Hobbes

Hobbes

Member
Jun 12, 2019
34
Thank you so much for your kind response to my introduction; you see you do have something to contribute. Your kindness to me, and guiding seniors through technology, lol my friend, I am having trouble navigating the technology here. I can't find the hug, love emjoys, I don't know where my profile is, and I am just trying not to make a mistake. Anyhow, you are a blessing, to have compassion and want to help others. That's a special gift you have. Seniors are technically one of the most disadvantaged group of people. Thank you with a hug.

While writing out a post, you can add faces by clicking on the smiley face on the bar with all the formatting options. Once you open this menu, you can click on a face to add it to your post.

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If you would like to 'react' to another person's post and send a hug their way, you can use the Like button on the bottom-right of all posts. If you click this button once, it will 'Like' the post. But if you hover over the button, you can choose a variety of ways to react to the post.

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Lastly, you can navigate to your profile by clicking your own username (Cleopatra123) wherever you see it pop up. This can be to the left of your own posts, or the profile button in the top-right of the screen. Both of these options will bring up a menu and you will have to click on your name once more to go to that page. It's a bit odd. I've outlined the first and second places you would click in both instances.

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All of this assumes you're using a desktop or laptop computer to access the site. If you're using a tablet, phone or iPad, the interface may look a bit different. Let me know and I can adjust things accordingly.
 
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Cleopatra123

Arcanist
Jun 8, 2019
488
While writing out a post, you can add faces by clicking on the smiley face on the bar with all the formatting options. Once you open this menu, you can click on a face to add it to your post.

View attachment 12113


If you would like to 'react' to another person's post and send a hug their way, you can use the Like button on the bottom-right of all posts. If you click this button once, it will 'Like' the post. But if you hover over the button, you can choose a variety of ways to react to the post.

View attachment 12115

Lastly, you can navigate to your profile by clicking your own username (Cleopatra123) wherever you see it pop up. This can be to the left of your own posts, or the profile button in the top-right of the screen. Both of these options will bring up a menu and you will have to click on your name once more to go to that page. It's a bit odd. I've outlined the first and second places you would click in both instances.

View attachment 12116

All of this assumes you're using a desktop or laptop computer to access the site. If you're using a tablet, phone or iPad, the interface may look a bit different. Let me know and I can adjust things accordingly.
You are very kind, truly, thank you so much
Hi All,

I'm 43 F and from Australia. and been thinking about this for quite a while. my partner CBT 8 years ago last March, I never knew she was in so much pain i guess i was too focused on my own struggles and I've never moved past it. spent the last 8 years looking after my aging parents, but they passed away last year. so now I'm the sole survive of my story. and wish to close the book. I'm just tried.
Bravo to you for the care you gave your parents, my son lives across the hall and hasn't offered me a glass of water since I left the hospital. Being a caretaker, is a meaningful endeavor, and it's meaning that gives us reason to live. Sorry to hear about your partner, and the angst that haunts you about it. I think we should all make sure that no other person feels responsible for our actions.
 
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inconsequential

inconsequential

Enlightened
Jun 1, 2019
1,011
Hey, two weeks later's better than never!

27. Female. United States.

My life has kind of always been a mess. Years of childhood physical, sexual, and emotional abuse made me quite the people-pleaser. Put myself in several abusive relationships & remained in them because my dumb ass just, "wanted to make someone happy!" Taking triangle chokes and punches to the face in order to, "make people happy". I'm tired of making people happy, so I'm focusing on making myself happy.

Basics: TBI, PTSD, depersonalization/derealization, dissociation, major depression, social anxiety, panic attacks. My spine is fucked; several cord compressions and discs that are screaming, "goodbye," in every language. My connective tissue is defective. Lungs are shit. Intestines/stomach don't work well, so I don't eat much anymore. Insomniac to the nth degree.

Basic Interests: Disasters (both natural and man-made), true crime, nature wandering, cannabis weed marijuana pot reefer, fluffy animals, looking at other peoples' gardens, and the 1990s. 1990s television, music, video games, clothing, etc.
 
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Cleopatra123

Arcanist
Jun 8, 2019
488
Hey, two weeks later's better than never!

27. Female. United States.

My life has kind of always been a mess. Years of childhood physical, sexual, and emotional abuse made me quite the people-pleaser. Put myself in several abusive relationships & remained in them because my dumb ass just, "wanted to make someone happy!" Taking triangle chokes and punches to the face in order to, "make people happy". I'm tired of making people happy, so I'm focusing on making myself happy.

Basics: TBI, PTSD, depersonalization/derealization, dissociation, major depression, social anxiety, panic attacks. My spine is fucked; several cord compressions and discs that are screaming, "goodbye," in every language. My connective tissue is defective. Lungs are shit. Intestines/stomach don't work well, so I don't eat much anymore. Insomniac to the nth degree.

Basic Interests: Disasters (both natural and man-made), true crime, nature wandering, cannabis weed marijuana pot reefer, fluffy animals, looking at other peoples' gardens, and the 1990s. 1990s television, music, video games, clothing, etc.

I see that you are suffering from many traumas and I am so sorry. You wanted love so much the only way you knew how was to repeat your childhood. The idea is to overcome your childhood. Rise above it. I am much older than you, my childhood was not happy at home, I was unwanted for sure, and neglected; but it made me stronger to be someone else; someone better. I can't say I ultimately succedded without mistakes, but I was able to accomplish some good things, with love I hope. We love even though we may not get it back. Can you think of some way different than your habits to make life more meaningful; refusing at all costs NOT to be abused? As a retired nurse I ask you why your spine is so messed up. It's true, a human can only tolerate so much pain. I tried two things in life to rise above being unloved. I decided to become a nurse, and learn all of life that is meaningful; and I had two children and loved them with every bit of my heart. Unfortunately, though I always hear from them what a good mother I was, and I certainly did try to give them all the love and warmth and experiences I could, they are both at the age of being totally disinterested in me, though I am ill. I suppose I failed at these efforts, as I am physically ill from a long chronic illness and completely alone. So life has always been hard, but never as hard as it is in our culture. Finding a way to help your back is of prime importance. If I can give you any advice please give me a call.
 
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inconsequential

inconsequential

Enlightened
Jun 1, 2019
1,011
I see that you are suffering from many traumas and I am so sorry. You wanted love so much the only way you knew how was to repeat your childhood. The idea is to overcome your childhood. Rise above it. I am much older than you, my childhood was not happy at home, I was unwanted for sure, and neglected; but it made me stronger to be someone else; someone better. I can't say I ultimately succedded without mistakes, but I was able to accomplish some good things, with love I hope. We love even though we may not get it back. Can you think of some way different than your habits to make life more meaningful; refusing at all costs NOT to be abused? As a retired nurse I ask you why your spine is so messed up. It's true, a human can only tolerate so much pain. I tried two things in life to rise above being unloved. I decided to become a nurse, and learn all of life that is meaningful; and I had two children and loved them with every bit of my heart. Unfortunately, though I always hear from them what a good mother I was, and I certainly did try to give them all the love and warmth and experiences I could, they are both at the age of being totally disinterested in me, though I am ill. I suppose I failed at these efforts, as I am physically ill from a long chronic illness and completely alone. So life has always been hard, but never as hard as it is in our culture. Finding a way to help your back is of prime importance. If I can give you any advice please give me a call.

