Discussion In spite of being suicidal, can you make a living?

[WornOutLife]

Do depression and wanting to CTB allow you to have a job? Are you motivated to work even though you want to die? How do you do it, I mean, where does your strength come from?

In my case, this year has been the worst for me. My bipolarity and depression kicked my ass and I stopped being a well-paid and popular teacher because I chose to become a shut-in/NEET (although I get a few dollars because of some old lessons I sell online and I'm studying japanese), HOWEVER, I can't make a living anymore so, how am I still alive? How do I get my food and pay the taxes? Well, my parents are helping me out and it feels terrible but I don't have the energy to be the one I was.


Let's say I was the cool and successful teacher and now I'm a worthless NEET.

What about you? Are you the same, better or worse than me? I'm really interested in your experiences.

Lots of hugs for you and see you around! (for now)

 

[Moon Flower]

I'm a NEET as well. My s/o works, and I pick up the slack with some online work I can do on my own time (think commission based). It's not luxurious, but at least I won't starve

 

[yive]

i'm a NEET until the end of my days. because i hate work and life

 

[botanormal]

Hey, don't beat yourself up too much about it. I know how you must be feeling, but having mental health issues makes working a pain in the ass, I quit my previous job for the same reason. We didn't choose to have these struggles, they're just cursed upon us unfortunately, but it is in no way your fault.

That being said, around a month ago I managed to get another job. There are days where I struggle to get out of bed, or get so anxious I end up with panic attacks in the office, but overall I'm able to get through the day okay. I usually try to put on a 'work brain', and block out all of my other emotions for the day, until I've finished with my shift. When I get home, I just crawl into bed and let it all out, whether it be tears or panic attacks, I manage to save it all up for when I get home. It doesn't feel good at all, but I find myself being able to go in regardless, because I know it won't be for much longer, as I'm planning to ctb in January. That's where all of my motivation is coming from, knowing it won't last forever.

I guess that doesn't really help your situation, I wish there were easier ways to cope with all of this. If you're going through serious mental struggles, you should be able to leave work and recover, there's far too much pressure on us to work and work despite feeling so terrible. I think you made the best decision by leaving, if things got a little worse for me I'd consider doing the same. None of this is easy, but what's important is putting yourself, and your own mental health first. Only do what you're capable of doing, and take things at your own pace, okay? I'm sending you big hugs too!

 

[Symbiote]

I feel like I have two automated modes going on inside me. Work mode is completely different from Life mode. The day I attempted was me trying to end my Life mode, ended up in hospital, survived, and went back to work after 20 days as if nothing happened other than I had to make up a story on why I was hospitalized. Work comes easy for me because it's a singular action that nets results whether good or bad. I can predict the future a bit better. Life mode is full of chaos and uncertainty. Probably because my wife is in the picture and she stresses me out half the time, with the other half my own damn fault.

Currently, my work mode and life mode have finally became one mode completely. In life mode, my vision is to get out of my toxic environment, find another job that pays more in a bigger city and then live it up for awhile to spark some life back into me. That's all I can think about and I know I can be motivated and high-functioning. I may get periods during the day where I feel sad, but I just remind myself that I have something to look onward to. How I got to this situation? Well I was supposed to have committed suicide in a hotel room on Nov. 22nd, but someone on this forum imparted some wisdom that got my mind back on track again.

 

[xLosthopex]

I was never able to hold down a regular 9-5 job so that's the main reason I got into sex work, which suited me far better and meant I could still keep my disability allowance
Since covid though I've been out of work and just living off disability

 

[PapaSuicide]

When you have an objective you can do whathever thing you wanna. If need to buy a gun, for example, you'll draw strength from where you thought you had no more. If you have enyone that is important, you'll leave your thoughts back and will do whatever is necessary for her.

 

[WornOutLife]

Hey, don't beat yourself up too much about it. I know how you must be feeling, but having mental health issues makes working a pain in the ass, I quit my previous job for the same reason. We didn't choose to have these struggles, they're just cursed upon us unfortunately, but it is in no way your fault.

