In LOVE but I want to CTB. Just ordered SN

[NitroussBlue]

Yesterday I was walking down the street and I felt more dead than alive, maybe some of you can empathize with that feeling.
I was thinking about how crazy it is, I met this wonderful girl, she is loving, encourages me to be better, makes me feel loved, understood and calms me down, and yet I want to CTB. We recently went official with our relationship, she is my GF now and I really love her but I just dont want to live anymore.

I just ordered SN

It was easy, i placed the order in my local drugstore. It will take between 48 and 72hs to arrive. They just asked my full name, my number and that was it!
I guess I have to prep these remaining few days for my attempt.

How can protect her from the outcome of my actions? I really feel I met my soulmate, I dont want to hurt her.

 

[enjoytheride]

Thank you for reaching out. It's wonderful that you have found a person that makes you feel the ways you describe. It really seems like true gold in the midst of fool's gold, which is so abundant nowadays.

Before doing anything irreversible, have you discussed or considered discussing this with her, to hear her views? Maybe she can give you good arguments to stay and provide you with support. You can tell it to her in a less direct way, as to not shock her. No one can take away the right you have to CTB. You can CTB anytime in your life. Why not delay it and try to figure things out?

You have inherent worth, dignity, as a human being and it is great that a girl has seen and acknowledged this.

Kind regards and best wishes

 

[brillar]

Por favor me gustaría comprar SN para España. No puedo más con las enfermedades. Alguien podría ayudarme?

 

[NitroussBlue]

Thank you for reaching out. It's wonderful that you have found a person that makes you feel the ways you describe. It really seems like true gold in the midst of fool's gold, which is so abundant nowadays.

Before doing anything irreversible, have you discussed or considered discussing this with her, to hear her views? Maybe she can give you good arguments to stay and provide you with support. You can tell it to her in a less direct way, as to not shock her. No one can take away the right you have to CTB. You can CTB anytime in your life. Why not delay it and try to figure things out?

You have inherent worth, dignity, as a human being and it is great that a girl has seen and acknowledged this.

Kind regards and best wishes

Thanks for your kind words!
I have indirectly touched the matter yesterday, she shared what she wrote about the topic in her diary a few months back with me and made me feel loved and understood. Its definitely not easy to talk about you wanting to ctb with a loved one, maybe I have to bring the matter forward more directly with her. She is also in the last stretch of her degree to become a psychologist, so maybe she can help me with that too

Thanks :)

Por favor me gustaría comprar SN para España. No puedo más con las enfermedades. Alguien podría ayudarme?

Soy de Sudamerica. En una drogueria puedes conseguir. En algunos paises esta regularizado, asi que fijate. No creo que tengas suerte consiguiendo online en portales convencionales, muchas veces esta prohibido.

(ENG)
Im from South America. You can get it at a Drugstore. Sale is controled in some countries, so check first. I dont think you can get it on conventional online markets, many times its sale is forbiden

 

[Doll Steak]

I get that feeling, yesterday I went out and practiced a hobby I have but out of nowhere I just felt gone, for 30 minutes my mind just felt dead, numb, like it flatlined.

The feeling went away but during that time I felt so extremely suicidal, almost more than usual. I was looking at my surroundings thinking about the various ways I could CTB right then and there but I managed to find some clarity in the moment so I did not act on it.

It's terrible that you are in this mental pain, I hope you can find relief. Please be gentle with yourself.

 

[brillar]

¡Gracias por tus amables palabras!
Ayer toqué el tema indirectamente. Ella compartió conmigo lo que escribió sobre el tema en su diario hace unos meses y me hizo sentir querida y comprendida. Definitivamente no es fácil hablar de querer tener una relación de contacto con un ser querido; quizá deba hablar del tema más directamente con ella. Además, está en la recta final de su carrera de psicología, así que quizá pueda ayudarme con eso también.

Gracias :)

Soy de Sudamérica. En una droguería puedes conseguir. En algunos paises esta regularizado, asi que fijate. No creo que tengas suerte consiguiendo online en portales convencionales, muchas veces esta prohibido.

(ESP)
Soy de Sudamérica. Puedes conseguirlo en farmacias. La venta está controlada en algunos países, así que consulta primero. No creo que puedas conseguirlo en tiendas online convencionales; muchas veces su venta está prohibida.