My spine is messed up because someone didn't care about the difference between a red light and a green light. Car vs. walking human; car wins every time.

I can't have children, and wouldn't want them if I could. No offense to those who have children, I just wouldn't want to destroy someone who didn't deserve it.

I try to find happiness in the fact that I have overcome a lot of obstacles & have already come this far in life. And I find happiness in not causing others pain.
 
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Cleopatra123

Arcanist
Jun 8, 2019
488
I assume then you have done all you can to get your spine fixed. What a horrible experience for you. I do have osteoporosis of the spine but I have managed my pain with a brace and ice, still I can't sit or stand for too long. Some things I did to put my mind past my self absorbed angst, was to study other things. It took my mind away from myself. I took a lot of classes, and this gave me more things to think of other than myself. But, though I've lived to a ripe old age, it's still, now time for me to end it. I can't concentrate on anything anymore but an end to isolation, emptiness, sickness and loneliness, so I totally understand. I just hope for you that you can enjoy some of your youth. Believe it, it gets much worse when one gets old, you body drops away piece by piece, as does friends, family as pain increases. I hope, again, you can find some joy in life. :hug:
 
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blanketyblk

blanketyblk

Mage
Jun 9, 2019
574
You are very kind, truly, thank you so much

Bravo to you for the care you gave your parents, my son lives across the hall and hasn't offered me a glass of water since I left the hospital. Being a caretaker, is a meaningful endeavor, and it's meaning that gives us reason to live. Sorry to hear about your partner, and the angst that haunts you about it. I think we should all make sure that no other person feels responsible for our actions.

I'm so sorry to hear that your own children are not interested in looking after you. My parents tried thier very best to get me on an even footing with other girls my age. because of that. they sacrificed quite a lot for me. they travels all around the country side getting help for me. so it was only fitting that i also helped them out when they needed it, i also needed there mental support at that time as well. And those 8 years i spent with them. where fantastic. i still cherish those memories..

My spine is messed up because someone didn't care about the difference between a red light and a green light. Car vs. walking human; car wins every time.

I can't have children, and wouldn't want them if I could. No offense to those who have children, I just wouldn't want to destroy someone who didn't deserve it.

I try to find happiness in the fact that I have overcome a lot of obstacles & have already come this far in life. And I find happiness in not causing others pain.

I can agree with you in not wanting to pass pain on other people. like you i can't have children. i had endometrial cancer when i was 19 and had to have a hysterectomy. i could of adopted. but i didn't want any child growing up with an 'odd' parent. and i am odd' iv'e always been odd and still odd to this day. just life i guess.
 
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inconsequential

inconsequential

Enlightened
Jun 1, 2019
1,011
I assume then you have done all you can to get your spine fixed. What a horrible experience for you. I do have osteoporosis of the spine but I have managed my pain with a brace and ice, still I can't sit or stand for too long. Some things I did to put my mind past my self absorbed angst, was to study other things. It took my mind away from myself. I took a lot of classes, and this gave me more things to think of other than myself. But, though I've lived to a ripe old age, it's still, now time for me to end it. I can't concentrate on anything anymore but an end to isolation, emptiness, sickness and loneliness, so I totally understand. I just hope for you that you can enjoy some of your youth. Believe it, it gets much worse when one gets old, you body drops away piece by piece, as does friends, family as pain increases. I hope, again, you can find some joy in life. :hug:

You know, your kids not helping you doesn't mean that you failed at parenting, or that you were a bad mother. Please don't think that. Perhaps you were, perhaps you weren't, but we all do hate ourselves and view ourselves more negatively than others do. Consistently. And some people just turn out kind of mean, even if their parents were great.

I already understand family and friends dropping off. Quite well, unfortunately. I lost both parents very close to each other, and although they were abusive, that was a blow. I've had to bury 3-5 people every year since 2011... I am now afraid to make friends.

Don't worry; I smoke (and eat) a lot of weed for the pain. I wish I could mitigate some of your pain, though.
 
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Cleopatra123

Arcanist
Jun 8, 2019
488
I assume then you have done all you can to get your spine fixed. What a horrible experience for you. I do have osteoporosis of the spine but I have managed my pain with a brace and ice, still I can't sit or stand for too long. Some things I did to put my mind past my self absorbed angst, was to study other things. It took my mind away from myself. I took a lot of classes, and this gave me more things to think of other than myself. But, though I've lived to a ripe old age, it's still, now time for me to end it. I can't concentrate on anything anymore but an end to isolation, emptiness, sickness and loneliness, so I totally understand. I just hope for you that you can enjoy some of your youth. Believe it, it gets much worse when one gets old, you body drops away piece by piece, as does friends, family as pain increases. I hope, again, you can find some joy in life. :hug:
I assume then you have done all you can to get your spine fixed. What a horrible experience for you. I do have osteoporosis of the spine but I have managed my pain with a brace and ice, still I can't sit or stand for too long. Some things I did to put my mind past my self absorbed angst, was to study other things. It took my mind away from myself. I took a lot of classes, and this gave me more things to think of other than myself. But, though I've lived to a ripe old age, it's still, now time for me to end it. I can't concentrate on anything anymore but an end to isolation, emptiness, sickness and loneliness, so I totally understand. I just hope for you that you can enjoy some of your youth. Believe it, it gets much worse when one gets old, you body drops away piece by piece, as does friends, family as pain increases. I hope, again, you can find some joy in life. :hug:
Thank you Circles and Inconsequential. See you later,:hug:
I'm so sorry to hear that your own children are not interested in looking after you. My parents tried thier very best to get me on an even footing with other girls my age. because of that. they sacrificed quite a lot for me. they travels all around the country side getting help for me. so it was only fitting that i also helped them out when they needed it, i also needed there mental support at that time as well. And those 8 years i spent with them. where fantastic. i still cherish those memories..



