Introduce yourself

[told.you.so]

Hello. I'm a 28 yr old female from the Philippines. I'd like to introduce myself but it hit me that I don't know who am I anymore. Just got abandoned by my ex-boyfriend who physically and emotionally abused me for 4 years. He robbed me off my life and all that's left of me are depression, anxiety and PTSD.

 

[Kyrok]

Hello @told.you.so. Welcome to death's door. Sorry to hear about the path which led you here.
How long has it been since your ex left?

 

[told.you.so]

Hello @told.you.so. Welcome to death's door. Sorry to hear about the path which led you here.
How long has it been since your ex left?

It's been more than a month. Never left the house since then, well, except for a few trips to my psychiatrist.

 

[Kyrok]

Is this the first damaging relationship for you?

 

[essbet]

Hi, I'm Eva, age 32, living in Belgium. I've done nearly everything I've wanted to in life, kept hoping the next change would make the difference for me. I have great treatment, great support network (well, considering how reclusive I have become), great family, but my self hatred and inability to enjoy anything hasn't really changed.

I feel like I've done the responsible things to try to change things, but they haven't worked, so I'm ready to ctb.

I have had diagnosed depression since I was 14, had 2 serious suicide attempts (at age 16 (wristcutting - well, I thought it was serious) and 20 (overdose - spent 3 days in the MICU)). Have also had several goes at partial hanging this winter and in 2017, but I can't get over the pain/panic and I'm at my wit's end about it.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi, I'm Eva, age 32, living in Belgium. I've done nearly everything I've wanted to in life, kept hoping the next change would make the difference for me. I have great treatment, great support network (well, considering how reclusive I have become), great family, but my self hatred and inability to enjoy anything hasn't really changed.

I feel like I've done the responsible things to try to change things, but they haven't worked, so I'm ready to ctb.

I have had diagnosed depression since I was 14, had 2 serious suicide attempts (at age 16 (wristcutting - well, I thought it was serious) and 20 (overdose - spent 3 days in the MICU)). Have also had several goes at partial hanging this winter and in 2017, but I can't get over the pain/panic and I'm at my wit's end about it.

Welcome Eva xx

 

[SkyBlue]

I thought I'd give a small introduction as well, so. Hi everyone, my name is SkyBlue, 26, currently studying at university, from central EU. I've been through some rough times, including mental illness and some devastating blows. It doesn't matter anymore, I want to live. Stumbled upon this forum when I hit a particularly low point some months ago. Been following ever since. There's been quite a few things on here that have shook me to the bone, oh well. But I still come around.
I might probably not have all that much to post. But there are certain things about this community that I like. And if I have one thing to say, it is that I deeply wish for everyone to make it out alive.

Friendly regards, SB

 

[Borghesia]

Meet me, mid 20s. I've been suffering from severe anxiety and depression for most of my life. I've missed out on pretty much everything normal people experience growing up. Naturally, I'm a kissless virgin. Haven't worked a day in my life. My parents still fund me, I feel like a leech. Whenever an opportunity arose in my life, I backed out. I was once in therapy, didn't help much. I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist / therapist later this year but it's mostly just because some things have come up that I'd like to talk to a professional about. And for someone to hear my story in its entirety in case I don't manage to write a sufficient farewell note (I must've written a dozen drafts by now).

Objectively, I wasn't dealt the worst cards in this life but it just wasn't meant to be I guess..

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Hello everyone! I'm a 34 year old female and I live in the US with my husband and dog. 2 years ago my health took a turn for the worse and now I have multiple illnesses and live with severe daily chronic pain. I was just about to get married and buy my first home, when I got sick. I was actually pretty content with my life pre-illness, but now I feel like I have no choice but to CTB. Either live a life of never ending pain for possibly the next 50 years, or CTB and destroy my family. I'm hoping to meet like minded people here, since as i'm sure you all know, that can be rare to find IRL or even most of the internet.

