Hello, I hope you guys don't mind if this text becomes a tad bit long.
I think I should be honest in that compared to most people here I've always had it very easy, but I still somehow grew into a quite depressed and isolated person over the years. I can function and maintain myself just fine, but the simple truth is that I don't want to live anymore.
I'm nearly unable to have meaningful or enjoyable interactions with people unless they're immediate family or my closest friend. Around others I turn into an off-putting weirdo and I cannot ever just have a natural, relaxed conversation. It absolutely amazes me that there are people who view talking to others as a normal and natural thing to do. There is also the issue that I don't even want to interact with others. I'm not interested in most other people and at the same time I'm also incredibly boring to them. I feel like I'm on a completely different wavelengths than others and this means that at best an interaction with someone will be boring and meaningless, and at worst I will turn into an anxious mess during and afterwards. I don't think I need to get started on relationships lmao.
I'm not one of these super intelligent, passionate nerdy types either; you know, the ones that end up pursuing some amazing career as scientists or something like that. I don't have a dream job, as the few things that interest me aren't worth money (because the only thing that matters is how much value you can produce for your shitty-ass boss and for the economy) and fuck getting up every day for the next 40 years (at least) for some bullshit job I hate. I'm in college right now, pursuing a major that's almost completely useless and that doesn't even interest me that much either and it also fucking sucks.
I've seen many people with depression who are absolutely great, talented and passionate people underneath their illness, but I'm not like that. I don't have passions anymore and the only thing that makes me feel at ease is spending time alone in my room, playing video games or playing guitar, but I can't even get myself to do these things every day. I mean, fuck... it shouldn't be such a struggle to just watch a movie, but it is like this for everything. I never feel genuine enjoyment beyond a surface level and I'm unable to just be "in the moment" the way normal people can.
I don't see a point in living. I don't want a family, I don't desire relationships anymore, I don't have a dream job, I don't have passions and I don't have a big goal in life. Not to mention that this planet is going to be absolutely wrecked by climate change soon anyways.
I keep up a facade for my parents and my sister, all of whom I love deeply, but behind that facade I'm only going through the motions, "waiting until the clock runs out" as somebody called it. I'm constantly tired and everything feels like a drag. The only thing I wanna do is go full NEET and then off myself once I get sick of that also, but I couldn't do that because I don't want to hurt my parents.
I'm not sure, but I think I may have dysthymia or Persistent Depressive Disorder as it's also known. I haven't really bothered to talk to somebody about it, although I did look up quite a lot of stuff online. The fun part is that under articles and videos on the topic there's always tons and tons of comments by people who are in their 50s or even 60s and they're always like: "I've suffered from this almost all of my life and nothing has helped, but what can you do :-)" and I think I might be headed for the same thing. I can't bear the thought of having to be here for another 60 years or so.
That's the reason I'm here. I'll probably not ctb until my parents are gone, but neutral information on suicide methods and communities like this one have been a great source of comfort for me regardless. I appreciate that there are other people out there who don't buy into this idea that every person must continue to live for as long as physically possible, regardless of whether they want to or not.
Sorry again this text got so long.