I can agree with you in not wanting to pass pain on other people. like you i can't have children. i had endometrial cancer when i was 19 and had to have a hysterectomy. i could of adopted. but i didn't want any child growing up with an 'odd' parent. and i am odd' iv'e always been odd and still odd to this day. just life i guess.
:hug::hug:
My son has schizophrenia since a teenager, 20 years watching him suffer, and to now still no way to really help him. The horrible truth is the suffering of people, certain the young, with mental illness. I was to every court, hospital in the county, had police and ambulances at my door, called at nights after work, to come and save him; but now I'm too old and out of answers and energy. He does what he thinks only he doesn't know he has an illness and refuses help; and we know the paucity of medical care, most especially for mental illness. I don't blame him, nor my daughter; she writes me beautiful notes about what a good mother I was, but has no time for me, despite living near and unemployed. Perhaps my age is just too much for her. But, when they were children, I had such a wonderful time being their mother, we had such fun together. Life blows with the wind and leaves it's debris over time which changes all things. Praises to you that you have the memory of your parents help and love; I hear so much about lives filled with no love or meaning. We share that, an appreciation for the good things in life, cherished memories. I'd seen much suffering as a nurse, but I can't believe how much illness is on the rise in all areas in our current culture. Something so wrong there? I believe it's the changes in culture and disconnection; and I do believe that our polluted environment is adding to all of the increased illnesses; especially in young people. Hope for a beautiful day for you Blankety, Oops, hugs to you on top, upside down, lol. Cleo
 
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vulpo

vulpo

Member
Jun 14, 2019
15
Haven't read all the answers in this thread so first sorry for that.

Now I'm introducing myself to the site I'm 38 male (Arg). I had an attempt back in 2016 (exactly on June like now) but I failed.

My parents found me when I tried to poison myself with carbon monoxide. Actually the dog found me, and his barkings alerted my parents.

I don't suffer of any particular or seriouos illness. I'm just and always been decided to commit this sometime.

Depression is a thing and time runs out. So I got back again to these sites (this particular is new to me) and I'm glad to be in a friendly environment with ppl that share the ctb sentiment.

I'd like to share about my failed attempt and maybe a bit more about myself in the proper sub-forum if there is some. Otherwise I guess I'll share it in the carbon monoxide section and my advice.

After having failed b4 I'm now thinking of partial suspension method bc I don't have any guns which imo would be faster. I'd love to find a partner who also has a gun or two to make it at the same time but as it turned to be difficult I guess I'll end up leaving by partial suspension.

I wish all ppl from this forum to have a peaceful leaving and till then wish you the best.
 
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Cleopatra123

Arcanist
Jun 8, 2019
488
I'm so sorry to hear that your own children are not interested in looking after you. My parents tried thier very best to get me on an even footing with other girls my age. because of that. they sacrificed quite a lot for me. they travels all around the country side getting help for me. so it was only fitting that i also helped them out when they needed it, i also needed there mental support at that time as well. And those 8 years i spent with them. where fantastic. i still cherish those memories..



I can agree with you in not wanting to pass pain on other people. like you i can't have children. i had endometrial cancer when i was 19 and had to have a hysterectomy. i could of adopted. but i didn't want any child growing up with an 'odd' parent. and i am odd' iv'e always been odd and still odd to this day. just life i guess.
I wish you wouldn't be so disturbed by feeling "different": Every person is different in their own way; Viva la difference, I say. What is the up side in conforming to group mentality. You have suffered many obstacles and given of yourself to others, that makes you different in that so many other people are dull and self-centered. I know well what it means for life to be unbearable, but, give yourself a break please, you didn't ask for or create the situation. You're a good person, kind and warm. xoxoxo
 
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Cleopatra123

Arcanist
Jun 8, 2019
488
Hello,

I would like to use this place to lurk and read the insights of others. I (ashamedly) need to run up my post count a bit to access certain features of the site (understandably, to ensure I'm not some bridge troll.) I figured I would drop a line here to explain my hesitancy to contribute and talk over others.

I don't believe that I have anything of worth to contribute. I have the standard millennial MDD/GAD diagnosis, with some schizoid personality disorder on the side. Other than that, I have been unendingly fortunate with my circumstances. I have people that support me, I had a normal childhood, I do not have any debilitating ailments, I have anti-depressants that allow me to function properly - everything that makes me uneasy to be so disgusting as to complain about my circumstances. I still do not see the worth in living out an entire life. I feel a vast sea of emptiness. I've spent my entire life on the computer/internet, locked in my room, and any attempt to make adjustments to that behaviour is just met with numbness. I don't feel anything in the arms of another person, be it a 'romantic' partner or parent. Nothing really seems to matter. I want to be alone on my computer and sleep all day and everything getting in the way of that - finances/employment to support my rent and medication, eating to fuel this body - seems irrelevant. Having a close internet friend commit suicide a few years back seemed to escalate that thinking.

Again, I fully realize how fortunate I am to be able to experience this numbness, but it gets more and more difficult to rationalize an entire life based around this philosophy. I fully believe I will be on the internet until my chest caves in, consuming lines of text and vapid media. Because of this, I don't believe I should be talking over the other members of the site or offering my extremely narrow insight (or lack thereof) on any number of topics.

Thank you for sharing your stories. I hope you all find peace with your options.



I'm glad you're able to share this with us. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. If you ever need help navigating the forums or computers in general, please do not hesitate to reach out to any one of us. I guide seniors through technology as a job and would be happy to answer any questions you have. I hope you are having a nice day.
Hello Hobbs: how are you. I was thinking about what you said, having grown up without computer, and living life playing stickball outside with the neighbors, school dances, community events, meeting with teens at the bowling alley, or going to a movie theater with friends; to have come to this age where so many young people are locked in their rooms with their cell phones or some other absurdly distant means of communication. I think if I grew up in this age where everybody's head is stuck on some cyber device oblivious of the world around, detached by real human contact and interaction. Oh, it's so sad for me to see so many young people suffering like this.
Hobbs: can you tell me how I find out if I can PM someone and how to do it. I read the instructions and can't find what they are saying. Hope you are having a decent day today. You should have a pet, dogs are the most loving creatures in the world, and much smarter than humans give them credit for. My last dog was a pit, she was so smart, if a door was just cracked, she'd take her paw and open it. I'd had about 20 other dogs and never seen one do that. A dog thrives on love. Perhaps it would help you. xoxoxo Cleo
 
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blanketyblk

blanketyblk

Mage
Jun 9, 2019
574
I wish you wouldn't be so disturbed by feeling "different": Every person is different in their own way; Viva la difference, I say. What is the up side in conforming to group mentality. You have suffered many obstacles and given of yourself to others, that makes you different in that so many other people are dull and self-centered. I know well what it means for life to be unbearable, but, give yourself a break please, you didn't ask for or create the situation. You're a good person, kind and warm. xoxoxo
Hi Cleo, thanks for your kind words. i know i shouldn't refer to myself think that. But i guess it has just been programmed into my mind, I've been called that since i was a little girl. Still get called it now. Just need to get it out of my mind.

That's why i think seeing a councillor will be handy. help me to remove a lot of the negative images that other people have force onto me.

