Introduce yourself

[leloyon]

I wanted to introduce myself but couldn't find a thread like this until just now, which says how stupid I am. Forgive any mistakes, it is sorta rushed.
I would prefer to be called Ain (pseudonym) though call me whatever you want (for anyone wondering, my username is from a Hanatarash song). I am an 18 year old trans-girl(?) (I identify as female but I am surrounded by people I know wouldn't accept me nor will I be alive anyway so I haven't made any attempts to transition in real life) who has suffered from mental illness my entire life due to genetics. My diagnosed illnesses are:
-Dysthymia
-Selective mutism
-Social anxiety
-Autism
-OCD
and those are just the ones I know of, I have other symptoms like severe paranoia, derealisation/depersonalisation, severe cleithrophobia (fear of being trapped), occasional hallucinations, bad sleep schedule (currently awake at 6AM having woke up at 5PM), bad eating habits (last Monday I ate my first meal since that Friday), gender dysphoria, among other things.
I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember due to both of my parents suffering from depression. I suffered from neglect due to them being depressed as well. Ever since I was 12 my life has been a wreck, mostly been out of school due to being unable to cope with normal life but been in school since last year to sit my exams (2 years later than everyone else) though I have given up hope. My life, due to both my mental illnesses and my poor life decisions, is at a dead end already and I know I will never be fixed. Even if I somehow crawled my way into a life most would be satisfied with (finishing school, being able to actually talk to people again, transitioning, getting a partner, making enough money to live off of, my own home, etc) I still don't think I would be happy. My depression has been a constant, my suicidal thoughts have been a constant, I have never not been this way for as long as I can remember, no matter the situation. So thus I am here.

 

[BlissfulVoid]

Hey all!
I just got approved while I slept, and checking out this forum as a new member is definitely going to be the highlight of my day! (also yay, my first post here)

I've actively thought of CTB since I was a child, have been making plans since then, and in recent years (long after becoming an adult) have begun trying them out. My first few attempts have been with a device of my own making, which as you can probably guess, has been just as big of a failure as the rest of my life.

My feeling like a failure started all the way back in elementary school, when I found out I had difficulties retaining knowledge, and thus always forgot both my homework and what I was being taught. Yay. Then I for some reason decided I liked space, and read a lot of books on our solar system and the various known galaxies, which just filled my head with endless existential dread and made me feel even more worthless, given the infinite vastness of space, and our small place in it. That's when I realized that all of our species' achievements, conflicts, etc., all meant nothing, and as such, nor could my even smaller, single, individual life, ever mean anything.

Oh yeah, I also hate certain family members, who I've (on account of them being family) been forced to have around me, by other family members, who cannot seem to accept I just want them to leave me alone. Yay.

Since then, I have pretty much just floated through life (or rather, been dragged screaming and kicking), without any sense of purpose or hope. I try to surround myself with things that at least give me a little bit of happiness, like things I remember liking as a kid, which does seem to help a little on a day-to-day basis.

My CTB thoughts works in mysterious ways. They feel kind of like waves on a beach. Mostly they just make their presence known, coming from the back of my mind to the forefront, while I am going about my day; this is pretty much a daily occourance. Then we have the bigger waves, which manage to knock me back, and actually start thinking of new ideas to try to end it all, whilst still maintaining contact with the few people I call friends. But every so often, a massive tsunami will just come along, completely drowning out all manners of social life, and my life is just now dedicated to the (sort of ironic) activity of not having a life anymore. That becomes my sole fixation for a while, until either the wave from the tsunami retreats back into my mental ocean, until I one day succeed (which will likely come from choosing a more practical method, rather than resorting to my stubborn and non-existent engineering skills), or until I fail yet again and then get further depressed by not even being able to get this right.

If I live long enough to abandon my foolish DIY CTB project, I will probably just choose partial hanging. From what I've gathered since discovering this truly special website, that seems like a nice and easy way to go. I don't know when that will be, though.

I haven't been around any other CTB enthusiasts before, so I don't know if this is considered strange or not, but I just feel so incredibly happy to finally be here. I feel like I finally have a place where I can belong, where I don't have to conceal my feelings from others. I hope to stay around for a while, if nothing else than to just savor this feeling I finally have after all these years. Whilst waiting to be approved, I lurked this website in eager anticipation, and read so many threads. I am finally home.

