Wyldfyre4948
Waiting for my bus
- Jul 12, 2023
- 377
Idk what I'm doing right now. I'm ready to ctb, but I still have some foolish hope of reconciliation. Probably just deluding myself into thinking she'll come back and we can work everything out. I wish I wasn't so dependent on her but she made me feel safe for 2 decades. What I'd give to feel that safety again and have her reassure me.
Instead I'm in a living nightmare and there doesn't seem to be a way for it to work out. All this time I've wanted a way for both of us to be happy. Instead it's her way or nothing and I feel like I don't matter.
Every day my heart hurts. I don't sleep and when I do I have nightmares. My appetite is barely there, and I break down at least once a day. It doesn't matter though because I don't matter. She knows about my sleep issues and doesn't seem to care. In fact she knows all my insecurities and knew how'd I react.
I feel worthless because I need to bum rides off people. Most meals are either ramen or a banquet frozen dinner, because I don't know how to cook and honestly can't afford real food anyways. Don't get to leave my home more than once every couple weeks to get groceries. When I have to ask for a ride to get groceries I feel like shit but I don't have a car. It would be nice to get some fast food but I can't afford to splurge on it, and I'd have to ask for a ride.
My family is trying to help me out by giving me access to their streaming services. That makes my life a bit more tolerable. Sitting in silence would probably have me lose my shit faster. I don't even want to go to work anymore, but then I'd be homeless. Struggling to hold on to the last bit of my life I have left. Wednesday will be 2 months since I had my cat put to sleep. I still beat myself up over that decision. At his age I would've been fighting to keep him for myself and his quality of life probably would've been shit.
This year has beat the shit out of me and I just want to give up. Praying every night to not wake up the next day. None of my prayers have been answered this year though. It would be nice if I had someone to talk to at night but I can't go anywhere. My work schedule means I can't even have a social life. Finding it really hard to keep going on. Wake up, work, sleep, and repeat. It feels like I'm not supposed to win here. If I live I'll probably turn in to an asshole, but if I ctb I'll be hated for being selfish.
Sorry for the novel but there's just a lot that's in my head and I can't exactly put this on social media.
Instead I'm in a living nightmare and there doesn't seem to be a way for it to work out. All this time I've wanted a way for both of us to be happy. Instead it's her way or nothing and I feel like I don't matter.
Every day my heart hurts. I don't sleep and when I do I have nightmares. My appetite is barely there, and I break down at least once a day. It doesn't matter though because I don't matter. She knows about my sleep issues and doesn't seem to care. In fact she knows all my insecurities and knew how'd I react.
I feel worthless because I need to bum rides off people. Most meals are either ramen or a banquet frozen dinner, because I don't know how to cook and honestly can't afford real food anyways. Don't get to leave my home more than once every couple weeks to get groceries. When I have to ask for a ride to get groceries I feel like shit but I don't have a car. It would be nice to get some fast food but I can't afford to splurge on it, and I'd have to ask for a ride.
My family is trying to help me out by giving me access to their streaming services. That makes my life a bit more tolerable. Sitting in silence would probably have me lose my shit faster. I don't even want to go to work anymore, but then I'd be homeless. Struggling to hold on to the last bit of my life I have left. Wednesday will be 2 months since I had my cat put to sleep. I still beat myself up over that decision. At his age I would've been fighting to keep him for myself and his quality of life probably would've been shit.
This year has beat the shit out of me and I just want to give up. Praying every night to not wake up the next day. None of my prayers have been answered this year though. It would be nice if I had someone to talk to at night but I can't go anywhere. My work schedule means I can't even have a social life. Finding it really hard to keep going on. Wake up, work, sleep, and repeat. It feels like I'm not supposed to win here. If I live I'll probably turn in to an asshole, but if I ctb I'll be hated for being selfish.
Sorry for the novel but there's just a lot that's in my head and I can't exactly put this on social media.