That being said, around a month ago I managed to get another job. There are days where I struggle to get out of bed, or get so anxious I end up with panic attacks in the office, but overall I'm able to get through the day okay. I usually try to put on a 'work brain', and block out all of my other emotions for the day, until I've finished with my shift. When I get home, I just crawl into bed and let it all out, whether it be tears or panic attacks, I manage to save it all up for when I get home. It doesn't feel good at all, but I find myself being able to go in regardless, because I know it won't be for much longer, as I'm planning to ctb in January. That's where all of my motivation is coming from, knowing it won't last forever.

I guess that doesn't really help your situation, I wish there were easier ways to cope with all of this. If you're going through serious mental struggles, you should be able to leave work and recover, there's far too much pressure on us to work and work despite feeling so terrible. I think you made the best decision by leaving, if things got a little worse for me I'd consider doing the same. None of this is easy, but what's important is putting yourself, and your own mental health first. Only do what you're capable of doing, and take things at your own pace, okay? I'm sending you big hugs too!

@botanormal

Thanks a bunch for your words! Loved the "work brain" idea. I'll try to get in that state of mind when I'm better.
Also, you're right. It's not as if we wanted to be like this and the system really sucks.

@yive

You're probably my soul mate lol! Feel SO like you!

@LunarPoppies

I understand. I'm doing something similar. I won't starve but I won't have any luxuries for the time being lol

 

[Bigpink]

I'm able to function in a little job I have, don't know how I'd live if I lost it. I manage to function and do what I have to with the constant awareness that I am just biding my time. Do like aspects of work I do so that helps.

 

[AutoTap]

Some are able to do it. I highly doubtI'll be able too as I can barely function and live when I'm just staying at home with less stressors/anxiety causing things.

My anxiety would go off the charts and then my depression would follow.. this would end up with my symptoms which sometimes lead me to the hospital from lack of eating, drinking, and etc.

I'm technically still a student but not really. Eventually I'll probably try to apply for disability that way I'm less of a burden.

I've come to terms with the fact that even when I'm super suicidal I'm not able to ctb right now as it's not my time and it most likely won't be for awhile as I havnt tried enough things the back of my mind tells me.

:)

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

I live pretty minimistically so my 1400 eur disability is somewhat enough for me (rent takes about 500 eur of that)

 

[stygal]

For some reason work helps me to get through the day quicker...it's a good distraction from all my problems and negative thinking.
But I'm very lucky in that regard as I've got an office job where I only talk to people through the phone (and not that many) and can otherwise do my stuff undisturbed and partly from home.
That type of work suits me very well because I can only take so much human interaction a day until I'd burn out.
Maybe instead of teaching @WornOutLife look at other career paths were you're either able to work from home or are in an environment without that many people around (less stressful).
Hope you'll find a solution.

 

[justsad&done]

I think it is something to be proud of that you were a well-loved teacher - you are not worthless, just struggling and trying to do your best.
I force myself to work every day Monday - Friday - because I have to pay bills and take care of my child, but also because being home makes me sooooo sad and at least at work I am forced to be distracted and act "normal"

 

[Nymph]

I'm a student and live with my parents but when the time comes I don't think I'll be able to keep a job for a long time and make a living. I hate work and people.

 

[PapaSuicide]

I earned $ 10,000 a month, was married and had bought my house, financed but it was my castle. Today I earn $ 1,500 a month, I am divorced and I live with my mom. I think we are the same. At least you live alone.

 

[Sensei]

Do depression and wanting to CTB allow you to have a job? Are you motivated to work even though you want to die? How do you do it, I mean, where does your strength come from?

In my case, this year has been the worst for me. My bipolarity and depression kicked my ass and I stopped being a well-paid and popular teacher because I chose to become a shut-in/NEET (although I get a few dollars because of some old lessons I sell online and I'm studying japanese), HOWEVER, I can't make a living anymore so, how am I still alive? How do I get my food and pay the taxes? Well, my parents are helping me out and it feels terrible but I don't have the energy to be the one I was.


Let's say I was the cool and successful teacher and now I'm a worthless NEET.

What about you? Are you the same, better or worse than me? I'm really interested in your experiences.