BlissfulVoid

 

[Nervonia]

Hey, I'm Nervonia, currently residing in England. I am a chef whos studying Cyber Security along side it, I dont know what else to put but hello

 

[missingpeace]

Hi guys, I've been on this forum for 2 odd weeks now and enjoying it very much. I'm a 39yo indian female raised in Aus who's life drastically changed 2 years ago. I was living a very happy, fulfilling life and never was suicidal till I started having demonic attacks set in motion by a woman who was extremely jealous of me. I waited patiently for things to change and also tried to consult many people to try to get rid of this but noone could help me. As things have been going downhill I have come to accept that death is the only way for me. I am no longer what I used to be and just want to be gone from this world. It will hurt my family but my suffering is so great, that ctbing is all I can think about. Interacting on this forum is all I really have, so if anyone wants to contact me to chat, feel free..

 

[PAfb_640]

Hello everyone. I found this place from Tantacrul.

I just want to find people I can be depressed with.
I like video games.

Hidup aku aku ke laut sekarang ni.

 

[imcadt99]

Hi everyone, I'm 22 years old and I'm currently attending university. I've realized in my time at university that the future that I envisioned for myself and have worked so hard for will never bring me the contentment I once thought it would and that is assuming my profession even exists in the coming years with the advancement of technology. I've slowly lost contact with all the people in my life, only occasionally interacting with my family. I've had minimal contact with people for almost a year now and I feel as though I've forgotten who I even am, my very personality and essence. All I long for is to CTB, only briefly attaining contentment while binge drinking in a set window each day to escape the relentless torment that is my thoughts. Everyday I spend countless hours fantasizing about it, while other times my thoughts are clouded and confused as if reality itself is falling apart. I cannot explain how elated I was when my account was accepted onto this site. Knowing that an admin, a real human somewhere in the world, approved of me. That I finally have the opportunity to connect with others like myself, speaking bluntly and unfiltered. I can finally get genuine advice from real people, instead of endlessly speaking through euphemisms with AI chat bots. I finally feel like I've taken a step forward in life, even if it is towards the bus. I look forward to connecting with all of you!

 

[Fwompje]

Hi, I go by Abel online, I'm genderqueer, dutch and 23.

Joined this site to be able to freely talk about suicidal ideation without being bombarded with "you have so much to live for" and "it gets better". I've been struggling with multiple mental health issues since I was a teen and have always felt like everybody is disgusted by me. I feel that everybody I meet doesn't understand why I've invaded earth. It feels like I'm not allowed to be here and am just bothering others by my existence.

Currently wanting to join an art school as a last resort to find some type of happiness, otherwise I have no reason to go on.

I don't have any diagnosis and am currently not in treatment for my mental health but I am trying to get help.

I have recently made one friend but am still very lonely so you'll probably see me around here a lot. I'm so glad this site exists :)

 

[Sonnenschuss]

Hey everyone,

I've been putting off introducing myself for some time, but now's as good as any time I suppose, even if I'm still a bit hesitant to share personal information online.

I'm from central Europe and in my 20s. Have been hospitalized a few times and a lot of wasted time and wrong medication later I swore to myself I'd never set foot in a hospital again (still going strong).

On a less negative note, I enjoy music, philosophy and smoking.
I'm up for discussing all and any hypothetical scenarios- you can't offend me.


Been lurking on here for a few years now and this'll hopefully be the start of me actually participating.

 

[ZariLeighRose]

Heya. I go by Zari and I'm in my 30s. She/her pronouns. I'm from Canada and I'm real cold. |: Ummm...I'm not really good at wording myself(?) but feel free to ask anything. I'm an open book mostly.

 

[Electronic Music]

Hey everyone,

Found this site about a week ago and am looking forward to listening and talking with you all. I'm from the states myself, and have been suicidal since middle school -ish? Over the past 3 years especially I've become significantly more comfortable with the thought of ctb, now to the point that the idea sounds incredibly relieving.

I have siblings that need guidance and taking care of prior to my peaceful end, and I'm choosing to prioritize their well being before my own for now. I'm pretty transparent overall, and have more to my personality than the fact I'd like to ctb as soon as convenient.

Life truly sucks, and truthfully happiness is something I seldom feel, but games, music, exercise, friends, and family make the bleak at least a bit more interesting and fun at times.

I wish every one of you the best, much love my friends.

 

[Next-to-Nil]

Wow approval is fast here. Though that might just be because I picked the right time to join. This forum does better than a lot of other places.

I'm getting side-tracked... Hello everyone; I'm Lex. I'm in my twenties, and I'm from Canada. Sorry if the age thing is vague; I don't like giving the exact number, I've been thinking about it for a while and every year feels like another "proof that I'm a coward who keeps putting it off", you know? I'm dreading having to change that to "my thirties" eventually. Ugh.

