Introduce yourself

[TowerUpright]

I'm a 40-ish year old, living in the South (not deep) of the US. I've been lurking on the forum for a while and eventually decided to be part of the conversation. I've been dealing with major depression and moderate anxiety for years.. No, decades. I've always felt down as long as I can remember. I've tried to CTB multiple times, including a serious attempt at 11 years old. Most reason was a couple of years ago.

I hold in well externally (multiple meds help with that), but inside, I've had a hurricane in me, especially as I get older. I look back on my life choices and have an extreme amount of regret: my marriage, my faith, etc. I feel bad even mentioning this to everyone - from the outside it appears great: I have a loving wife of 20 years, multiple kids, secure job that I enjoy that pays pretty well. I bet there are plenty of people even on this site who ask what's so wrong about that. But, let me tell you it is.

I came to a 'conversion' 21 years ago, when I became a Christian. Yes, one of those. Met my wife, who is a left-leaning Christian, but still strongly Evangelical. She's definitely an outcast in church from most other people: too left for the right and too right for the left. Fast-forward 20 years, and three kids later - the 'conversion' wore off. Internally, I don't consider myself a Christian anymore. I don't have any faith left and I strongly wonder whether or not I simply experiences things to meet someone so I wouldn't be lonely.

I'm at a point now where I get anxious and stay depressed anytime I'm home (as in, anywhere but work). My wife loves me very much and it would devastate her if I even brought any of this up with her. She has had serious trauma in her past and one of the major things she values in her life is me, a convert, in as a husband.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have no intention at all of divorce / separation. Couple therapy is out of the question (seriously - have you looked at Christian therapists? don't.) My children are all under 16 and I'm really the sole provider for everyone. I have tried to CTB as recently as a couple of years ago in a way that would be undetectable to practically all doctors (and has been to this day, although I know there are suspicions about my hospitalization). If I was caught, I'd likely get fired from my job and if I CTB in a way that's detectable as suicide, I'm not certain how life insurance would work, if at all. Not to mention the trauma of having your husband / dad kill himself. If he died by unknown causes / accident, it's less of a stigma. So, here I am, looking forward to when my kids are out of school (a long ways away) before I can CTB and not care about repercussions.

Thanks for reading all of this. I'm glad we have a forum we can discuss suicide without worrying about a psychiatric response team showing up at your door. Message me or reply and I'll try to reply when I can - I can only really go online when family is out / asleep.

Postscript - TowerUpright is based off a Tarot card. Change is always happening, and I need more of that now.

 

[thedutchguy]

Hey i'm a male from the netherland. Early 30's my life is one spiral downwards. Especcially last couple of years. Happy I found the forum.
Finally a place where I can talk without preconception.

 

[Endqualia]

Hello, I'm a male 23 years old from Serbia. I have been suffering from depression and other mental illnesses for most of my life since puberty, at least since high school. Have been suicidal on and off during that time, but the urge to cbt has only been more frequent and stronger over time. I think of nothing else now.

I have been a active alcoholic and a heavy drug user for the past 4 years or so. Since my father died I have failed to adopt any responsibility and actually help my family, instead I have turned to drugs and alcohol to cope with life.

What kept me alive was some hope of getting clean and turning my life around at least enough to be of help to my family (economic situation in Serbia is not good). Also I belived in god, have been raised in faith. That he might see my struggle and respond to prayer and help me. However, I slowly started seeing how nothing adds up and started doubting god's existence.

What completed the deconversion for me and also made me lose all hope, (don't mean that latter stems from the former) is actually getting clean. The clarity of thought that arises from sobriety and the freedom from chaotic lifestyle that is being a junkie, have both made me realise that there is no god and that I am effed beyond salvation.