Hugs

BlanketyBlk
 
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Cleopatra123

Arcanist
Jun 8, 2019
488
Hi Cleo, thanks for your kind words. i know i shouldn't refer to myself think that. But i guess it has just been programmed into my mind, I've been called that since i was a little girl. Still get called it now. Just need to get it out of my mind.

That's why i think seeing a councillor will be handy. help me to remove a lot of the negative images that other people have force onto me.

Hugs

BlanketyBlk
Sounds like a good idea Nat. Perhaps you could think of relocating to a place where there are more people to communicate and who will understand themselves, what you have been through.
 
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Hobbes

Hobbes

Member
Jun 12, 2019
34
Hello Hobbs: how are you. I was thinking about what you said, having grown up without computer, and living life playing stickball outside with the neighbors, school dances, community events, meeting with teens at the bowling alley, or going to a movie theater with friends; to have come to this age where so many young people are locked in their rooms with their cell phones or some other absurdly distant means of communication. I think if I grew up in this age where everybody's head is stuck on some cyber device oblivious of the world around, detached by real human contact and interaction. Oh, it's so sad for me to see so many young people suffering like this.
Hobbs: can you tell me how I find out if I can PM someone and how to do it. I read the instructions and can't find what they are saying. Hope you are having a decent day today. You should have a pet, dogs are the most loving creatures in the world, and much smarter than humans give them credit for. My last dog was a pit, she was so smart, if a door was just cracked, she'd take her paw and open it. I'd had about 20 other dogs and never seen one do that. A dog thrives on love. Perhaps it would help you. xoxoxo Cleo

Hello Cleopatra, hope you're having a nice day today.

Private Messages (PM) are referred to as 'Conversations' on this site. You can check your conversations by clicking on the enevelop icon in the top-right of the screen, next to your username. This will give you an overview of recent conversations, and allow you to start a new conversation with another user.

12227

If you have a particular user that you would like to start a conversation/PM with, you can usually find a link to start a new conversation once you click on their name. This is the same place that we located your profile earlier - the panel that appears to the left of a user's posts.

12228

I'll send you a test conversation once I post this, so you can see how the envelope icon lights up when you have a new message. If you need any clarifications or further advice (or just want to practice sending a message), feel free to use that feature to message me directly.

Your dog sounds like a clever one. I'm glad you were able to take care of so many, there must have been lots of adventures there. I would enjoy having a cat if anything, but the logistics get a bit difficult. I get very worried about my ability to take care of anything, especially when I'm prone to sleep for 24 hours straight without waking up. Not healthy for other creatures of which I would be taking care. There's also a space restriction (I've lived in rented rooms my entire life) and financial restrictions (my finances are only enough to support me, I'm unsure I would be able to handle vetrenarian bills.) It's a romantic idea but it gets a bit more difficult when thinking through it all. I still appreciate the advice and it's something I think about quite a bit.
 
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Cleopatra123

Arcanist
Jun 8, 2019
488
Hello Cleopatra, hope you're having a nice day today.

Private Messages (PM) are referred to as 'Conversations' on this site. You can check your conversations by clicking on the enevelop icon in the top-right of the screen, next to your username. This will give you an overview of recent conversations, and allow you to start a new conversation with another user.

View attachment 12227

If you have a particular user that you would like to start a conversation/PM with, you can usually find a link to start a new conversation once you click on their name. This is the same place that we located your profile earlier - the panel that appears to the left of a user's posts.

View attachment 12228

I'll send you a test conversation once I post this, so you can see how the envelope icon lights up when you have a new message. If you need any clarifications or further advice (or just want to practice sending a message), feel free to use that feature to message me directly.

Your dog sounds like a clever one. I'm glad you were able to take care of so many, there must have been lots of adventures there. I would enjoy having a cat if anything, but the logistics get a bit difficult. I get very worried about my ability to take care of anything, especially when I'm prone to sleep for 24 hours straight without waking up. Not healthy for other creatures of which I would be taking care. There's also a space restriction (I've lived in rented rooms my entire life) and financial restrictions (my finances are only enough to support me, I'm unsure I would be able to handle vetrenarian bills.) It's a romantic idea but it gets a bit more difficult when thinking through it all. I still appreciate the advice and it's something I think about quite a bit.
I desperately wanted another dog after my last surgery; but I had to retire, and my income got so low I can hardly feed myself. How awful to live in rented rooms. Is the sleeping a depressive thing, or a physical issue.
 
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Ladylethal

Ladylethal

Member
Jun 16, 2019
91
I'm Jasmine. 26. I hate talking about myself but I guess it's comforting given the circumstances? I've had a really...hard life. Nobody likes a sob story I know so I'll keep it short lol. Have been abused for most of my life. My mother is a narcissist and has done things to me that are very hard to talk about. One of those is she's isolated me from all family. Nobody talks to me. Everybody believes anything she says about me. I'm not even allowed to go to funerals. Wasn't able to say goodbye to alot of people. But fuck them lol. I have been there for alot of people including my so called best friend who only calls when she wants something. Nobody checks on me or even makes an attempt to be there for me Including my shit family ofc lol. Because I'm a depressed, mentally unstable loser who can't control their emotions I'm losing everything including a 6 year relationship which is basically all I had. Even if he is an emotionally abusive and insensitive asshole that makes fun of me for being a suicidal weirdo. He's still the closest thing I had to normality. So now I'm going to be homeless again. Alone. Jobless. No family to help me hell they don't even know what's going on. I have no one to go to but him. No real friends. Family. His family was the closest thing I had to a real family even though they're assholes too. I still enjoyed having somewhere normal to go for the holidays....Spent father's day in bed alone in tears for example. My family has gone so far as to go on secret family vacations for holidays so now I really won't have anywhere to go....To make matters worse my therapist recently said some messed up stuff to me and shamed me for my personal appearance even going so far as to make embarrassing comments about me being bigger chested. I sobbed in my car after the session. I have been depressed, abused and a mentally ill fuck my entire life. I am ready and excited to end my suffering. I tried really hard to be a good person to everyone hoping they wouldn't feel lonely like I did but in the end I ended up alone.

And I also draw and I like anime. And spend all my time online and isolated.
 
