Hey there everyone, I'm Bleu. A 20-something year old Transgender Cop [Yeah I know, ACAB and all that, I agree to an extent.] who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Type I, and have some sort of anxiety disorder. I have always had the intrusive thoughts of CTB since I was really young, although I always figured it was a normal feeling until I became a teenager. I spent my entire life growing and molding myself into the most cliché masculine man that I always figured I had to be in this world. Only to find out when I graduated high school and left for the military that it wasn't me and that my entire life was a lie, but of course, after 18 years, how do you tell everyone you know and love that you're not who you say you are?
Anyways, after experiencing some traumatic things in my line of work that, in my own mind, there is no coming back from. Not that I'm complaining, since it was my own choice to do this job after all. However, I have attempted to CTB about four times in the last five years with no success. Thankfully in my particular cases, it wasn't bad enough that I couldn't hide it and carry on aside from some bruising to my throat once or twice. I have attempted to seek help through therapy and medication, bouncing from Seroquel, Prozac, and Abilify although of course, nothing ever works enough. At this stage in my life, I don't necessarily want to leave because I don't want to hurt all my family and friends, despite how recklessly they treat me in return, but I have never been able to get rid of the regular thoughts of ideation.
Ironically enough, I came across this site during some work-related stuff. However, after scouring it in my own time I have found that I am much more comfortable here than any where else as I feel as though I can speak freely about my thoughts on the subject at hand and not feel persecuted which is probably the most relieved I have felt in the last decade or so.
TL:DR, I'm pretty much the most cliche transgender story you can think of, aside from having a pretty spicy job.