Anyway, I was looking up stuff relating to CTB just this morning (am I the only one who thinks of CBT when looking at that acronym? Whatever, not important, don't look up that acronym unless you're into that kind of stuff.) and I stumbled upon the Tantacrul video who melodramas into misrepresenting the community. I got curious and decided to check out the website - he doesn't exactly make it hard - which helped me find RainandSadness' response to it, and reading that made me decide to join. Give it an hour or so and I'm here and ready to post, so here's my first post.

So yeah, I was a writer for some years now - well, I still am, but my editor just went to jail for scamming a bunch of his writers and that explains why my renumerations were so low (I like to lie to myself like that to pretend my writing is more successful than it is) - so now I need to find a new agent to get a new editor and that's assuming I can finish the manuscript I've been staring dead-eyed at for the past three years because the whole 3 year ick killed all my creativity. During those three years, my office for my other job had a massive lay-off which unfortunately included myself who made the stupid mistake of optimizing one of our core tasks, thus nearly halving the amount of time and manpower needed to complete our work. (Yeah, I pat myself on the back a lot, it helps me pretend I'm doing more than wasting my time with life, please bare with me.)

So now where am I? I'm an unemployed failed writer who's been living off employment insurance and student loans between classes for about 12 weeks. It's not like I'm not looking for another job - in fact, that's the bulk of my day and I'm currently multi-tasking that (I've applied for 3 gigs in between typing up this post) and gorging on energy drinks because I get nervous when I can't hear my own heartbeat - but nothing is hiring contrary to advertisements. Well, nothing that pays more than minimum wage which would actually be less lucrative than just continuing to go off the insurance because the system is as broken as anything else. The worst part is this is my second semester off of school so I can earn enough to continue my education and not come out of it with over 100k in debt.

I thought of doing something more self-destructive with my life like something illegal such as pushing drugs, but the risks entailed are just more stress inducing nonsense and stress is why I'm in the situation where I felt the need to join this site in the first place. I thought of being a stripper or something too, but based on the pole classes I took during my first year that's just unnecessarily exhausting and makes muscles grow places I would rather not have them; just because I wanna CTB doesn't mean I can't leave a pretty corpse, right?

So yeah, unemployed, uncreative, depressed as all shit, and just looking for people who get it and aren't trying to put me in a room or tell me off from what I'm thinking might actually be the solution to the problem at this point.

Sorry, this got wordy as all shyte so I'll skip the stuff about my family and waning friend circle. Just "insert shit about daddy and mommy issues here and assume I'm an almost friendless loser" okay? okay.

So yeah, that's me. Pleasure meeting you all, wish it was the same the other way around but as I've gone over; I'm kind of a mess ^^;

 

[MissionSucksAssFul]

Hey all! so like a lot of you I'm just another lost soul in a lost universe full of bullshit! But I'm genuinely delighted to be here since this seems to be the ONLY place I know of that's frequented by people who make sense of things.... I mean that's just the rarest according to my experience. I hope I can have some discourse and maybe find new ideas and if I happen to make a difference to your life (one way or the other) I can only hope I got you there through sincere application of logic and reason to your situation.
btw: If my words make no sense, don't despair! That's probably because I can't express myself for shit because of my numerous mental conditions

 

[MakeUsername=hard]

Hi my name is Kay, I'm 19 years old. I'm a bisexual demisexual women with your typical ADD, Depression, Bipolar (unconfirmed), and Anxiety. I'm very much sick in the head but feel numb and gaslight myself into feeling normal. I failed life and my parents by not being very smart and not being able to finish school. I'm a liability to this world and I know it. I can't wait to die soon, life is not worth living if your not worth it's gift. I'm okay with that fact. I hope someone out there feels how I feel, I hope so anyways. If someone's reading this I hope you slept well. <33

Unfortunately I didn't sleep that well : (
I am eating delicious chicken over rice right now though so it's totally fine

 

[kit.]

Unfortunately I didn't sleep that well : (
I am eating delicious chicken over rice right now though so it's totally fine

I'm glad you're eating little solider. Keep your body alive for as long as you can mhm

 

[MakeUsername=hard]

I'm 20, and I don't like autistic people, especially myself. I'm getting better at not hating autistic people who aren't me though, which is good. I've wanted to CBT for ages, but I have the SI of a wild animal, so I can't even get close, and I don't feel like trying because I think my life isn't as shitty as it used to be. Also, I found this site from that youtuber who talked shit about it. It gave me some wrong expectations, so I'm really glad the moderators took a while to verify my account to allow me some time to read some posts before saying anything stupid.

I'm glad you're eating little solider. Keep your body alive for as long as you can mhm

Don't worry. Eating isn't a problem for me, though I weigh like less than 130 pounds XD
This chicken is really good, you certainly don't have to tell me twice to keep eating : ) I'll eat all the chicken

 

[whywere]

Wow approval is fast here. Though that might just be because I picked the right time to join. This forum does better than a lot of other places.

