Heya. I could write pages upon pages (maybe even a whole book) on all the bad in my life. In sum for a hopefully short introduction, I'm a 26 year-old transwoman, though I still have to socially live as male due to living in a red state within the U.S. where discrimination is rampant with family, friends, and with trying to obtain employment. I've dealt with a lot of psychological abuse for being transgendered, and have experienced a lot of dark shit. I'm on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and have been for four years now, but socioecomic and familial discrimination keep me in the closet even though most strangers address me as female now. Neither here nor there, being trans has screwed up my life in a multitude of ways, and in a way, sometimes makes me feel like I've never really lived. Like, it feels like I've never really had a "real" childhood, a "real" teenagehood, and a "real" young adulthood, if that makes any sense. Just feels like life is passing me by, and in order to literally stay alive, I have to keep being something I'm not. If I try to be me, well...my depression makes me feel like I'll die if I try to do so. Went through several years of repression and self-hatred by internalizing everyone else's transphobia into myself. Yeah, not a fun experience, and one I deeply regret.
Despite having a master's degree, I've had to fear over food and shelter for numerous portions of my life. Fear of homelessness, especially from last year, has greatly worsened my depression. I have been battling depression and anxiety for some time, however. Currently on an antidepressant, and am getting some counseling, but I've kept anything suicide-related strictly to myself for fear of involuntary committment, and also due to not being looked down upon. I've kept suicidal stuff to myself for almost my whole life, and the one time I told my father, he told me that I was being "too emotional, overly dramatic, and quite frankly, selfish." So yeah...this place seems like the only place where I could freely talk about the subject without fear of judgement or instantly getting committed to mental hospital and being treated like a criminal.
As for suicide itself, well...I've survived two attempts (hanging and two games of Russian roulette), and backed out of three plans (another hanging, poison gas, and inert gas asphyixation). I've been at the edge of death, got a taste of what the pain from dying is like, and here I am. Haven't had ideation in over a month which is nice, but past attempts haunt me, even though I like to pretend they never happened. At times I really do crave death, while at other times I'm still glad I'm alive. Maybe it's the survival mechanism that kicks in at the last moment? Maybe it's the fear over how painful dying is? Maybe it's just working through my psyche over all the bad I've been through? I don't know. But that's why I'm here; to sort through my thoughts and talk to others who have been or are in that dark hole. It...helps being able to talk to others about some of this stuff. For now at least, I want to try to improve my life and focus on living, but in order to get better, well...sometimes you have to process and heal the wounds of the past. If I ever do decide to eventually end it, well it at least helps not being alone whilst doing so.