Lots of hugs for you and see you around! (for now)

Coincidentally, I'm bipolar and a teacher too. Even though I'm very stress sensitive, I still manage to work. I really don't know what keeps me going. Maybe a sense of gratification, protestant work ethics, fear of becoming a NEET, or simply a need to earn a living. I'll probably break soon, though. In fact, my psychiatrist has arranged so that I can go on disability if I want to. I'll probably keep working until it's no longer possible, though.

 

[Superdeterminist]

God, work has been the bane of my life, just talking about it I find to be really painful. I've worked before but not a lot and I'm currently studying. I was NEET for a long, long time and I'm scared I'll return to it, or worse (and more probably) homelessness, because I'm so bad with work and people. It's my primary motivation for ctb I just cannot seem to handle this area of life at all.

 

[zettatron]

I work as a DevOps engineer and every day is a struggle. There are some days where the frustration from my work exacerbates my depression and can make me so intensely suicidal (like today). It sucks because it's like there's this alternate reality version of me out there that could live this life and make the bets of it, but despite the fact that I make more money than I ever thought I would, it has made me even more depressed. In my struggle, at least I had to rely on others to get by, which helped me build a small group of people that we all relied on each other. Now, I need for nothing, need for no one, and life feels literally pointless

 

[demuic]

Personally I don't think I can. There's not any job I both want to do, and am capable of doing. I also hate the idea of being another cog in the machine.

 

[awfullife]

I work a very physically demanding job as a flat bed trucker and hate every minute of it. My ego hates it most as I once had a very prestigious and sexy sales career. You get treated like dogshit as a trucker.

My 350/ wk child support forces me to do this. I get out in the rain and cold to find a porta potty to shit in the morning and I sleep in a truck 5 nights a week.

Live with my dad as 2k a month isnt enough to rent a 2 bedroom apartment and support 2 kids plus myself. I gamble the money away on stock options trying to get back to where I was. Vicious circle of failure when you were a high flyer 5 years ago and now you're a pathetic loser.

 

[FatalSystemError591]

I took a few years to be a NEET, but then my husband kept pressuring and pressuring me to get a job despite me being mentally and physically disabled.

I found a job that I like but God it still takes a toll on my body. What keeps me going is that this job lets me make doctors appointments and get medications that I need. I'm glad because now my husband quit on an impulse during a pandemic (I told him he was being an idiot) and a couple months later he doesn't have a job still. So if I still had been a NEET, we would have been screwed.

But I hate capitalism and the idea of being a robot and working until you're dead, and a little more than a year working now (longest I've ever held a job!) I still say that now, I hate the capitalist model and it does not work for me. I wish I could go back to being a NEET. I picked a job that in theory I like at least... just the 12 hour days are killing me, more than I let on. I'm tired of being a cog in the capitalist machine. I'm disabled, and shouldn't be working. And yet..

I supposedly have a lot of "resilience" for doing what I have done for so long against my wishes for the good of my family. Idk, did I touch on everything?

 

[Weather]

I'm very responsibility-driven. I tend to do well with work because I have been fortunate to have jobs that allow me to use my brain in ways that it works well. I don't know if I'd do well with physical labor, although I suspect I'd still find myself being driven by responsibility. I have a very hard time not doing what others are depending on me to accomplish. I think I have a really abused sense of worth, and I feel like if I'm not doing what other people need/want/expect/pay me to do that I am completely devoid of value.

My current job is very flexible, which is nice too. I know a lot of people don't have that luxury.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I currently have a job, but it's probably only a matter of time before I fuck this one up, too.
I have a history of self sabotage. I don't know if it's manic episodes, anger issues, or if I just get bored and restless, but I have a hard time keeping a job for very long.
I'm also pretty much unemployable, because I just can't get to work on time, and I don't have the attention span or energy to work 8 hour days. After about 5 hours I'm done, I need to do something else. I start getting irritable and easily distracted.
I also despise this capitalist system, this consumer society, where no matter how much money I make I never have any left over for myself. I seem to work my ass off just to give all my money away to corporations and institutions who think they deserve it more than me. It's frustrating. Infuriating. I never get ahead, and usually fall behind. And as soon as you can't tread water anymore you start to drown and the sharks come in for the kill. Have you noticed how poor people are punished for being poor?
Anyway, yes, I'm making a living, but not much of one. I wasn't made for this world.
When this job goes to shit I'll kill myself, because I'm tired of working so hard for nothing and I'd rather be dead than homeless again.