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Cleopatra123

Arcanist
Jun 8, 2019
488
Hello Hobbs: how are you. I was thinking about what you said, having grown up without computer, and living life playing stickball outside with the neighbors, school dances, community events, meeting with teens at the bowling alley, or going to a movie theater with friends; to have come to this age where so many young people are locked in their rooms with their cell phones or some other absurdly distant means of communication. I think if I grew up in this age where everybody's head is stuck on some cyber device oblivious of the world around, detached by real human contact and interaction. Oh, it's so sad for me to see so many young people suffering like this.
Hobbs: can you tell me how I find out if I can PM someone and how to do it. I read the instructions and can't find what they are saying. Hope you are having a decent day today. You should have a pet, dogs are the most loving creatures in the world, and much smarter than humans give them credit for. My last dog was a pit, she was so smart, if a door was just cracked, she'd take her paw and open it. I'd had about 20 other dogs and never seen one do that. A dog thrives on love. Perhaps it would help you. xoxoxo Cleo
Hi Hobbs: Just came by to say hello and send a hug, but a real one, for if you were near, I would surely hug you, and mean it. How are you feeling. You speak lovingly of your family, do you think you could feel closer to the outside world, if you spent more time with them. xoxo Cleo
I'm Jasmine. 26. I hate talking about myself but I guess it's comforting given the circumstances? I've had a really...hard life. Nobody likes a sob story I know so I'll keep it short lol. Have been abused for most of my life. My mother is a narcissist and has done things to me that are very hard to talk about. One of those is she's isolated me from all family. Nobody talks to me. Everybody believes anything she says about me. I'm not even allowed to go to funerals. Wasn't able to say goodbye to alot of people. But fuck them lol. I have been there for alot of people including my so called best friend who only calls when she wants something. Nobody checks on me or even makes an attempt to be there for me Including my shit family ofc lol. Because I'm a depressed, mentally unstable loser who can't control their emotions I'm losing everything including a 6 year relationship which is basically all I had. Even if he is an emotionally abusive and insensitive asshole that makes fun of me for being a suicidal weirdo. He's still the closest thing I had to normality. So now I'm going to be homeless again. Alone. Jobless. No family to help me hell they don't even know what's going on. I have no one to go to but him. No real friends. Family. His family was the closest thing I had to a real family even though they're assholes too. I still enjoyed having somewhere normal to go for the holidays....Spent father's day in bed alone in tears for example. My family has gone so far as to go on secret family vacations for holidays so now I really won't have anywhere to go....To make matters worse my therapist recently said some messed up stuff to me and shamed me for my personal appearance even going so far as to make embarrassing comments about me being bigger chested. I sobbed in my car after the session. I have been depressed, abused and a mentally ill fuck my entire life. I am ready and excited to end my suffering. I tried really hard to be a good person to everyone hoping they wouldn't feel lonely like I did but in the end I ended up alone.

And I also draw and I like anime. And spend all my time online and isolated.
Hi Jasmine: I think if you had the love and support you should have, you would not be feeling like an "unstable loser". So I am learning to my dismay, there is an ever increasing amount of young people diagnosed with mental health problems. Why is a looming question for what kind of culture has developed; what we don't know is if your mother's behavior created that, or excellerated that because of her behavior. As a nurse, I knew of children who were born with or developed problems, and I have usually seen parents do their utmost to help their children adjust and feel loved. But, you can learn to handle your problems better, if you just realize that this is not your fault; even if you did have problems, I don't know, a kind loving family should have helped you.

I had a mother who just did not want me. She divorced when I was 6 months old, in that era, men were reluctant to marry divorced women with children. In the 1040's-1950's divorce was much less accepted; and my stepfather, a bad tempered unpleasant person, was very unkind. However, I kept myself busy, no computers, I had a good friend in school, I read books, wrote poems, listened to Bob Dylan and all the blues and folk music I could, and went out. I didn't care that much about their attitudes to me. I was really not part of the household, I lived in the upstairs attic; I had a stepbrother when I was 7 and I can't remember his room, or him being around because they were not interested in including me in their family. So I got away as soon as HS was over. I learned nothing at home about good values or choices, but I left home, sent myself to school. Until my mother died, she was a continual problem; lol, her own sister said so. Who knows why people are so lacking in love and compassion. It's hard to believe your therapist treated you that way, you have such a pretty face, perhaps if she thought you were wearing something innapropriate, she could have been much nicer about it. But, the main point is, it seems to me you have absorbed all the negativity of the selfish people around you and are stuck there. The only attitude to take, is to know that you have to rise above them. If you have any psych issues (I was a psych major too), have the attitude that you CAN rise above; all that was given to you was negativity. And of course, made you feel like hiding and isolating yourself. With all the controversy about abortion, I can't help but wonder, where are the people to help the youth that is suffering to a degree now that is, to me unbelievable.

I have a son with schizophrenia, now 35. I've spent the last 20 years trying to save his life from streets. He's done many things he doesn't remember, over the years, but he didn't ask to be given this illness when he was a teenager, it's not his fault, and he has suffered so many losses, I may sometimes feel hurt, but all I can do is keep telling him, no matter what, that I love him.
Hi Hobbs: Just came by to say hello and send a hug, but a real one, for if you were near, I would surely hug you, and mean it. How are you feeling. You speak lovingly of your family, do you think you could feel closer to the outside world, if you spent more time with them. xoxo Cleo

Hi Jasmine: I think if you had the love and support you should have, you would not be feeling like an "unstable loser". So I am learning to my dismay, there is an ever increasing amount of young people diagnosed with mental health problems. Why is a looming question for what kind of culture has developed; what we don't know is if your mother's behavior created that, or excellerated that because of her behavior. As a nurse, I knew of children who were born with or developed problems, and I have usually seen parents do their utmost to help their children adjust and feel loved. But, you can learn to handle your problems better, if you just realize that this is not your fault; even if you did have problems, I don't know, a kind loving family should have helped you.

I had a mother who just did not want me. She divorced when I was 6 months old, in that era, men were reluctant to marry divorced women with children. In the 1040's-1950's divorce was much less accepted; and my stepfather, a bad tempered unpleasant person, was very unkind. However, I kept myself busy, no computers, I had a good friend in school, I read books, wrote poems, listened to Bob Dylan and all the blues and folk music I could, and went out. I didn't care that much about their attitudes to me. I was really not part of the household, I lived in the upstairs attic; I had a stepbrother when I was 7 and I can't remember his room, or him being around because they were not interested in including me in their family. So I got away as soon as HS was over. I learned nothing at home about good values or choices, but I left home, sent myself to school. Until my mother died, she was a continual problem; lol, her own sister said so. Who knows why people are so lacking in love and compassion. It's hard to believe your therapist treated you that way, you have such a pretty face, perhaps if she thought you were wearing something innapropriate, she could have been much nicer about it. But, the main point is, it seems to me you have absorbed all the negativity of the selfish people around you and are stuck there. The only attitude to take, is to know that you have to rise above them. If you have any psych issues (I was a psych major too), have the attitude that you CAN rise above; all that was given to you was negativity. And of course, made you feel like hiding and isolating yourself. With all the controversy about abortion, I can't help but wonder, where are the people to help the youth that is suffering to a degree now that is, to me unbelievable.

