Hey all. Not sure what to say, exactly. I guess I'm "Locked" for purposes here. I'm 56/m/USA. I think for some time I'm probably going to be doing much more reading than posting, at least until I'm ready. Actually, I have already read many posts. So many young people with so many different reasons for being here. No judgment from me. We all have our own cross to bear. If this post isn't acceptable for this Introduction thread, I apologize, and please just delete it and maybe I can try again.
For a little background, I've thought about CTB [that's a new acronym I didn't know until reading the posts on SS (another new acronym)] for quite some time, probably better than 20 years. I've never actually tried, though. Until a little over a year ago, my mother was still alive, and I knew she needed me to help her. There was no one else to help her and she was always a great mom to me. I loved, and love, her as much as any son could. She was the last one left in my family. Over the past three years, every single person in my family, has died. Granted, I had a small family in the area where I live, but my sister died, my cousin, who was like a brother I never had, died, my last aunt by blood, died, my cousin's sister died. That was everyone. My dad died 20 years ago. Being single with no children, they were the only members of my very small world. I really don't have any friends, which is probably my fault mostly. So, I guess, what I'm saying is that I'm about as alone as anyone could be. Five or six weeks go by sometimes without even getting a phone call, and then only a robocall most often. I have one distant cousin in the area, but she is married and has her own life. I don't hear from her often. Now, to be honest, even when my mother was alive, about the only phone calls I did get were from her. My sister and cousins weren't very many years older than me right now when they died. They all had somebody to help them, including me, when they were approaching death. My mother had me to help her during the last months of her life at home, although I don't really think I was as good as I should have been. I have been helping my mom for the past 20 to 25 years really, in order for her to stay in her home. So, she had me. But being alone, I know I'm not going to have anyone, and, frankly, that's a little scary, especially if I get an illness of some kind. I know that, often, around my age, lots of things can start happening with regards to health. I don't like the idea of that happening being alone. That certainly isn't anything to look forward to.
Even before I could do any CTB, I've got things that I have to take are of, like getting my mother's estate completely settled and then I have to take care of my own things, like get a will made, things like that. I need to make sure that whatever I do have goes to something worthwhile like St. Jude's Children Hospital. or Shriner's, or something like that. It's going to take a while, but hey, I've managed to hang in there for the past 20 years or so. But, the reason for me hanging around is gone now. My days are all the same, my nights are all the same, every day is the same as the one before it. Alone. It hasn't changed in 25 years and I have no hope that it will. It isn't just the alone thing, though. I don't have any serious diseases right now that I know of, and the only mental disease that I have, I guess, is depression, but there are some other "things" that factor into the depression that I don't want to get into, at least right now. Let's just say a great deal of "inner turmoil" I've been experiencing from at least my early teens. Maybe as I post, or respond to posts, "ideas" of what might be the root of this inner turmoil might come to light. Both my parents were as good as anyone could have asked for, and basically, so was my childhood. I don't drink or do drugs, so that's not it. I was never abused. I don't have any "criminal" inclinations nor have I done any criminal acts. I don't want to talk to any therapists, and I will never take any psychiatric medications. A therapist, on their best day, could never understand what it is like to walk in my shoes. Well ,maybe there's a few out there that could, but I still don't want to talk to any of them and hear that things can get better and all that jazz. I'm not sure how I want to CTB, but I do know several ways that I won't. I'll finalize that when I'm ready and have done more research. Painless would be nice. Guess I'm a coward that way.
So, that's it for now. I'll be lurking around here whenever I get the chance and will eventually post, or respond to posts, when I feel I may have something meaningful to offer. I think I can certainly offer something on being alone, at least. I think have that market cornered.
Anyway, it's really nice to be here and I'm glad I found this place. Thanks for reading my rant and may peace find each and every soul on this forum.
