… How bad is it really that I completely wiped out close to 10k photos from my google photos account, irreplaceable memories, I didn't knew my dad and everything I so consistently stored about him and my entire family (I was the cameraman all the time) everything you could think of, important documents that will play huge roles if I get a chance to live, memories my dead aunties photos that I thought I would surprise my cousin with memories people actually reach out because of them to see them, all gone. I always felt naked but right this moment I feel maximum naked and lonely, the only upside being I was in complete control for a moment, I regret I did it I also regret I couldn't have send it to somebody (yes unable to). Everything! Still I couldn't bring myself to harm myself oh no, I was handed responsibilities and expectations beyond my capacity and what I did was actually peanuts compared to what life has offered. In fact these photos were the only valuable thing I possessed, someone with resources please fly out to where I am (Sweden) and let's do it together. Please. If I continue to live this will hunt me for life, you have no idea I was saving photos since 2011. I'm devastated and still I am the only one to blame, devastated I didn't how else to channel my pain and emotions I cried all the time. Fuck man how could people be this evil??? How????! Flesh and blood. I did signed my death warrant just no way to carry it out, just so fucking sad. I was manually selecting them when every fiber in my body was saying not to, I thought I was impulsive in not I just maxed the fuck out you have no idea, I've literally lost everything as far as I am concerned but my feelings have always been a mere suggestions because people have invested in me without really me having a say but what they really invested on was their own expectations which I consistently failed at. I don't want my worst enemies to be this scared. Obviously you can read the mental breakdown from the wall of text, wish me whatever
tdlr;

I wiped out 10k photos, irreplaceable memories attempting to a momentary control and it just made me feel 1000x worse. Don't do things impulsively, Adios!

 

[zilchtheoaf]

Hi. I'm 20, going on 21, FtM, East Coast US. I've been lurking on and off since join date, mainly only to look at firearm threads, but I'm trying to make an effort to become more social. I'm kind of a NEET (lack of a better term) at the moment, and put myself as deep into isolation as I could last year, and while I've gotten back into the swing of things with close friends, I've lost just about all ability to speak with strangers to an embarrassing point, I don't even use social media anymore besides for dming friends. So, while I'm still trying to make and follow a stable plan, I figured I might as well try putting myself out there somewhere. :P

I like the internet, indie video games, a few non-indie video games, old consoles, electronics, and web design. I love cats, I dabble in art mainly as a hobby. I like music like anyone else, but I mainly stick to a specific few of artists, which are mainly Tyler, The Creator, TV Girl, and Femtanyl. Very random selection, I know. I'm kinda in an extended gap year, and trying to figure out how to actually get into college so I have something to live for again. I also spend way too much time watching videos.

I'm here because it brings me a weird sense of peace to be able to research and speaking with likeminded people about methods when I'm feeling incredibly low, which has been happening a lot lately. I don't want to get too into it, I've just had my fair share of weird and hurtful things happening to me that I don't feel like elaborating, along with my current events looking a little bad, but it's chill it's fine not even worried about it. :)

So yeah that's it, Bye I guess idk :P

 

[shion]

hello ^^ im 18M. i'm a japanese-american boy living with my mom. scorpio isfp-t. i love japan rock and thai drama. i have autism and i haven't been diangnosed with other things, but i definitely have more and people have suspected BPD. i have always been so drained of love. basically, my x account got suspended and i've been trying to appeal it since may but now it says it doesn't exist and i have no life without it.. an ex-friend also has all my merch from my favorite bands, he promised to return it but never did. and my ex.. she was my first friend and first love but every time people left me an manipulated me it made a scar, and i was broken after her and everyone else. i posted her private pictures and said some bad things to her but today i wish i could take it all back. her family is saying im the reason shes dead yet shes the one i love the most. i only have one friend and we're not even that close. no bf. and my family is disappointed in me because i have an ongoing court case for a threat. everyone is harassing me and even if i am kind to them, they send fake friends after me. i wish to take my memories into my next life, because life was beautiful when my ex was there. here, i am looking for attempting advices since i'm really lost in how to do it, and i can possibly make friends.