I'm getting side-tracked... Hello everyone; I'm Lex. I'm in my twenties, and I'm from Canada. Sorry if the age thing is vague; I don't like giving the exact number, I've been thinking about it for a while and every year feels like another "proof that I'm a coward who keeps putting it off", you know? I'm dreading having to change that to "my thirties" eventually. Ugh.

Anyway, I was looking up stuff relating to CTB just this morning (am I the only one who thinks of CBT when looking at that acronym? Whatever, not important, don't look up that acronym unless you're into that kind of stuff.) and I stumbled upon the Tantacrul video who melodramas into misrepresenting the community. I got curious and decided to check out the website - he doesn't exactly make it hard - which helped me find RainandSadness' response to it, and reading that made me decide to join. Give it an hour or so and I'm here and ready to post, so here's my first post.

So yeah, I was a writer for some years now - well, I still am, but my editor just went to jail for scamming a bunch of his writers and that explains why my renumerations were so low (I like to lie to myself like that to pretend my writing is more successful than it is) - so now I need to find a new agent to get a new editor and that's assuming I can finish the manuscript I've been staring dead-eyed at for the past three years because the whole 3 year ick killed all my creativity. During those three years, my office for my other job had a massive lay-off which unfortunately included myself who made the stupid mistake of optimizing one of our core tasks, thus nearly halving the amount of time and manpower needed to complete our work. (Yeah, I pat myself on the back a lot, it helps me pretend I'm doing more than wasting my time with life, please bare with me.)

So now where am I? I'm an unemployed failed writer who's been living off employment insurance and student loans between classes for about 12 weeks. It's not like I'm not looking for another job - in fact, that's the bulk of my day and I'm currently multi-tasking that (I've applied for 3 gigs in between typing up this post) and gorging on energy drinks because I get nervous when I can't hear my own heartbeat - but nothing is hiring contrary to advertisements. Well, nothing that pays more than minimum wage which would actually be less lucrative than just continuing to go off the insurance because the system is as broken as anything else. The worst part is this is my second semester off of school so I can earn enough to continue my education and not come out of it with over 100k in debt.

I thought of doing something more self-destructive with my life like something illegal such as pushing drugs, but the risks entailed are just more stress inducing nonsense and stress is why I'm in the situation where I felt the need to join this site in the first place. I thought of being a stripper or something too, but based on the pole classes I took during my first year that's just unnecessarily exhausting and makes muscles grow places I would rather not have them; just because I wanna CTB doesn't mean I can't leave a pretty corpse, right?

So yeah, unemployed, uncreative, depressed as all shit, and just looking for people who get it and aren't trying to put me in a room or tell me off from what I'm thinking might actually be the solution to the problem at this point.

Sorry, this got wordy as all shyte so I'll skip the stuff about my family and waning friend circle. Just "insert shit about daddy and mommy issues here and assume I'm an almost friendless loser" okay? okay.

So yeah, that's me. Pleasure meeting you all, wish it was the same the other way around but as I've gone over; I'm kind of a mess ^^;

Howdy!

Welcome to SS, so nice to have you as a new friend. Yes this is SS, BUT this site is a loving, caring and very thoughtful group. I have had 2 attempts, lots of 72 hour holds and will be 67 in a few weeks, still working! I love what I do and get to travel all over.

Hope that you find love, and caring here as I have and best of luck to you as you are sch a kind soul, your 1st post says that loud and clear!

Sending you lots of huge hugs, love caring and endless blue sunny skies.

Walter

 

[KatyushaHanging]

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

Hello
I'm Katyusha
I like music, reading, and writing.

 

[Next-to-Nil]

Thank you, glad you enjoy what you're doing!

 

[whywere]

Hello
I'm Katyusha
I like music, reading, and writing.

Howdy! and welcome!

I have found SS to be a group of loving, caring and ever so thoughtful souls and I hope you do to!


Sending you plenty of sunshine, hugs and the knowledge that you are a good friend to/for me, as I have no family nor friends, except everyone here.

Walter

 

[Cabbiesevvie]

Hello all!
I'm Cabbie
I like chess, and also reading articles on the internet, can be any topic, just good written stuff really intrigues me.

 

[suicaedere]

Good evening to you dear members.

I'm a recently approved newbie here on this site and I just wanted to introduce myself to you, so you get a picture of me and why I decided to join you and your special little community here.
Since I don't want to share my real name with you yet, you can just call me Mr. C.

I'm a 29 year old burly bloke, currently living in a bland small town in southern Germany, where the only excitement emerges when granny Gertrude's niece is carrying a misbegotten baby. I got two siblings, both sisters, and I'm the youngest of them.

