Venting Internalized Transphobia

[kurikaesu]

for those of you who don't know what the title means, google overview describes it as: "when transgender individuals unconsciously adopt and direct negative views, stereotypes or biases about trans people to themselves" - in short, being transphobic to yourself and the ppl around you.

tw//self-hate and transphobia (duh)

for my own sake, i won't disclose either my preferred gender or gender assigned at birth, despite it being a pain in the ass to word things differently. - also sorry i type really bad i'll try to fix typos or weird grammar after i post.

i've considered myself transgender for at least 6 years and have had a lot of trouble accepting myself to be trans, especially lately. 2023 (about 3 years in) is when i got more comfortable presenting myself in a way i like, wearing gender affirming clothes and etc. a majority of my friends and family accepted me completely at the time, and that stayed consistent even today. sometime at the start of 2025 i was starting to become more dysphoric about my body and how i presented myself so i became a little more "modest" in my gender presentation, aiming to be more neutral. nowadays my dysphoria has gotten so bad i basically have no desire for presenting the way i really want to at all.

how this change transpired is beyond me but now i'm living in hell for it. my group of friends changed in 2025 and it changed something in me. none of these friends were bad but i could tell they had a complete outside perspective on things and it made me just want to fit in with them more and not be "weird". i think all my friends and family see me as stereotypical trans who has stereotypical interests in certain things and i wanted to get rid of those stereotypes completely. even if those friends don't view me that way i know someone, somewhere in the world could or would.

i ended up really hating myself for being trans and i started to have complete disrespect for all the trans people i knew or met. i went out of my way to avoid them because of my own self-hate and possible jealousy. even if they were "new" to being trans it frustrated me that people are being indoctrinated into thinking that even being trans at all is okay, because now, to me, being transgender is a complete sin against society or at least an embarrassment. i think degradingly against them, thoughts like "no one will ever accept them, they'll always have people's eyes like mine poking holes through their body and ideas, judging them to shreds."

one or two times when i've seen a clocky trans person out in public it, evoked a desire in me to lure them somewhere and physically or verbally assault them. i have never done such a thing but i have fantasized about it. it's like i want to knock some sense into them or something. i haven't had irl romantic/intimate relationships with anyone since early high school, and because of that i believe being trans has something to do with it. and so i also degrade myself and other people from that POV as well, like "you'll always be a virgin if you're like that, no one is ever going to love you when you're that awful".

if i put the effort in i really could be a beautiful person, and i know people have considered me attractive before, so it's not like i missed the train and i'm acting out of spite for that. i just don't know what to think anymore. this complete spiral has led me to revoke some of my preferred pronouns from non-personal online spaces like this place, social media accounts, my pages on youtube and tiktok i use to promote my music, etc. i prefer they/them to be as impersonal as possible so i can't hurt myself over them anymore. it's not what i prefer and irl when someone uses they/them i get uncomfortable but atp no matter what pronouns are used, i become uncomfortable.

this ends up blending in with my current "i hate being perceived" thing. i've never experienced disassociation in my whole life until the past two or so months where it's became easier to just block out any feelings based on "who" or "what" i am. i am becoming less and less of a person everyday and it's horrifying to me that i can't bring myself to look for help. am i really going to die alone and be shattered into pieces like this? what's left for me after this? what am i going to do?

i hope that any trans person who reads this is understanding and doesn't berate my messages or comments talking about how i'm damaging the community or whatever. if we can't have an open discussion like this we have no hope of ever becoming "normalized" in society. have a good day ya'll.

 

[scp4514]

I understand. I first came out as trans at 16, and I'm 29. I've been on and off HRT for 10 years. This is my second "detransition". A few years ago I harbored a lot of resentment toward the trans community and was frequently critical of trans people in online communities. All I've done is alienate myself from both cis and trans people.