hello ^^ im 18M. i'm a japanese-american boy living with my mom. scorpio isfp-t. i love japan rock and thai drama. i have autism and i haven't been diangnosed with other things, but i definitely have more and people have suspected BPD. i have always been so drained of love. basically, my x account got suspended and i've been trying to appeal it since may but now it says it doesn't exist and i have no life without it.. an ex-friend also has all my merch from my favorite bands, he promised to return it but never did. and my ex.. she was my first friend and first love but every time people left me an manipulated me it made a scar, and i was broken after her and everyone else. i posted her private pictures and said some bad things to her but today i wish i could take it all back. her family is saying im the reason shes dead yet shes the one i love the most. my life changed when she came and after she left, and i started losing interest in a lot of things and getting tired. i only have one friend and we're not even that close. no bf. and my family is disappointed in me because i have an ongoing court case for a threat. everyone is harassing me and even if i am kind to them, they send fake friends after me. i wish to take my memories into my next life, because life was beautiful when my ex was there. here, i am looking for attempting advices since i'm really lost in how to do it, and i can possibly make friends.

 

[DeathIsJustAJourney]

Death

 

[darksouls]

Death

this is the shortest introduction I have ever read

 

[Abyss Dweller]

Hi,

33y old guy here. Mom died when I was 5 due to cancer, my relationship with my father is not ideal. I'm sure it is to him but he once told me not to say 'I love you' anymore to him because he doesn't believe it. Another time he was near me drunk and asked the rhetorical question of 'why is God punishing me with such a child?'. The latter wasn't that many years ago..

As far as I know science is not conclusive on the nature vs nurture thing here. I don't know if I was born fucked up or it is how I was raised. It seems like according to person-centered therapy for most people it is mostly nurture. Don't know. Don't know if it matters at all.

Had 1 serious attempt of hanging when I was 17 and a not so serious a bit later. Was cutting myself through high school.
I got IBS like symptoms early 20s don't remember much of it honestly but I do remember it wasn't pleasant..
A psychologist did help with it eventually.

Didn't have much success with girls and I was kind of alone my entire life. Have a few good friends still hanging around though.

Went back to a different psychologist a few years ago when I thought one of my last friends will abbandon me which made me physically ill. I couldn't sleep or eat for a week. I just felt that I'll be lonely forever.

Meanwhile all of this I managed to fry my brain with the new drug: porn. I went to my first psychiatrist 2 years ago. First we tried Lexapro which made me sleep all day but nothing else (I do kind of miss that though). Then we tried Zoloft which did absolutely nothing and nor did Xanax. I guess I have some kind of alien brain.

I'll try a new psychiatrist this Friday with my current problems but I'm honestly a bit tired of it all.

I'll have a tonsillectomy in a few weeks I'm thinking a bit that if I start bleeding afterwards I just won't call an ambulance.. but probably would be a painful way to go. But at least people would think it was an accident.

Unsure why I'm still here.. I have some faint hope that maybe some mental health professional can really help or put me on a drug that does something..
I'm also kind of interested in AI and a bit on the hype train and I'm interested where it will go. Especially with all this talk of AGI. Wouldn't be the best to miss it because I CTB'd.

 

[ankawannadie]

Hello, I'll condense my introduction into a spoiler like some others have as I didn't expect to write this much.

Spoiler: My introduction

22M. Dealt with OCD my whole life, which would later explode into severe OCD in middle school. I ended up developing social anxiety + general anxiety + depression, panic disorder, PTSD, and other things I can't even remember along the way. As for my history with OCD, I was a hypochondriac, had general health OCD, somatic OCD, and scrupulosity. I forgot how to blink automatically, which caused me to develop dry eyes and be in constant eye pain. After I was able to overcome it, I thought I was developing glaucoma so the eye pain persisted. It was supposed to be all mental until I actually developed severe astigmatism and am extremely sensitive to lights, have contrast issues, double vision, starbursts, and poor vision overall. My eyes have been burning and in pain for the past decade.