 

[zettatron]

I work a very physically demanding job as a flat bed trucker and hate every minute of it. My ego hates it most as I once had a very prestigious and sexy sales career. You get treated like dogshit as a trucker.

My 350/ wk child support forces me to do this. I get out in the rain and cold to find a porta potty to shit in the morning and I sleep in a truck 5 nights a week.

Live with my dad as 2k a month isnt enough to rent a 2 bedroom apartment and support 2 kids plus myself. I gamble the money away on stock options trying to get back to where I was. Vicious circle of failure when you were a high flyer 5 years ago and now you're a pathetic loser.

You don't sound like a loser at all dude. That's actually pretty impressive that you do that for your kids, and still try to make a better future for yourself through stock options. I'm no one to talk, but you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a good person who just went down on our society's bullshit social hierarchy ladder which is determined by what we do 8 hours a day. This system is designed to make us feel like shit for not being as successful as we're told to be (read: generating more capital) 24/7/365

 

[elfgyoza]

Personally I don't think I can. There's not any job I both want to do, and am capable of doing. I also hate the idea of being another cog in the machine.

I think I'm similar to you, I have no passion driving me forward to even entertain the idea of getting a shitty job. Life just seems to be birth > learn > work > retire > die
The first ~20 years just prepare you to pretend like you enjoy slaving away to afford to survive (yay capitalism /s)

 

[WaitingForTheBusInTh]

I have only ever worked customer service and so at this point it's like I flip a switch and become a different person. But the persona drains a lot of energy the longer I wear it, and I now have to wear it even when it's just coworkers around.
My main motivation to keep working at this point is fear of unemployment and wanting as much money as possible that my mom can use to pay off her debts when I ctb.

 

[umbrellaphone]

I always have respect for teachers. What subject did you teach?

As for myself, I used to work as a fashion merchandiser, but now I'm running my own tiny food business. I haven't earned much, but at least it allows me to get by.

 

[Arvinneedstodie]

I've had 5 different jobs in my short adult life, and all except one lasted more than 3 months. After quitting yet another job 2 weeks ago, I have finally accepted that I'll never hold a job or achieve anything else unless I can fix my chronic depression and other problems.

Its like trying to build a house on loose sands. One push and the whole thing goes down. Without a strong foundation, nothing will stand for long, and whatever progress will collapse.

 

[WornOutLife]

I always have respect for teachers. What subject did you teach?

As for myself, I used to work as a fashion merchandiser, but now I'm running my own tiny food business. I haven't earned much, but at least it allows me to get by.

I taught English to spanish speakers! (and also to chinese speakers online). It was really fun and I might do it again if I overcome this "NEET situation."

Good for you having your own business!

 

[Lotus]

Honestly, that's the only thing that keeps me going. If I don't have uni or work, then what am I left with? I know that I'm getting worse day by day because of the stress and the high pressure of both uni and work, but they're not allowing me to do my studies part-time, and I have to work as much as I can to pay my bills and get good references. I feel stuck. I feel like I just have to go on, and if I don't I feel like I've kinda failed in life again. I don't think I can handle another failure.

When that's said, I also get some help from my mom. She's been very kind to me with paying some of my bills. I think she really wants me to pass my exams this week and to get better with my mental illness. She doesn't know that I'm getting worse, but I try to keep up a brave face for now.

I don't mean to drag any of you guys down. I think getting a decent education and having a good job is such a big part of my identity. That's what I learned when I grew up. I know that you can get a decent life without work, but the depression in me is wondering how the heck you can get a decent life in general. I don't know if I can ever be happy. I don't think I've ever been happy. But I have a little hope that one day my spirit will get lightened. I hope I can find joy and peace in life, and I wish that upon you guys as well.