 

[Burbank]

Heya! I'm a girl in late teens from Estonia. Pretty depressed and suicidal, so joined to find other people like me. Very happy that this little community exists! :)

I have been depressed since i was 10 or 11, most likely due to childhood abuse. I suffer from ED and show strong signs of Schizotypal personality. Due to that i lack any normal social experience irl and feel lonely most of the time. I am totally up to finding internet pals, so if you want to chat, hit me up!

I listen to music all the time, i would probably go crazy if i didn't have Spotify. I also have deep love for art, fashion, makeup and anything 60s and 70s. I love my cat more than i love anything else in this world.

 

[told.you.so]

Heya! I'm a girl in late teens from Estonia. Pretty depressed and suicidal, so joined to find other people like me. Very happy that this little community exists! :)

I have been depressed since i was 10 or 11, most likely due to childhood abuse. I suffer from ED and show strong signs of Schizotypal personality. Due to that i lack any normal social experience irl and feel lonely most of the time. I am totally up to finding internet pals, so if you want to chat, hit me up!

I listen to music all the time, i would probably go crazy if i didn't have Spotify. I also have deep love for art, fashion, makeup and anything 60s and 70s. I love my cat more than i love anything else in this world.

Welcome Burbank!

 

[Burbank]

Welcome Burbank!

Thank you!

 

[David Richardson]

Hello everyone. I am a male from Brazil, who is half English and lives in England. Not much I can talk about. I joined to motivate myself to ctb and to find more information about it. I have three main reasons for my feelings that I can find. Mother, love and mind. My mother passed away nearly two years ago, and since then my mental state has been constantly deteriorating. I have considered getting help however I think that it will only make things a lot worse, especially regarding my relationships with my family and friends. My mental state has led to the collapse of friendships, one of them being with the most important person of my life. Although I have messed things up, I also feel like she has done a lot against me. For example, it feels like she 'weaponizes' my home life to use it against me. I have always had thoughts of ctb, however she has certainly acted as a catalyst.
After two incidents, I am now preparing myself to ctb. I am tired of being a coward. Although I still have doubts, I am stocking up on resources to ctb. Sometimes I can't help but feel proud of myself to how secretive I am about this side of my life. I am doing everything to prevent people I don't want to know from knowing, regardless of how hard it is to hide the signs. I have told a few of my friends directly. They simply see it as another joke.
About myself, I like to draw, listen to music and watch shows on netflix. My favorite bands are Nirvana, The Clash and The Rolling Stones. My favorite netflix series is definitely Narcos, the original and the Mexican one.
I'm sorry if that was boring and very long or if I broke a rule. I'm getting used to this as I go along.

 

[SeekingSolace]

Hello everyone. I am a male from Brazil, who is half English and lives in England. Not much I can talk about. I joined to motivate myself to ctb and to find more information about it. I have three main reasons for my feelings that I can find. Mother, love and mind. My mother passed away nearly two years ago, and since then my mental state has been constantly deteriorating. I have considered getting help however I think that it will only make things a lot worse, especially regarding my relationships with my family and friends. My mental state has led to the collapse of friendships, one of them being with the most important person of my life. Although I have messed things up, I also feel like she has done a lot against me. For example, it feels like she 'weaponizes' my home life to use it against me. I have always had thoughts of ctb, however she has certainly acted as a catalyst.
After two incidents, I am now preparing myself to ctb. I am tired of being a coward. Although I still have doubts, I am stocking up on resources to ctb. Sometimes I can't help but feel proud of myself to how secretive I am about this side of my life. I am doing everything to prevent people I don't want to know from knowing, regardless of how hard it is to hide the signs. I have told a few of my friends directly. They simply see it as another joke.
About myself, I like to draw, listen to music and watch shows on netflix. My favorite bands are Nirvana, The Clash and The Rolling Stones. My favorite netflix series is definitely Narcos, the original and the Mexican one.
I'm sorry if that was boring and very long or if I broke a rule. I'm getting used to this as I go along.