When I was just beginning to accept my circumstances and starting to look forward to life, several horrible things would happen in the same week. My skin got messed up after going to the dermatologist, my tooth chipped, scrupulosity became worse after an unfortunate interaction, etc. Now I'm scared of looking at my own face, eating, and essentially everything else in life. It seems that every time I try to improve, I end up getting punished. Any time I make a minor mistake, I'm punished horribly for it. I don't believe in a specific religion but it feels like god or something else is watching me and is actively making me suffer. I'm not sure what to believe in anymore. After being scared of death my whole life and it being the original source of my problems, I now look forward to death and am open to the idea of liberating myself in the following months.

As a former social media addict spending 12+ hours a day doom scrolling reddit and literally looking at the same posts, these days I can't even do that. I find Sasu to be a much better place to idle and relax than spend time on other sites that have ruined my life. As for my hobbies, I used to have a drawing hobby until my eye problems took them away. But I'd like to still doodle even if my drawings are now horrible. I also like listening to music, particularly relaxing OSTs and some vocaloid, and usually spend my entire day listening to it while daydreaming. I've had tinnitus my entire life, and more recently my left ear seems to be getting worse though it doesn't matter at this point. I'd like to at least make some terrible songs before I probably CTB. Also, I love reading manga centered on life like REAL.

I'm open to chatting or something. Just took another look at my face and yeah I'm probably not going to be on earth for too long. Looking to do anything for a little while before reality sinks in and my feelings mature more. And sorry if my grammar is terrible. OCD took away my ability to write and develop proper writing and grammar skills.

 

[Gotz Sergious Arno]

Hi name is Sergios or Gotz if you want to call me that.
Fun fact the name Gotz actually comes from an actual German knight who lived hundred of years ago and has a similar backstory to Guts from the Berserk manga.
However was what very interesting was that the creator of the Berserk manga only heard about the story of Gotz after he created Guts from Berserk.

Chose the name since I like it.

I'd like to talk to people here about crime stories or idk talking about physics or about time machines. Or I don't know find someone to study with I guess.

I'm kind of like George Carlin, sort of the type of guy who wants to see a disaster just unfold through a TV screen.


If anyone wants to talk some crazy conspiracy shit like Diddy or Epstein or like a shitty crime podcast like RottenMango, why not.

 

[EternalShore]

Hello, I'll condense my introduction into a spoiler like some others have as I didn't expect to write this much.

Spoiler: My introduction

22M. Dealt with OCD my whole life, which would later explode into severe OCD in middle school. I ended up developing social anxiety + general anxiety + depression, panic disorder, PTSD, and other things I can't even remember along the way. As for my history with OCD, I was a hypochondriac, had general health OCD, somatic OCD, and scrupulosity. I forgot how to blink automatically, which caused me to develop dry eyes and be in constant eye pain. After I was able to overcome it, I thought I was developing glaucoma so the eye pain persisted. It was supposed to be all mental until I actually developed severe astigmatism and am extremely sensitive to lights, have contrast issues, double vision, starbursts, and poor vision overall. My eyes have been burning and in pain for the past decade.

When I was just beginning to accept my circumstances and starting to look forward to life, several horrible things would happen in the same week. My skin got messed up after going to the dermatologist, my tooth chipped, scrupulosity became worse after an unfortunate interaction, etc. Now I'm scared of looking at my own face, eating, and essentially everything else in life. It seems that every time I try to improve, I end up getting punished. Any time I make a minor mistake, I'm punished horribly for it. I don't believe in a specific religion but it feels like god or something else is watching me and is actively making me suffer. I'm not sure what to believe in anymore. After being scared of death my whole life and it being the original source of my problems, I now look forward to death and am open to the idea of liberating myself in the following months.