Muchas gracias.
Pero en España no puedo conseguir en farmacias. En Sudamérica no se.
Podría pedir donde pidió para que me llegue a España. No quiero luchar más con el dolor cronico. Por favor si puede darme más detalle agradecería. Solo busco descansar en paz

 

[NitroussBlue]

Muchas gracias.
Pero en España no puedo conseguir en farmacias. En Sudamérica no se.
Podría pedir donde pidió para que me llegue a España. No quiero luchar más con el dolor cronico. Por favor si puede darme más detalle agradecería. Solo busco descansar en paz

No lo compre en una farmacía, lo compre en una drogueria (donde venden productos quimicos). El SN se utiliza para curar jamones cocidos, con la industria de los curados que tienen en España no creo que sea un problema conseguir. Normalmente se vende en paquetes de 1kg

 

[User111885]

Yesterday I was walking down the street and I felt more dead than alive, maybe some of you can empathize with that feeling.
I was thinking about how crazy it is, I met this wonderful girl, she is loving, encourages me to be better, makes me feel loved, understood and calms me down, and yet I want to CTB. We recently went official with our relationship, she is my GF now and I really love her but I just dont want to live anymore.

I just ordered SN

It was easy, i placed the order in my local drugstore. It will take between 48 and 72hs to arrive. They just asked my full name, my number and that was it!
I guess I have to prep these remaining few days for my attempt.

How can protect her from the outcome of my actions? I really feel I met my soulmate, I dont want to hurt her.

1. Stay with her a few more weeks, having either no sex or protected sex, to see if it changes your mind.

2. If after a few weeks, you still feel horrible, let her know you have to break up with her due to depression and that you've decided to check yourself in for intensive in-patient treatment in another state. Choose a facility in another state that exists that you can tell her you are going to and find a compelling reason it's so far away. "They have a great treatment program for depression that a friend recommended." Let her know you are too depressed to stay together during this time and you don't want to talk or write because it will make it harder for both of you to deal with the breakup. She'll cry and get angry and you have to ignore it all.

3. Leave and go to another place, far far away, with the SN. If you don't have money, enroll in some school in the middle of nowhere and take out student loans and rent a small place just to get far away.

4. Wait several months. If you still want to die, you've now waited about 4 months, she'll be hurt, but much less hurt than if you do it now, near her, while dating.

This is not a recommendation to ctb. But this will at least prevent you from ctbing while you are with her. Plus, staying with her a few weeks will give you a chance to see if she makes your depression go away.

 

[NitroussBlue]

I get that feeling, yesterday I went out and practiced a hobby I have but out of nowhere I just felt gone, for 30 minutes my mind just felt dead, numb, like it flatlined.

The feeling went away but during that time I felt so extremely suicidal, almost more than usual. I was looking at my surroundings thinking about the various ways I could CTB right then and there but I managed to find some clarity in the moment so I did not act on it.

It's terrible that you are in this mental pain, I hope you can find relief. Please be gentle with yourself.

I really Empathize with that feeling, specially with thinking about ways to ctb in that moment. I dont want to go violently or make a mess for other people, but in that moment I was thinking on going out of my way to jump to a train track or how jumping from a tall building would feel like.

Thank for your kind words, I will try to be more gentle with my internal dialogue, hopefully we can get some relief that way!

1. Stay with her a few more weeks, having either no sex or protected sex, to see if it changes your mind.

2. If after a few weeks, you still feel horrible, let her know you have to break up with her due to depression and that you've decided to check yourself in for intensive in-patient treatment in another state. Choose a facility in another state that exists that you can tell her you are going to and find a compelling reason it's so far away. "They have a great treatment program for depression that a friend recommended." Let her know you are too depressed to stay together during this time and you don't want to talk or write because it will make it harder for both of you to deal with the breakup. She'll cry and get angry and you have to ignore it all.

3. Leave and go to another place, far far away, with the SN. If you don't have money, enroll in some school in the middle of nowhere and take out student loans and rent a small place just to get far away.

4. Wait several months. If you still want to die, you've now waited about 4 months, she'll be hurt, but much less hurt than if you do it now, near her, while dating.

This is not a recommendation to ctb. But this will at least prevent you from ctbing while you are with her. Plus, staying with her a few weeks will give you a chance to see if she makes your depression go away.

Thank for your advice.
About your first point: 2 month ago I have been put on 100mg of fluvoxamine daily, sex has been really bad, not because of her, she is really atractive, but because I thinks meds messed up something. Orgasms just don't happen, and when they happen they just dont feel right, like if it was a chore.