I have a son with schizophrenia, now 35. I've spent the last 20 years trying to save his life from streets. He's done many things he doesn't remember, over the years, but he didn't ask to be given this illness when he was a teenager, it's not his fault, and he has suffered so many losses, I may sometimes feel hurt, but all I can do is keep telling him, no matter what, that I love him.
So, whatever happened to you Jasmine is not your fault, and was made worse by your family's inability to help you. Be not like them Jasmine, reject and forgive their own inabilities, which are just as real as your's, and rise above with the realization that you are better than people treated you. And, I once did have an abusive relationship out of stupidity, and wow what trouble that was. Perhaps you are with someone who is hurtful, because you are repeating the only treatment you knew as a child. Life is hard and sometimes truly sucks, but there are good things too. Do you have any interests of your own, sports, creative, helping others. I hope you can somehow strive toward that. Wish I could give you a real hug, but as real as I can, from someone who has always believed love is the best part of ourselves, I send you hugs and kisses. xoxoxo Cleo
 
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DreamCatcher

DreamCatcher

Still searching
Jun 18, 2019
221
Pretty much a copy paste from my about page, but for an introduction it suits.

Californian turned Seattleite turned Yooper. Always searching for a home and not finding it.

Lost a really nice job and healthcare in 2014, been on a very long downward spiral since. Tried moving and new jobs to avert the dive but haven't been successful yet.

After many years I've finally lost hope that recovery is possible, or even if it is possible that life would still not be worth the trouble.

Looking to CTB on my birthday this or next year after I've put some of my affairs in order and done what I can to make it easier for the good parts of my family and my friends to carry on. I gave myself a year of cooldown time to find something worth living for. There are lots of good reasons, but none so far that equal the trouble and daily pain that life brings.

Started planning with apricot kernels for their cyanide content, but that seemed too tedious, then to sodium nitrite, but the associated medications are difficult to source and the reliability seems low. Now I'm looking at the night night method as the fastest and least painful way to go.

I'm hoping to save up enough for one last trip to the most peaceful place in the world for me, and let the night fall there one last time, but in the woods near my home would be fine too as a last resort.

I'm still here for a little while at least.
 
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Bagger

Bagger

Stressful
Jun 18, 2019
331
I'm new on this forum and i thought introducing myself here first would be a good idea. English is not my native lang so I'll try my best to keep it understandable. My name is irrelevant, i choose Bagger here to mark my interest in CTB by nitrogen gas.

I'm 28 years old male, i live in Poland, and i have some serious problems with myself that renders me unable to live a good life among society. Some of them are constant decades long depression, deep social phobia, some hidden anatomical problems, elevated cortisol level in blood stream (that points out to possible kidney or brain tumor and make my body looks strange, google it if you want - Cushing Syndrome.), depletion of energy to do basically anything, paralyzing fear of people judging me or my work, fear of doctors, fear of dentists, even fear about my fear! I can list them all day.

I live now with my ma and GF but my relationship with her is going to shit because who i am and what burden i must carry. Everything started in elementary school, I've been a beating boy in my class, been abused in many ways physically and psychically (no sex abuse thank god) and by with i live in constant fear of people and depression to this day. My mother is and was over protective, everything i needed was delivered to my room, she make everything for me. This reflected on my adult life. I don't have adequate education because i go away as far as possible from school, from people and from this awful paralyzing fear associated with them to drugs and alcohol. It was the time that i make some friendships, but they don't last long of course, drug friends are not friends at all. I completely isolate myself at home. Then I've become suicidal, though about it every time i have breakdown, that special something about ending my life keeps me somewhat happy, so i care less and less about everything by then.

Years passed by, and one day i blind message some girl on some forum that i love her nature photos. It became life changer for me, long story short i helped her to go away first from her alcoholic man, and later from abusive family, having nothing but my apartment i invited her to me, so she can have an opportunity for fresh start. After 6 years of awesome relationship, and 2 years living together i failed her to make big enough changes in my life. She become more and more irritated about my being, no job, no other life but her, and so on. She want to leave me behind, we barely talk to each other. Now all my demons are back, stronger than they ever were. I don't know what the future will deliver, but i don't give a shit tbh. Last weeks are worst time in my awful life, in desperation i was searching online for methods and discussions, and well..

Here I am. Hello.

Aside of my problems i have interest in physics, philosophy, biology and science in general. Computer tech stuff, gaming, game modding, amateur level coding, even i have my own forum one day. Those are my "passions" but they can't consume me whole anymore like they used to. I suck at math. And I'm ugly.
 
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Cleopatra123

Arcanist
Jun 8, 2019
488
I am neither sinister or a kid. But its a great song, so I went with it.

Whatever we want to call it or label it as, this is not living, depending on your own definition that is. I was very fit and active 11 yrs ago, then some bastard well and truly pulled the rug out from under me and hit me with chickenpox in my 40's. Now most will think, "Hey, its chickenpox, nothing serious" Well I spent 12 days in isolation it was that bad. Any viral infection can be lethal if the circumstances are right.

Now I have brain damage[cerebellum] can barely walk or talk and suffer depression and anxiety constantly. I keep thinking I have come to terms with what life has put before me, then I realise its BS, I still want the old me back, but it aint gonna happen. So this is what is left.

I am not sure when, not sure how, although this place has certainly given me some ideas to ponder. All I know is, it will happen at some point in time. I am exhausted. Fighting every day to find reasons to continue to remain is fckin hard work. I know others will find my dying hard to deal with, but surely knowing I am not suffering anymore, like I am right now, will ease that?

This is my life and my death and I should be allowed to control them both in any way I choose. Anyone who disagrees with that, please do not bother to interact with me.

Toodle Pip
Hello, we both have health problems. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. When I was a nurse, I took care of people with worse or similar disabilities, it was my passion to bring some light into their lives. Anyhow, I'm a 72 y/o female at the pit of a long chronic illness, and have no reason to go on anymore. Life is meaningless now, and that is something I can't stand. I don't know where you live or how old you are. I live about 100 Mi North of NYC, I don't have reliable transportation and can't drive far anyway. In any rate, I wish you the best, a day of light and less suffering :hug:
Hello all, 53yo male in myrtle beach here. Several attempts in the past, just trying to find a peaceful way out of this world, and find the info on this site very informative. Thinking about the eb/nitrogen method or SN.
Hello: I can't resist answering to you and Myrtle Beach. I am very interested in the disposable grill CO method which seems very peaceful: can be done at a beach campsite; listening to music and watching sunset and the moon. Would be a very hard trip for me, no car, and can't be up too long, but maybe there's some way to meet. I'm 72 and suffering from long term chronic illness that just too much now. Cleo
 
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Sargasm

Sargasm

Compassion makes the world go 'round.
Jun 19, 2019
103
Hello everyone, I am Sargasm.

I have been lurking here for about two months, mainly in the methods discussions.

I am a 37 year-old man, and have been dealing with severe depression and anxiety my entire life. I have fought them for as long as I could, but I just can't do it anymore. I don't have the strength to keep going, and frankly I really don't want to. I've lost everything because at this point, with rare moments of exception, I am completely unable to feel happiness. When I stopped seeing the point in fighting to maintain, I stopped maintaining, and entropy always wins in the end. Hence why I am here.