As a former social media addict spending 12+ hours a day doom scrolling reddit and literally looking at the same posts, these days I can't even do that. I find Sasu to be a much better place to idle and relax than spend time on other sites that have ruined my life. As for my hobbies, I used to have a drawing hobby until my eye problems took them away. But I'd like to still doodle even if my drawings are now horrible. I also like listening to music, particularly relaxing OSTs and some vocaloid, and usually spend my entire day listening to it while daydreaming. I've had tinnitus my entire life, and more recently my left ear seems to be getting worse though it doesn't matter at this point. I'd like to at least make some terrible songs before I probably CTB. Also, I love reading manga centered on life like REAL.

I'm open to chatting or something. Just took another look at my face and yeah I'm probably not going to be on earth for too long. Looking to do anything for a little while before reality sinks in and my feelings mature more. And sorry if my grammar is terrible. OCD took away my ability to write and develop proper writing and grammar skills.

Welcome to SS, ankawannadie! ^_^ I'm sorry you're here~ :( I hope you can find nice and welcoming people to chat with while you are here~ :) People here are much kinder than on Reddit and other sites that have becoming increasingly like it~ I'm very sorry to hear about all the physical pain and mental disorders you have to struggle with in your life~ :( While my own struggles don't intersect too much with yours, I have no irl friends either, and I also have a chipped tooth and hate eating as well~ >_< it sucks how when you finally got used to everything tho, life just had to knock you down even further! :( how frustrating~ >_< life can just be so cruel like that~ >_<

Hi name is Sergios or Gotz if you want to call me that.
Fun fact the name Gotz actually comes from an actual German knight who lived hundred of years ago and has a similar backstory to Guts from the Berserk manga.
However was what very interesting was that the creator of the Berserk manga only heard about the story of Gotz after he created Guts from Berserk.

Chose the name since I like it.

I'd like to talk to people here about crime stories or idk talking about physics or about time machines. Or I don't know find someone to study with I guess.

I'm kind of like George Carlin, sort of the type of guy who wants to see a disaster just unfold through a TV screen.


If anyone wants to talk some crazy conspiracy shit like Diddy or Epstein or like a shitty crime podcast like RottenMango, why not.

Welcome Gotz! ^_^ I'm sure that the board, Off-Topic, and particularly its sub-board "Politics & Philosophy" would welcome you well! :) In fact, there's already an Epstein thread I believe there! :) altho, its name is mostly to garner attention rather than being true unfortunately~ :( You can can create another if you wish~ :)

 

[Eternal Disaster]

Hey everyone,
I am 18 years old female living in a fu*ked up country. I have lost three people from my family who actually loved me to death. My 'life' ended when my mom died 4 years ago and now I feel like a zombie. My father is a narcissistic and a horrible monster his mere presence gives me anxiety. He cannot accept that a piece of shit created by him can be severely depressed as it will bring him shame. He is a liar and a selfish person. I faced verbal and emotional abuse all my life. Now I am numb. I cannot cry anymore. I have no future, dreams , ambitions and similar shit. I will CTB whenever I have the opportunity to do so.

 

[mangoastronaut]

Hey y'all! I'm a 26 year old enby from the United States.

I guess before I lost all joy I'd be reading, writing, skateboarding, bookbinding, doing yoga, making zines, and playing video games. Now, though, if I'm not working I'm usually lying around watching TV. The only things keeping me around are my two elderly cats and my beautiful, sexy, intelligent partner. Don't really have friends outside of them, so hopefully we can be friends and talk about our problems openly without judgement or negative consequences.