For a living I've worked as a paramedic at a rescue service for about 7 years, but currently I'm studying at a university.

Mental health issues, such as depression, non-existent self-esteem, body dysmorphia, excessive self-criticism and suicidal thoughts, accompany me since my young adolescence up until now. My school years were an absolut nightmare due to the fact that I was bullied and willingly excluded because of my overweight and for 'being the quiet kid'.
Over 15 years now I'm struggling with recurrent severe depressive episodes, self-harming behaviour both mentally (e.g. self-isolation and self-punishment) and physically, e.g. I'm a chainsmoker and recently developed an addiction for amphetamine and cocaine.
While writing these lines I'm at my 9th rollie, my nostrils burn from all the pep I snorted and my sinuses are filled with coke.
I've been in therapy for several years now, had multiple stay-inns in different mental institutions and like the well-behaved guinea pig that I am, tried out nearly every antidepressant and neuroleptic on the medical spectrum. Currently I'm on elephant dosages of Sertraline, Quetiapine and Prothipendyl.

Over the last 3 to 4 years my symptoms, mind and condition got consistently worse.
At first my 'suicide fantasies' only popped up every now and then, but quickly evolved to daily routines and recurring daydreams, which now became manifested in my mind (e.g. they calm me down and soothe me so I am able to fall asleep).
I still am unsure and anxious about the whole catching the bus topic, whether to do it or not do do it, and if yes, how I should do it. And that's why I'm here.
I hope to find people in your forum with similar minds, sicknesses, symptoms, thoughts, behaviours or life stories.
Maybe through exchange I can find some answers to questions that keep floating in my big, troubled head. Answers that just make me feel a tiny little bit better or it would be just nice to find a friend who I can talk or listen to.
Thank you for reading my sleep-deprived, drug-infused blabla and feel free to contact me if you feel the urge to do so.

Good Night & Sincerely yours
Mr. C

 

[MakeUsername=hard]

Good evening to you dear members.

I'm a recently approved newbie here on this site and I just wanted to introduce myself to you, so you get a picture of me and why I decided to join you and your special little community here.
Since I don't want to share my real name with you yet, you can just call me Mr. C.

I'm a 29 year old burly bloke, currently living in a bland small town in southern Germany, where the only excitement emerges when granny Gertrude's niece is carrying a misbegotten baby. I got two siblings, both sisters, and I'm the youngest of them.

For a living I've worked as a paramedic at a rescue service for about 7 years, but currently I'm studying at a university.

Mental health issues, such as depression, non-existent self-esteem, body dysmorphia, excessive self-criticism and suicidal thoughts, accompany me since my young adolescence up until now. My school years were an absolut nightmare due to the fact that I was bullied and willingly excluded because of my overweight and for 'being the quiet kid'.
Over 15 years now I'm struggling with recurrent severe depressive episodes, self-harming behaviour both mentally (e.g. self-isolation and self-punishment) and physically, e.g. I'm a chainsmoker and recently developed an addiction for amphetamine and cocaine.
While writing these lines I'm at my 9th rollie, my nostrils burn from all the pep I snorted and my sinuses are filled with coke.
I've been in therapy for several years now, had multiple stay-inns in different mental institutions and like the well-behaved guinea pig that I am, tried out nearly every antidepressant and neuroleptic on the medical spectrum. Currently I'm on elephant dosages of Sertraline, Quetiapine and Prothipendyl.

Over the last 3 to 4 years my symptoms, mind and condition got consistently worse.
At first my 'suicide fantasies' only popped up every now and then, but quickly evolved to daily routines and recurring daydreams, which now became manifested in my mind (e.g. they calm me down and soothe me so I am able to fall asleep).
I still am unsure and anxious about the whole catching the bus topic, whether to do it or not do do it, and if yes, how I should do it. And that's why I'm here.
I hope to find people in your forum with similar minds, sicknesses, symptoms, thoughts, behaviours or life stories.
Maybe through exchange I can find some answers to questions that keep floating in my big, troubled head. Answers that just make me feel a tiny little bit better or it would be just nice to find a friend who I can talk or listen to.
Thank you for reading my sleep-deprived, drug-infused blabla and feel free to contact me if you feel the urge to do so.

Good Night & Sincerely yours
Mr. C

Hello Mr. C! I thought I'd share my thoughts - My experiences in high school were hell too, though different. I was never bullied, but I'm pretty autistic, and I feel like my social age is more like 4 years younger than my real age. Everyone treated me like I was a little kid, or a pet, and there was nothing I could do about it. People treated me like I was special, not wanting to ruin my opinion of them, so if I had a crush on someone they would never reject me normally, they'd just avoid me. To save them the trouble of not wanting to say no, I just decided never to let anyone know if there was someone I liked, and I hated myself for making things harder on other people.