I will think while I wait my SN about this plan. Some of the logistics of it are not doable because I live in a small flat country in south america and there arent many places to go far away without leaving the country. Also Im turning 25 in 4 months, so I dont want to wait that long for taking action, at this point I want to move towards something, If I end up finding ctbing sucks bad at least I can try to restart my life in the other side of the world where nobody cares about me.

Thanks again stranger :)

 

[User111885]

I really Empathize with that feeling, specially with thinking about ways to ctb in that moment. I dont want to go violently or make a mess for other people, but in that moment I was thinking on going out of my way to jump to a train track or how jumping from a tall building would feel like.

Thank for your kind words, I will try to be more gentle with my internal dialogue, hopefully we can get some relief that way!

Thank for your advice.
About your first point: 2 month ago I have been put on 100mg of fluvoxamine daily, sex has been really bad, not because of her, she is really atractive, but because I thinks meds messed up something. Orgasms just don't happen, and when they happen they just dont feel right, like if it was a chore.

I will think while I wait my SN about this plan. Some of the logistics of it are not doable because I live in a small flat country in south america and there arent many places to go far away without leaving the country. Also Im turning 25 in 4 months, so I dont want to wait that long for taking action, at this point I want to move towards something, If I end up finding ctbing sucks bad at least I can try to restart my life in the other side of the world where nobody cares about me.

Thanks again stranger :)

Have you considered seeing if you can change to a different antidepressant or different treatment for depression that won't make sex so frustrating? Perhaps if you are dating someone and having sex that isn't frustrating it will improve things enough you'll want to stay alive?

 

[TheBondsman]

Yesterday I was walking down the street and I felt more dead than alive, maybe some of you can empathize with that feeling.
I was thinking about how crazy it is, I met this wonderful girl, she is loving, encourages me to be better, makes me feel loved, understood and calms me down, and yet I want to CTB. We recently went official with our relationship, she is my GF now and I really love her but I just dont want to live anymore.

I just ordered SN

It was easy, i placed the order in my local drugstore. It will take between 48 and 72hs to arrive. They just asked my full name, my number and that was it!
I guess I have to prep these remaining few days for my attempt.

How can protect her from the outcome of my actions? I really feel I met my soulmate, I dont want to hurt her.

Please think again, talk to your GF because she may be able to help you through your pain. My son ctb and it is the worst thing in the world to happen for those left behind. Whilst my son ended his pain, my heartbreak and pain started the day he died. Please reconsider doing that to your GF

 

[PepperJam]

I've found myself in a similar situation. Found someone I really love right when the SN finally arrived at my doorstep. Life has this way of being strangely cruel sometimes. I'd love to just give up and CTB rn, but now I'm worried about hurting someone I love.

 

[naookoo128]

First of all, I am very sorry you have to go through such things, I can relate to that kind of pain. I´m reading this in so many threads and it makes me so sad.
Met a soulmate when I was 18, been with her till she broke up with me 10 years later. I never got of rid my depression that time, even though she cared a lot for me and our love was intense.
I hoped that could be enough to safe me, but its not. It helped staying alive, but it could not solve my trauma´s and therefore the relationship slowly broke into pieces.
She did what was possible: holding me, being there, talking to me, trying to understand. We all need that, of course. But please dont expect your partner (even if she is a psychotherapist!) to solve all your mental problems. This destroys many relationships and sadly it is a very common thing that a women is not only a romantic partner and friend but also a full time therapist for her male partner, cause we´re just not taught to talk about our emotions early on. Please dont get me wrong, I´m not saying that venting and crying together and holding each other and showing presence and all that is not important. But there is deeper stuff, where experts have to look at.
At some point my problems just took to much space, there was not enough room left for her, not enough for us. I know that she forgives me, but I´ll maybe never forgive myself what I´ve done to our love by not seeking additional help elsewhere.
I´m wishing you the very best and I hop you dont have to witness such a tragic thing.

How can protect her from the outcome of my actions? I really feel I met my soulmate, I dont want to hurt her.

If you´re really going to CTB, then it would be probably best to not getting even more connected with her.
Unfortunately, If she is your soulmate, it will hurt her enormously and there is nothing you can do about that.
The only way to protect her from that would be to protect yourself.

I just noticed the post is a bit older, but now it´s written, maybe it helps someone else seeing that perspective.