Hey David, welcome to SS! We look forward to chatting with you. Hopefully this site can provide you with some comfort as well. :-)

 

[David Richardson]

Hey David, welcome to SS! We look forward to chatting with you. Hopefully this site can provide you with some comfort as well. :-)

Thank you very much!

 

[TheCrow]

Thank you very much!

Did you watch Montage as Heck? SO good.

 

[David Richardson]

Did you watch Montage as Heck? SO good.

Yeah, just a few weeks ago. I loved it. Enjoyed all of it.

 

[TheCrow]

Yeah, just a few weeks ago. I loved it. Enjoyed all of it.

Right?! I've seen it so many times. Can't see it enough.

 

[SirChuxAlot]

Hey everyone,
I rather not put out my name but I am sure you can make a guess by my username. Anyways, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Order about a year ago after I was forced to go to therapy after a break up. It was highly encouraged I continued to go but I did not as I had quit my job that gave me health insurance at the time (the girl I was going through a break up with worked with me, bad mistake I know).
Since then, I have had troubles keeping friends with my mood swings and as of recent, thoughts of suicide which I also use to have in my teens as I was bullied throughout middle and high school for obesity (was 400 lbs and am now at 165 and have been since I was 17). I also just recently parted ways with someone I thought was a best friend which has added on to the rest of the baggage such as also have Severe Ulcerative Pancolitis which I currently do not take medicine for.

I just recently told my mother had depression and she admitted to me that it runs in our family along with suicide (she doesn't know I have suicidal ideation and am afraid to admit this in person, even to therapists.)

For the TLDR, I am a loser and looking for people to connect and communicate with that share similar issues. So far, I have fallen in love with this site and hope to spend years getting to know you all.

 

[JohnUK]

Hi

My name is John. Male from southern uk and 31 years old. Suffered many rejections in life , had severe on off depression, just coming to the point where I can not see myself living anymore

 

[lululoo]

Hello everyone! I'm a 34 year old female and I live in the US with my husband and dog. 2 years ago my health took a turn for the worse and now I have multiple illnesses and live with severe daily chronic pain. I was just about to get married and buy my first home, when I got sick. I was actually pretty content with my life pre-illness, but now I feel like I have no choice but to CTB. Either live a life of never ending pain for possibly the next 50 years, or CTB and destroy my family. I'm hoping to meet like minded people here, since as i'm sure you all know, that can be rare to find IRL or even most of the internet.

Welcome, WhiteRabbit. You'll find you're not alone on the chronic illness train here. I am 35 and have chronic pain and illness that makes me want to die though I also wanted to die before it all started. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Welcome, WhiteRabbit. You'll find you're not alone on the chronic illness train here. I am 35 and have chronic pain and illness that makes me want to die though I also wanted to die before it all started. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Thank you luluoo, i'm sorry you're going through this too : (

Chronic pain is dreadful, I never expected to be this bad off in my 30's.

 

[Kyrok]

Hi @WhiteRabbit , chronic pain here too. 4yrs from retirement but struggling with so much pain I'm not sure if I can make it.

@JohnUK ... hi John, welcome to death's door

 

[CozyTime]

Hi Sanctioned Suicide I used to be a redditor on the sub and been lurking for a while on this site. I wanted to start contributing and being a part of some conversations so I decided to sign up anyway you can call me Cozy and I'm 19 from Sweden diagnosed with OCD, PTSD and Depression.

I'd say overall I have been very lucky in life, I have been blessed with a good family that takes care and cares for me as well as amazing friends. I have for sure been more lucky than most in those terms however despite that it feels like I was never really given a chance to enjoy life.
When I was around 11 I found a good friend and classmate having hung herself in a storage room at the school, its hard to remember it on the spot but the PTSD makes sure I get to revisit the memory in extreme detail almost every single night or if I am suddenly faced with any depiction or reference to hanging. That might make you question why I would willingly browse this site but whenever I go onto here I am mentally prepared to see pictures, discussions etc. while usually in daily life I wouldn't be thus triggering flashbacks.