Here's the interesting part. Sometime around my junior or senior year I decided I was immortal. I didn't know why, it was just a feeling I had. I came up with some complicated theory to explain why I thought I was immortal. However, not too long ago, I think I figured out the real reason I think I'm immortal. I've used vivid daydreams of mutilation to distract myself from memories I want to forget, and have daydreams about suicide. In all the daydreams I can remember, I do something like jumping off a parking garage or stab myself, and then just lay there still breathing and alive. Sometimes my crazy SI rewrites my dream to make it so that I never intended to die in the first place, and that all I had wanted was for my friends to take me seriously. It's impossible to die in my daydreams, and I think that's why I came to the conclusion that I'm immortal.

And then immediately after I figured that out I was so proud of myself that I posted it in my friend group's gc and for the few friends who took me seriously I immediately said I was totally fine so they wouldn't worry about me, and now all my friends think I post shit like that to get their attention and I hate myself even more.

Anyway, does anyone else have the feeling that existence will never end, or am I just unique?

 

[nepeta]

hello all, i hope youre having nice days! :)
i dont like to disclose too much identifiable info online just because of paranoia and such, but im called nepeta on here
i like music and art! i also use discord regularly haha
i have autism, depression, social anxiety and suicidal ideation

to be honest i don't know what else to put here, i do hope i can fit in in this place though

 

[HopelessAngel]

Hey guys, gals, and non-binary pals, thanks for welcoming me into the community. It's probably best I don't use my real name, but you can call me Angel. I'm 27, she/her, from the midwest USA. I have a tendency to ramble, but I'll try to keep this introduction short!

I've struggled most of my adult life with depression, suicidal thoughts, social anxiety, gender dysphoria, disordered eating... in short, I'm a mess. Every day has been it's own battle, and while It's been a long time since I last attempted (2018), part of me must have died that day, because my mind never left that dark place.

I've really tried to make my life work; to fight through my inner demons and build a life worth living, but here I am at 27 and I feel that life is no longer possible. With each passing year, I find I have less hope and more despair. The only thing keeping me here is fear, and love for the few people in my life who truly care about me.

I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure exactly what I want from my time here in this community yet. Whether I want to try to get better, or whether I want to finally find peace. All I know is that I belong here; you are my people, and while I'm sorry for whatever circumstances led you here, I'm grateful to know I'm not alone.

 

[SleepWell]

Isn't it funny how I found this place through Tantacrul? I have to thank him for that but at the same time man he's like the equivalent to how I picture grating a rock would sound. Anyways...

Hello conscious beings,
My name is [redacted] and I play online games, work as a cashier, and recently I've picked up digital art. I know I know I'm super interesting I get it. Quite odd that I only picked up digital art after I finished highschool but I guess that makes sense. What's the main point of this again? Oh yes. Suicide what a wonderful word that is. I still can't quite get over how for a short while I kept seeing CTB as CBT haha. Ahem. The gift of life ahhh isn't it awful? I desperately want a refund. Please. who put me here?? I'm convinced this is some sort of punishment. Maybe in another life I had been too mean, acted a little bit too silly for some gods liking. I apologize please I want out I swear just let me catch the bus.

I think I'm sick in the head. Some sort of manufacturing defect because I can't seem to find happiness. I can't seem to find that thing that most people have (well I guess not on this site but most normal people have) I don't have the will to live. I've only found ways to distract myself and it's not really cutting it. I lied about that happiness part, I was happy for a little bit. I had found someone I truly believed had been my love. They are no longer that and their current significant other likes to remind me that every once in a while, hah what a dick. Lee if you're reading this you suck.

If I look too closely, if I am not distracting myself with dopamine scrolling or playing silly virtual shooter I start to remember memories. And oh boy do they hurt harder than my blade.

Anyways I hope that captures me in a small snippet. I wish you prosperity and a long life... PFFF see you on that bus pal ;)

Sincerely, SW

 

[no longer human]

Hello everyone!
I don't really give out my personal info because of several reasons, but I'm new here so I figured I'd just make an introduction so I'm not just lurking around the site.
My user is no longer human, which is based off my favourite book, but you can call me anything I don't really mind.
I usually just draw and play video games when I have the free time.