I am now 23 yo old never could hold a job for long, have no marketable skills (no attention or motivation to learn), socialy retarded (maybe just retarded), handheldless virgin, teeth wrecked from drug use and neglect making me not only ugly but painfully so, have to watch my younger brothers going through pretty much the same not being able to help. Can't see any reason to live. The only thing holding me back from ending it all is how much would that hurt my family. Still I have no doubt that I will actually off myself, I just need to say that last f**k it.

Edit: swipe error

 

[Sitokirment]

26 year old male ex con from California. NEET with no prospects. I have no future and neither does the world. I wake up in the morning feeling fine, but as the day goes on I slip into suicidal ideation.

It's inevitable.

 

[PatKat]

26 year old male ex con from California. NEET with no prospects. I have no future and neither does the world. I wake up in the morning feeling fine, but as the day goes on I slip into suicidal ideation.

It's inevitable.

What is a NEET? Sorry I dont know some terms.

 

[Halo13]

What is a NEET? Sorry I dont know some terms.

Someone who is Not in Education, Employment or Training. Neet is an acronym.

 

[Sitokirment]

What is a NEET? Sorry I dont know some terms.

Not in Education, Employment, or Training. I don't really leave the house for anything, tbh.

 

[deltahead]

Not in Education, Employment, or Training. I don't really leave the house for anything, tbh.

nice to see another neet in this place. been in the game for 10 years now, beginning when i was 10 years old. everything just stopped meaning anything shortly after that.

 

[myrtaryniel]

Hi, i'm Elena and I like playing video games and smoking weed so I can isolate myself from my reality. If anyone wants to chat my dms are open c:

 

[mathieu]

Hi, I'm 28 and from Australia. My life is in ruins and I just want to sleep forever.

 

[Knight Artorias]

Hi. I'm Carter and I spend most of my time sleeping as a coping mechanism or playin Dark Souls. I'm 17 and have a passion for literature and horror stories. I also like reptiles

 

[marcusuk63]

NEET sound like a bad thing , education is brainwashing , work is slavery and training is is brainwashing to become said slave lol

Hi, I'm 28 and from Australia. My life is in ruins and I just want to sleep forever.

Me too , i when i finally do manage to sleep the disappointment of waking up is soul destroying.

 

[私はあなたと一緒に飛びます]

22 from the US. I like collecting fragrances and buying what some people call stupid amounts of limited edition sodas. (the new mtn dew liberty brew is fuckin fire, by the way)

 

[Slenderman]

Well hi. I'm Mordecai, 19 years old and from Eastern Europe. I really love philosophy and military history books, anime and true crime. Eminem is like my biggest crush ever, I either sleep 2 or 12 hours and I had a hamster that died this week.

 

[Mars]

Hey everyone - Mars from ASH/SMH, not sure if anyone is still around from there.

 

[blanketyblk]

Hi All,

I'm 43 F and from Australia. and been thinking about this for quite a while. my partner CBT 8 years ago last March, I never knew she was in so much pain i guess i was too focused on my own struggles and I've never moved past it. spent the last 8 years looking after my aging parents, but they passed away last year. so now I'm the sole survive of my story. and wish to close the book. I'm just tried.

 

[aquila]

hey
20 y female from Lithuania. I'm not really sure what to tell about myself. I've lost all interest in life so mostly I just sit in front of my computer all day either playing something or watching something barely leaving my cave, yet constantly craving I had someone close in my life. Been dealing with severe social anxiety, depression, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, isolation since I was young, never opened up to anyone really, never tried therapy and I don't think I ever will. I am not sure when I am going to kill myself, but I know I don't want to grow old, I don't want to get married or have kids or even work. Oh, and I love Pink Floyd, nightwalks and cats

 

[Paisley]

hello. 22 year old female from canada here.

right now i'm on a leave from work due to feeling suicidal. this is because of a few factors, but more than anything it's because i find myself to be incompatible with the world as a whole. i'm socially inept and physically unattractive. For those two reasons nearly every scenario involving interaction with other humans makes me extremely uncomfortable... aside from interacting with my boyfriend and my friend, although sometimes even they can trigger my social anxiety.

i'm currently debating on making another attempt, but this time it would be backed with research and consideration. i refuse to make any more spur of the moment attempts. however, i am not sure whether i should go through with it, largely due to my concern for what would happen to my boyfriend, my only friend, and my pets. my boyfriend has explicitly stated that if i ctb that he would follow shortly after. this leaves me in a situation where i fear there is no good option.

have an intake appointment for a hospital outpatient program tomorrow morning. going to try and fight as hard as i can to stay alive even though i want to fade away.

