Help Interacting with the healthcare system only makes it worse

[it.only.gets.worse]

I've been on a waitlist for therapy for three years (since my last attempt) and just had my first appointment. It's made me even more suicidal.

I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and autism, but this therapist has decided (after knowing me over Zoom for less than an hour) that I actually have PTSD and BPD. I KNOW I DO NOT HAVE THEM!! I barely meet the criteria for them, while my scores for the previous diagnosis are super high. The only symptoms I align with are difficulty in relationships (though it has nothing to do with attachment as is the central aspect of BPD), anhedonia, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts which I think most here would agree IS COMMON IN EVERY MENTAL ILLNESS. The only way I'm allowed to continue treatment is if I relent to this diagnosis, but if I keep being 'difficult' they'll put me on yet another fucking waitlist.

I've tried to get help and it doesn't fucking work because everything the system is designed around is making you more 'productive' in society and less of a burden on the system, so they don't care to listen to anyone's personal experiences. And, of course, me saying I don't have these illnesses is 'a sign' that I have them, so there's no way out. She also said that medication won't help me since I 'have BPD' which makes me wonder WHY THE FUCK THEY HAVE ME ON THEM THEN. I swear I'm gonna stop taking them. I'm not an impulsive person; I plan and plan every second of the day, but according to the professionals, I am, so I guess I just need to lean into that because it doesn't matter what I'm actually like. Then, I found out I could access my past files and they're filled with lies about me with no basis and judgment that makes me wonder why they don't just PUT ME TF DOWN if I'm such a useless crazy person. I'm slow to anger, but I was literally so pissed that my throat was clenched and I was tearing up. I can't think of anything else, everything just leads back to me not being meant to be here. I just want all of this to be done with. I don't want to add 5 hours of therapy (some of which is group) as well as homework based around a mental illness I DON'T HAVE onto overnight volunteer shifts, full-time uni, work, and dealing with personal stuff.

I don't want to upset my parents, lovely partner, and cats, but I have nothing I care for in terms of my life and I've wanted to die since I was conscious of being alive. I'm not a person. I want someone to execute me point-blank. The methods I've narrowed it down to are the improved plastic bag method and SN, but the supplies are impossible to get where I live (ANY CANADIANS: PLEASE SEND ME ADVICE ON HOW TO FIND THEM) and the guilt of going through with it since I don't care about myself, but don't want to ruin the lives of others. But I'm certain I'm meant to die. There is no life for me. Part of me wishes I could just get a fucking lobotomy so my husk will continue existing (which is all anyone cares about), but I don't have to. I just need to plan my death and I desperately wish it could be a guaranteed success with minimal impact. Outside of my family, I'm sure everyone else thinks I'm a disgusting freak who needs to die anyways. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I JUST WANT TO DIE AND BE DONE. THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR ME.

 

[U. A.]

Hey, yeah, it's shit. your assessment of the system is on point
if you think there's a chance non-institution support would help I would highly recommend that. Community counselling, peer support, etc. If you're a minority of any kind there may be additional options that are more tailored to your needs.
hope today is kinder to you

 

[Unicron]

I have diagnosis' of autism, anxious-avoidant personality disorder, OCD, agoraphobia and anorexia nervosa and my psychiatrist keeps telling me I need to drink decaffeinated tea so I can sleep better. You're not the only one that feels like punching a wall.

 

[Wishing2di3]

I was diagnosed with BPD after minimal interaction with the diagnosing prescriber as well. Turns out it wasn't BPD but it was autism as I later found out. But the black mark on your medical chart of BPD doesn't do you any fucking favors. It sucks. I'm sorry you're dealing with incompetent and inept medical providers.

 

[User111885]

If you are actually borderline, or even if you aren't and just deal with difficult emotions, DBT is clinically shown to be very effective for people with strong negative emotions and you're possibly lucky to get into an official DBT group, which can cost thousands upon thousands.

Also mental health professionals write down complete and flat out lies ALL THE TIME. For instance, if you have a meeting with a mental health professional, are depressed and can barely speak you're so miserable and show little emotion, it would be normal for them to write down "Patient crying, upset." I don't know why they do it, if they don't care or just sloppy, but other clinicians always assume errors do not exist and patients are just crazy when they say a prior clinician is wrong. It's the type of thing you only learn by repeatedly interacting with mental health professionals.

One of the things about "Borderline Personality Disorder" and "PTSD" is that they aren't treated with medications, just ongoing therapy. Since most psychiatric medications are terrible and do barely anything, this may not be a bad thing.

The other thing is that almost all psychiatric labels are somewhat meaningless. Some of them are based on Greek Myths, some of them are arbitrary delineations (for example the classifications of Bipolar I versus Bipolar II versus Psychosis are debated, with some brain researchers saying Bipolar II doesn't exist and Bipolar I and Schizophrenia are gradations of the same illness; some researchers say Schizophrenia is actually a variety of different brain disorders lumped together).

Don't take this the wrong way, but if an Astrologer told you that you were a Gemini, and you absolutely knew you were a Scorpio, and really felt like you had proof you were a Scorpio, would it actually matter? Of course not, because it's all imaginary bullshit.

One problem with BPD, however, is that label can be used against you in different ways to argue you are responsible for your behavior. Mental health clinicians, in their vast stupidity and lack of understanding of the absence of free will, differentiate between "mental illness" and "personality disorders." Mental illness, they say, is treatable and not your fault, but with personality disorders they say it's not an illness but rather just how you are and the way you are is bad. (They probably would disagree and say technically both are conceptualized as "disorders.") It's a fucking incredibly stupid way of dividing things and conceptualizing things because literally everything about how a person behaves and feels takes place in the brain, and the idea that one made up label is a brain problem that is treatable and not a person's fault but another made up brain label is just the essence of who a person is really grossly misunderstands physics, biology, and how complex systems process data.

These labels are so arbitrary that the labels matter less and connecting with someone is more important. You clearly do not like this person. Get on another list unless you are willing to try DBT. If you really give DBT a try, it may be helpful. And if you don't like someone writing lies about you, if you can stay alive and not commit suicide and be a productive member of society without mental health clinicians, it may be worth trying that, but if you are very suicidal and need support, then keep trying to find someone good or try the DBT. You can also bring up in therapy how your records include statements that are not accurate and you want to correct them and monitor your records.

You should be aware that "personality disorders" are often the labels clinicians give to patients who are inconvenient or who they don't like or find dramatic, and clinicians do not like patients reviewing their own records. For all their talk about "transparency," they are fucking hypocritical pieces of shit who don't want you to see what they write. That is definitely a likely reason you were diagnosed that way and if you accuse them of that, of labeling with you with a personality disorder for wanting to see your records, they will label you paranoid too.

If I were you, I would get on the other list if you really want this big pharma crap. Otherwise, I would just an autism support group, take up running every single day, eliminate carbs from your diet as much as possible, and find a support group for whatever other difficulties you are having. You could also try DBT. These people are all parasitic vultures, feasting off people who are struggling, I hate them all. Good luck. I am clearly biased against psychiatry and psychology due to terrible experiences and my viewpoint is so biased that you may want to completely ignore it.

 

[chek]

Health system is shit. They are so damaging. I'm so scared of them that I'd rather suffer in silence. They mistreated me awfully last year
Wish you the best