Anyways, I'm glad I found this place and I hope this site won't make me feel so alone with what I'm going through. <3

 

[suicaedere]

Hello Mr. C! I thought I'd share my thoughts - My experiences in high school were hell too, though different. I was never bullied, but I'm pretty autistic, and I feel like my social age is more like 4 years younger than my real age. Everyone treated me like I was a little kid, or a pet, and there was nothing I could do about it. People treated me like I was special, not wanting to ruin my opinion of them, so if I had a crush on someone they would never reject me normally, they'd just avoid me. To save them the trouble of not wanting to say no, I just decided never to let anyone know if there was someone I liked, and I hated myself for making things harder on other people.

Here's the interesting part. Sometime around my junior or senior year I decided I was immortal. I didn't know why, it was just a feeling I had. I came up with some complicated theory to explain why I thought I was immortal. However, not too long ago, I think I figured out the real reason I think I'm immortal. I've used vivid daydreams of mutilation to distract myself from memories I want to forget, and have daydreams about suicide. In all the daydreams I can remember, I do something like jumping off a parking garage or stab myself, and then just lay there still breathing and alive. Sometimes my crazy SI rewrites my dream to make it so that I never intended to die in the first place, and that all I had wanted was for my friends to take me seriously. It's impossible to die in my daydreams, and I think that's why I came to the conclusion that I'm immortal.

And then immediately after I figured that out I was so proud of myself that I posted it in my friend group's gc and for the few friends who took me seriously I immediately said I was totally fine so they wouldn't worry about me, and now all my friends think I post shit like that to get their attention and I hate myself even more.

Anyway, does anyone else have the feeling that existence will never end, or am I just unique?

Hey there MakeUsername=hard!

Thanks for replying to my introduction!
I thoroughly read your reply and though it was kind of tough and sorrowful to read, it kind of made me eased, that I'm not alone with this experience.
If you're not included at least in a certain way in school, these years can be pretty destructive for your mind and character.
I feel sorry for you, that you had to go through these things, especially for the way they treated you and avoiding you, when you've been fond of someone.
I know the feeling of being avoided but mostly for my looks or rather my weight. And that shit fucking hurts.

The feelings of having a crush or loving someone is already hard enough, when you're self-aware or convinced, that you're not right or there's something wrong with you. It takes a lot of balls to admit your feelings to someone.

Though I don't know many things about autism, I can empathize with you.
My nephew is starting elementary school soon and he was recently diagnosed with autistic behaviour, but they have to make further examinations to form a more specific diagnosis.
I can see his struggles with making friends and it kind of breaks my heart to see his efforts, but they kind of stay unfulfilled.

Your 'love life' seemed to be rough too, and self-hatred is also nothing new to me.
As I am a gay man who grew up in a rural, mostly docile-catholic community, I can tell you a thing or two about that.
I'm 29 now and my only serious relationship I had didn't last longer than 2 years.
Though I have a schizoid personality I long for someone who loves me and whom I love with all my heart.

It was very interesting to read about your suicide thoughts and that you're immortal in them. I never heard that before.
I too use those ctb daydreams to distract myself from memories that I don't want to remember anymore.
However, my therapist told me once, that my suicidal thoughts are suppressed anger and hatred towards the people who mistreated me in the past and so to speak left-behind a traumatic memory.
And since I'm not naturally prone to violence (at least not towards others),
I'm projecting the aggression towards myself. In all its force and brutality.
All feelings have to be lived through and need an outlet, they can't be beared down and they don't vanish into nothingness.

Mr. C

 

[MakeUsername=hard]

Hey there MakeUsername=hard!

Thanks for replying to my introduction!
I thoroughly read your reply and though it was kind of tough and sorrowful to read, it kind of made me eased, that I'm not alone with this experience.
If you're not included at least in a certain way in school, these years can be pretty destructive for your mind and character.
I feel sorry for you, that you had to go through these things, especially for the way they treated you and avoiding you, when you've been fond of someone.
I know the feeling of being avoided but mostly for my looks or rather my weight. And that shit fucking hurts.

The feelings of having a crush or loving someone is already hard enough, when you're self-aware or convinced, that you're not right or there's something wrong with you. It takes a lot of balls to admit your feelings to someone.

Though I don't know many things about autism, I can empathize with you.
My nephew is starting elementary school soon and he was recently diagnosed with autistic behaviour, but they have to make further examinations to form a more specific diagnosis.
I can see his struggles with making friends and it kind of breaks my heart to see his efforts, but they kind of stay unfulfilled.

Your 'love life' seemed to be rough too, and self-hatred is also nothing new to me.
As I am a gay man who grew up in a rural, mostly docile-catholic community, I can tell you a thing or two about that.
I'm 29 now and my only serious relationship I had didn't last longer than 2 years.
Though I have a schizoid personality I long for someone who loves me and whom I love with all my heart.