 

[spoiledberry]

hello everyone im a 20 yo black girl from america. ive been lurking here for a few weeks now. i feel like my despair is quite common. the world is so awful and there is nothing i can do to fix it. im hated and judged and ignored bc of my race and gender and age. i grew up sheltered and in a strict educational household so experiencing how awful the world can be firsthand has been jarring to say the least. and knowing that i haven't even experienced the worst of it yet makes me all the more fearful. everything is so scary to me and all i want to do is stay in my room and sleep forever. my fear is debilitating as i have the tendency to catastrophize. but how could i not with the state of the world?

 

[westerly_merlin]

On the surface it is hard to see why I have joined this forum, I am a guy in his late fifties that has a good job, a nice home, wife, son, and is on the whole doing ok.

However, what lies beneath is a maelstrom of doubt, low self esteem and general self loathing. The only reason I have accomplished what I have, is because I have constantly judged myself as unworthy, lazy and 'could do better'. This has been the pattern since my teens and everything I have achieved has been less than the standard I set for myself, on the outside it means I look like I am "achieving" but the cost to my soul is excruciating as I am aways striving to do better but never ever get to the place I should be.

Anyways, last year I screwed up and it caused a domino effect that ended up with me getting arrested for something I didn't do. That just validated every thought I had about myself and I emotionally imploded, attempted to exit and at the very last minute panicked and asked for help. Apparently 50 years of suppressing and burying feelings does not make them go away!

 

[Cosmophobic]

Hello people. Right...might as be brutally honest here.

38m. I'm here because I'm making long term plans to ctb. I don't want to do it while my mother is still alive as I don't think she could handle it.

I feel like I've been depressed since day one. I've always been afraid and I absolutely allowed that fear to shape my life. The fear turned to OCD obsessions at various points throughout my life and that's when I'd usually seek help. First therapist at 8 years old. First hospitilization at 17. First (and only) attempt at around 20.

I've been rotting away at home for close to 20 years now. I get a disability payment for depression. I've never even sought employment. It's quite pathetic. I have no energy, no ambition, no direction and no hope. I do basic chores around the house, walk the dog and run errands in order to appear semi-functional and avoid the dead end of therapy/hospitilization. The rest of the time is spent listening to music and doomscrolling or just sleeping. I fucking love sleeping. I used to enjoy reading but I can't focus anymore. I used to enjoy gaming but it was tied to smoking shit tons of weed and I quit out of sheer disgust with myself.

Anhedonia isn't great but it's what I deserve.

Somehow I do have a few friends but I resent them. I'd prefer to be left to rot.

Absolutely useless and cowardly human being.

I think my suicide note will consist of the classic Simpsons quote "Remember me as a drain on society!" and nothing else.

 

[tooBadTooLate]

Hey ya'll, trans girl from Thailand here. I've been depressed for the last couple of years and I feel like a burden on my family with all the psychiatrist appointments and my alcoholism. I've got all I wanted--booze, guitars, games, but I've never really felt loved. My dad says that he cares about me and loves me, but I believe that's an act--right now, I'm closeted, but if he ever finds out I think he'd do everything to make me feel like I've been decieved--for something I've discovered about myself. I've got poor social skills, no job, and gotten myself into a mental wreck, but all he does is complain on and on about things instead of actually listening to his child. I doubt he knows that he's engaging in emotional neglect, but regardless I'm completely convinced that he's doing it.

Oh yeah, I play music. I like Nickelback, seriously.

 

[nool]

Heya, I'm nool. I'm a 22yr old enby (they/them). I enjoy gaming, drawing, reading, and listening to music, though I rarely do the first three due to low energy. I have a cat. I'm most likely on the spectrum, but I'm not going to persue a diagnosis for personal reasons. I've had depression since I was around 10, and it morphed into wanting to not want to be alive around 12, so I've been riding these waves for nearly half my life now.

I am a NEET, but plan on catching the bus before I get a job or anything. My home life isn't good, but I'm thankful to have basic necessities. I grew up in a kinda-hostile environment where screaming matches between family members were common. I am damaged beyond repair, hence why I want to catch the bus. Yes, I've tried therapy and medication. I've been hospitalized as well. But I've accepted that I will go on my own terms and soon.