 

[temp1234]

Hi! I'm just a 20 year old girl trying to just tolerate life.

I'm kinda paranoid about putting personal info online, so this is actually my first time participating in any type of website. Yup, don't have social media either.
I lost interest in a lot of things, but I lean towards anime and movies. I also love listening to music, but I feel like everyone does anyways so its not really a personality trait anymore lol.

I had a previous attempt and obviously failed and I regret not succeeding. I have BPD so I'm really impulsive and say things and do things I don't mean and end up regretting anything that I say or do. I also have episodes of highs and lows. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm normally just an asshole or if its my BPD.
I don't really have a reason reason of wanting to commit suicide except that I'm just tired and I've thought about it since I was a kid.

I've tried to go to counselors and really felt that they don't actually understand and just say the same stuff to everybody. So I kinda gave up on counseling. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm so used to feeling whatever I'm feeling that I'm scared of changing or I ask myself if I even can change into becoming a better person. I'm not even sure what I even want in life. I've had a pretty conservative life so far. But I always imagine myself do crazy shit and just do whatever and then committing suicide. I guess that would be my perfect plan. I'm pretty scared of painful things so that's whats been keeping me alive so far. But I found this place and now I don't feel so alone. As a bonus I found out about the ebook which was super helpful to me so that's nice.

 

[Rivotrial]

Better late, than never , huh ?

I'm a 24yo guy , born in russia, immigrated to germany with partially australian roots. I'm living alone with my grandma , living from social care due to my incapacity.

-I lost my mother to a drunk driver
-I lost my father to heroin
-I lost my uncle to chechen war
-I lost my grandfather to cancer
-I lost my brother to suicide
-I lost my cousin and only love to another guy
-I lost 2 cars, my license and a lot of cash to alcohol and drugs

I've done one failed attempt 3 years ago which I described here: My painfull attempt with xanax and luminal

Glad that I found this place, it's good to see that people like me exist all over the world. No offense, it's just.... i used to believe that if I just had been somewhere else everything would be better. I'm here to learn as much about methods as possible and want to share my little knowledge about biochemistry and drugs, even I can't do this as good as I want to and as it's needed for acts like this. Simple english is one thing, technical terminology another one.

Actually I'm preparing my hanging combined with anesthetics + the usual shit. Hope to be with my loved ones soon

Cheers

 

[Sitokirment]

Hi. I'm Carter and I spend most of my time sleeping as a coping mechanism or playin Dark Souls. I'm 17 and have a passion for literature and horror stories. I also like reptiles

18 or over, m8. I hardly knew ye.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Hello: I hope this is the right place, I have searched, I'm a 72/yo female who has used up life and any meaning surviving a long chronic illness, and nothing left to look forward to with no one who cares. I was a nurse, loved traveling, had hobbies in visual art, and a newly published poet (in an anthology), but these things, like all else of meaning are gone, including finances. The world has truly changed in my long years. Thank you for the welcome, and looking forward to meeting.