I have decided that the ratchet strap "Nite Nite" method is best for me. Quick, painless, and clean. Much like @Kooz, I learned the effectiveness of the blood choke in the military, although in my case it was the Army. I tried full suspension hanging a few times, but couldn't bring myself to step off the chair. I then tried a 9mm handgun to the side of the head countless times, but I've just never been able to trust such a small round, and couldn't pull the trigger. Maybe if I had a .357, but I don't have the money to buy one anymore. A shotgun was an option for a while, but I couldn't do that to my family. Too messy, and I just don't like the idea of turning my skull inside out. Inert gas methods sound tempting, but I don't have enough privacy to gather the materials. N would be perfect, but again, money is an issue. SN may still be an option, in addition to the ratchet strap method.

It took some fiddling around, but I have converted a hooked ratchet strap into an endless variation. Currently working out the padding that will press against the arteries. Hey, if I didn't overthink everything, I wouldn't think at all.

I think I went way past the brief introduction I originally intended, but that's me. By all means, ask me any questions you want.
 
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barny

Member
Jun 17, 2019
80
hi,
I am me, im 34.
parents were abusive to me growing up, they isolated us so we never had any other family and couldn't talk to anyone. played manipulative games, told me friends didn't really like me, etc etc.
grew up low self esteem, develop eating disorder and depression at young age, tried to CTB at 16. had a situation at work a couple years ago where I was accused of something, then tried to CTB because of it, ended up in psych ward which made me worse. finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder after thinking I could fly. rarely manic though, mostly depressed. Have other medical problems which mean i cant do much and gets me down. have no friends, dont trust anyone. feel very alone. no one I can talk to.
 
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Sunset764

Sunset764

Member
May 27, 2019
44
Hey,
I am 19 and going to be 20 in a few days. I have severe depression and struggle to get out of bed. I'm really bad at making introductions and and I suck at talking to people online because of my autism. I have a few hobbies which include:
-Watching anime
-Drawing (not so well)
-Playing the clarinet (really badly though)
-Writing stories
-Reading

I really don't know how to end this post, so I guess that I'll thank you guys for reading.
 
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Alpha_Draco_Pegasus

Alpha_Draco_Pegasus

Member
Jun 16, 2019
48
Hi guys! I'm very happy to have found this forum community. Pro-choice support and advice for suicide methods is just what I was looking for. I'm eager to become part of a social group with who I can express my feelings, thoughts, concerns, ideas and beliefs with without inhibition or worry of persecution.

I'm a 26 year old white male living in California. I temporarily am living in a half-way house for recovering addicts with co-existing mental disorders (mine is Bi-Polar II). I've struggled with OCD which for me most noticeably emerged around age 10, along with generalized anxiety and later depression. I started to abuse alcohol and cannabis at ages 19-20 and became addicted to crystal meth a couple years later. My addiction and irresponsibility led to termination of my job and eviction from my housing. When I was not in rehab I was homeless. In September 2017 I successfully completed my last drug treatment program and moved into the transitional housing where I still reside today.

I've been mostly asocial for most of my post-pubescent life. At age 14 I became entangled with online chat rooms and games and enjoyed those as a social outlet because I was shy and unassertive in real life. I had a few friends during my last year in high school and maintained them for a couple years afterward but due to social anxiety and somewhat of a disinterest in meeting and spending time with other people, I preferred solitude. I enjoyed wandering around town, the woods, parks, etc by myself, smoking cannabis, cigarettes and looking for ways to score booze as a late teenager. I enjoyed UK Hardcore/Happy Hardcore, Techno, Gabber, Acid House, Trance, and Industrial music as well as some Metal, '90s Hardcore Hip-hop, and maybe a little of other stuff.

Well I don't want to get carried away with a moment-by-moment life story here. Down to the point of this site: SUICIDE. I first decided that I wanted to commit suicide at age 16, ten years ago, when I was a sophomore in high school sitting in chemistry class. I remember the exact moment. I had socially isolated myself and was swept up in anger and depression which had been worsening since age 13. I saw it that there was nothing to look forward to - school was a bunch of hard work, junior and senior year would be harder, and I couldn't imagine ever graduating. I couldn't imagine getting a girlfriend or a driver's license. Life was just a bunch of dreaded tasks I was obligated to complete, from my outlook. And then 4 years of college afterwards? A job, and all the responsibilities of being an adult? Forget about it. Everything took so much effort, I was emotionally repressed inside, and all I wanted to do was binge eat cookie dough (this was before I had access to drugs and cigarettes).

Well although there's so much more I could delve into I should really start to wrap it up here. If you're still reading at this point - I love you, you're my best friend. Thank you for taking interest in me. I probably would not be interested in you though, sorry! =P I still listen compassionately and am empathetic and have a good heart for others. I try, I give others a chance, it's just usually others' lives don't really catch my attention too well. Or maybe my ego just drowns them all out, who knows. I'm over psychoanalysis, I don't care for any of that stuff anymore. I want to try to make stuff not all about me any more and I would like to become less opinionated about things so I do not become so emotionally reactive.

Okay, LAST PARAGRAPH, I PROMISE! So I've been suicidal on and off for 10 years. It came and went, the addiction distracted me probably from taking any action towards doing it. Now I am committed to sobriety and actually have plenty of life opportunities. I'm fit, attractive, work full time and go to school part time (to my despise) and am planning on moving to my own apartment in a more affordable part of the state. I feel most unfulfilled sexually, and my dissatisfaction with my sexual experiences hits the big nerve for me. That's a touchy subject and I'm sure it really ties into all of this. I could say my big life goal is to fall in love, find a woman I am attracted to, marry and live with happily, but that's just supposedly the "prize" at the end after I overcome all of these obstacles, such as emotional regulation, successful long-term sobriety, financial security, and most of all, AMBITION (a quality which I know a woman values in a man). I really have no more interests or curiosities about the world. I used to be interested in philosophy but I've just stepped away from it all. Interests are a lot of work, aren't they? Why has depression gotten me so LAZY?

Okay, last couple sentences: This time I have actually made a more... intellectual? thoughtful? informed? decision to commit suicide and I want to do it with a SHOTGUN! I'm working on getting my research done for all of that and maybe I can pull it off by the end of the year after I move. Explaining why my decision feels more adamant this time would be many many more paragraphs.

That's it folks! If you actually read this whole thing, THANK YOU! Let me know and I will seriously consider you to be one of my new friends. I don't like anyone in this town I live in! A bunch of ICKY NORMIES! Ewwwwww normal people...
 