Thank you all for reading,
nool out

 

[Syriancel]

I'm 26 year old Syrian loser who lives in Saudi Arabia.
I hate my life but I'm sticking around for my family and because I'm not miserable enough to commit suicide -yet-.

 

[A.A]

Am F in my late 30s, I was initially here making my way through all the FAQs and megathreads, so you can imagine how long I was reading for, I made very few posts and have been away for awhile. Although I'm a Targeted Individual that is not the main reason I would like to ctb, I'm not sure how to type about the main reasons here though they are not very complicated, I just feel it is best to go. I'm interested in talking about methods but I would like to engage with the forum more beforehand and to talk to more people but I'm not sure how to really do that, anyway it's nice to meet you all and I hope you are doing well.

 

[Spite]

Hello. I am Spite.

27-years-old, and have lived in Australia my whole life. I've known about this forum for some time, but I only decided to join today. From what I've observed through reading others' posts, I think I will fit right in here. I do have a story and I'm willing to tell how I have ended up here, which I have included in the spoiler tab below:

Spoiler: My Story

I feel like I've been the ugly duckling for as long as I can remember. I've always been the social reject. The outcast. The awkward loser nobody likes. I have lived through most of my life without friends or any other meaningful connections with people. I'm autistic (high-functioning), and unfortunately this made me a huge target for bullying all throughout my school years. I was bullied relentlessly and I was probably the most unpopular and unlikable person in my whole school. I'm pretty sure I have some form of CPTSD from my years in school, and I still to this day live with trauma as a consequence of everything I went through.

I also came from an abusive home growing up. Many of my core childhood memories are of myself being terrified of my father. I used to hide from my father by either crawling under my bed or hiding behind the garden shed in our backyard. My father would often abuse my mother, and sometimes, though less often, he would abuse me.

I am estranged from my entire paternal family - something that broke my heart when they collectively told me that I was a mistake and that they wanted nothing to do with me anymore. The only "family" I have is my mother and my maternal grandparents.

I have practically no friends. A very small number of Internet friends from around the world who I write to but I have never met in-person, and maybe two people IRL who I would consider a "friend", but even then, I don't see them often at all. Maybe 3-5 times a year. They're busy and they have their own lives.

Currently I live alone in a small, run-down unit, and I am stuck working a dead-end job earning close to minimum wage. My job makes me miserable and all of my co-workers hate me. I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I have cried on my drive home from an awful day at work. Whenever I'm not at work, I sit in my house alone with all the lights off and all the curtains drawn - the only light in the entire house is my computer screen. I just sit in this dark room all by myself, uninterrupted, for hours and hours. It's what I'm most used to.

I have never seriously attempted to CTB, but I have lived with persistent thoughts and urges of wanting to CTB ever since I was about 14-years-old. I was involuntarily committed one time after an incident that happened three years ago where I had a mental breakdown and publicly threatened to kill myself. I was detained and placed in a mental hospital on suicide watch for one week, which was a horrible experience. After that, they let me go, but I had to do two years of therapy. While it was nice to have somebody to talk to (my therapist), I feel like I didn't get much out of my sessions. I'm still depressed. I still feel hopeless. I feel like my life is a cruel joke.

I think about CTB every day. I feel like after everything I have been through, that my life is not worth living. I've suffered for so long. Sometimes I look back on how horrible my life has been and all I can say to myself is "I can't believe this is my life".

Asides from all that, and on a more positive note, my interests include video games (especially platformer games and puzzle games), watching cartoons/anime, listening to music (especially abstract/experimental music), surfing the web, and reading about mysterious things like lost media and unsolved crimes.

Thank you so much for reading everything, if you did. I feel like I have very few things worth living for, but I'm trying every day to find the positives and hold on to them, even if it's not much.