 

[Cleopatra123]

HELLO: First, I apologize for my confusion of where, how and when to post. We seniors did not get computers till late, and it is certainly not my forte' and used sparingly. I posted above where it says "Post your introductions here". Duh, sorry! Thank you for your welcomes.
I am a 72/yo female who has used up life and any meaning surviving (too long) a chronic illness, with nothing left to look forward to, bedbound 95% of the time now, and no one who cares. i am a retired nurse (a vocation chosen to make a contribution to those suffering) with a BA in Psych. I enjoyed much of life, though life always has it's ups and downs. When younger I loved travel, hobbies in visual arts, and I am a poet. But, my illness has erased all meaning, with nothing to look forward to except another useless lonely day. With sorry eyes I look back on a long life and see how life has become so hard for so many. My thanks to you for your welcomes and I look forward to meeting. (I thought I had edited out the post above, but it is still there).

 

[Ambie]

Hi, I'm new here. 19F, I've been depressed and suicidal for years. I'm diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder, complex PTSD, BPD, dissociative disorder, and i also have brain damage from brain injury. I dont have the energy or motivation to explain all the things that have led me to this point. My life's been just one big clusterfuck, everything went horribly wrong since the day one. I have no friends or family. My cat was the only thing that has kept me alive but now she is really ill. Unfortunately she's going to be euthanized soon and I will probably follow her.

 

[Hobbes]

Hello,

I would like to use this place to lurk and read the insights of others. I (ashamedly) need to run up my post count a bit to access certain features of the site (understandably, to ensure I'm not some bridge troll.) I figured I would drop a line here to explain my hesitancy to contribute and talk over others.

I don't believe that I have anything of worth to contribute. I have the standard millennial MDD/GAD diagnosis, with some schizoid personality disorder on the side. Other than that, I have been unendingly fortunate with my circumstances. I have people that support me, I had a normal childhood, I do not have any debilitating ailments, I have anti-depressants that allow me to function properly - everything that makes me uneasy to be so disgusting as to complain about my circumstances. I still do not see the worth in living out an entire life. I feel a vast sea of emptiness. I've spent my entire life on the computer/internet, locked in my room, and any attempt to make adjustments to that behaviour is just met with numbness. I don't feel anything in the arms of another person, be it a 'romantic' partner or parent. Nothing really seems to matter. I want to be alone on my computer and sleep all day and everything getting in the way of that - finances/employment to support my rent and medication, eating to fuel this body - seems irrelevant. Having a close internet friend commit suicide a few years back seemed to escalate that thinking.

Again, I fully realize how fortunate I am to be able to experience this numbness, but it gets more and more difficult to rationalize an entire life based around this philosophy. I fully believe I will be on the internet until my chest caves in, consuming lines of text and vapid media. Because of this, I don't believe I should be talking over the other members of the site or offering my extremely narrow insight (or lack thereof) on any number of topics.

Thank you for sharing your stories. I hope you all find peace with your options.

HELLO: First, I apologize for my confusion of where, how and when to post. We seniors did not get computers till late, and it is certainly not my forte' and used sparingly. I posted above where it says "Post your introductions here". Duh, sorry! Thank you for your welcomes.
I am a 72/yo female who has used up life and any meaning surviving (too long) a chronic illness, with nothing left to look forward to, bedbound 95% of the time now, and no one who cares. i am a retired nurse (a vocation chosen to make a contribution to those suffering) with a BA in Psych. I enjoyed much of life, though life always has it's ups and downs. When younger I loved travel, hobbies in visual arts, and I am a poet. But, my illness has erased all meaning, with nothing to look forward to except another useless lonely day. With sorry eyes I look back on a long life and see how life has become so hard for so many. My thanks to you for your welcomes and I look forward to meeting. (I thought I had edited out the post above, but it is still there).

I'm glad you're able to share this with us. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. If you ever need help navigating the forums or computers in general, please do not hesitate to reach out to any one of us. I guide seniors through technology as a job and would be happy to answer any questions you have. I hope you are having a nice day.

 

[johnonymous]

So many young people posting. Breaks my heart. Our society is terribly broken.