I started having thoughts of suicide and other intrusive thoughts after it happened and I started to become quite anti social, depressed one would probably call it. I started seeking out forums (similar to this one) when I was around 13 and started talking to a guy named Alex who had been through something very similar to me. We talked for about 2 years and I considered him a best friend but one day he too decided to CTB. I don't blame him but I wish he had told me his plans, it was sudden and it hurt but ultimately I understood his choice.

I started going out because I actually wanted to TRY and live life, I tried really hard and I had reconnected with 2 old friends, they helped me deal with the loss of my friend Alex and my nightmares and intrusive thoughts but eventually what was an "okay" time in my life (I hadn't felt okay in a really long while) had to come to an end and while my 2 friends were driving on the way to a movie they were hit by a drunk driver not only killing them both but the drunk driver survived and only got 18 years in prison while I was hoping for a life sentence.

I've had to deal with other deaths of people I loved later on but I think most at this point understand why I'd want to CTB.

Tried to kill myself once by overdosing on spice and I don't recommend it, trying to overdose while impacted by drugs that aren't extremely lethal makes it easy to fuck it up and all it did was me waking up in my own pile of puke at a junkie house with the worst headache of my life. I only tried by using it due to the fact that the news were reporting a high fatality rate.

Very recently started taking anti depressant called Sertralin and I don't really have any idea what to expect so I'd appreciate to hear any advice/experiences on it.

I'm looking forward to interacting with everyone and hopefully getting to know some of you, my DM's are always open and I am extremely open minded.

 

[color_me_gone]

you can call me Cozy

Hi Cozy, welcome to SS.
Man, you've had some pretty traumatic shit happen to you in your life. That sucks.
I am sorry that you had to go through that multiple times.

I have just lost a couple of close friends on here in the last few weeks, and yah, it really sucks!
I will say that I was aware that it was going to happen, but it is still hard, I am still grieving.
So I just want to warn you of the reality here. Be prepared! It might happen to you again.
You might want to think about that.

But the people on here are just great!
We really love each other - we share a bond that you can't get outside of here.
I feel like we are a fraternity. This site is probably the friendliest place on the Internet.
Funny how people have to want to die before they start loving each other?

The rules don't allow posting ctb pictures here, so you don't have to worry about that.
There is a lot of good information in the resource section about various methods.
And then there are threads dedicated to various method where people discuss things.

overdosing on spice and I don't recommend it

Lol
We try to discourage methods that don't work and fuck up you life with a lot of pain.
You probably noticed that careful planning is encouraged here.
Decide which method sounds best to you.
Then study that method carefully. Get everything you need. Follow the details precisely.
No method is 100% foolproof. IMO, some methods are more foolproof that others.
But some methods are better for some than others due to logistics.
For that reason, there are many methods.

Good luck and best wishes to you Cozy.
Feel free to PM me once your ability to do that is enabled.
BTW: we neither encourage nor discourage anyone to ctb.
If you feel you can come out of the pit, we will help you do that.
If you feel you need to ctb, we will help you do that too.
We love you Cozy!

 

[Leafs1201]

Hi, Leafs1201 here from England, having daily thoughts about ending things but consider myself a coward, at the same time I'm so unhappy due to a marriage break up (my fault) and my kids have rejected me ever since and haven't seen them for the last 16 months, even though I have a child with the woman I'm with now it is just to hard to carry on without my other children, I've always felt down for years and years and now find it hard to enjoy anything, I feel a bit embarrassed writing this as reading other people's problems on here make mine feel inadequate.