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C

Chem

New Member
May 29, 2019
1
Hello everyone. 47,M,Cali. Ive attempted to ctb in the past. Failed a few years back using co2. That and surgery earlier in the year left me with some pretty bad side effects that seem to be permanent. I pretty much gave up after that and stopped caring. Only reason im still here is i have a 14yr old son. It just kills me to think how he'll react when i finally do go. I have been distancing myself from him which also sucks but i think itll help in the long run. I dunno. My father also did ctb years ago so, for my sons sake, i sure hope it doesnt run in the family.

Anyways, found this site googling info on different ways to ctb. Kinda refreshing to be able to interact with people that are going through the same thing. Thanks for accepting me.
 
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Theon

Theon

Experienced
Jun 20, 2019
241
Hey everyone, just joined. I've gotten to the place where I want to end things because I have ruined my life. Every aspect. My mind, my body, all my relationships, my career, my finances. I was very successful in my career for many years. The success came at a price though. The stress from one particular job led to me trying methamphetamine, which I became addicted to. A couple of days of using at first but then, I began to binge for weeks at a time, not sleeping for days on end. I went to rehab several times but continued to relapse. Last year, after one long binge, I was left in a permanent state of anhedonia. Unable to experience any pleasure whatsoever. Along with that I began to struggle with extreme anxiety. I began abusing my prescription Xanax which only made the anxiety worse. It's now been over a year and the anxiety especially has derailed every aspect of my life. I used to be upbeat, fun, funny, clever. Now I'm just a hollow shell of a person. I barely leave the house. I have a job starting in a few weeks and I'm terrified I won't be able to do it. I have no appetite, no sex drive. I sleep very little. I can't even exercise. I'm no longer living...I'm just existing. To make things worse, my deep insecurities and body dysmorphia led me to get a series of cosmetic surgeries. I now long for the days before I spent endless amounts of money on procedures that were either ill advised or just plain botched. I have lost all hope that things will get better. A few weeks ago I wrote suicide notes and was planning on ending things with pills and a bag over my head. Within seconds of trying the bag on I freaked out. I spent days drinking, buys drugs with the intent of OD'ing on them but couldn't bring myself to do it. I told my psychiatrist who said to go to the hospital ER or he would call the police. I spent three days in a mental hospital which was one of the worst experiences of my life. I now know if you are serious about doing this, just do it and don't tell anyone you know you are thinking about it. Oh, and I took the name Theon because I feel as broken as that Game of Thrones character. Feel free to say hello.
 
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Alpha_Draco_Pegasus

Alpha_Draco_Pegasus

Member
Jun 16, 2019
48
Hey everyone, just joined. ...
Welcome Theon, fellow meth addict. I'm sorry to hear about your current state. Drugs can ruin or at the least severely compromise a life, and it's very very hard to get back on track. At a point it becomes impossible. Only you can tell what the prognosis is for your case. I live in a half-way housing community for recovering addicts with mental illness. This one guy, age 31, smoked so much meth in his life, he became diagnosed with schizophrenia, hears voices incessantly, suffers severe cognitive disorganization and throws up every day from taking his meds which are supposed to help him. He's basically retarded and I'm guessing he used to be normal.

Meth sucks man. I had a year clean, and then relapsed twice in the last 6 months. Self-regulation, self-control, moderation, it's all impossible for me now. At least you aren't this retarded kid who I was talking about. Maybe there is still hope for you and you can revive your condition to as it was in a prior state. It just takes a long, long time... and it's mad hard. It's a sheer endurance test. I'm here for ya pal.
 
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Theon

Theon

Experienced
Jun 20, 2019
241
Welcome Theon, fellow meth addict. I'm sorry to hear about your current state. Drugs can ruin or at the least severely compromise a life, and it's very very hard to get back on track. At a point it becomes impossible. Only you can tell what the prognosis is for your case. I live in a half-way housing community for recovering addicts with mental illness. This one guy, age 31, smoked so much meth in his life, he became diagnosed with schizophrenia, hears voices incessantly, suffers severe cognitive disorganization and throws up every day from taking his meds which are supposed to help him. He's basically retarded and I'm guessing he used to be normal.

Meth sucks man. I had a year clean, and then relapsed twice in the last 6 months. Self-regulation, self-control, moderation, it's all impossible for me now. At least you aren't this retarded kid who I was talking about. Maybe there is still hope for you and you can revive your condition to as it was in a prior state. It just takes a long, long time... and it's mad hard. It's a sheer endurance test. I'm here for ya pal.
Thank you Alpha, I appreciate that. I'm definitely not schizophrenic, though there were times after being awake for days on end where I went into a complete psychosis.
 
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Cluesome
Apr 5, 2018
1,733
Hello, comrades. Let my name be Amari, for today. It's made up of course, so are all names, but at least I like this one. It doesn't sound overly masculine or feminine, not too soft or too crude, and starts with A, just right...
My subjective well-being drastically improved since I started considering suicide as a favorable outcome over sustaining my current life form.
I had anger issues (or, should I say, my peers had issues with my anger) since age 4. Later in life I was negatively conditioned to repress anger, my only defense from the perceived wrongdoing, along with many other emotions and gut instinct. I've been basically a growing vegetable for 9 years. I still am to some extent. I didn't cared about school anymore, or about my goals and dreams, could barely even tie my shoes. I still feel like some sort of emotional degenerate. I'm trying to understand things intellectually that are inherently known to normal people. Like basics of the game theory showed how bullying is bad for me and how to deal with it effectively and efficiently.
Or that sentences, in addition to literal meaning, have intentional and true meanings too. Like how intentionally mocking questions may sound completely acceptable on a literal level.

I don't have psychiatric labels because I haven't been checked with any of them.
I don't battle suicidal urges. I battle the urge to live.
I wan't to depart via full suspension + masturbation as a natural sweetener. I'm not much into neurobiology, like almost not at all, and don't know all how's and why's about pleasure, but I intuit it will be used in the spirit of aikido - against its own wielder and in my favor.
I'm currently living on a full sustenance of my relatives. I don't have any gold income or a specialty other than expertise in CS 1.6. Did I mentioned I've been videogame addict for 16 years? Needless to say I've never been in close, beneficial relationships. Not that I'm whining... I think its totally normal not to be if you're not perceived as useful by others since I believe that mutual benefit is a glue for non-hostile relationships.
I like amusing poems, mobrid humor and radical honesty. I enjoy drawing muscle girls, playing CRPG rich in thoughtful dialogues and listening to music that doesn't make my ears bleed.
I don't booze, smoke or snort.
I had some mild, unpleasant health conitions, like chronic muscle and connective tissue pain, muscle cramps, twitches (ok I lied, this one is actually funny), constant brain fog, tiredness... standard misery suite. Thanks to a benevolent redditor, all of them were alleviated by better nutrition, not antidepressants (deSADants) or painkillers or exercise.

Ok, that is all for now. Thanks you for your time.
 
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