I'm 56, father of three great kids now in their twenties. Been fighting depression and suicide ideation on and off for forty years, and over the last ten years or so it's ramped up significantly. Every indication is that it will only continue to get worse. Been through more than two dozen meds, ECT, and talk therapy. "Treatment resistant" is just a cold, sterile euphemism for "terminal hopelessness." It's time, or close to it. I just need to settle on the exact time and method.

 

[Mom]

Hey everyone, Mom here!

I'm in my late 20's and a single mom just trying to figure out life. I have bi polar and PTSD so that doesn't exactly help my moods. I was diagnosed with SJS/TEN when I was 18. I lost 90% of the skin on my body. I'm now visually impaired from it and have scars everywhere. I was told I couldn't have children after as well but magically got pregnant! My son will be turning 1 in a few days.

I've tried to commit suicide multiple times but either failed or someone found me. I thought for sure that having a baby would keep from these thoughts. Guess not.

This is where the conflict lies. I feel like the worst mom in history if I end it. I don't want my baby to be alone in this world. I don't want him to ever think I didn't love him enough.

But yeah, thanks for having me around and I hope I can meet others that can relate.

 

[exhausted froggy]

hello other suicidal people! im usually a lurker online but loneliness is no fun. hope to have some nice conversation on here!

Spoiler

oh boy here i go outing myself as a loser and a loner. what am i even doing

Spoiler

someone please put me outta my misery hahaha

 

[Cleopatra123]

Hello,

I would like to use this place to lurk and read the insights of others. I (ashamedly) need to run up my post count a bit to access certain features of the site (understandably, to ensure I'm not some bridge troll.) I figured I would drop a line here to explain my hesitancy to contribute and talk over others.

I don't believe that I have anything of worth to contribute. I have the standard millennial MDD/GAD diagnosis, with some schizoid personality disorder on the side. Other than that, I have been unendingly fortunate with my circumstances. I have people that support me, I had a normal childhood, I do not have any debilitating ailments, I have anti-depressants that allow me to function properly - everything that makes me uneasy to be so disgusting as to complain about my circumstances. I still do not see the worth in living out an entire life. I feel a vast sea of emptiness. I've spent my entire life on the computer/internet, locked in my room, and any attempt to make adjustments to that behaviour is just met with numbness. I don't feel anything in the arms of another person, be it a 'romantic' partner or parent. Nothing really seems to matter. I want to be alone on my computer and sleep all day and everything getting in the way of that - finances/employment to support my rent and medication, eating to fuel this body - seems irrelevant. Having a close internet friend commit suicide a few years back seemed to escalate that thinking.

Again, I fully realize how fortunate I am to be able to experience this numbness, but it gets more and more difficult to rationalize an entire life based around this philosophy. I fully believe I will be on the internet until my chest caves in, consuming lines of text and vapid media. Because of this, I don't believe I should be talking over the other members of the site or offering my extremely narrow insight (or lack thereof) on any number of topics.

Thank you for sharing your stories. I hope you all find peace with your options.



I'm glad you're able to share this with us. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. If you ever need help navigating the forums or computers in general, please do not hesitate to reach out to any one of us. I guide seniors through technology as a job and would be happy to answer any questions you have. I hope you are having a nice day.

Thanks to all of you very kind people, I have not found the emoticons yet, so I'm sending you thanks and hugs,

So many young people posting. Breaks my heart. Our society is terribly broken.

I'm 56, father of three great kids now in their twenties. Been fighting depression and suicide ideation on and off for forty years, and over the last ten years or so it's ramped up significantly. Every indication is that it will only continue to get worse. Been through more than two dozen meds, ECT, and talk therapy. "Treatment resistant" is just a cold, sterile euphemism for "terminal hopelessness." It's time, or close to it. I just need to settle on the exact time and method.

Yes, "our society is terribly broken". My heart breaks for all the young people as well. You are very lucky to have great kids, you must have done much right.

Better late, than never , huh ?

I'm a 24yo guy , born in russia, immigrated to germany with partially australian roots. I'm living alone with my grandma , living from social care due to my incapacity.