It was very interesting to read about your suicide thoughts and that you're immortal in them. I never heard that before.
I too use those ctb daydreams to distract myself from memories that I don't want to remember anymore.
However, my therapist told me once, that my suicidal thoughts are suppressed anger and hatred towards the people who mistreated me in the past and so to speak left-behind a traumatic memory.
And since I'm not naturally prone to violence (at least not towards others),
I'm projecting the aggression towards myself. In all its force and brutality.
All feelings have to be lived through and need an outlet, they can't be beared down and they don't vanish into nothingness.

Mr. C

Hi Mr. C!

Being gay while living in a Catholic community sounds pretty horrible! My family is Catholic, I'm an atheist though XD I just pretended I was Catholic so my grandparents don't lecture me that I'm gonna go to hell.

I feel like I should tell you my current status of my love life. Going into college I had the mindset that nobody was gonna love me ever, that it was impossible for me, and that I didn't need it anyways. I was fine with it. I had been really depressed at the start of high school, but my depression seems to slowly fade away, probably due to my strong SI. Then, about a year ago in college me and my friends pulled an all nighter just for fun. I was pretty good with my friends, though I have trust issues with people I got from high school in that I think they actually don't like me and pretend they like me to make me feel better, and that I'm actually annoying to them. Anyway, after the all-nighter, one of them was spooning the other, and I joined to become the biggest spoon. Maybe 3 days later I was like "I want this. I can't live my entire life without this." Relationships (the thing I thought was impossible for me) were suddenly valued over schoolwork, and I was super depressed with a stomach ache that lasted 2 weeks! I binged a ton of anime, and that seemed to help. I've been recovering and getting used to it, but I don't like trying to get to know people because I think people will think I'm annoying.

I've joined the Spanish club and the Anime club though, so I'm forcing myself to get out there. Also I feel like my life isn't nearly as bad as it is for most of the people on this site. I'm not that depressed these days, I mostly just fit in because I agree with the ideology of this pro-choice site, and life used to be rough.

I do have a comment about what your therapist said though! They said that you're projecting your anger towards other people onto yourself. That sounds unfair for yourself who doesn't deserve it. Anyways, it doesn't apply to me because I'm not angry at the people who treat me like a kid or avoid me because I can relate to them! The same way I don't like myself I can understand why other people don't like me, and expect them to do the same. Plus, in the past, I've treated other more autistic people the same way other people have treated me. Just, I don't know if they notice. Anyway, seems like our self-hatreds are for different reasons, assuming your therapist was right

 

[Stripe19]

Heyo, not my real name but you can refer to me as Stripe.
I am a transwoman with depression and dysphoria and i think some undiagnosed things i dont have a clue the names of.
For a tad of backstory, life went from "Why would people kill themselves" and making it my mission to "save" them, to where i am now. I had love for life once but now i have more dead friends than living, little academic success in any regard, and seemingly nobody else within 90 miles of me who understands a single thing i say when i open up.
Sorry if this is getting long. to shorten it: Used to be total opposite of this site until i got everything to love and like either destroyed or made numb to me, every friend died or left, and every lover has "coincidentally" come out as ace after dating me.

 

[TimeHasCome6]

Hello. I like math, science and choir. My dad said that should give me hope in life but I sadly have none. I also like to draw, animate and write depressing lyrics. I'm so glad to have found this pro-choice forum - AND BY A HATING YOUTUBER - to finaly chat about these things confidentially and without judgment.

Heyo, not my real name but you can refer to me as Stripe.
I am a transwoman with depression and dysphoria and i think some undiagnosed things i dont have a clue the names of.
For a tad of backstory, life went from "Why would people kill themselves" and making it my mission to "save" them, to where i am now. I had love for life once but now i have more dead friends than living, little academic success in any regard, and seemingly nobody else within 90 miles of me who understands a single thing i say when i open up.
Sorry if this is getting long. to shorten it: Used to be total opposite of this site until i got everything to love and like either destroyed or made numb to me, every friend died or left, and every lover has "coincidentally" come out as ace after dating me.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. You can call me Shu. It may be my gender identifying name when I come out as gender-fluid. I can understand on a smaller scale getting everything taken away from you and ditching the life-loving feeling. I used to be one of those people. My sister is diagnosed with BPD and suicidal. She's one bigger reason for my depression, but it's not her fault. Her I'll see gets her to treat me in an inhumane way sometimes, yet she CAN be wonderful person. I've watched her get rejected in the family for being gay and I'm scared to come out because of it. My dad gets on me about my weight and my mom and dad keep talking to me about how LGBTQ+ is a mental illness thing. It makes me feel so out of place around them. I've been depressed about if for a while and I can understand the switch. (Sorry if this is kinda long)