 

[fadedghost]

for those of you who don't know what the title means, google overview describes it as: "when transgender individuals unconsciously adopt and direct negative views, stereotypes or biases about trans people to themselves" - in short, being transphobic to yourself and the ppl around you.

tw//self-hate and transphobia (duh)

for my own sake, i won't disclose either my preferred gender or gender assigned at birth, despite it being a pain in the ass to word things differently. - also sorry i type really bad i'll try to fix typos or weird grammar after i post.

i've considered myself transgender for at least 6 years and have had a lot of trouble accepting myself to be trans, especially lately. 2023 (about 3 years in) is when i got more comfortable presenting myself in a way i like, wearing gender affirming clothes and etc. a majority of my friends and family accepted me completely at the time, and that stayed consistent even today. sometime at the start of 2025 i was starting to become more dysphoric about my body and how i presented myself so i became a little more "modest" in my gender presentation, aiming to be more neutral. nowadays my dysphoria has gotten so bad i basically have no desire for presenting the way i really want to at all.

how this change transpired is beyond me but now i'm living in hell for it. my group of friends changed in 2025 and it changed something in me. none of these friends were bad but i could tell they had a complete outside perspective on things and it made me just want to fit in with them more and not be "weird". i think all my friends and family see me as stereotypical trans who has stereotypical interests in certain things and i wanted to get rid of those stereotypes completely. even if those friends don't view me that way i know someone, somewhere in the world could or would.

i ended up really hating myself for being trans and i started to have complete disrespect for all the trans people i knew or met. i went out of my way to avoid them because of my own self-hate and possible jealousy. even if they were "new" to being trans it frustrated me that people are being indoctrinated into thinking that even being trans at all is okay, because now, to me, being transgender is a complete sin against society or at least an embarrassment. i think degradingly against them, thoughts like "no one will ever accept them, they'll always have people's eyes like mine poking holes through their body and ideas, judging them to shreds."

one or two times when i've seen a clocky trans person out in public it, evoked a desire in me to lure them somewhere and physically or verbally assault them. i have never done such a thing but i have fantasized about it. it's like i want to knock some sense into them or something. i haven't had irl romantic/intimate relationships with anyone since early high school, and because of that i believe being trans has something to do with it. and so i also degrade myself and other people from that POV as well, like "you'll always be a virgin if you're like that, no one is ever going to love you when you're that awful".

if i put the effort in i really could be a beautiful person, and i know people have considered me attractive before, so it's not like i missed the train and i'm acting out of spite for that. i just don't know what to think anymore. this complete spiral has led me to revoke some of my preferred pronouns from non-personal online spaces like this place, social media accounts, my pages on youtube and tiktok i use to promote my music, etc. i prefer they/them to be as impersonal as possible so i can't hurt myself over them anymore. it's not what i prefer and irl when someone uses they/them i get uncomfortable but atp no matter what pronouns are used, i become uncomfortable.

this ends up blending in with my current "i hate being perceived" thing. i've never experienced disassociation in my whole life until the past two or so months where it's became easier to just block out any feelings based on "who" or "what" i am. i am becoming less and less of a person everyday and it's horrifying to me that i can't bring myself to look for help. am i really going to die alone and be shattered into pieces like this? what's left for me after this? what am i going to do?

i hope that any trans person who reads this is understanding and doesn't berate my messages or comments talking about how i'm damaging the community or whatever. if we can't have an open discussion like this we have no hope of ever becoming "normalized" in society. have a good day ya'll.

Have you considered a trans therapist who could understand what you are going through?

You also mentioned "sin." I am not sure if you are religious, and this is a religious thing...

 

[kurikaesu]

Have you considered a trans therapist who could understand what you are going through?

You also mentioned "sin." I am not sure if you are religious, and this is a religious thing...

im very unsure of a trans therapist. i tried therapy for a couple months earlier this year but because of my degrading mental health i backed out of it. i haven't been very open to trying it again but maybe after some time i will be.

also yeah i am religious but none of this is because of that. i dont see myself as a sin because god views it as such or anything, it was just the way i worded it.

 

[fadedghost]

im very unsure of a trans therapist. i tried therapy for a couple months earlier this year but because of my degrading mental health i backed out of it. i haven't been very open to trying it again but maybe after some time i will be.

also yeah i am religious but none of this is because of that. i dont see myself as a sin because god views it as such or anything, it was just the way i worded it.

i'm not religious and i would never refer to anything as sin, even in a florid way

You're on a forum for suicide, many people here end up committing suicide. You should go to a trans therapist. Find one perhaps who also has dealt with religious stuff. Don't wait on this.

A lot of what you are saying sounds like cognitive distortions or if they aren't cognitive distortions that could be helped by cognitive behavioral therapy, then at least to have some trans person to talk to who wouldn't judge you and would be nice. I think you should find a way to just find a trans therapist and do it.