-I lost my mother to a drunk driver
-I lost my father to heroin
-I lost my uncle to chechen war
-I lost my grandfather to cancer
-I lost my brother to suicide
-I lost my cousin and only love to another guy
-I lost 2 cars, my license and a lot of cash to alcohol and drugs

I've done one failed attempt 3 years ago which I described here: My painfull attempt with xanax and luminal

Glad that I found this place, it's good to see that people like me exist all over the world. No offense, it's just.... i used to believe that if I just had been somewhere else everything would be better. I'm here to learn as much about methods as possible and want to share my little knowledge about biochemistry and drugs, even I can't do this as good as I want to and as it's needed for acts like this. Simple english is one thing, technical terminology another one.

Actually I'm preparing my hanging combined with anesthetics + the usual shit. Hope to be with my loved ones soon

Cheers

My deepest sympathy for all you have lost, and your loneliness in the suffering at such a young age. A hug to you and wishes for something good for you

 

[Cleopatra123]

Hello,

I would like to use this place to lurk and read the insights of others. I (ashamedly) need to run up my post count a bit to access certain features of the site (understandably, to ensure I'm not some bridge troll.) I figured I would drop a line here to explain my hesitancy to contribute and talk over others.

I don't believe that I have anything of worth to contribute. I have the standard millennial MDD/GAD diagnosis, with some schizoid personality disorder on the side. Other than that, I have been unendingly fortunate with my circumstances. I have people that support me, I had a normal childhood, I do not have any debilitating ailments, I have anti-depressants that allow me to function properly - everything that makes me uneasy to be so disgusting as to complain about my circumstances. I still do not see the worth in living out an entire life. I feel a vast sea of emptiness. I've spent my entire life on the computer/internet, locked in my room, and any attempt to make adjustments to that behaviour is just met with numbness. I don't feel anything in the arms of another person, be it a 'romantic' partner or parent. Nothing really seems to matter. I want to be alone on my computer and sleep all day and everything getting in the way of that - finances/employment to support my rent and medication, eating to fuel this body - seems irrelevant. Having a close internet friend commit suicide a few years back seemed to escalate that thinking.

Again, I fully realize how fortunate I am to be able to experience this numbness, but it gets more and more difficult to rationalize an entire life based around this philosophy. I fully believe I will be on the internet until my chest caves in, consuming lines of text and vapid media. Because of this, I don't believe I should be talking over the other members of the site or offering my extremely narrow insight (or lack thereof) on any number of topics.

Thank you for sharing your stories. I hope you all find peace with your options.



I'm glad you're able to share this with us. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. If you ever need help navigating the forums or computers in general, please do not hesitate to reach out to any one of us. I guide seniors through technology as a job and would be happy to answer any questions you have. I hope you are having a nice day.

Thank you so much for your kind response to my introduction; you see you do have something to contribute. Your kindness to me, and guiding seniors through technology, lol my friend, I am having trouble navigating the technology here. I can't find the hug, love emjoys, I don't know where my profile is, and I am just trying not to make a mistake. Anyhow, you are a blessing, to have compassion and want to help others. That's a special gift you have. Seniors are technically one of the most disadvantaged group of people. Thank you with a hug.

Hi, I'm new here. 19F, I've been depressed and suicidal for years. I'm diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder, complex PTSD, BPD, dissociative disorder, and i also have brain damage from brain injury. I dont have the energy or motivation to explain all the things that have led me to this point. My life's been just one big clusterfuck, everything went horribly wrong since the day one. I have no friends or family. My cat was the only thing that has kept me alive but now she is really ill. Unfortunately she's going to be euthanized soon and I will probably follow her.

It's a true shame that youth suffers so much these days, I'm so sorry for all your losses. My losses are all due to age and physical illness, in a gilded solitary cage alone, and meaningless, makes one very very tired. I wish you the best and send you the love that I can.