 

[meaningisgone]

I'm 37. Except in the rarest and most fleeting of instances, I've always been a disaster with money and holding jobs. It's gotten to the point where I can't make myself try anymore. I live with my mom and stepdad, but they can't accept that I am not moving "forward" in life so this living situation is full of constant tension and conflict. I've struggled with depression for nearly my whole life, but it's gotten worse than ever over this past year. I regularly sleep about 16 hours. The other day I slept for a whole 24. Sleep is pretty much the only tolerable part of life for me. I'm totally stuck and have no idea how to change or improve.

This is all made worse by the fact that I've gained about 150 lb over these past few years. My body is really uncomfortable and stiff, I don't have clothes that fit properly, and my self-esteem is in the toilet. It's usually hard for me to be around anyone, even the one or two people in my life that still try to be my friend.

Which reminds me. Part of why I'm so down is because back in 2015 or so, I was doing comparatively well in life. I still sucked with money but I had a job I liked and co-workers that felt like family. I was socially dynamic and had a lot going for me academically too. It's hard to explain what happened, but the downward spiral visibly started in 2015. People I thought would be dear friends forever turned their backs on me. I lost my job, I left school,, I ended up at my mom and stepdad's and have now become a total recluse. I've become someone I don't recognize, and I feel like I am completely rejected and forgotten by people who used to be a special part of my life. I've stopped having dreams for the future. I've never known how to function in society, that is completely non-intuitive to me.

I definitely want to die. For some reason, I can't bring myself to go through with it. I guess it's that annoying survival instinct. But I honestly feel like 100% of me is ready to go. I've had suicidal thoughts a lot through my adult life, but now days it seems to be just about all I think about. My obsession with suicide brought me here. So, hello.

 

[meaningisgone]

Hi, Leafs1201 here from England, having daily thoughts about ending things but consider myself a coward, at the same time I'm so unhappy due to a marriage break up (my fault) and my kids have rejected me ever since and haven't seen them for the last 16 months, even though I have a child with the woman I'm with now it is just to hard to carry on without my other children, I've always felt down for years and years and now find it hard to enjoy anything, I feel a bit embarrassed writing this as reading other people's problems on here make mine feel inadequate.

Almost ten years ago, I dated a woman who had three kids. We were together for only about a year, but during that time I felt like a father for the first time in my life. That was more valuable to me than just about anything I've ever experienced. I even stupidly promised those kids I'd never leave them. So when it couldn't work out between me and their mother, I felt an enormous guilt. The void in my life that was left behind when we parted ways has never really been filled since. And we were only together a year... So basically what I am saying is, I can only imagine the gravity of what you're going through. Your problems are not inadequate. From one broken person to another, much love.

 

[CozyTime]

Good luck and best wishes to you Cozy.
Feel free to PM me once your ability to do that is enabled.
BTW: we neither encourage nor discourage anyone to ctb.
If you feel you can come out of the pit, we will help you do that.
If you feel you need to ctb, we will help you do that too.
We love you Cozy!

I appreciate the warm welcome and I'm sorry you recently had to go through loss as well.
Thanks for explaining some of the basics for me and yeah I realize life will make me go through even more loss and at this point I think I have become used to the feeling and I basically expect everyone to die at any moment. Sister going to drive somewhere? Better be mentally prepared she'll get killed in traffic.
Best friend going for a swim? Better be mentally prepared he could slip and break his head on a rock.

Its essentially how I think about everything at this point, its tiring but helped me dealt with loss with minimal pain. Expect the worst basically.

 

[Chlo]

Hi, I'm Chloe. Long time lurker, finally decided to make a profile yesterday. Almost 25 years old, been diagnosed with bipolar II, depression, and anxiety. Not currently taking medication for any of that, self medicate with alcohol mostly. Like others have mentioned, I too am very bad at holding down a job, and will soon be without a home in an unfamiliar part of America with no nearby family, friends, or income. This, and the heartbreak I still feel regarding the break up with my ex, a man twice my age I was with for over four years, are my two main stressors, though the break up happened almost three years ago...truly believe I'll never love like that again and it saddens me so much. Tired of embarrassing myself in front of people I know irl, so happy to have this forum as an outlet. Hi.